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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does this text sound suspicious to you or am I being paranoid? (Suspected affair)

94 replies

worriedbeeagain · 27/07/2010 23:47

My DP sent me a text which sounds odd. It says "Txt/call me when / if you can.x"

What worries me is I think it might not have been meant for me. DP does sometimes text me with messages meant for his mates by accident. If he wants me to call him, he sends a text saying "Call me babe". He never says I should text him.

I have no idea what I should be texting him about anyway! I only saw him a couple of hours ago, and he'll be back later! (He's at a mates house just down the road).

Unfortunately I didn't get the text until about an hour after he sent it, but even so when I called he had no clear reason why I should call him, he just bumbled on about what they've been talking about, and tried to explain why he'd said I should text him (because I'd been putting DS down) which makes it sound even more suss IMO.

Every so often I worry that DP might be less than faithful.

I try not to let myself get carried away with worrying as there are good reasons why I could be wrong. I really worried about it in the past, did loads of snooping and he came up with a relatively clean bill of health. So I decided to get on with enjoying my relationship with a good man, and not to let what could be irrational fears destroy things. (I had a jealous ex so I know it's not fun to be on the receiving end!)

But my fears were revived the other day when day I came downstairs and he was obviously doing something suss on the computer as he tried to hide it and acted very guilty. But it could have been porn, not necessarily anything to do with an affair.

I'm going to have to confront him as this is eating me up, and he has arranged a night away from home this weekend. I'll have to say something before then or I'll be going mental with worry. But I'm worried if I have put 2 and 2 together and made 5 I'll be damaging our relationship.

what would you do?

TIA worriedbeeagain x

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 28/07/2010 00:39

That was a moment of light relief at least!

Worriedbee- I think he's cheating. Sorry, but I do.

grapeandlemon · 28/07/2010 00:42

Oh shit sorry, bills I mean! Freudian slip there

whatifihadneverbothered · 28/07/2010 07:33

As all the others have said, check his phone, e-mail account bills etc.

It's not looking good, go with your gut instinct mine never let me down, caught my ex out after he sent a text message very similar to yours, have to say now she's welcome to the git, especially as I know once a cheat always a cheat.

BollockBrain · 28/07/2010 07:35

I would be checking his balls with a carving knife

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/07/2010 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

worriedbeeagain · 28/07/2010 07:57

"checking his balls with a fine toothcomb" indeed!

Nothing on his phone, but he could have deleted any dodgy texts.

I still think the text is just weird though. He's not really a phone person, he only says to call him if he has a good reason. And why would he ask me to text him if I've got nothing to text him about? In the 2 1/2 years we've been together he's never randomly said "text me". But one wierd text does not an affair make.

Hi Shineonyoucrazydiamond that's quite an extreme approach! This man is the father of my child, and I love him very much. I'm not going to leave him unless I have concrete evidence that something's up.

Bugger. I'd stopped living in a suspicious way. I decided to put the worries aside and get on with enjoying the relationship after last time I had a bit of a wobble. It's shit to be back here again.

OP posts:

BollockBrain · 28/07/2010 07:59

Was he the person who put the condom in the washbag?

Think there was another thread about the MNer who found the condom in the work trousers too?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/07/2010 08:06

Re: the phone, did you check the Outbox? A staggering number of people forget to delete those ones (because it usually doesn't show in the shortcut menu).

poshsinglemum · 28/07/2010 08:19

The text sounds totally innocent imo. Only one kiss you see. Friends I would say.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/07/2010 08:23

Male friends, PSM?

Parsleypants · 28/07/2010 08:32

worriedbeeagain... can I just say something here. You say above that the condom in washbag thing was at the beginning of your relationship and that you have been together 2.5 years. But the condom thread dates from Dec 09 and in that thread you say you have a baby together! He has a baby with you but took a f*cking condom to a work do, then lied about it to start with? WTF?? I think you have to be a bit more hard faced here and do some digging because you sound lovely and as Monty27 says: watch, listen and learn.

clam · 28/07/2010 08:33

I cannot think of any reason on this earth why he would take a condom to a party you were't at, if he didn't have at least the intention to cheat if he got the chance. Don't care if it was used or not.

Trust your instincts.

madonnawhore · 28/07/2010 08:47

Just going on what you've told us, it sounds really dodgy. Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear, but I would be doing some serious snooping.

loves2walk · 28/07/2010 09:26

Oh worriedbee you're right to be worried. It's a horrible state to be in. You know that if you find nothing, it means nothing except more uncertAinty, yet if you find the evidence you're sure is there, everything changes and you'll be plunged into a drama you just don't want nor deserve.

Like others have said, I would snoop and be savvy about the overnight thing. Think of a way of checking up during the evening if he's where he says he was going. Invent a childs illness if needed that you just want to chat through, that then clears up no bother. I did that once, sad to say.
All the while you're snooping act like nothing is up. You need to lull him into a sense of security so he slips up. Horrid horrid place to be, I really feel for you. Turns your stomach doesn't it?

AlaskaNebraska · 28/07/2010 09:26

yes

msboogie · 28/07/2010 10:24

yes he's more than likely cheating.

Siunds very much like took the opportunity of you putting DS to bed so that he could go up the road to his friend's house and conduct telephone arrangements for his dirty weekend away.

Do you know where his friend lives? I would be doing some snooping. Unless you want to bury your head in the sand.

Original poster

worriedbeeagain · 28/07/2010 10:39

I know his friend pretty well. I'm sure he is actually visiting him, but that doesn?t mean he?s not also doing something else the same night. At the moment I?m thinking the best thing to do might actually be to confront him.

What if he hasn?t actually done anything yet, but talking to him might make him think twice. Or come clean. Or reassure me that there's nothing in it.

Perhaps I?m clutching at straws here though.

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedbeeagain · 28/07/2010 10:40

"Turns your stomach doesn't it?"

It certainly does

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 28/07/2010 10:41

actually,shineoncrazydiamond has a point! i mean,its not an isolated incident is it?

Rollergirl1 · 28/07/2010 10:44

As others have said you need to get your sherlock hat on and do some detective work. Do NOT confront him about this based solely on the text as all it will do as ensure that he raises the stakes so he doesn't get caught.

This night away that he has this weekend, are you able to confirm this from another source that you trust? Do you think the mate that he's staying with is one that would corroborate his story? I know it will be awful for you but I think you need to let him go along this weekend as if you are not concerned. How far away does the friend live? If something "unexpectedly" came up could he logistically get back from where he says he's going easily enough? How well do you know the friend?

The first thing I would do while he is away is call his phone. Chances are that if he is up to no good he will either have his phone off or won't answer it straight away.

I would also spend the time that he is away looking for stuff, phone bills, bank statements and looking at the cookies, history and temporary internet files on the computer. Does he clear down the history when he's been on the computer? If he does that is suspicious too.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/07/2010 10:48

worriedbee were you worried about this weekend's activities anyway at some level - and this text has brought it all to the surface? I assume you know the person he's meant to be with and you've got a landline number, in case his mobile goes out of range and you need to contact him about the DC?

You see, I just don't think this is ever going to go away. I cannot imagine how he made you believe that taking a condom to an overnight trip away was just "thoughtless packing" and so from that starting low point, it just got worse. Without reading through the last thread again, about another condom going missing, what was the resolution that time?

Have you two ever discussed fidelity properly; what it means and how committed you both are to it?

Deliaskis · 28/07/2010 10:50

In answer to the original post, I don't think the text is suspicious at all, and is like a text I might send to a whole range of my male and female friends.

The subsequent behaviour is a bit odd, and the condom thing is also bizarre, but on the face of it, this text is a complete non-story.

Re guilty internet face, I have to say I would have probably raised my DH's suspicions (if he was a suspicious kind of guy, which luckily he isn't) when I have been on the internet, but only cos I have been looking at totally geeky stuff and am a bit embarassed and know he is going to laugh. e.g. I like reading Jane Austen fanfiction and I know he thinks it's hilarious, so I have had a guilty internet face when I have been 'caught' reading things like that, nothing to do with affairs or porn or anything.

The text alone is a non-story, if you think there are other reasons to doubt him that's another thing but the text is nothing.

Original poster

worriedbeeagain · 28/07/2010 10:55

Poshsinglemum, he sent that text to me.

This think is I think maybe it was meant for someone else. It's odd that he said "text me" as I have no reason to text him, nothing to text him about! (I'd just seen him an hour before). And then when I called, he had nothing particular to say, but he did seem flustered IMO.

OP posts:

lucykate · 28/07/2010 10:56

am another one who's going to say trust your instincts. i had suspicions about a friend recently, there was a lot of odd texting going on, then she decided she needed some time out, and went off for a night away, supposedly on her own to a hotel . she has since walked out on her husband and kids as she was having an affair. don't mean to alarm you, but in these cases, there is usually no smoke without a fire.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2010 10:57

Hello again

I remember your thread about the condom. I remember that you accepted his "story" even though the overwhelming advice to you was "that is sooooo dodgy"

he is dodgy...he was then, and he is now

he is up to somthing...the same thing he was before, or a new "something"

it's up to you, I guess, how much you want to find out about what it is...at the moment you sound like you are still in denial

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