Nice guys v bad boys

[weakatheknees]

im very attracted to the bad boy type. It hasnt really got me very far ( though ive had a lot of fun along the way)

I had made a HUGE effort to give the nice guys a chance and have been seeing someone very very 'nice' for about 2 months - though its nothing serious.

I spend the whole time bored, i dont look forward to seeing him, its just crap. There is no lust, no excitment, no nothing. I almost feel lost myself.

My head is being more than turned by a very very bad boy. ive known him a while, but have managed to resist his advances as i thought it wasnt what i want.

But i bloody do. i cant help it. The chemistry is just amazing. The banter, the sexual tension, the excitment levels. It all just sends me into a heady spin. I love it. I just adore it.

So - i dont know if i should continue with my floppy, sleepy, nice guy ( because hes nice, and sensible and thats what i should want - right)

or agree to go to dinner with mr bad... and have a truely wicked wicked time.

Thanks for that. I was getting the impression you meant boring vs exciting, which is irrelevant - deeply boring people can also be deeply vile, etc.

Going by your list above - the 2 characters and the 2 people - I now think that what you mean by a Bad Boy is a Narcissist. Ross would agree with my 'diagnosis' in a heartbeat; I'm not sure about Robbie but, given the amount of melancholy heart-searching he does, am certain he could provide his own diagnosis. The Rourke & Depp characters are both users who manipulate other people for their own ends. It's interesting - are you fatally attracted to completely self-absorbed men? Is that what you mean with a Bad Boy?

Would you fancy any of Depp's more thoughtful characters (the ones where he wears glasses)? Can you come up with any more examples?

i think i am really.
and i know this
and cant help it
and do rather enjoy it

it gives me the most enormous buzz of which i cant put into words.

but not because i think i should be treated badly - or because i have low self esteme.

i dont know why.

i would fancy depps more thoughtful characters... for sure. but maybe not to the same degree.

erm lets see
gordon ramsey
russel brand
sawyer from lost
brad pitt ( though not so much in the last 7 years or so)
There are loads - its not a looks thing.
its a personality trait - and i am compleatly attracted to it.

If someone doesnt have it ( like mr nice) i just dont feel a thing - no matter how much i try.

Oh, god, they are narcissists. It's not a personality trait, it's a Personality Disorder - that is, a severe psychiatric condition!

My advice: Get to work learning what self confidence is, and how it differs from self-absorption. Otherwise, you're in for more than a bumpy ride.

OP, you realise I am blaming you squarely for getting Rihanna stuck in my head all day now

Same here Reality, nice doesn't = boring.

DH is the nicest person you can imagine, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he would kill or die for me and DD, he likes fast cars and motorbikes and he has the survival skills of Ray Mears .He has never hurt me or let me down in 28 years, either intentionally or unintentionally.

My definition of a "bad boy" is someone who will let you down and have no respect for you - why would anyone want that?

"And for anyone wishing to copy Russell's success with the opposite sex, here is his advice: "Everyone inside themselves has a little self-doubt.
"If you help them to overcome that by recognising how beautiful they are it's almost impossible for them not to have sex with you.""

That is ... He identifies people's vulnerability & uses it to get his own way. Nice

Since I'm in Amateur Diagnosis Mode today, watk, I pronounce you co-dependent. Fix it, please.

Great posts Grace, you are on fire today!

grace - you are on fire.

;)

but i kind of knew all that allready.

Though ive not been called co-dependednt before. Link?

Thing is - though i know all that. And i know that really - in the long term it is not good for me. It seems impossible to change it.

Ive read books, talked,analysed etc...etc...
i cant reprogramme my brain to get that spark from anything else.

and i cant be without that spark. I adore it, life would be a very sad place without it occassionally.

weakattheknees, I wonder whether the reason you don't like Brad Pitt so much nowadays is that he's surrounded with children and seems to be Mr Nice Guy?

You're right, it can be very intriguing. And, well, hey, Jane Ross deals with it by having an army of sisters. She goes to live with her sister whenever she needs support (like when she had cancer) as she knows DH can't support anyone but himself. Obviously nobody can deal with Robbie, so forget the tortured type ... I don't give Katie Perry a year, so you could have a go at Russell after the split.

To make a go of it you must: Be independently rich; have a glamorous but low-key career of your own; have rock-solid relationships elsewhere, so your primary relationship is only for fun; be extremely self confident and strong-willed.

You might also like to consider that these men all have "presence". A psychiatric condition isn't a prerequisite for this, other people have it too. You quite often find it in the hospitality & entertainment industries, the medical profession and among sports people - it's something to do with focus, I suspect. You could try looking out men with loads of presence AND the ability to understand they're not the only person in the world??

probably.

lol

ok - yes. thats it.

just google co depended. im so far off being co dependent.
Thats not it at all.

i do wonder if its something to do with them often being emotionally unavaliable and not 'needing' anything from me, so i feel free to me 100% myself - without any restrictions.

when im with 'mr nice guy' i actually feel at loss with myself, like im hiding myself.

when im with a 'bad boy' i cut loose totally.
and i love it.

because i dont feel i owe them anything, or that they cant be shocked. so i can do/say/act how i like and it doesnt matter.

which is how i am most of the time anyway - but with someone a lot more 'nice,quieter, or whatever' i just hold back.

True, it doesn't matter Because you don't.

OP - interestingly, your nice guy was on another forum, wondering whether he should move on from his 'bad girl' and find a nice one instead.

He said that he was fed up of your need to be on edge and unsure about what he was up to...that you weren't mature enough for a serious relationship and that your whole approach to relationships indiciated a deep-seated insecurity, stemming from thinking you don't actually deserve to be respected and treated with decency.

Oh and he also pointed out that you've not agreed to be exclusive yet so he's off looking elsewhere too.

Which is fortunate, no??

weak

You appear to be attracted to men who are egos on legs.

I agree such men have a certain "aura" about them. I understand the attraction. I went out with one once.

However, that attraction only works in the short term.

What happens in the longer term if you go out with someone like this is that their huge ego and personality and need for attention means you end up small and pathetic (in their eyes and in your eyes) by comparison. Everything is governed by their needs, not yours.

Sooner or later you look at yourself and think "hey, it's time I was at the centre of things for once". And then you leave the narcissist to their own self-love. Or at least, that's what I did.

lol - why are you painting him as some unfortunate soul who im walking all over?

hes never once even asked me to be exclusive, hes never even brought up the subject and im not sure thats what he wants at all.

and whats this needing to be on edge and unsure as to what hes up to all about?

so no, its not unfortunate.

grace - again. You are most likely right.
i wont even disagree. Thing is i cant seem to reprogramme my brain any other way ( and if it was that easy to - well, hell. we all would)

But like i said.I love the spark. In a sense its an addiction. proper hear pounding, pulse racing, palms sweating, adrelin filled addiction.
And im not addicted to anything else... its not that bad a vice.

"because i dont feel i owe them anything, or that they cant be shocked. so i can do/say/act how i like and it doesnt matter."

Maybe it's because you know they won't treat you well/stay with you, so you feel happier because you don't need to treat them well/stay with you either? Is it that you don't actually like the idea of having obligations to anyone else?

If that's the case, perhaps you're one of those people who isn't suited to monogamy, like SolidGoldBrass talks about.

grace - just saw your other post.
i have vrey high self confidence and am aas stubborn as they come.
the ' presence' thing, yes, lots of people have it, you can tell in a split second. Of course, im instantly attracted to them too.

yes - egos on legs.

bigger egos that mine. Ive never dated anyone with a ego smaller than mine ( bar mr nice)

like i keep saying - i know. and i know what they are like. Ive a lot of experience with men like this.

I know why i find them attractive, i know why i cant help myself and i know that in the long run, its not the best choice.

But the high is so high.... and ive tried the alternative.. and its not working.

so - im thinking - i need to just accept what i like, and find ways of making it work ( a la jane ross haha)

yes katy perry, what a silly match, a year tops.

then hes mine

Nice doesnt mean dull though as has been said earlier. I used to think abit like you but grew out of it . Interesting men dont have to be "bad" - unless possibly you are 15 or something.

I had a "bad" ex in that he was charismatic and fascinating and I felt really understood me but had an aggressive violent side and was in trouble with tax authorities so kept having to flee the country etc. I kept going back to him because the men I dated during our constant split ups were dull and "nice" as I thought then. Then I met DH who is interesting. passionate and charismatic yet with none of the negative traits of my ex.

Sorry but you won't find ways of making it work long term with someone like this. At least not if you want fidelity. Part of the ego on legs temperament is the need to have lots of women.

I think it can work long term.

You just need to have something that hold their attention.

Brad Pitt is besotted with AJ, Depp good with VP (not that I know really of course, but since we are talking about slebs).

ah dogfish.

you talk a lot of sense.

in that case im totally led by my reproductive instinct.

lol