Does this text sound suspicious to you or am I being paranoid? (Suspected affair)

[worriedbeeagain]

My DP sent me a text which sounds odd. It says "Txt/call me when / if you can.x"

What worries me is I think it might not have been meant for me. DP does sometimes text me with messages meant for his mates by accident. If he wants me to call him, he sends a text saying "Call me babe". He never says I should text him.

I have no idea what I should be texting him about anyway! I only saw him a couple of hours ago, and he'll be back later! (He's at a mates house just down the road).

Unfortunately I didn't get the text until about an hour after he sent it, but even so when I called he had no clear reason why I should call him, he just bumbled on about what they've been talking about, and tried to explain why he'd said I should text him (because I'd been putting DS down) which makes it sound even more suss IMO.

Every so often I worry that DP might be less than faithful.

I try not to let myself get carried away with worrying as there are good reasons why I could be wrong. I really worried about it in the past, did loads of snooping and he came up with a relatively clean bill of health. So I decided to get on with enjoying my relationship with a good man, and not to let what could be irrational fears destroy things. (I had a jealous ex so I know it's not fun to be on the receiving end!)

But my fears were revived the other day when day I came downstairs and he was obviously doing something suss on the computer as he tried to hide it and acted very guilty. But it could have been porn, not necessarily anything to do with an affair.

I'm going to have to confront him as this is eating me up, and he has arranged a night away from home this weekend. I'll have to say something before then or I'll be going mental with worry. But I'm worried if I have put 2 and 2 together and made 5 I'll be damaging our relationship.

what would you do?

TIA worriedbeeagain x

OK, so I've arranged for a friend to babysit so we can have a chat. Think I'll have a little Dutch courage.

I'm really not looking forward to it.
It?s really hard to get him to talk about stuff, he?s a really private person when it comes to his feelings.

I can't concentrate, this is horrible.

I do know the friend that he?s visiting, and I?m sure he?ll be there at some point, but I can hardly call every five minutes can I? I don?t want to come out of this looking like (or even becoming) a deranged mad woman!

I'm afraid I just can't see the point of asking him at this point.
I mean he's not going to admit it, is he? Specially once he susses out that you have no evidence, just a hunch. There've been loads of other halves on here who've denied it til they're blue in the face, even when they've been caught red-handed.
All it will do is leave you feeling like an idiot, and he'll cover his tracks better in future.
IF there's anything going on, that is.

I love this man. What it will do is show him that what I demand in this relationship is honesty and that goes both ways. So I?m not going to hide that I?m feeling like shit about this anymore. He needs to know what?s going on in my head. I want to talk about that first incident a bit more as it?s not resolved, it keeps coming back up in my head and it?s not fair that I have to deal with it alone.

I will give him a chance to admit it, if anything is going on, and explain in no uncertain terms what will happen if something is going on and doesn?t take this chance to admit it, but I find out later.
I don?t expect him to confess to anything but at least I tried ? if it all goes tits up in the future he can?t say he wasn?t warned.

If something is going on I will find out eventually. If not, then I hope this will clear the air and resolve things a bit.

Perhaps naive but it's better of more of this watch and wait, I've been doing that for over a year and I've had enough.

If it wasn't for the condom thing before, then I feel yes I could look like an idiot. But I want to say - look at the very least this is still affecting me, we need to talk about it.

bee, good luck

although if he is up to something, you could drive him underground, I totally get that you cannot continue to stand by

I serioulsy do ot know how some women can hold their tongue for months

if I was a cheater myself, I would blurt it out within days !

it's not good for your mental health

I am a "confronter" too, I just have to clear the air, for my own sake if not anything else

and like you say, if it goes tits-up in the future, you know you tried

and that is kinda what I meant about "burying your head in the sand"

thanks

OK. Fair enough.

Good luck. I hope you get some resolution and peace of mind.

hmm, yes suspicious.

I wouldn't talk about it, I'd wait.

I do really hope you do get peace of mind from telling him how you feel, I can't imagine what it must be like to be second guessing his every step , but I highly suspect you won't.
If there is anything going on, you aren't ever going to find out who/when/what/why? after this chat, that's for sure imho.
He's gonna cover his tracks very well afterwards.

Good luck

your instincts are the key.
intuition is sending you a message. something isn't right. Listen to it.

I'm reading 'the Gift of Fear' at the moment, it talks a lot about intuition and instincts.
There are a couple of interesting lists;

'Intuition communicates with people in different ways sending the following messages;
Nagging feelings
Persistant thoughts
Dark humour
Anxiety
Hunches
Gut feelings
Doubt
Suspicion
Apprehension

Signs that you are in denial;
Rationalisation
Justification
Minimization
Excuse making
Refusal'

I was with a cheater for 2 years and he ended up making me feel as though I was going mad, being irrational etc. I was relieved to find out my insticts had been correct in the end.
Good luck.

My OH frequently send texts like this to his mail work colleagues and occassionally he texts me by mistake because my number is usually his last call.

How did the chat go, Bee? I'm feeling for you here. You sound adorable and he (I'm afraid) sounds like a deceitful twunt who hasn't a clue how lucky he is to have you.

It sounds suss to me esp the 'if you can' and the 'txt me' as that can be done sneaky if the recipient has an OH around.

YetAnother, does he sign off with 'x'?

I hope you've spoken to him Bee... I understand people saying wait for more evidence but I for one would have to confront him now I'm afraid.

Hope you're ok x

Just wanted to come back and give you an update. I have a happy ending for you!

I know the cynics won?t believe it, I think maybe you had to be there

It took me a couple of days to get a chance to get DP on his own, when we weren?t totally shattered. But I plucked up the courage and told him how I was feeling and how that first incident was still playing on my mind. Despite my fears, it actually went really well. We talked about the weird way we got together (we had only been dating a few weeks when I got pregnant). I think that?s got a lot to do with my feelings of insecurity about the relationship.

I need to know that DP is with me because he wants to be, not because he feels he has to out of a sense of duty. But as he doesn't actually tell me that often I don't know where I stand and that encourages me to fear the worst. That and finding a condom on him, which is enough to weird anyone out IMO.

But we talked, it was good, he loves me. He?s not cheating on me. I know for sure. I?m so glad I faced up to this. I was prepared for the worst. It was better than that mad, paranoid place I was in before! But he's come up trumps, I?m delighted.

I know the cynics won?t be convinced, but I?m naturally pretty cynical (hence my distrust) and I can say hand on heart I have no doubts now.

Thanks all of you for being there to talk it over with. It really did help, I really appreciate it. I know who you are, I?ll see you on other threads when I?m in my usual name and I?ll be really nice to you!

Sorry it?s taken me so long to reply by the way. I?ve not had much time on the computer this week, and when I have got a chance DP was in the same room and it just felt wrong!

Phew

I was very interested by FrameyMcF's list from 'the Gift of Fear'. I've certainly earned several medals for ignoring my intuition & 'rationalising' in the past: it was easy enough for other people to convince me that my history had left me unduly suspicious & insecure. It is very hard to distinguish between intuitive warnings and insecurity. Looking at the list I recognise certain signs like black humour and apprehension, which are normal under duress - in wartime, for example - but shouldn't be prominent when life is fairly comfortable.

Throughout your thread, you sounded doubtful but sure of your love for your partner and (most importantly) clear about what you want & need from your relationship. I'm glad you've got that now. Wishing you the best, and thanks for the update!