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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help just need support because he's messing with my head

52 replies

womblingfree1970 · 08/08/2010 14:04

For those who haven't read my other thread.Recently told my abusive H that I want a divorce.

So next he rings me saying he doesn't want one.But then in the same conversation denies even saying that.

well more has happened since

I dropped kids off to his yesterday and he starts telling me how he can't be with me because of all the things I've said over the last few days.

Because I told him he's still abusive and also that if he really cared about his kids he wouldn't abuse their mother.He now says because I've said all that it shows him how much I resent him so he can't stay with me.

he says I don't take responsibilty for anything and that I don't except blame.I know all this is not true.The logical side of me knows this but the emotional side is starting to have doubts.

help

OP posts:
ItsGraceActually · 08/08/2010 14:10

Keep writing it down! It can sometimes be your only sanity-saver. He'll backtrack, swerve, retell you waht you said (but didn't) and accuse you of the stranges, most peculair things that have nothing to do with you. Write down what you said, what you feel, what he does.

Words are only words, but they can be used against you to devastating effect. Remember: you're the one who keeps your home, your family and your life running. He's the one who thinks you're only there to service him on demand - so he's the wrong one.

Who have you got to talk to in real life?

gigglet · 08/08/2010 14:12

Well. Even at the end of a non-abusive relationship I've had some things said to me that made me second guess myself.

Sounds like you are taking plenty of responsibility for things by leaving him - thats a difficult thing to do.

UnholyMoley · 08/08/2010 14:15

Hang on a minute, you asked him for a divorce, and now he's citing why he can't be with you ?

THat doesn't make sense. It seems to me that he's trying to make it look like he's the one ending the marriage. Probably because then he feels like he has the upper hand.

You, however, know differently.

Stay strong! It doesn't really matter in the long run to you if he wants to think he was the one that instigated the divorce, does it? so long as you get the divorce you wanted anyway.

Tippychoocks · 08/08/2010 14:18

Like Unholy said - who the feck is he to tell you why he won't be with you? Trying to give himself the upper hand. It sounds as if he tells you enough that he won't be with you then you'll start to believe that he dumped you. It's just another form of abuse.

Try to let go: he can think what he likes. Avoid engaging in conversation with him about this kind of thing.

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 08/08/2010 14:23

Yes I know I've got to pull away.Not let him get to me.Its just I believe he's doing it to question myself again.To put the blame on me etc.Its called gaslighting.

I know it doesn't matter who instigates divorce thats not the issue the issue is he's playing mindgames again.

OP posts:
UnholyMoley · 08/08/2010 14:25

Well in that case do as tippychooks says and don't engage with him on this subject, at all. You can tell him directly that you'll not be discussing the issue with him again and that if he has anything to say to you on the matter then he should send a letter through his solicitor. That should shut him up considering how much solicitor's letters cost.

Tippychoocks · 08/08/2010 14:27

Called gaslighting is it? You learn something on MN everyday Grin. Also called being a twat!

Will it be safe for you to refuse to engage though? I mean, will it wind him up if you just keep brushing off those comments and could that be dangerous for you?

UnholyMoley · 08/08/2010 14:30

I think gaslighting is when a partner continually tells you something isn't happening when it is to the point where you think you're losing the plot because you know that you know, but you're being told that you don't know.

Make sense? Grin

Anyway, you just have to keep reminding yourself that this divorce is what YOU want, and that whatever he says has absolutely not relevance to that fact.

But yes, stay safe.

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 08/08/2010 14:32

I think it will be ok.its more the emotional stuff.

Its a case of I damned if I do damned if I don't.He's very manipulative so If I don't engage and just drop kids off and say as little as possible he'll find some way to try and make me feel guilty for that.

Its really tough trying to sort things out when psychological abuse is involved.

OP posts:
UnholyMoley · 08/08/2010 14:34

I know it is. All you can do is reassure yourself that you're doing the right thing and ignore his nastiness, then come to MN for some help if you're doubting yourself again. Has he told you that you're mad yet? or that none of your friends actually likes you? Because he will, sooner or later.

Tippychoocks · 08/08/2010 14:36

Well in that case I would simply reply to all his attempts to engage you with that type of conversation with a non-committal answer.
Gaslighting is a funny term, I will go and read more. It sounds like it should be connected with inflammatory actions doesn't it?

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 08/08/2010 14:40

gaslighting is exactly that.Doesn't have to be the same thing though just the fact that it makes you self doubt you own mind.To the point(in my case) that you doubt yourself and your own memory.yet I know I have agood memory for things.

So for instance he will say things and do things then deny they happened or say I said things I didn't.Had it for years.he teels me how I am feeling as if he's inside my head and knows.So will state my feelings as facts.

So for instance he will say you felt betrayed by something when the thing never bothered me at all.So then I will say no I didn't its never bothered me he will then argue that thats how I felt and say for a fact thats how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 08/08/2010 14:41

Oh the mad thing yes.I'm a nutter was the one he used.

OP posts:
UnholyMoley · 08/08/2010 14:46

It's laughable really, isn't it?

One day you'll look back and know that you did the right thing but it takes a while to emotionally disengage completely and at the moment he's still using whatever vestiges of attachment you have left to him to his advantage. He probably thinks that if he can convince you that it was his choice to split up that you'll think that it's not what you want at all and come running back.

I know it seems very complicated right now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it isn't the express train Wink

Tippychoocks · 08/08/2010 14:47

Who'd have thought it, I've been gaslit all these years! I have a pome for you womble, it may appeal to you as it did to me in that case:

He Tells Her by Wendy Cope

He tells her that the Earth is flat-
He knows the facts and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong.
But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell
She cannot win. He stands his ground.

The planet goes on being round.

Its from her "If I don't know" anthology. Hope it's OK to put it on here, please remove if I've upset copyright or anything Smile

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 08/08/2010 15:46

'He probably thinks that if he can convince you that it was his choice to split up that you'll think that it's not what you want at all and come running back.'

Thats my guess and it started to work.Started doubting myself this morning.Thinking was I doing the right thing.Perhaps I'm the problem and haven't put the effort in.Perhaps I'm to blame because thats what he keeps telling me.

So yes I think thats what he's doing.

Tippychoocks

That poem sums it up well.My H is the most incredibly manipulative person I know and I know I'm a clever women who has been left doubting her own sanity sometimes.

OP posts:
msboogie · 08/08/2010 16:18

'He probably thinks that if he can convince you that it was his choice to split up that you'll think that it's not what you want at all and come running back.'

That is exactly what he is doing!!!

Why don't you just agree with everything he says in the most carefree and insincere manner possible?

Just say "oh yes, you are spot on there" at EVERYTHING he says and smile sweetly.

ItsGraceActually · 08/08/2010 16:56

Excellent strategy, msboogie Grin It made my X ever so angry ... but was worth it, for the amusement value.

I also tried agreeing & disagreeing alternately, but that backfired on me when I lost track of which arguments he was turning back at me Confused Confused

Nice poem, Tippychoocks!

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 08/08/2010 17:10

'Why don't you just agree with everything he says in the most carefree and insincere manner possible?

Just say "oh yes, you are spot on there" at EVERYTHING he says and smile sweetly.'

Yes I think thats the best way at least then he will feel that I was to blame for everything and he's won.

I just don't really want to play the mindgames.all I ever wanted was for him to stop being abusive towards me so that we could have a happy family .

When I said that to him(whilst crying) he said that was emotional blackmail

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 08/08/2010 18:27

Exactly so, just reply to everything with "as you say" or "if you say so " or similar. How can he disagree with that!?

msboogie · 08/08/2010 18:58

He will blame you for everything no matter what you do but if you stop reacting to his gaslighting and his mind games then there is no point in him doing it, is there?

You can't beat him - he's an arch manipulator - I'm sure you don't have the energy to even try. So don't get pulled into his games at all.

Just agree (or disagree) with all of his crap in an offhand manner with a distant look in your eyes as if you couldn't care less what he is saying.

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 08/08/2010 22:59

Another thing he has said I have to agree with this is that I resent his job.And yes I do.

The reason I resent it is after he absued me and I had to report him I had to give up my job to look after the children(I obviously don't begrudge looking after them).And my H had time on his hands and so did a 6 months online course.Foolishly Paid for by me and I helped him through it.After that he got a very well paid job and then put this on his profile on a dating site and went on to cheat with 20 women.So yes I do resent his job.Am I wrong to.

After all I'm left financially stuck with no job and hes the one who did all this stuff and he's now doing great.

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Tippychoocks · 08/08/2010 23:09

He's not doing so great - he'll always be a f*ckwit. You can re-train now and do something you want to do.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/08/2010 23:20

Resent it by all means. What difference does it make? He's still a pain in the butt who you don't want to live with any more. Just because he can say "Aha, you resent my job, don't you?" and you accept it's true, is completely irrelevant to whether you still want to leave him. It is not a condition of divorce that you disagree on absolutely everything.

On the other hand, even if he says something you do agree with, you don't necessarily have to admit you agree. That splendid line from, was it, House of Cards, might be useful in this context: "You may say that, but I couldn't possibly comment." Or "I see", or "that's interesting" (in a not very interested tone).

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 08/08/2010 23:27

I understnad that but thats another 'reason' he's giving to say he can't be with me no more.As in its a another excuse he is using against me and telling me and trying to blame me for.

Although of course its me who originally said I wanted a divorce.

OP posts: