There are so many things I had to find out for myself as I never had a mum - periods, sex, toiletries, how and when to get a bra etc etc etc

[coventgarden]

What did your mum teach you that you benefitted from knowing and what do I need to teach my dd?

Bless you.

The main thing was that she taught me what it feels like to have someone love you for who you are and unconditionally so that i would never settle for anything less than that in a partner.

I think that's the best thing you could teach your DD.

(bit soppy for FourEleven but true)

Oh and to drink a pint of squash and take 2 paracetamols before going to bed after a night out.

Well, if it makes you feel a bit better, I had a rather overbearing mom and still had to find a lot of this stuff for myself.

And some stuff I wish she had let me find out for myself because she taught me wrong/outdated/irreversibly damaging stuff.

My mother did it all appallingly -total narcissist.

For my POV I tell DD everything earlyish and when she asks. Has known about periods from very early - is now 4. May not totally understand but I think its much better to have it introduced gently and naturally. Same with about bodies and discussion about differences boy and girl bodies.

Have also had lots of discussions re makeup, deodorant, bodycream, facecream etc -DD is very interested in these.

Look forward to hearing what to do re the older stuff!

I think all you can teach your DD is that she is her own person, she can do things her own way, and that she doesn't need to worry about disappointing you.

At the minute I'm struggling with my mother a bit, as whilst she's lovely and supportive, it's conditional on me being the type of mother to my DS that she wants me to be. And trying to avoid her disappointment and annoyance if I do things she doesn't agree with.

Sometimes I wish she would ease off the pressure a bit.

One very good thing I learned from her, though: Whatever happens, put ice on it.

Meant for burns and bumps, but saved my little brother's life when he almost severed his tongue and I was the only one around. If I hadn't stuffed ice in his mouth, his tongue would apparently have swollen so much that he would have trouble breathing.

That you'll always love her, even if you don't agree with her decisions.

That you can't buy friends, love or respect.

That she can make good decisions and shoulder responsibilities on her own. She doesn't have to depend on anyone for happiness.

That she is a great person and worthy of the very best sort of partner when she's all grown up.

That she CAN do it.

My mother told me that I was a 36C bra size, just like her.
That turned out to be quite wrong!
Plenty of motherly advice is well-intended, but maybe not actually best coming from a mom .

(do people actually get advice from their moms about sex??, ooh, yick shudder)

Thank you all so much for being so kind and not laughing at me.

I am going to get a notebook and make a note of these pearls of wisdom .

When I said sex, I meant the birds and the bees as in how babies were made. ( myself as that is the same, yes?]

I always had to do stuff my mothers way.... could never find out for myself - even it was wrong.

DS1 (13) has said he wants to grow his hair a bit and dye it black , but whilst I don't think it will suit his colouring I will let him do it so he can find out himself. My mother said to me "you're not going to let him do it are you?".

But she also taught me how to make gravy from the meat juices when cooking a roast... I make fab gravy

My mum was fairly rubbish at the old advice stuff, she is very much of the persuasion that her way is the only way.

However, the best bit of advice that she has ever given me is:

"you can't help who you fall in love with but you can be realistic about it".

Well my mum wasn't great with that stuff. She is a real cold fish, so no advice, just orders. She bought pads when she thought I was going to start periods, and took me to buy training bras, but all that 'motherly advice' stuff did NOT happen.

She also did teach me to make fab gravy as well!

I didn't get much in the way of advice either - just vague stuff couched in religious terms "god makes babies" type stuff

but to answer your question I would repeat what gay40 said "That she is a great person and worthy of the very best sort of partner when she's all grown up."

Single most important thing to teach a girl I think.

My mum taught me to never go to bed on an argument.

Look after the pennys, the pounds will look after themselves.

If you do something wrong, admit it never try and cover up or lie about it.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. I think this was the most important thing she ever taught me.

It taught me to have empathy with others, really made me think about how my actions would or could affect others.

I love my mum

It's petty, but I wish my mum had taught me about getting my hair cut, it still bothers me now that I'm clueless about hairdressers.

The most important lesson I learned was about self esteem, if you don't love and look after yourself, no-one else will treat you with the respect you deserve, I would have loved to have been told this by my mum.

Agree with TheButterflyEffect about creating an atmosphere where questions can be asked and answered honestly.

Coventgarden...
Let her ask... Get a couple of books you may think cover all the girly staff for starters. That will send the message that you are open for discussion too.

And when it comes, just answer what you know, find ways of finding more information together. It may be outdated but if a child asks they want to know. Many things my mum taught me were not that useful in content, but it was very useful that she answered instead of avoiding it.

For many other issues I would have very much appreciated some books to be able to do my own 'research' on it.

Good luck

whatifihadneverbothered...I am going to memorise your mum's advice.

I don't have girls myself but remember my Mum freaking because I started my periods younger than she expected and didn't answer my questions properly like how often you changed the pad, although in later life she was amazing.

My friend let her daughter wear a sanitary pad for a hour so that when her periods started that she knew what that part would feel like. She also gave her a pack for her school bag that included, sanitary pad, clean knickers and some wipes in case it happened at school.

Mainly the not to freak when they ask a question but to give them the correct info. My best friend was telling me how her daughter had asked about anal sex and just told her matter of fact what it was etc. She freaked later when she was on the phone to me

Previous posters advice very sound, especially whatifihadneverbothered's bit.

my dad taught me all the humane emotional stuff. my mum is still a bit self centred but goes so far as to admit that she preferred me and my siblings as babies and very young children...this is as far as she will go with taking the rap for anything lacking in our upbringing(emotionally that is). ie it was OUR fault for growing up!!

"more haste less speed" was one of her sayings...think about it. she was right and annoyingly it always pops up in my head when i'm rushing something.

well, she did teach me how to cook and bake really well, (hmmm). but i don't ever remember her teaching me the really important stuff-periods, boys etc. she was quite uptight about stupid things-and still is-i asked my dc which one of two t shirts he wanted to wear the other day(he's 3) and she shouted at me that that's where modern mothers go wrong-too much choice!!! just tell him what to wear ...and so on...!!

yes, mother's are great on the whole, but not the be all and end all!! -ooh, except for all of us of course, we're bloody great

I think answering questions factually, without a drama or a judgement, even if it's highly embarassing. Questions about sex and relationships, particularly.

Tell the truth, say sorry and if you've made a mistake, admit it.

There's no shame in being wrong. Only being silly enough not to acknowledge it.

When we had done a mean thing as children, my mother used to say and how would you feel if that was done to you? and I reckon we still hear her saying it in our ears when we aren't being as honourable as we might be.

Except for the bras and pads stuff (which I will steal for my DD!) a lot of this advice is relevant for boys as well.

Well my mum tried to teach me to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. I always remember the last even if I sometimes have trouble with the first. I will never go to bed on an argument.

I also, as my mum does, give a kiss and a cuddle and say that I love them when I say goodbye to any of my close family.

She was always honest and open about sex, period and changing bodies. She taught me not to be ashamed of my body or anything it does.

I wish she had taught me more about household stuff though. She phones me asking how to get curry out of shirts (mix bicarb and water into a paste, mum ) and whats the best way to roast a joint of beef. I don't mind but sometimes it feels like I went to uni to learn how to cook and clean properly rather than get a degree.