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Original poster

Does this text sound suspicious to you or am I being paranoid? (Suspected affair)

94 replies

worriedbeeagain · 27/07/2010 23:47

My DP sent me a text which sounds odd. It says "Txt/call me when / if you can.x"

What worries me is I think it might not have been meant for me. DP does sometimes text me with messages meant for his mates by accident. If he wants me to call him, he sends a text saying "Call me babe". He never says I should text him.

I have no idea what I should be texting him about anyway! I only saw him a couple of hours ago, and he'll be back later! (He's at a mates house just down the road).

Unfortunately I didn't get the text until about an hour after he sent it, but even so when I called he had no clear reason why I should call him, he just bumbled on about what they've been talking about, and tried to explain why he'd said I should text him (because I'd been putting DS down) which makes it sound even more suss IMO.

Every so often I worry that DP might be less than faithful.

I try not to let myself get carried away with worrying as there are good reasons why I could be wrong. I really worried about it in the past, did loads of snooping and he came up with a relatively clean bill of health. So I decided to get on with enjoying my relationship with a good man, and not to let what could be irrational fears destroy things. (I had a jealous ex so I know it's not fun to be on the receiving end!)

But my fears were revived the other day when day I came downstairs and he was obviously doing something suss on the computer as he tried to hide it and acted very guilty. But it could have been porn, not necessarily anything to do with an affair.

I'm going to have to confront him as this is eating me up, and he has arranged a night away from home this weekend. I'll have to say something before then or I'll be going mental with worry. But I'm worried if I have put 2 and 2 together and made 5 I'll be damaging our relationship.

what would you do?

TIA worriedbeeagain x

OP posts:
Rollergirl1 · 28/07/2010 10:58

I don't think the text is a red-herring atall. It specifically says "Txt/call me when / if you can.x" This implies that he is awaiting a specific response about something that the recipient is aware of. Otherwise, as the OP states, what would she text with?! And the OP's DP has already admitted that he didn't really have anything to discuss with her. So it is odd at the very least. And when backed up by all the other odd and suspicious behaviour it all stacks up.

clam · 28/07/2010 10:59

Look, regardless of who the text was for, isn't it rather an odd thing to send anyway?

Why text someone to ask them to text/phone you? If you want to speak to them about something, then use the text you're sending to say it! Or phone them yourself!

Unless it's someone who is not "free" to answer the phone easily. And therefore needs to plan it in advance.

Bizarre.

You reckon your bloke has learned his lesson re: the condoms. But you've been waiting for other slip-ups for your mental "log" of suspicious activity. Well, stick this on the list, watch and wait.

Eglu · 28/07/2010 11:04

I think checking the outbox, is more if he sent that text to you, he possibly sent it to someone else when he realised it was sent to you. He may also have sent other texts to someone else that are evidence?

bananalover · 28/07/2010 11:20

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. You are going to drive yourself mad if you don't have this out with him.
Is he a good liar face to face? If not you will 'know' straight away that he has something to hide.
Only you can tell whether he is being honest with you or not. Snooping is good, but whilst you are following his movements, you will continue to have this awful gutwrenching in your stomach. You will make yourself ill and you have a child to care for.
Confront him...tell him you need the truth or your relationship cannot continue.

loves2walk · 28/07/2010 11:32

Worriedbee- are you able to get onto his phone without him knowing? Does he have a password? Does he leave it lying around freely? If you can take it into the loo with you for a good snoop then sneak it back again. You feel mad doing this but you're not. You are doing all this to protect yourself and your kids against any deceit going on.

Original poster
worriedbeeagain · 28/07/2010 11:40

I've had a look at his phone, including the outbox, and nothing seems suspicious. He deletes all texts every so often (to make space) but hasn't done this for about a week.

OP posts:
rosieposey · 28/07/2010 11:45

So in the outbox was the message he sent to you still there and not forwarded onto anyone else.

Sorry but im with other posters here The condom thing would have completely runined my trust and it would have had to have ended but the text thing is out of context given that he saw you only an hour previously and he always asks you to phone him ... trust your instincts, i did and caught an ex walking down the road redhanded with someone else, needless to say that was the last time i saw him.

If i were you i would be doing some digging or following him (but im a suspicious-arse!)

Original poster
worriedbeeagain · 28/07/2010 14:59

Rollergirl1 and clam thanks I?m glad you can see what I see. I'm not begin totally mental, it i doesn?t make sense does it?

bananalover "You are going to drive yourself mad if you don't have this out with him.? You?re right. I think the right thing to do is speak to him. Whether I will have the bottle or not is another thing though.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbeeagain · 28/07/2010 15:03

roseyposey it has affected my trust, yes. However, for me at least ^considering sleeping with someone else isn?t enough for me to leave the father of my child (which is all an unused condom is evidence* of - although in reality it could be just the tip of the iceberg of course).

Now though, it?s hard to see whether my suspicions are fall-out from losing that trust then, or if I should be genuinely concerned.

OP posts:
clam · 28/07/2010 15:37

Don't think you've got enough evidence yet. I would advocate watching and waiting a little longer, except for the fact that it's preying on your mind.
Not a nice way to live your life.

Sorry

Original poster
worriedbeeagain · 28/07/2010 15:38

All this worrying is ridiculous, I think I'm going to have to talk to him.

OP posts:
coventgarden · 28/07/2010 15:40

I think you are right to be suspicious. It is exactly the sort of text I would have sent.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 15:49

the sort of text you would have sent for what/to whom, cg ?

msboogie · 28/07/2010 15:56

if one of your motives in talking to him is to let him know that you are onto him and thereby make him call a halt to his gallop I think you are making a big mistake.

It won't stop him doing what he is doing - it will only make him more careful.

Its better you find out if he is a cheat so that you can deal with it rather than wasting more years believing his rubbish explanations for things.

MorrisZapp · 28/07/2010 15:57

Sounds dodgy if it isn't the kind of text he normally sends you. And I remember the condom thread very well.

But is it going to put your mind at rest if you ask him about it and he continues to say whatever it was he said at the time?

If it is dodgy then he won't admit it until you have concrete proof.

I know it's easier said than done, but I'd be tempted to give him the rope to hang himself here, unless of course what you want is not to really really know the truth, and just want a further affirmation from him that nothing is going on - as that's what you'll get if you confront him now.

loves2walk · 28/07/2010 16:03

I'd agree with msboogie and morris - without any evidence surely he will just deny anything, do his best to reassure you, keep everything tightly under wraps and you will be none the wiser, but as suspicious as before. He needs to be relaxed about his phone, his night away for him to slip up. And you need to be vigilant and one step ahead.

I can understand your feelings about this not being enough for you to leave him. Unless you want to leave him for other reasons, you are right to take this slowly and not jump to too many conclusions. But in your wish to find nothing and keep your family together, don't ignore real signs of deceit.

coventgarden · 28/07/2010 16:24

A long time ago I had an EA.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 16:30

I see what you are saying now, cg

coventgarden · 28/07/2010 16:34

It was a long time ago and not anything I would be involved in now.

Original poster
worriedbeeagain · 28/07/2010 17:37

cg me too.

I had a couple of short-lived affairs when I was in a very unsuitable relationship, about 15 years ago. (I should have just left, not cheated, I also wouldn't do it now). I recognise some of the signs from when I cheated. I was incredibly sneaky, much sneakier than my DP is capable of I think.

Even so my ex-DP just knew, come to think of it.

Being on the other side of this taught me important lessons on why cheating is a bad idea, and lessons about honesty in general, that I don't think my DP has learnt TBH. He does tend to tell white lies to get him out of tight spots.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 17:40

bee, if you recognise the signs, why are you burying your head in the sand ?

EekaSqueaka · 28/07/2010 17:53

Trust your instincts. If it isn't sitting right with you, it probably isn't.

The issue comes when trying to discuss it. He will obviously try to undermine your instincts (if he's cheating) and so you really are going to have to decide prior to the event who you are going to listen to - him or yourself.

He can't prove a negative and wont want to prove a positive and this is why several people have suggested you bide your time if you can, to allow for the possibility of further 'evidence' appearing.

Understandable if not, it is a horrible kind of limbo to be in but you've already been here once, so this time I think you deserve more certainty either way, IYKWIM?

MrsJellicle · 28/07/2010 18:10

Trust your instinct. This all sounds very suspicious to me.

Do all you can to get evidence, but don't wait too long before confronting, because it makes you ill and mad. You can spend too long waiting for the conclusive piece of evidence that may never arrive.

At some level I was putting off confronting my h because I didn't want it to turn out to be true. But this just made things worse and delayed the time when I could put a stop to what he was doing and sort things out between us.

Good luck, worriedbee.

Original poster
worriedbeeagain · 29/07/2010 11:54

Did I talk to him, in the reasoned, eloquent way I'd imagined in my head? Did I fuck.

We had a (rare) argument about me wanting a bit of child / work free time instead. Nice one worriedbee, that really helped

Anyfucker, although I am worried, I do love this man, and it's not enough, for me anyway, to be sure. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm sure if it does turn out to be true I'll say - I saw the signs, I knew all along. But while there is still a possibility that it?s just me being paranoid, I?m not willing to wreck a relationship with a lovely man and the father of my child. Not everyone who suspects their partner is right, every time - I had a jealous ex for example, who saw evidence of infidelity that didn?t exist. While there is still a possibility I'm wrong (and I do think there is) there's just too much to loose.

What a shitty situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbeeagain · 29/07/2010 11:55

Thanks everyone for your replies, it has really helped to talk it over. I feel a bit better today.

OP posts:
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