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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Nice guys v bad boys

58 replies

weakatheknees · 30/07/2010 10:14

im very attracted to the bad boy type. It hasnt really got me very far ( though ive had a lot of fun along the way)

I had made a HUGE effort to give the nice guys a chance and have been seeing someone very very 'nice' for about 2 months - though its nothing serious.

I spend the whole time bored, i dont look forward to seeing him, its just crap. There is no lust, no excitment, no nothing. I almost feel lost myself.

My head is being more than turned by a very very bad boy. ive known him a while, but have managed to resist his advances as i thought it wasnt what i want.

But i bloody do. i cant help it. The chemistry is just amazing. The banter, the sexual tension, the excitment levels. It all just sends me into a heady spin. I love it. I just adore it.

So - i dont know if i should continue with my floppy, sleepy, nice guy ( because hes nice, and sensible and thats what i should want - right)

or agree to go to dinner with mr bad... and have a truely wicked wicked time.

OP posts:

RealityKicksArse · 30/07/2010 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rafwife · 30/07/2010 10:19

TBH, I think you should let the nice guy go and let him find a nice woman, you are treating him like shit.

You are quite disprespectful towards him and it's not his fault. You know he is not right stop stringing him along.

wukter · 30/07/2010 10:23

Agreed, Reality.
That guy is just not the one for you.
Personally, I don't get how you could love someone that you don't even admire or respect. I couldn't respect someone so selfindulgent and predictable as a bad boy, but obv that's just me.
I do think it's too easy to be a bad boy, nice guys have more hidden depth and inner strength and I find that attractive. Maybe you could try looking at it like that and see if there are qualities that you may have overlooked before?

I don't mean to put all men into those two boxes, it's just shorthand for the purposes of this conversation.

Original poster

weakatheknees · 30/07/2010 10:27

no - i dont mean violent thug/drug dealer/casanova type.

I cant put into words what i mean. You would know the type if you had come accross it.

Mr nice and mr bad boy ( its just descriptions) . I would love to find someone half way between the two. Everyone says - why dont you give the nice guys a chance. So i did and i just find them bland. They might be funny, or sexy or advertrous. they are just lacking something - i dont know what it is.

Im not treating anyone like shit. Im nice. Im actually trying very hard to give mr nice guy a chance ( but lets not over dramatise, its not a serious relationship) I text him, heck, i even baked him a cake! We have never had a conversation about being exclusive, so im not stringing him along either.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/07/2010 10:28

Being attracted to 'bad boys' is, IMO, a mark of immaturity and/or low self-worth.

I'd suggest taking a long break from dating and focusing more on your children and self-development.

RealityKicksArse · 30/07/2010 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NinaJane · 30/07/2010 10:31

There are more than just 2 types of men in the world. I am married to man who is nice. It is bloody fantastic. He is bloody fantastic. He is dependable, trustworthy, kind, considerate, funny, naughty, wicked, unpredictable and bloody good looking. We have been married for 14 years and we still bonk in the car and in the bushes at wedding receptions. He challenges me to skinny-dip with him when we are on holiday, etc. He is my best friend, the doting father of my children and I look forward to growing old and wrinkly with him.

Original poster

weakatheknees · 30/07/2010 10:31

wukter - yes - im just putting them in boxes for the purpose of this talk.

i too thought he might have hidden depth, or something. Im trying really really hard to be attracted to him. I know lots of nice men, ive been on dates with lots of nice men. I just dont get that ' spark' unless its with a bad boy.

and then i fall hook line and sinker!

Its just i was trying to change what i found attractive, im self aware enought to know that ultimtley thats not good for me. But actually i dont think i can change what im attracted to. I cant help it - its just the way i am.

OP posts:

sunny2010 · 30/07/2010 10:31

Women attracted to bad boys usually have low self esteem and dont think they deserve happiness. I agree with expat

harassedinhants · 30/07/2010 10:31

I had this problem after splitting up with xh. I've always been attracted to bad boys, and xh was a complete arse!!

I tried nice boys, and they just didn't cut it, even though I knew it's what I really needed..... there just wasn't that spark and I became bored really quickly. Looking back, I was going out with them because I percieved them as nice boys, not because of a particularly strong attraction to them..

Luckily dh, is a bit of both!!

I think you should let your nice guy go, you know it's not right for you, and you'll only end up hurting him.

Sammyuni · 30/07/2010 10:34

Bad boy's i know the type you are talking about i also know that there are women who constantly go for these guys even though they end up being treated badly, complain about men in general then end up dating the same 'type' of guy again with the same results.

I don't feel sorry for those type of women as they get what they are looking for. I think you should just let Mr Nice guy go obviously he is not for you and he deserves someone more attracted to him then someone forcing themselves to be with him.

Original poster

weakatheknees · 30/07/2010 10:35

Im not putting everyman into two types.

im wildly stereotyping for the purpose of the post.

no - im dont mean someone who treats you badly. I mean the bad boy/alpha male/oozes sexual tension/intelligent/articulate/dangerous type.

My self deveopment is fine. Im self aware enough to know the type i go for. Im self aware enough to try and change it - and im also self aware enough to relise that actually its not working.

OP posts:

Original poster

weakatheknees · 30/07/2010 10:38

harrassed - yes - you were the same as me then. I think im only seeing him as i know hes nice, and i thought thats what i should want.

but i bloody dont.

Like sammyuni says - dont feel sorry for me, and i dont feel sorry for myself - im getting what i want if i chose to go with a bad boy.

i thought i could do without it, but to never have that spark again - id be sad for the rest of my life.

Hopefully one day ill meet someone whos a bit of a mixture of the two.

Im going to let me nice guy go. nicely.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/07/2010 10:40

think of your children. i hope you keep your 'bad boy' addiction away from them.

Original poster

weakatheknees · 30/07/2010 10:40

i dont have bad self esteme at all.
and i know i deserve happyness

i also know im not going to be happy forcing myself to be attracted to someting im not and bored out of my head.

OP posts:

Original poster

weakatheknees · 30/07/2010 10:46

expat - my children are fine. All activites with any man are only conducted when they are not around - ie with their father ( or, at a push in bed sound asleep)

I think you have got the wrong idea of 'bad boy' i dont mean some foul mouted lout waving a beer can and shouting abuse. Its not jeremy kyle you know

OP posts:

minipie · 30/07/2010 10:47

"I mean the bad boy/alpha male/oozes sexual tension/intelligent/articulate/dangerous type."

How about looking for someone who has the positive qualities you outline above

intelligent, articulate, oozes sexual tension (I assume you mean "is a good flirt")

but doesn't have the less positive qualities

bad boy, alpha male, dangerous (yuk)

You know there are men out there who are intelligent and articulate and excellent at naughty flirting, but are NICE GUYS at the same time.

By nice guys I do not mean floppy and dull (which is what you seem to think it means). I mean someone whose morals are in the right place and will do the right thing by people. That is perfectly compatible with being witty, fun and flirty.

colditz · 30/07/2010 10:47

i think you need to grow up a bit. Only boring people get bored.

let this nice bloke go, he deserves more than someone who is bored by him but really, you sound like a 17 year old tittering over 'bad boys'

I don't want a bad boy, I don't want any sort of boy. I'm a grown woman, I need a man, a man with the courage to do the right thing despite it being the harder option, a man with the cojones to work, and keep working, towards being a good man instead of giving up and behaving badly like a poorly disciplined nine year old boy.

'Bad Boys' are pathetic. It's easy to be 'bad', it's easy to speak to people like dirt and to not show respect - it's the opposite that's hard, and admirable.

My boyfriend complained in a restaurant for me a few months ago. He did it sweetly, politely, almost apologetically - but he did it for me because I was premenstrual and couldn't trust myself to hold my temper. My heart absolutely melted for him when he got me what I wanted without hurting anyone.

RealityKicksArse · 30/07/2010 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 30/07/2010 10:59

What colditz said.

It all sounds terribly immature, but hey, it's your life.

MarshaBrady · 30/07/2010 11:04

Do you want a man that doesn't need you. Who seemingly can have anyone, but swings his focus on to you for a while.

This makes him more of a risk.

Is this closer?

MarshaBrady · 30/07/2010 11:04

I don't think the 'nice guy' one is for you btw.

ninah · 30/07/2010 11:10

come on there are some people - women as well as men - who are nice but very dull
I went out with a man like this too for a while he would call every evening at the same time and give me a run down of his 'day'
he had a shed hobby too
I expect there is a compromise position of nice AND interesting if you are persistent- lucky
depends what you are looking for in life really 'good times' or ltr
if you are clear it is the former and it doesn't impinge on your dc then the kind of man isn't so important
but if you are telling yourself you want 'good times' when really you would like a ltr you are likely to be disappointed by your 'mr bad'

atswimtwolengths · 30/07/2010 11:18

I don't agree that 'only boring people get bored.'

Some people are just boring to be with and anyone would be bored with them.

But 'bad boy' - you're meaning someone who'll break your heart and make you hanker after him long after he's dumped you? Why would you want that?

Original poster

weakatheknees · 30/07/2010 11:38

no - im not necessary meaning that.

Being a bad boy doesnt always mean they have no moral compass or treat you like shit.

let me think of some examples of what i mean... that everyone will know....

capt jack sparrow would be one
or micky rourke in 9.5 weeks
or robbie williams
or johnthan ross.

im not saying ' i only want men like this, or i fancy them. or some other childish thing before posters jump on me. Im saying thats the sort of bad boy i mean. Its a personality thing.

Thats what give me the spark. And i have found out - that i would rather have that spark than not.

' only boring people get bored is a load of tosh. There are plently of very boring people about - but then again, not everyone exciting is a ' bad boy'.

OP posts:

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