What is this thing with mothers-in-law?

[MoJangles]

It's such a cliché! I don't like my MIL. But why do her little foibles drive me mad? My MIL isn't perfect - but then neither are lots of people (certainly not me!) and they don't set my teeth on edge. She's not a monster - but I have to force myself to give her any credit. This is preying on my mind for two reasons:

1. Baby due in November, PIL's first grandchild so lots of excitement. I'm already worrying about doing permanent damage to family harmony if I don't handle her total lack of boundaries expectations sensitively.

1. We've just found out that baby is a boy - which means that there's a chance that I'll be a MIL to a resentful DIL someday.

I'm sure it?s far too much of a coincidence that this happens over and over again between MIL and DIL for it just to be personality clashes. I'd really like to understand all this more - and hopefully deal with it better too. Anyone with any info or ideas about MIL/DIL ishooos - or tips for coping - please tell me!

I get on really really well with my MIL - I married into a family where there are 3 brothers and one sister.

I didn't marry favourite son I married the baby. And I think this is why we get on - my SIL who is married to favourite son always complains about my MIL and things she does.

I have looked out for things that my SIL has mentioned and never experienced any of this from my MIL. I love both my SIL and my MIL but I can see where tensions arise when things are over analysed and picked apart and too much read in to it.

After a family event my SIL will phone me and say did you see what she did today - and honestly I can't.

My MIL on the otherhand has never said anything bad about my SIL - after middle son got divorced the only thing she ever said bad about the ex-DIL was I tried not to interfer as I didn't want ex-DIL to use me as one of the excuse for ending the relationship.

I have major problems with my MIL. When I started to go out wth DH she tried to cause trouble constantly, I almost feel she was trying to intimidate me. Unfortunately for her I was already 25 and took no shit form anybody. DH remarked that nobody had ever stood up to her. She always got her own way because if she didn't she made peoples life a misery.

The oddest thing is DH has never been close to her but in her mind he was the most devoted son ever.

I'm lucky that DH has always stood up for me and took my side.

She isn't nasty because she's a MIL, she was always a nasty person.

Best tip is to stand your ground early

I'm a mum to two ds's aged 19 and 21, and my eldest has a dd aged 1.

It's hard!! My dil is lovely, but at the end of the day ds is my first born and in my eyes is still my baby lol. I adore my gd!! I have a 4yr old dd of my own, and thought I wouldn't love my gd as much as dd.....but I do, it's the same kind of unconditional love.

I think it will be different when dd is grown up and has children, but as the fathers mum, I'm kind of 2nd in the nicest possible way. If dil has a prob or needs advice, she turns to her mum, which is only natural. If they go out, dils mum babysits...... things like that. It can leave you feeling very left out at times, so I do make an effort to see them all, but not be a harassing mil!! I'm quite young (39) so I hope I'm succeeding.

I don't doubt that some mil's are totally unbearable, and think they need to barge in and take control etc...... but it's hard to reach a happy medium.

HTH's!

I love my MIL, we just "click" though of course things each of us do drive the other a bit potty from time to time, but mostly we have a super relationship.

I trust her implicitly and without question with the children, which for me is at the crux of our lives and she knows I do so we have a firm basis to start from. Very open, honest and fun and the utmost respect for each other.

However her other DIL and her just utterly despise each other. They have stand up rows that go on for hours, even days sometimes and can barely suffer each other. I have never witnessed one of their full on "show downs" but I can barely imagine how difficult it must be for them both, since both are at fault in that relationship, I am sure of it. It is a constant battle between them. I am so relieved it's not me, though I don't wish it on either MIL or SIL either as I really like both of them separately, just not together! Just read forehead's post and that almost could be a description of their non-relationship....

Must be very stressful.

My own mother grates on my nerves as much as my MIL but it might be a similar cause as I wasn't brought up by my mother (was raised by my father alone) so it's like both try to occupy a pseudo-maternal position in my life, which I find intolerable as I'm not used to being the daughter in either relationship.

Wondering of this is part of the issue with MILs in general?

Unfortunately, MIL and I are also very different and find it understand where the other one is coming from. I'm ashamed to say I don't have much respect for her views on many things and have to battle to not show that.

Annoyingly, I really liked my ex-DP's mother - perfect MIL material!

Honestly?
I think it is a two way street.
I think if there was a MILnet they would be able to write an equal weight of posts about inconsiderate terratorial DILs.

The thing is that as your son becomes a man the relationship changes. The teenage angst creates a distance in the relationship - it is still as loving but a young man needs privacy and independence and yet when he stands in front of you he is still just your son.
when a girlfriend enters the mix that equally changes things. It just does.
Watching your son engage with you in a slightly less natural way when it is still your home is weird. If they then do things you know they don't enjoy, or get upset , or are being manipulated - that gets tough too.

It may be hard to imagine but when your son is a man and standing in front of you 6 ft tall and independent he will still create within you all the loving and protective urges you feel when he is 3.

Now rationally you have to recogmise that, laugh at your own foolishness and respect all his choices.
You also have to be aware that whilst the woman he loves is his primary relationship , she will still feel a little like non-family - even if you really like or even love her.

It is hard. It is everything I want for my son. A loving wife and a family of his own. But to pretend that you cheerily wave off your darling boy without having to adjust and accept that the boy that was your every thought, every care, every attention for all those years is now someone who won't appreciate your calling when he and his wife are having a lie in must be quite an adjustment.

I have a great relationship with my son. I want him to have a happy life and will do everything I can to add to that which includes hopefully loving and supporting the woman he chooses as his wife or partner. I like his girlfriend enormously so that bodes well for the future . But it is hard. It is a change in relationship away from you and it is important not to feel that as distance - but it can if you are not careful. You have to work at it, be aware of it and sometimes stifle your instincts by saying 'not my business, his choice, his life' . But changing your maternal reactions does take a little effort.

I am going to loiter around here until I am quite an old crock and I am just dying to watch the women who adore their sons and think their MILs are horrid navigate this whole situation when their boys leave them.

If you can't respect the deep love your MIL felt for her son and be at least a little tactfull then I think you are the very person who then becomes a terrible MIL

Managing these relationships is all about empathy. If you can't muster empathy for your MIL I suspect you will struggle with your DIL

oop - I do have to add that of course there are just awful MILs full stop.

I have read many threads on here where the behaviour is just AWFUL. But that is true of mothers too.

But I am not trying to negate the experiences of those on here with terrible MILs - just the whiney 'my MILs phones everyday - why can't she leave us alone' ones

Mamadoc - totally get the whole 'on his side' thing. When dh and I are with my family the main activity is teasing and laughing at me (in a nice way)! I could never imagine it being like that when we are with his family!

I guess that part of the problem is that one can't choose one's family...with your own parents, you get used to being around them, even if you are on a different wavelength, and it's easier to ignore/answer back parents if you have had practice in your teenage years.

If the PIL are annoying, it's not the same - first of all, you resent spending time with them, because they are not even your responsibility, and secondly, you feel as though you have to bite your tongue for your DH sake.

From their point of view, the MIL has exactly the same biological relationship with the child as your mother, yet doesn't have the relationship with you to get as 'close' to the pregnancy and the baby.

Also, many people are 'problem solvers', and will automatically offer 'advice' if they see your baby not sleeping/eating etc, and there is probably always something going on with a baby. They forget that their advice might be 35 years out of date, and see it as 'common sense' in the same way that we take a lot of stuff today for granted as common sense.

I don't have a baby yet (I am pregnant), and live far away from both sets of parents, but I am sure they will do my nut with well meaning comments , but I hope to just say "well, you know what it's like - they change the guidance every five minutes, we'll probably come full circle one day!" - this might appeal to MIL who is a teacher, and knows well that stuff goes round in circles, and 'new' techniques in the classroom have been seen before a few times in her career.

I don't expect much aggro, as neither set of parents judge our choices too much, but we all have an opinion on child-rearing...I was quite surprised that my step-mum was constantly commenting 'oooh she's having a tantrum!" and looking shocked when we were visiting friends with a 2.5 year old . I had to laugh - that's what a lot of 2.5 year olds do, and as far as I am concerned it's a normal part of development...not an issue of parenting. The parents dealt with tantrums really well...she just seemed shocked that the child should be having a tantrum...as though it was a sign of naughtiness, rather than a normal expression of frustration/annoyance that the child hasn't yet developed the skills to understand or manage!

When we have ours,I want them to understand that as this is our first child, we are finding our own way of being parents, taking on board all the current advice, adding a dollop of common sense and 'anything for an easy life', and finding what works best for us. I hope they all have strong relationships, and we can send kids off to visit them when a bit older, and when they are older, I don't want to be dictating how GPs care for them whilst looking after them on holiday anyway.

Massive post - you can tell I have read a lot of MN for someone who doesn't have kids...I suppose TTC for many years gives you a lot of time to crystallize what you think you will do when you have nippers

Does it seem to be that those who don´t get on with MIL didn´t from day 1, or didn´t from having children?

How many who don´t get on with MIL are married to a guy who was an only child or only had brothers?

(Just curious, not ulterior motives here!)

I´m married to an only child.
I´m def. not who she would have chosen for him.

I would say things weren´t too bad at first but deteriorated after children tbh.

I have two MILs, one is a step and worse than the other!

It's simple: woman against woman competition. Nobody gives a toss if their FIL or BIL doesn't help out at a party, or says a daft comment about childcare, but if it comes from the mouth of a MIL or SIL then it's daggers time.

The thing I always think is that a) these DILs will all be MILs one day, and will be on the other end of it and b) surely all these appalling MILs statistically must have as many daughters as sons - so your own lovely mum is somebody else's hated, dreaded and loathed MIL.

My own MIL is absolutely lovely and is welcome to give her opinion - I can't imagine having a person in my life who wasn't comfortable with giving their opinion, god knows I'm free enough with mine (as are most posters here - but somehow they hate when others do it!).

If I can say to my MIL, 'come on Doreen you don't want to do it like that' about some technology issue or whetever, in a smiley way of course, then why do I have the right to fly into a rage if she says 'have you tried doing it like this?' re my pregnancy?

I wouldn't even consider it.

I have to say my own MIL has never really said anything out of order to me, she's generally a lovely lady. However when it comes to situations like Weddings or the birth of a baby I think all members of the extended family should hold back on the advice and try to fit in with what the bride & groom/new parents want.

I'm not sure it is as simple as that Morris, I think that society has pretty low expectations of men when in comes to issues around children/domestic tasks etc, so any comments they pass are dismissed as just a case of them being silly clueless men who don't know which end of a baby to put a nappy on. (cf. every advert for domestic products ever made)

I think probably DILs think that MILS should know what it's like to be on the receiving end of this stuff, having been there themselves, and hence the frustration...in addition to many other points made over the years.

LOL @ pagwatch 'won't appreciate you calling when he and his wife are having a lie in'. My MIL did this on a weekly basis the 1st year we were married every Sat 9am! And he always answered it!! I had to ask him to take it up with her in the end and to be fair she stopped doing it. Wouldn't matter at all now we have DD and lie ins are a long forgotten pleasure.

DH was always close to his mum and I didn't want to stop that but I did want to be his most important confidante. He used to tell her stuff he hadn't even told me if she had happened to call and I got back from work late and I really did get offended by that. We talked about it and he stopped doing it. If you've been used to being your boys no.1 it is going to be hard to let some other woman fulfil that role but really you have to don't you?

In our case MIL is divorced and DH is the eldest of her 4 kids and I honestly think he was a bit of a surrogate husband to her. He still gets calls 'will you tell your brother to do x he won't listen to me'.

I think the problems come in where MIL is not prepared to see they need to step back a bit or where DIL wants them out of his life completely. Usually the person who can best solve it is DH. He needs to be the one telling his mother to back off a bit rather than the wife. My relationship with MIL has improved over time and although she still calls rather more frequently than my family she is now quite happy to bore either of us with her marital/ health/ financial woes!

Its not just MIL'S its FIL'S too. Mine is insanely jealous of me because I have his son. It has got so bad, I havent spoken to him properly for about 3 years DH goes to see him on his own.

I think it is just jealousy on their part and we rise to it. Well some of us (me).

See, I don't think I'd have any problems with MIL if she could have an opinion that remained consistent. I don't care if she has a different opinion to me, we're different people, I get that. What annoys me is that one week what I do is perfect, next week I'm evil for it .

I constantly feel I'm treading on eggshells with her and have to justify everything.

She chooses her opinions based on whether she prefers dh & me or BIL & his wife at any particular moment.

She also has 'double standards'. She can say anything to me, however rude it might be, but if I or dh says anything to her the waterworks start and we're being nasty.

mamadoc

and LOL at she is happy to bore wither of you. The definition of a perfect MIL relationship

and God yes, of course you have to become a much more minor relationship!

It is the way things should be, the way they ought to be.

I am just trying to say that whilst it is the way things should be and we know it is the means by which our sons become happy and develop a strong happy marriage/family, it is a little bit of a goodbye.
There is a sense of loss really.

It is like when they leave home. Just because it is the right thing, the thing you want for them, the thing you have taught them to be independent for, does not mean you don't miss them.

But we should suck up and master our own feelings because allowing them to be happy independent individuals with relationships that are strong and unaffected by our needs is our job

Yup, thats about right, my DH would defend his mother to the death, I have just accepted it as she is not so bad. FIL is a F.....ng nightmare. I hate hate hate him!!

Some of the things he has said and done are pure poison.

diddl in response to your question, MIL has 2 boys. We got on fine at first. Then IL's sent dh an email about me wanting to do a phd and how it would be bad for him and cost him money (it wouldn't have btw). Then the nail in the coffin was when we decided to carry on living up north. I can understand that MIL would have liked to be closer to her son but I also wish she could see that the reality was we couldn't afford to live down there when neither of us had managed to find a job down there.

Why is it different for mothers and daughters I wonder?
I can imagine it will be equally hard for me to accept being less important in my daughters life when she eventually gets married.
(I only have one DD)

Actually I suspect it isn't different at all which is why male comedians are famous for MIL jokes. So us smug mothers of girls will have to come to terms with being someone's MIL one day too. Its just that when the grandchildren arrive you do usually get to be grandmother no 1.

My ILs are both quiet-don´t really have any social skills-even my husband finds them hard work tbh.

So it was never going to be easy.

Butt there has been a habit of treating MIL with kid gloves even though she can treat people how she likes.

She very often makes things about her.

When we were 1st married we lived an hrs drive away.
They would only visit weekends-so as to see husband as well.
Now I get that, but I offered them the chance to see me & children once a week & just see husband for an hr or two when he came in from work-but no, they had to have the day with their son.

Not unreasonable you might say, but husband would have been more than happy with an hour or two!

Then when he first moved abroad I sold house & lived with parents for a few weeks.

They asked to see me & the children(just the three of us!!)

It wasn´t convenient at the time they wanted.
They didn´t suggest another time of ask again

So tbh that was sort of it for me-we´re not good enough without husband!

We are now abroad-they have never visited-that´s their way of "punishing" husband.

Of course, they have missed their only grandchildren growing up-but as long as they are making their point!!!

I don't know why it is different except that MIL and DIL are often occupying similar roles IYSWIM

I am one of 8 children. My mum had four boys and four girls.
She had fantastic relationships with all the SILs ( including my DH). She had a couple of really good relationships with DILs but a couple that were very difficult.
Perhaps more crossing of traditional territories? I did talk to my mum about it a few times. She said that when things were not easy with a DIL it always made her feel more vulnerable as DIL tends to have more 'power' re grandchildren if that makes sense. to be really simplistic about it - a pissed off DIL won't bring the kids over. A pissed off SIL is likely to mean that DDD brings over grandchildren and SIL stays at home.
I know it is not that simple but I am just trying to convey this concern she expressed - would DIL create barriers with the grandchildren.
Actually with one DIL that is exactly what happened and my mother did not see two of her granddaughters for 14 years. So I guess she had a point

Seems like we're not the only people wondering why this can be a difficult relationship. I found a couple of interesting articles. This one says: 'In-laws become rivals or competitors for the spouse?s attention. . . . In-laws may also be used to avoid intimacy within the couple. On the other hand, in-laws often greatly enrich family life, providing added support, friendship and guidance.'

this one analyses the relationship from quite a psychological perspective, and is full of interesting facts like 60% of MIL-DIL rels are tense, compared with 15% SIL-MIL rels.

Pagwatch, I think you're spot on - and I will try to see my MIL's stuff from this perspective.

Diddl my DH is one of 3 boys, and I'm the only DIL - one BIL is gay and the other is a loner so I'm likely to remain so... I think my MIL sees me as an opportunity to do girly stuff, which I would have thought I'd have welcomed, but as I don't enjoy her company I find it all a bit trying rather than a pleasure.

All these comments and thoughts have helped me exorcise a few issues that were taking up far too much room in my head. She doesn't want to lose her baby and her technique is to stay involved in our lives - I can understand and respect that. We have no personal bond and I will probably always think she's thick and annoying, and she will probably always think I'm distant and ungrateful, but hopefully if I give her a bit more she won't feel driven to push for too much (coming over to say hi to our friends because she's met them a couple of times).

I feel much better about the whole thing. You're all brilliant.