it's all such a mess now and I don't know what to do

[AnAngelWithin]

Don't even know why I am posting really. I know there is nothing anyone can do, but I need a rant I suppose.

Anyway, 12 years of marriage, dc5 born 9 weeks ago. Past year has been tough since I was assaulted and put in hospital and with the pregnancy too. DH gradually become more and more distant. Ended up feeling as though he was repulsed by my shape being pregnant. Just got on with it. The past few weeks have been even worse. Then all of a sudden, a few days ago, DH is all over me. Really weird. He had been texting so much the past few months and using up all the credit on his phone that I checked his phone records, and there was one number on there that was text over and over and over. I confronted him and he said it was a mate from work. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then when he started trying to be all over me he almost made himself look more suspicious to me.

Anyway yesterday, he left his phone at home. He had a lock on it. So I took the sim out and put it in mine. Wrong I know, and to be honest I wish I hadn't. Messages on the sim showed up on my phone, saying things like 'we couldn't get round that corner quick enough......' and 'how can you still want me after what happened on thursday....' and 'what if we had got caught...' I felt sick and my legs collapsed from under me reading them. So I rang his work and said 'i know whats going on, you've been rumbled'...silence...'don't bother coming home'.... he asked what i meant and I told him what I had found and he said that he would come home and explain. Told him not to bother. 2 hours later (he works 4 miles away) He came back and at first he was just really cross that I had looked at his phone. I told him I only did it cos I had good reason and that I was right. He said did the usual 'it's not what you think' routine. Then he tried to turn it on me saying he's been miserable since I was assaulted cos the woman who did it went to him and said i was having an affair with her husband (which i swear on my kids lives, fathers grave and anything else i cherish that I haven't and wouldn't. He is a slimey b&%$d and I wouldn't even look at him let alone anything else) So in a way I think he was trying to justify his actions. He left after half an hour and went back to work. Came back after work. In the end he said that it was just someone he had met through work and they got chatting and started texting. Then he said it started getting 'silly' (he wouldn't explain what he meant by 'silly') so he stopped it. He ended it last week apparently before it got 'too serious' Yet I have just looked at his phone records again and he was still texting her all day on wednesday when he was off work and supposed to be with me and the kids and while I was in hospital with our baby having her hips scanned.

I asked him what she meant by the things she said in her texts, and he just kept saying 'i don't know I can't remember, my heads messed up and I've got so much going on right now' I said 'how would i know...you don't talk to me, you talk to HER' He said it was just someone to talk to. I asked him so many time to talk to me over the past year and he wouldn't. Obviously didn't need to if he had someone else to talk to. Shes some posh business woman who is a bit older than him. Everything I am not. I don't know what to believe. He asked if he could come back after work today and talk things through which I agreed to cos at the end of the day we have got 5 kids to consider, and even now I still stand by what I have always said in that I would never stop him seeing the kids if anything happened between us (unless it was something totally unforgivable, violence etc) and he knows that.

To me, the things I read aren't the sort of things you just text, it sounds like more happened. He said he hardly sees her cos she lives ages away and she only goes to his work now and again. But he did admit that he felt they were getting closer but he realised he loved me and ended it cos he didn't want it to 'get too far'

I said that he must have been attracted to her in the first place to exchange numbers. He said he wasn't and they were just friends and it looked like it was developing into something else so he stopped it. Apparently he's been texting her for over a year, so basically while we were trying to concieve dd3

I just don't know what to do to be honest. I do love him, and part of me can't imagine a life without him, but there is no way on this planet I will ever trust him again, and I think that once the trust has gone, theres no real base for a relationship. Before we got married he 'kissed' a friend of mine at a party after sending me home in a taxi cos i was a little tipsy. It was 'just a kiss' but the trust started to crumble then really I suppose. Hindsight eh!?

angel, you must try to eat something even if it just some milk and dried toast, call your gp or hv, you are breast feeding, since friday is a long time,... good luck tonight, hope everything turns out ok for you... take my milk nearly dried up about a month ago, due to cuts in my breast, it was hard work but i kept my supply, don't dispear, one day at the time, and if she end up on bottles, is nothing wrong with formula, breast is best, but formula is not poisonous, try not to worry too much...
i really feel for you, i wish i could something for you...

Thinking of you Angel x

Most people on my support thread for lone parents, resorted to coffee and biscuits on the early days. However I would urge you to try and drink some water, preferably several large glasses and make yourself some toast, or cereal, or if you can face a jacket potato.

Sending you strength, positive vibes and ((hugs)) its very difficult at this stage. I remember it well. Things will get better, be kind to yourself at this tricky time.

Keep talking on mumsnet whenever you need to, I'm usually about, as are others

Sorry quite a few typos

Could you speak to your HV like WLTK said, or arrange Homestart at this time? Your DC5 is so ickle you probably could do with some help right now

Message deleted

Sassy.

Hope the talk went as well as it could Angel x

The others are right about food - you need to keep your strength up. I know it is so hard to eat when you have no appetite but there must be something (no matter how silly) you could get down. Icecream?

angel, are you all right?you haven't posted in quite some time
i hope you don't mind us telling you what to do(eat), but really we had to.
take care .

Message deleted

hi. sorry for not replying. no change here really. things are really very strained. been living off digestive biscuits. they are the only thing that seems to stay down. i told him the only reason he is still here is cos its his week off and the kids were looking forward to spending time with him. I've taken my wedding rings off. He sleeps on the sofa, we don't talk all day, I go to bed early. He tried to tell me he was sorry last night but I am still too cross really.

It would be good if you could have some space right now from him just for some peace for you, as everytime you look at him all the feelins will rush to the surface.

Has he actually told you the truth at all yet Angel?

I understand the sick feelings. I had them too in the early days. Try to eat more today honey x

glad you are ok ish, and had something to eat. hopefully today will be a better day

I think he still needs to tell you the full story with all the details when you can bear it. Without any ommissions. You need to make it clear to him that one more lie from him regarding this (or anything else) and there is no way back.

He may be hoping that you will cool down and gradually forgive him in the coming weeks - which is obviously up to you, but I wouldn't try and move forward (if that is what you choose) without knowing the whole picture.

Try some soup

Angel - please tell me that you don't believer this crap about them not having sex. They are not 'we only text' texts. Re-read what you have written.

Iknow you want to believe him, I know you want to put this behind you and get on with going forward - but how can you? He has lied to you spectacularly and at every opportunity.

Of course the OW is going to pull the 'Oh poor me, I'm sorry, I wont chase him again routine' He's probably told her he will leave you, but needs to sort out money/kids/'some other shit' first and you need to be kept in the dark.

He wont tell you the truth, he's too spineless.

You need to look after yourself and your baby - you need to eat. Of course it wouldn't be the end of the world if you bottle feed the baby, but really, it would probably be nice for both of you if you can continue breast feeding - to do that, you need to eat.

By the way, I thought I'd recommended this book on your thread already but scrolling down I cannot see it. This book is worth a read. It made all the difference for me when going through this difficult time.

Angel, the general consensus is not to make any radical life changing decisions in the immediate aftermath of discovery - 3 months seems to be the recommended time frame. The initial shock diminishes and you are able to make the right decisions.

It is a truly horrible time, my DH stayed with his mum for 2/3 months whilst we worked on repairing the marriage. I felt I owed to my 4DSs to try and make a go of it. We went to counselling for about 4 months, it helped me change and not put up with any c**p from DH anymore and DH "grew up" and started taking responsibility for his life etc. It has not been an easy path, lots of meltdowns along the way etc, 2 paces forward and 3 back sometimes but approx. 18 months down the line our relationship is better than it ever was before, open and honest, treating eachother with respect, communicating properly.

His affair happened 11/12 years into our relationship, we had 4DC (3 in very quick succession) and in put a terrible strain on relationships. Your H needs to go to counselling to find out why he gave himself permission to have the affair, what he got out of it etc. My DH was depressed and stressed with business, financial stuff, the family (2 of the DC have ASD) etc, the affair made him "feel" again, he was attracted to the feelings the OW ignited in him, she made him feel desirable etc. Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Re the eating, I lived on sweet tea and microwave popcorn when my DH took off. Keep your fluids up and try and get as much rest as possible to keep your milk supply up (after DS1 was born I didn't eat properly for first 2/3 weeks for number of reasons, went on to bf for a year - got my figure back very quickly ).

Your emotions will swing from raging fury to abject desolation in a nano second, just go with it and allow yourself to feel the emotions.

Take care.

Hi all.

Well last night we had a massive discussion. More to the point, he had to listen to me without interrupting!!

Anyway, he admitted he's been a twat. He said that he didn't realise how bad it all looked and he certainly didn't expect to lose me over it He didn't realise that he hadn't sent so many cards etc to me. He swears on the kids lives that it didn't get as far as them actually kissing. He said she tried to kiss him and he told her that didn't want that. In her text she did tell me she initiated it. He says that she got quite needy with her texts and has been bitter with him after he rejected her advances, so probably she said they actually kissed just to get back at him? The last text she sent to me was very much a 'yes i'll mix things up between you and sod off and leave you to deal with and make out that i am the victim seeing as he doesn't want me' If that makes sense?

I poured my heart out about how crap things have been the past year. He did the same. We both agreed we haven't spent much time together. We have always been the kind of couple that needs to spend time together to get on. The more time we are together, the better we get on. Being apart drives us apart.

I have told him that if we are even going to start to attempt to make things better, he needs to promise me some things...
He never mentions my assaulters H and the affair (which i obviously didn't have!) with him. If he mentions it again, in temper/arguement or anything, he might as well just sign the divorce papers now. I won't mention her again, as long as ne never ever contacts her ever again. I have told him that I will keep a close eye on him and his phone etc, and i will know if somethings going on cos I know him too well! I knew something was wrong now didn't i??....
I also told him that I want at least an hour a week of not being anything except me. Not mummy and wife, just going and getting my hair done, going for a walk on my own, anything. It can't just be him having a life outside the house! I have also told him that if i find him having any contact with another woman ever again, that's it. No more chances at all. We also have to talk more, and if that means going to counselling then sobeit. Now he has always been against counselling etc, but he said he will do it if it means us working things out. He has also said he will give up doing his degree if I want so we can have more time together, but I am not sure really, I know it's a lot of work but the long term benefits will be better. I just told him he needs to be more organised with it and his work etc rather than last minute work etc.

So anyway, we will see how things go. I have told him there are not going to be any miracles overnight that's for sure. He has totally broken my trust regardless of what did or didn't happen. He needs to work at getting it back from me now. He knows that. He will stay sleeping on the sofa for now, and I am looking into counselling sessions. I do still love him and he says he loves me. I think that's half the battle in a way. If one of us didn't love the other, it wouldn't be worth working at, but it is going to need work. We need to start from scratch and rebuild the blocks of our marriage. When we are good, we are really good.
I know you will probably all think I am mad. But I really do appreciate all your help and support that you have given me. If I post back here it's all gone wrong you can all say 'i told you so'

Please buy Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends Angel. It will help you a lot at this time.

Do consider Relate counseling as well Angel. It will be worth it.

Has he provided evidence that supports his story because most of all I do feel it is important to be utterly utterly sure it is over. I agree with everything else you've requested as well Angel.

Angel,

I am so glad that you are working through this (YOU as an individual). Print out your last post and keep it with you - remember to do these things and remember this strength. You are, at this point in time, taking ownership of your relationship and all that it can be in the future. And giving him the lifeline of a future together. He will need to earn your trust and faith.

Angel, I (in some far removed remote way and only in the way a complete stranger on MN can) feel very proud of you.

x

Good Luck with it all xxx

good luck, and hope all works out for you.
please make sure this is the truth, and ask for proof, as tandcplease has said, you need to be sure this is over. go to relate, it'll be worth it if you can be happily married again...xxx

i am not sure what i can ask for as proof though?

How about looking at his itemised phone bills for the last 6 months? That'll help you track whether his story is true that he has fed you? They're available online as well as paper, depending on what he has chosen to do.

I'm sure there's more but right now my mind is blank. Others may have some thoughts for you as well.

Ah credit statements is another one?

It'll be very difficult to recover if everytime you think you've heard it all another horror story comes out though and it'll set you back again. It's much better for him to be completely honest and open now.

i agree, if you going to put it all behind you, things cannot keep popping up, emails if they kept in contact that way, and all his passwords so you can check bills, bank statements telephone and email whenever you like.