Is he cruel or am I just conceited? :-( WWYD?

[NotThisAgain]

I'm not a troll, but have name changed because I'm very recognisable on here.

I'm often here because I tend to choose the wrong kind of man for me.

I've been with someone new who was always nice to me, or so I thought. However, he seems to feel the need to keep dropping things about other women into the conversation. Details about other people he's slept with, and unkind things like his friend asked him why he 'left' his ex for me (which he didn't, actually). He likes to leave me with the impression that he is surrounded by other beautiful women who he could be with in a heart beat, for him I'm the best so he 'chooses' me.

So yesterday he did it again and I said to him that I think it's out of order for him to try to knock my confidence because all my other boyfriends considered me very attractive and didn't ever make me feel inadequate about this. When I said this he seemed to get annoyed and turned on me saying who do I think I am, there are plenty more women in the world who look better than I do......including Shakira for example

Surely this is not a normal way to behave? I don't think I'm conceited but I was trying to stick up for myself because I don't like to be made to feel inadequate.

Now I just feel bloody confused

loving expat's advice here.

Yes yes, expat is spot on!

"including Shakira"

he's obviously a massive twat, leave him.

It's just occurred to me that he used to compliment me all the time on my appearance but that now he hardly ever does and has started saying these things so he's obviously moved into a different phase of the relationship.

ie - a dysfunctional approach

Get off here and get on to dumping this dicksmack.

I'm a guy NTA, he's a fucking div, chuck him.

Dicksmack, I like it.

Thanks again for replies. I find it really hard ending things. There are things about him that I will miss. I suppose I will have to find ways to distract myself. He's treating me badly and he will chip all of my confidence away if I don't take action.

Do it do it, then come back and tell us you've done it.

You think I should do it by text?

Presumably you're not going to see him again, so why not practise being more assertive when you dump him? Custardo's got the tone and attitude exactly right in her earlier post. If you want to do it by text, and not face to face, fine.

I've got his coat which he lent me and he also has some of my stuff.

Dump him, he'll slowly destroy your self esteem otherwise. I've dated guys like him, it's never ended well. When I first started dating my DH I realised three months in that he'd not once made a negative comment about me and that if I tried to knock myself he wouldn't let me. Now that we're married DH tells me that I'm the most wonderful/ most beautiful/ sexiest woman he's ever met. The difference of having a lovely guy in your life is amazing.

Hold out for someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

LOL at dicksmack. New word for vocabulary list.

Well done for spotting the red flag NTA.

Good for you that the alarm bell is ringing. Just end it, he isn't worth your time. Have a friend around when you exchange belongings (neutral place if possible). If he refuses to give your things back you may have to write them off, but at least you'll be free of him.
(and he'll be free to get together with Shakira!) [grin}

Most delighted to hear you've spotted this twat for what he is. Well done, you

The real reason why I've hardly seen any action for the last 7 years? Because every man I dated said something along the lines of "You're getting on a bit, you'd better appreciate me coz I'm your last chance."
None of them seemed to realise what that said about THEM! "You're scraping the barrel, Grace, and I'm the dregs." Cheers, mate, I'll find my own way from here

"He likes to leave me with the impression that he is surrounded by other beautiful women who he could be with in a heart beat"

Eew I bet he's one of these creeps who tries to chat pretty women up in the kitchen at work and just because they don't go 'oh do fuck off' and just smile politely instead that he's in with a chance.

Fuck the stuff. Tell him to drop it off at your work at the reception desk or post it. Post him the coat and be done.

Why on Earth do you want to prolong things with such an unbelievable tube steak?

Yes, dump him by text.

Tell him, 'U an me r finit cuz ur n arse. Don call me. Coat n post.'

The block his book ass.

It's lovely being with someone who thinks that they are lucky to have you (when you think that you are lucky to have them) and that you are the absolute and utter NUTS.

Life is hard enough. Don't bring it on yourself. Send him Shakira's email address and tell him to have a go - presume he isn't actually Rafael Nadal?

He wants you to feel bad about yourself and come to feel that only he would have you.

I do hope you call it a day, because if you don't, he will grind you down until you start believing him.

He wants you weak and grateful. Run.

A man you are with should make you feel like you are the most beautiful girl in the world and should always make you feel special. I know I am not attractive but dh tells me I am very pretty.

You know, I think I'm going to just turn my phone off. I'm afraid he's going to come to my house and I don't want that. He's sent me a text saying he hopes he hasn't upset me - he wants to explain the reason why he said what he said.

I agree with what you all say. I've never been with a man who takes this angle but did have a physically abusive one recently. He says he loves me and I'm the best to him but then, what he said contradicted that. People who love you wouldn't want to say spiteful things. But he acted like I deserved the comment. I've ended up feeling that I deserve to be told I shouldn't be sure of myself because the truth is I'm not that special.

If you just turn your phone off, you aren't dealing with the problem.

You are allowed to just say to him "I don't want to see you any more. Don't call me again." you know. You don't need his agreement, permission or understanding to say "this is not working for me, I don't want to see you again."

Be assertive.

No doubt he realises he has gone too fast in his annihilation of your self-confidence and that he should have taken it more slowly. So he'll want to convince you that he meant well, that he was actually looking out for you, that he was acting in your best interests (and that you can't trust your own judgement and assessment of the situation).

He will then continue to grind you down.

" well if you can get shakira, love you go right ahead, but i want a fella who thinks i am the greatest everything. who likes me so much he wouldn't dream of hurting my feelings. You have the compunction to hurt my feelings, and i think that is strange considering we are on a date. Thank you for your time...here is half the bill money, you will excuse me" ...and leave

Custardo's response is spot on here (as usual!)