Apologies at the length of this but I?ve had 16 years of cr@p from my MIL/ILs and it?s only in the last few years I?ve started trying to make sense of it!
I think the root of the problems with my MIL, is that she's a woman who is deeply dissatisfied with life. She lived in the shadow of an older sister and my MIL thought that by getting married and having children, she'd be an equal to her and would just simply be noticed and exist. So she married the first bloke who showed an interest in her and he's a selfish bully who thinks the world should revolve around him and as long as it's doing that, he's happy. MIL, over the 50 years that they've been married, let FIL have the last word on everything, from the state of their house (falling down around their ears to the point that it's dangerous) to who their friends are (very few of those after all, who needs friends when your Son will always fill the gap and provide your social life?) and how much contact they have with them (not much.) If FIL's not happy with someone/something, it's MIL that will throw a hissy fit and does his 'dirty work' (and she's admitted to doing that as well!)
So my DH was brought up to be everything his father wasn?t and almost like a '2nd husband' for MIL. My DH has a more exciting job, more money, learnt to drive (both ILs don't drive) etc, than FIL ever did and when DH moved into his first house (before he met me), it was like a 2nd home for the ILs and MIL was 'the wife.' Even though the house came fully furnished (the family selling it were emigrating to Australia and couldn't take anything with them) and came with a washing machine/ironing board, MIL still did DH's washing at her house. DH never used that machine! So there was no way she was going to let another woman take her place and looking back to the day we told them we were getting engaged in 1995, it's no surprise that it was met with a stony silence followed by a tantrum a few days later. And that set the pattern for the next 11 years. I was never supposed to come first and if there was ever the danger of DH doing that, I was accused of trying to split up the family. So over the last 16 years, I've had tantrums, abuse over the phone and been ignored. I sucked it all up and played at 'happy families' after all their tantrums, with no apology from them and a husband that expected me to put up with it ~ he's never stood up to his parents and actually said to me 3 years ago that, 'husbands and wives don't stick up for each other if it was going to upset family.' What were DDs and I to him then?! From the moment he said that, I quit visiting (no loss to me because when I did visit, I spent hours sitting by myself in their lounge, while they all sat in another room anyway!) The ironic thing is that 15 years on from the tantrum she threw when we got engaged, MIL has actually got what she always wanted; her Son now visits alone.
I think when it comes to being a MIL, we have to realise that our children grow up and yes, we might feel a pang of sadness and shed a few tears because they seem to have grown up so fast but if you let them 'spread their wings' and are capable of finding your own hobbies/ways to fill the gap, then you'll be fine. But if you behave like a spurned lover (like my MIL did/does) and treat your SonIL/DIL like ?devils spawn? just because they came along and married your Son/DD, then you will lose out eventually. My MIL/ILs will now spend the rest of their days having their Son visit by himself~ DDs and I don't visit. Even when the ILs celebrated their Golden Wedding anniversary earlier this year with a dinner at a restaurant, DDs and I weren?t there. DD1 (11 years old) has seen the rows DH and I have had about his parents treatment of me and she hates them; that's just a part of the damage they've done. The biggest damage has been to my marriage because I can honestly say that if I knew 16 years ago what I was getting into, I would have run a mile and left DH to the relationship he had with his parents!
For my ILs, old age won't be pleasant for them. Whereas 'normal' ILs/ grandparents get their old age eased with visits from family, my ILs will have nothing because they?ve driven everyone away who could have helped them. So apologies once again for the length but I hope it gives an insight into what I think are behind the problems I've had. I guess it really shows what the end result can be if you do treat the partners of your children in a lousy way!