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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sitting here in tears

96 replies

mumsanutter · 08/08/2010 17:54

I have been reading through the threads today trying to put my thoughts into perspective.

My story - H decided to IM (instant message message me through his Blackberry) last friday night and say basicly that we are over - this was as he was boarding a flight to Tokyo so would be no further contact for 15 hours! I spent friday night in tears trying to figure out what the IM meant. On saturday am, he IM's that he was so sorry and the meassages continued on throughout the day asking for a divorce and stating what maintianence he would pay me (from a men that when asked said he hadn't looked into divorce). I have only spoken to him once on the phone on tuesday (his birthday) and had to text him on friday to get him to ring our youngest who's birthday it was ( was painfully obvious that he did not want to talk to me but would talk to youngest 2). He has declared that he now sees me as the mother of his 2 children and a friend. I also found his wedding band on the side in our room yesterday and told him this over IM and haven't heard from him since.

Since then I have been on an emotional roller coaster, one minute happy the next crying - our (my) children 13, 5 and 3 (also have a 10 year old but he is away on holiday with friends) don't know what is going on but the 13 year old is very with it and has declared that if dad leaves he wants nothing to do with him, and also asked if this meant he would have to have a step family!! He has asked that I don't say anything until October when he gets back, and we can talk ( I have told some close friends as I can't do this on my own and if I keep crying they pretty much know that something is going on!)

i really do not know what I am asking, but just needed to write this out

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/08/2010 18:56

Copy and paste this into your FB status:

Dear all, so gutted to have to write this. On Friday night, prickface H messaged me to through his Blackberry to tell me our X-year marriage is over; that he wants to divorce. As you can understand, I am devestated, but unfortunately can't write much more as he's in Asia until October and he has not been in contact much.

DO IT. He deserves to get recognition for the spineless dicksmack he is.

overmydeadbody · 08/08/2010 18:58

Well he is a spineless coward isn't he?!Shock

On the bright side, you don't have to see him till october, you can get on with starting divorce proceedings and moving on with your life without him being around.

Start by boxing up all his stuff and taking it to his parents/best friend/whatever to look after for him.

~Get a family lawyer (through legalaid), sort out your finances, tell all your friends and family, tell the children, and then do a few things that will list your self esteem that maybe you couldn't do while with him ( I redecorrated my bedroom pink, something my ex would never had agreed to).

He is a horribel spineless man. Your sorrow will turn to anger and that anger can be harnessed to make possitive changes that will help you get through this and come out a stronger person.

overmydeadbody · 08/08/2010 18:59

Agree with expat. Tell everyone.

expatinscotland · 08/08/2010 19:01

Honestly, what I just wrote to put on your status is not nasty, it's just honest. It's just telling everyone the truth, that he IM'd you on the way to Asia, knowing he'd not be home for months, to tell you your marriage was over and now you're devestated.

He can't argue with that.

The truth is a bitch and he's a fuckface.

Saffysmum · 08/08/2010 19:24

He has probably planned to do it this way, so that he can avoid your pain. What an absolute pathetic excuse of a man. He then has the audacity, after driving a train through your marriage and your kids lives, to dictate what will happen in the next couple of months. NO! Don't let this happen. You need to take control, you need to do this for your self respect and your sanity. He cannot make this right - he's responsible for all this mess, so make nothing easy for him. Tell people if you want to. Give it a few days and start divorce proceedings if you want to. Turn your phone off so he can't contact you. Just take control - you will feel better for it. How bloody dare he!

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/08/2010 19:31

How can he be so cruel. Your poor kids, poor you.What a bastard!

Karmamama01 · 08/08/2010 19:32

Why do people break up by IM or text. Shows a complete weakness in character. No easy way of doing it but to do that and disappear is out of order.

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/08/2010 19:33

I meant shakes head obviously.

minibmw2010 · 08/08/2010 19:42

He deliberately waited to tell you until he knew he'd be "safely" on the the way to the other side of the world and then he tries to tell you who you can/can't talk to/tell things to? I don't bloody think so !!!

Speak to your parents, get some help and support from your family and make sure your in-laws know that there are problems and that their son has decided this was an appropriate thing to do to his family ..

And change the locks !!

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 08/08/2010 19:45

What a spineless shitting bastard. Angry

I agree, tell everyone what he's done. Don't let him dictate what you do over the next couple of months. See the lawyer through your bank and take control.

Keep talking.

Original poster
mumsanutter · 08/08/2010 19:58

Thank you for your replies, sorry I wasn't here had to get two little men into bed.

I don't have a proper family, my mum died when I was 10, my dad died last year (anniversary of his death is tomorrow), my step mum and I just about get along, and my sister is a whole other story - she make make any situation revolve around herself. As to H's family, i get on really well with them ,but mum sufferd from depression and they have just moved home.... and me being the softy I am won't put any more on her lap at the moment.

I will admit that most of my friends know now, and are very supportive and here if I want a cry or scream.

I am going to soung like one of those 'weak' women but I honestly don't know at the moment what I want to do. I always used to joke that the only way he would get a divorce from me would be if he got custody of the boys - there is no way that that is ever going to happen!!!

Thank you again. I am going to go to bed now and try to get some sleep - start work at 7.30 tomorrow, and need to seem at least partially human

OP posts:
ameliameerkat · 08/08/2010 20:08

Does he often go out to Japan/that area on business? My cousin called his wife from the airport to say he was leaving her, as he was on his way to the USA on business. I'm not close to them, and it has never been confirmed, but my other cousin thought he had another woman/family out there. He had the opportunity as he was there on business a lot (months at a time). He's now kind of back with his wife, but it's all horribly complicated and as my Dad refuses to speak to my cousin anymore we get all news 2nd hand through other people....

I feel so bad for what you're going through. But you cannot be in limbo for two months - that's just ridiculous! Tell your (D)H to make time for a proper conversation or you'll have got rid of all his possessions by the time he returns.

Conundrumish · 08/08/2010 20:17

What an evil bastard (apologies for language, but you don't dump a marriage and four children through IM and then tell someone not to tell anyone for months).

Hope you are OK

needafootmassage · 08/08/2010 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonartemis · 08/08/2010 20:26

Every sympathy to you. It's a coward's way out, and I daresay planned for sometime.
You MUST look after yourself. He is NOT giving this any opportunity to work out to stay together. This looks like a long haul. As another poster said, you will get angry in time. Please go and see a lawyer/CAB - your DH will end up with all costs in due course.
Love to you and your four DC. Your 13 year old sounds very sensible and lovely. Keep on MN for lots of support.

pinksmarties · 08/08/2010 20:54

What a total and utter wanker. You must be mortified.

I would (when the DC are back at school) get all his stuff out of the house and take it in bin bags to his mum or a friend of his and I would change the locks.

Take as much as you can out of your joint bank accounts and open an account he has no access to.

Start divorce proccedings, you don't have to carry them through but let him know that you mean business.

He deserves no kindness or respect from you. He is beyond contempt.

You're shell shocked but you need to look after yourself in order to be able to look after your DC.

Lots of love Smile

PS.......Dignity is power.

GeekOfTheWeek · 08/08/2010 21:05

You are well rid of any 'man' that is capable of this behaviour.

Seriously love, he is not worth the steam off your shit.

Agree with expat re the fb status and to tell people what is going on.

Spineless fucking cunt.

Keep your dignity, sort your finances and do not let him call the shots.

SugarMousePink · 08/08/2010 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Conundrumish · 08/08/2010 22:50

I would also use these few months to loose the weight you want to loose, have a new haircut, decorate the house in a style you love and he would hate, and make sure that when he comes to pick up his stuff, you have a mysterious man who can wander in with a towel around his waist!

AnyFucker · 08/08/2010 22:57

there is another woman (women ?) involved here

I would bet my life savings on it

no matter....his actions have cancelled out any future you might have been expecting to have with him as a family

start proceedings while he is away

and get yourself a STD test, for your own piece of mind

Downmum · 08/08/2010 23:08

So sorry to read what your going through and I agree with the others sounds like someone else is involved, I haven't really got much advice but would like to agree with Malificence. My emotions would probably be the same!

Original poster
mumsanutter · 09/08/2010 07:46

Thank you for your replies.

There is no spare money in the joint account, so have nothing to squirral away. I am resigning myself to the fact that my marriage is over and am not happy about it, when when I look at the future (as long as he pays the maintainence he has said he will - all IM's have been copied into a folder on my email account and backed up), we will actually be better off in the long run.

I know I need to talk to him, but do not want to look like I am chasing him.

I can't bare to think that there is another women involved but will go and get tested to be on the safe side. He has worked away from home alot over the past 3 years (usually away between 30-60% of the year), but always moving around. Currently in asia-pacific, but beginning of last year was in america, and declared that he is now used to being on his own.

On a plus side, this divorce diet is doing me wonders!! I weighed myself this morning and for the first in time in ages I weigh under 160lbs, and can noticable see that my tummy fat is going down!

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 09/08/2010 07:56

Poor you. What a tosser he really is.

I must add my suspicions to the others. I think there is an OW, probably in Tokyo. Hence him doing this at the last minute, presumably he "promised her" he would. He doesn't want to you to tell anyone so if it doesn't work out with OW he can come back as if nothing has happened. He doesn't want to burn his bridges. (I'd want to burn his underpants. With him still in them.)

You sound very strong. Thinking of you.

Coolfonz · 09/08/2010 09:00

what a tosser. but do tell his mum, you need to move his stuff out.

LimaCharlie · 09/08/2010 09:15

How spectacularly spineless of your husband - although you don't want to hear it I also think that there may be an OW involved and he has ended it so that he can go shag guiltfree around Asia as he now considers himself "single".

You owe him no discretion or consideration and you need to do what is best for you and your boys, and if that menas you need to draw on support from friends and family then you need to tell them.

Am glad you have retained your gallows humour being pleased with your divorce diet - stay strong - you have lots of Mumsnetters on your side

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