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Original poster

Do you think you will be alone for ever?

70 replies

shimmerysilverglitter · 24/07/2010 13:39

Just wondering really.

I have been married twice, first one, we were far too young, second one, he was abusive.

I have two amazing dc. For various reason though I am pretty convinced I will be alone forever. I am nearly forty, don't get much (ever!) and to be honest I don't feel I am much of a catch, also find it hard to make friends. I am forty, on benefits (studying with OU though), completely financially insecure and quite honestly don't think I could every truly trust a man again after all I have been through.

I accept all this and do what Ihave to do and I don't really buy into the you have to be with someone to be happy kind of thing. I like my own company and do lots of stuff alone.

Just every now and then I feel a bit sad that this is how it all turned out but more that it has all been such a disaster (apart from gorgeous dc). I worry that my dc are too much my life iyswim. One day they will go and lead their own lives. I am quite old to consider a new career and it is not possible at the moment anyway because one of my dc has SN. I will just be a lonely, sad middle aged woman. I do feel scared about that.

Sorry to ramble on, just wondered if anyone else ever felt like this?

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 24/07/2010 13:46

Oh I bloody HOPE so! When this idiot finally does the decent thing and pisses off, I'll be delighted to be on my flaming own.

I worry about what will happen long term, I only have the one, and when he leaves home (He's 4, so not for a while yet) I worry that I'll have nothing to do... but I'll try and gear my life in the meantime to be fulfilling and joyous.

Life is what you make it. Look for whatever it is that makes you happy and brings you joy. who knows maybe you could find a way to study when DD is a bit older. Don't give up.

The only thing sadder than than being a lonely, sad middle aged woman is allowing yourself to be one!

You are doing all you can at the moment, you are making huge efforts to make things better, all of this will bear fruit in time, don't give up!!

Chil1234 · 24/07/2010 16:16

I occasionally feel the way you do... especially the part about your child/children being too big a part of my life. My tactic so far has been to try to keep myself in shape physically and be as sociable & outgoing as I can afford to be with time or finances. However, you get over forty and single men don't seem to be standing on every street corner! (Married men are but that's a different story ;)) Every so often I think I'll go speed dating or something equally rash but that's the point at which I realise I'm not that worried about a lonely future just yet.

FWIW a change of career is also on my radar. Relocation, new job and pastures new seems very appealing. It's only too late when they're nailing down the coffin lid. Keep smiling...

whatifihadneverbothered · 24/07/2010 16:34

I can totally understand what you are saying, my DS's are much older 19 and 13, i just throw myself into work now, especially as I'm just over 40.

I often feel sad how my life has panned out, I really do believe that I will be on my own, and I have to make the best of it, that's why MN is a bloody wonderful place, everyone picks you up when your feeling down, and when I read some of the horror stories on here I often think that I'm the lucky one, even if I am lonely most of the time.

jeminthecellar · 24/07/2010 16:38

I sort of know hoe you feel...am wondering the same.

MyDP left me around a month ago....although we lived 'seperately' for months beforehand.

Thing is..where to meet someone?
Am actually not bothered at the moment, but I know I will want to at sometime meet someone!!

So...I do wonder if I will ever meet anyone again....

jeminthecellar · 24/07/2010 16:39

sorry for typos, burnt finger and lack of checking

Ewe · 24/07/2010 16:42

I feel like this, even though I kinda have a dp at the moment it's complicated and will never work long term.

Logically my brain says I am only 23 of course I will meet someone. I just feel like I am going to be alone forever.

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 24/07/2010 17:00

23!!!

I actually felt like that too at that age though, I was already married and divorced by then. Went on to live with two more and marry another, none of which worked out but ended up with two amazing dc so I know I am very, very lucky. I think you have a few good years left in you yet Ewe .

OP posts:
maristella · 24/07/2010 17:00

yes, i think there's a strong chance i will be alone forever.
that's highly preferable to spending my days with an abusive bastard who doesn't deserve an hour of my time. BUT i am saddened by the fact that my experiences leave me feeling safer on my own. i feel kind of saddened by the fact that i do not know how to trust any more.
i would love to meet a man who enhances mine and Ds' life, but until/unless i do, i will remain single

Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 24/07/2010 17:03

whatif My kids are still very young so I am kept very busy but the problem is by the time they don't need me so much I really will be too old to pursue a new career. That is what is so scary, I worry I won't have a career to throw myself in to. The future apart from dc looks pretty grey sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
shimmerysilverglitter · 24/07/2010 17:07

Would have loved another child as well and I know that will never happen.

OP posts:
Ohthisisnthappening · 24/07/2010 17:21

I do wonder. It's only recently I've become 'not alone' after many years of singleness.

TBH I think I have too many issues with trust, with self confidence and with fear of being loved, to actually make it work out with anyone.

I have very low hopes of the current relationship for various reasons.

I am however quite resigned. I like being my own boss really.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/07/2010 17:21

Gosh, I only started going out with my first boyfriend when I was 23.

Well, I've got a decade on the OP (just over 50) but I certainly don't expect to be "alone for ever" - that sounds so, what shall we say, desperate? Whether I let a man into my life again is a different question. There is a huge gap between "alone" and "in a partnership". I have family, friends, pets and interests (and hopefully, one day, a job again), so I'm not only alone, I could do with some peace once in a while! Romance is relegated to "might be nice but can't be arsed to look for it".

Anniegetyourgun · 24/07/2010 17:22

not only not alone, I meant, of course.

persephonesnape · 24/07/2010 17:24

yes. I'm 42 and cantankerous! 3 DCs aged 15, 12 &10, split from their dad in 2000, spent a few years not dating seriously and then went out with a colleague for 6 years. split when he accused me of sleeping with my ex (as if) I have few friends, but the ones i have are very dear to me. i work full time, don't socialise very much - although children are getting older now and i am starting to think about going out without them more...I like being independent, but carry the occasional torch for someone and am too scared of rejection to do anything about it.

i've been single for around a year. think i settled in my last relationship out of boredom and lonliness and rebound - he was uncommunicative, didn't cherish me, didn't really like my kids...don't want to do that again, but if i live to 82... thats another 40 years on my own. i don't want that either...

valiumSingleton · 24/07/2010 17:32

Well, single yes, but I dont think that that means alone.

I think I will be single for the rest of my life because of the way the World around me works, not because I have low self-esteem. I value myself now!

I never met anybody who was right for me when I was in my 20s. Eventually at 30 I stumbled (to be conventional) into an abusive relationship with somebody who had no respect for me.

If I couldn't meet somebody who'd value me when I was in my 20s with no children I really don't think it's going to happen now that I'm older with kids and broke, but the difference now is I don't care.

Lots of names I recognise here from the NPD threads. Perhaps one good thing to come out of it is that we are not all 'needy' to meet somebody new?? The relief of being single is like the thrill of a new relationship on somebody else's scale!

valiumSingleton · 24/07/2010 17:36

ps, shimmery, I know what you mean though, as I sometimes have that exact same thought "hang on, is this really how my life turned out?"

I am your age with 1 child with sn too. But I feel I have time to sort it all out. I want to be able to enjoy an easy life for a while before it's all over tho

SolidGoldBrass · 24/07/2010 18:30

Yes, but that's the plan. I've managed to get to the age of 45 without ever living with a partner or being married and consider myself very lucky. I have a gorgeous DS and his father is very involved in his life, I have loads of friends who are free of the awful Noah's Ark mentality (everyone has to be two by two), and also enjoy my own company. What's not to like about that?

Chil1234 · 24/07/2010 18:39

I have to agree with SolidGoldBrass about the 'lucky' aspect. I remember my distant marriage with less than rose-coloured spectacles - very one-sided with me making all the effort. And other people's relationships fill me with horror... the things people put up with just to be in a couple. Never heard 'Noahs Ark' but it's very true.

I think it's taken me to the grand old age of 45 to really understand how I like to live and what I like to do. I'm a single parent and people say 'oh I really admire you for bringing up a child single-handed', but I generally have a fantastic time and - best of all - don't have to consult anyone! If I'd been this comfortable in my skin 20 years ago I would not have been so quick to hire the meringue and rush down the aisle!!

'Lucky' does it for me

Anniegetyourgun · 24/07/2010 18:43

You know I wonder, SGB, since you don't "do" monogamy yourself and sometimes (hope I'm not misrepresenting you) claim not to understand its appeal, how you manage to give such extremely good advice on maintaining it! I guess one thing you do "do" is empathy.

If you ever did feel tempted to give it a go, just to see what it's like, XH is available. That should cure you of all curiosity on the subject for ever after. A warning though, he won't touch you if you are fat and/or have short hair. Unlike me, he has standards.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/07/2010 20:28

Annie: I'm safe Am thoroughly chubby. ANd I have done monogamy in the past - enough times to work out that it didn't work for me.

pinemartina · 24/07/2010 20:55

Don't think I would ever want to share my living space with a man,however wonderful.Didn't live with xp,even when I "adored" him,before I realised what an abusive tosser he is.

But I would like to think I could meet a man who I felt that strongly about,but without the abuse and cxxp.

Most of my needs can be met through friendships and pleasing myself..

Would like "romantic" (?) love..sex...and shared stuff with a man one day,though.But great if he lived in his own place,not mine.

solo · 24/07/2010 21:05

I think I'm definitely going to be alone forever now...

Twice married, twice divorced, several serious relationships and 2 Dc's...

Yep! alone

valiumSingleton · 24/07/2010 21:29

The two by two in to the Ark Syndrome is a pain in the arse though isn't it!?

People can't just leave you alone to be happy. It's all "have you met anybody yet?".

And if I do ever meet somebody it'll be like every day before meeting that person was just leading up to that.

MavisGrind · 24/07/2010 21:41

I think I'll be on my own from here on in, have been for over a year now and rapidly approaching 40. Not too bothered about the state of affairs, I have 2 wonderful dc and I actually can't see the need to have another adult around.

Some people really do put up with nonsense for the sake of not being alone. I have yet to find anything that I am not capable of on my own. And I quite like that!

secretskillrelationships · 24/07/2010 22:46

I think I will be on my own for the foreseeable future too. Have reacted quite strongly to the 2 people who've asked if I've met anyone else (ex left nearly a year ago after over 20 years together). It was a real physical sense of horror at the idea! So clearly way too soon to even be considering it.

Intellectually, I can't see any way of squaring the circle: I wouldn't get serious about anyone who the DCs didn't get on with and I wouldn't introduce anyone to the DCs that I wasn't serious about.

Anyway, as I said, it's academic at the moment. But I do miss having someone to talk things through with, hugs, that masculine energy. Would really like the opportunity to flirt occasionally and feel like the sensual attractive woman that I once was is still around somewhere.