It is really hard to change your reactions to what is going on - it took me literally years to really see the dynamic in our relationship. And once I did, it escalated quite quickly, so be warned.
However, the first step is to recognise what is happening. You can't change your reaction until you recognise the behaviour and the triggers. He knows you very well and know exactly which buttons to push. This means that when you stop reacting to one strategy he'll try another.
Eventually, my ex accused me of being a bad mother. That was his big mistake. Not because I think I am a particularly good mum but because I, personally, think that saying this is below the belt and I started to recognise that maybe this wasn't all about me, it wasn't all my fault. I started to take a step back and watch his behaviour. I tried the stuck record approach and watched what happened. I tried to be the observer and act like my own therapist.
I found the thing that helped me most was to give myself a break - rather than feel angry with myself because I let a discussion turn into an argument, I started to try to recognise when I had reacted but also what I had reacted to. You only react to things that you already feel uncomfortable about.
I found out that what pushes my buttons, which include things like being unreasonable and irresponsible, so these are things he tends to suggest either covertly or overtly.
It took ages. At first, I managed to resist the first one or two things he tried to get me to react to. But he just raised the stakes. I'd react, and off we went again with me being over-emotional etc etc. But it got easier, I learnt to use different approaches. If I found myself reacting, rather than feel bad about it and myself, I learnt to say 'I feel very angry at the moment, I need some time to calm down and we can talk later.'
Of course, he would accuse me of not liking criticism, of walking away. But, because I was being honest with myself, I could see that I was being reasonable - it isn't reasonable to continue a discussion when you want to scream at the other person. If he was starting to shout, I would say 'I don't want to continue with you shouting at me, I'll talk to you later, when you've calmed down.'
He had to work harder and harder to get a reaction out of me. I still wanted the relationship to work so I allowed this to go on. But he started to become physically domineering, get in my face, chase me when I tried to walk away. Which is when I realised that things were never going to work, he didn't want them to.
Now the space helps. I don't react very often and never so that he notices. He still re-writes history and believes that we split because I am so difficult - it's facinating to watch him trying to square that with how I actually behave.
Sorry so long