There are so many things I had to find out for myself as I never had a mum - periods, sex, toiletries, how and when to get a bra etc etc etc

[coventgarden]

What did your mum teach you that you benefitted from knowing and what do I need to teach my dd?

My Mum is a gem, really good at the unconditional love stuff. Not to be underestimated.

The big thing I noticed when dd was born was that I suddenly had my Mum's soft, soothing tone of voice.

Anyway, these are some of the things I remember her saying.

"No man ever left a woman for not doing the housework."

"Never chase a man."

"I dont apologise - if I do something wrong it's because I mean it." I love that one.

I guess she taught me to expect to be treated well.

Whoo, I love yama's mum!!

Mine was shite at most things, and great at some too. One important factor was that she answered questions about sex & stuff accurately and age-appropriately. I fell around in hysterics when I found out my school friends thought they'd come from under bushes/in a bird's beak! (Naturally, they thought I was lying - which put our teacher in an interesting position ) You can get really helpful books for all that now.

Once I passed puberty, she started answering my questions in a more emotional way, with 'moral' overtones, which was extremely unhelpful.

She bought me a pack of mini Lil-Lets, read through the leaflet with me and advised me to take my time, it's worth getting the hang of it

She forgot to tell me about pubic hairs and made an absolutely awful comment when I told her I'd started growing them & thought I was turning into a man!

She took me to buy a bra way too early. It fitted wrong and made me look stupid. A school friend's mum phoned her with better advice, after which we went to get a proper teen bra

She battled my dad to let me go out in a fashionable dress - I was v.v.grateful for that!

She bought me my first moisturiser at 13. It got me into a habit that has paid off, over the decades.

Most helpful of all, perhaps: my parents got me subscriptions to girls' magazines. I started out with Bunty & Judy comics (anyone else remember those?) then moved on to teenage mags, which should never be underestimated as a source of wisdom on all things girlish

Have fun!

My mother taught me very nearly everything I know. One of the very many lessons I learnt from her was about not being afraid to stand up for what you believed in. Oh, and how to do a hospital corner on a bed with a flat sheet, although I seem to have lost the ability after years of using fitted and probably need a refresher lesson.

My Mum was rubbish at all this stuff. Periods she was good at (she's a Dr) but she was awful at all the hair removal, bras, taking care of your appearance stuff. Most of it I found out from friends and just got on with it. She still has a strange attitude about me wanting to look nice 'oh I don't know why you bother, I hate all that stuff'. Which she does, but she still wants to look ok.

Gah there is too much to dig up here, can't do it.

Anyway - if I have a daughter, and actually with DS anyway I am planning to be the kind of parent that is approachable and don't make sarcastic and judgemental comments when my children want to talk to me about all these things.

Lovely thread ....

When my children are mean to each other, or hurt them, I ask if they would like it done to them, they say no, but they don't get what I am trying to say as two minutes later they are fighting again. I will keep trying though.

This is a lovely thread. But I've been thinking about it all night and I can't think of one thing that my mother taught me, apart from in a negative way. I can't believe that there is not one single thing.

i have a mum. She taught me nothing being a total narcissist control freak.
Still having serious issues with her/that.

I am hoping to teach my daughter two things. If i do these i will be happy.

1. dont do anything that YOU dont want to do.
2. do what ever you like, but stay SAFE.

Out of everything, i want her to be able to just be. Free to be whatever she wants, say what she wants, do what she wants.

i dont want her to feel she has to behave certain ways, or that this is right and this is wrong. You only get one life and i bloody well want her to enjoy it - and sometimes that means a little of the bad things

hence the my two rules.

But there must be something - maybe I just can't think of it!

Self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem

be happy in your skin, have the courage and conviction to believe in yourself and what you want. Be aware of your body. Know how to say no and know that your opinion is as valid as everyone else's. Above all - respect yourself and clean up behind you!

I think the biggest thing my mum taught me was to be loving, tactile and affectionate with those I love. I am extremely touchy-feely with my DCs and even still with my own mother, we still have wonderful long cuddles and I have no shame about kissing her nor she me. I think learning how to touch and be touched has been an extrmely important relationship skill, especially as I am a naturally shy and reserved person. I also never put the phone down or say goodbye to any of my family without telling them I love them.

She also taught me to be determined and not give up just because something seems impossible or is too hard. I don't mean in a cheesey 'all your dreams can come true' kind of way, but she's always encouraged me when I've lost faith in myself, and taught me that there is usually always a solution, even if it means changing your path or expectations.

My mum taught me lots of things, mostly already covered here but two things that really stick are:

1. If he really loves you, he'll wait; and

1. Sometimes love isn't the all singing, all dancing fireworks and soaring violins you get in the movies. Sometimes it sneeks in quietly through the back door and that mate you've always had might just turn out to be the one.

She also taught me that mistakes are there to be made. I never knew how much they hated one particular boyfriend until it was all over. My parents bit their tongues throughout the relationship and then calmly picked up the pieces at the end.

Erm.... how to cook. She was good at the practical stuff. Not much else bless her. She wasn't that hot on emotional stuff - at least she was in the sense that she was quite emotional but not good at teaching about emotions.

She taught me to be shy and nervous and worried about what people thought. It took me years to unlearn those lessons.

She wasn't that good at girly stuff like make-up and bras etc having not much time for it herself. So that was mostly self-taught (and badly I suspect)

But she did teach me how to cook and bake, and garden, and shear and worm sheep, look after chucks and bees and spin wool. Which hasn't been all that useful as yet

I have a DS and all this advice makes me want to have a daughter!

It's a lovely thread!

My mum has taught me how to spot a good bargain and how to spend too much.

We should do dads sometime too

I guess the most important were things like:

1. Don't ever marry for anything but love, it doesn't matter if he's poor as a church mouse if you're happy.

1. Treat others as you wish to be treated.

1. Get the boring stuff out of the way and then you can relax and enjoy yourself.

1. Have a go at things and see if you like them.

1. It actually probably isn't a great idea to be the school bike as people will remember this and judge you.

She said she always planned to teach me to stand up for myself, but actually didn't need to, as I just did it by myself.

The most important thing my Mum taught me was that I will always be there for my children, no matter what.

And she taught me that by being the mum who runs away from her children when they're hurting.

She still does it. Even now.

Starts giggling

My mum had four daughters and nine granddaughters and still couldn't say the word "period" without hissing like some demented bloody snake and peering over her shoulder to check there wasn't anyone else within a 500 yard radius.

If she'd had her way, we'd have gone to our graves knowing nothing. She was hopeless. We worked it out for ourselves.

I've just thought of one more thing my lovely mum taught my DB's and myself, if we had pop, or cake one of us got to pour/cut etc, but the other got to choose first. I also have this rule in my house, it taught us to share properly, and stopped any arguments.

You will always love her [No Matter What]
She is beautiful inside and out.
She is unique-no one else in the world is just like her.
Being a girl is great.
She can tell you anything and you wont judge her.
As for periods-my mum bought me a little plastic make-up case when I was 10.she put pads and a pair of clean knickers in there and told me to keep it in my school bag in case I needed it.She also told me what periods were and not to be afraid.
She told me that being a mum was the best thing ever.
I did all those things for my daughter[who has 2 boys].
Thank you mum.
I miss her so much.

My mother was useless and when I started having sex with my boyf (now DH of 14 years and lover no 2) She called me all the names under the sun.

Made it out to be worng and dirty, yet she slept around big time after her and my dad split up.

I was bullied at school for not having required pe kit, hairy legs ect..

I don't have a relationship with my mother, she wasn't much of one to me.

I'm really enjoying this thread and it's particularly relevant to me at the moment as I am expecting my own DD this year.

Now that I think about it, I'm more or less in malinkey's boat. I love my mother, but I can't really think of anything she taught me that I would be desperate to remember in order to pass on. She was great at the every day childrearing, but she wasn't and isn't really one for emotional conversations. She hugged us a lot and took us to out of school clubs and the like, but I would not regard her as emotionally open (which is actually a bit upsetting to think, as it's nothing I've thought about in depth before :(). I was terrified when I started my periods. I knew what was happening, but my family did not talk about issues down there so I was embarrassed (and did actually cry) when it came to telling my mum it had started. I don't talk to her about relationships, but that said, if I needed to, I'm sure she wouldn't turn me away, I just would not feel comfortable speaking to her about that stuff. But I know she won't be short of hugs for my DD when she arrives, and she will care for her impeccably on a practical basis.

My only advice, OP, would be to make yourself available for your DD, no matter what she wants to talk about and no matter how uncomfortable you may be talking about it. This is my plan and I suppose in a way, this is something my mum inadvertantly taught me.

I cannot remember ever having a meaningful conversation with my mother.
I do remember her telling the nextdoor neighbourthat nobody would marry me as I wasn't at all attractive (harsh words when you're 14)
So I try and be a nice mum to dd and tell her how beautiful she is, and how I am proud of her.