Do you think you will be alone for ever?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Just wondering really.

I have been married twice, first one, we were far too young, second one, he was abusive.

I have two amazing dc. For various reason though I am pretty convinced I will be alone forever. I am nearly forty, don't get much (ever!) and to be honest I don't feel I am much of a catch, also find it hard to make friends. I am forty, on benefits (studying with OU though), completely financially insecure and quite honestly don't think I could every truly trust a man again after all I have been through.

I accept all this and do what Ihave to do and I don't really buy into the you have to be with someone to be happy kind of thing. I like my own company and do lots of stuff alone.

Just every now and then I feel a bit sad that this is how it all turned out but more that it has all been such a disaster (apart from gorgeous dc). I worry that my dc are too much my life iyswim. One day they will go and lead their own lives. I am quite old to consider a new career and it is not possible at the moment anyway because one of my dc has SN. I will just be a lonely, sad middle aged woman. I do feel scared about that.

Sorry to ramble on, just wondered if anyone else ever felt like this?

My story is sadly fairly similar - My ex spent much of the last 4 years of our married life hooking up with women online. Added to a raging alcohol problem that he is still in denial about. I am so relieved to be out of that but the knowledge that I am in a much better place just now doesn't help on the bad days. The picnic tomorrow sounds good - It's always good to have something planned. I go back to work tomorrow after 3 weeks off - I'm hoping things will start to feel a bit easier then. Lots of work pressure, but less time to think about other stuff.
x

hippychicky - what is your favourite thing that you like doing? I am asking as you are sounding a little on the low side?

oh hippy chick hope you feel better and happier soon,and have a good day at work 2morrow
i cant believe how many guys do the internet stuff when they have lovely women and kids that love them right under their noses

i have felt lonely all week since we moved out but hey i have slept like the dead as i dont have to worry about who he is chatting up on line or texting so thats a def plus side ,

let us know your ok tomorrow lovey,x

Thanks for the messages. Things probably feel as bad now as they ever have. I am sure it is a similar pattern to many people - the initial horror of a marriage suddenly ending then the adrenalin rush to make sure evrything is sorted on a practical level, mixed with anger, then the slump when you start to think is this it? I am constantly fighting feelings of depression just now - walking the dog, going to the gym, trying to do fun stuff with the kids, sorting out the house, listening to self hypnosis CD's....It feels like I am clutching at straws. I wake up every morning with a feeling of dread and by the evening am counting the minutes until I can go to bed. As for my favourite thing I like doing - I am not sure just now.
However - it's a new day and I am heading off to work, I work with some really good people and I am hoping that the company will make me feel a bit better.
Thanks again
x

Hippy I had just posted on my usual thread about this very thing ie the novelty has worn off 7 months into being on my own with 2 dc and I feel sooo flat - the slump as you put it.

My exh left and went straight to ow and I am proud that I have coped fine on my own and know I will continue to do so.

Agree with comments about how many people just seem to exist together and actually maybe dont have the guts to do anything about , just like I was

Gradually the scales have fallen from my eyes and I know for certain my exh leaving me was the best thing to happen and well being on my own might be scary from various practical points of view but emotionally its fine.

I think how nice it would be to have male attention - flirtation compliments etc. Then I realise what else comes in the package and lose interest in the idea at once

I am 44 and until last 7 months have lived with a man 22 years straight and now I need to find out a bit more about me , get a job create a new future for myself as an individual . If someone came along who was going to ENHANCE my life maybe I could let them in but otherwise no thanks too much hard work for too little reward

Anyway thankyou everyone who posted on this thread I felt a bit and poor me this morning but I know I am not alone - none of us are on MN !!

Oh and btw check out lone parent thread thers one with a list of why I am happy as a single parent and theres nothing like refreshing the memory as to what we are NOT missing to bring a smile to the face

Yes, I'm 36 and can't quite see myself getting coupled up again. I miss a pair of warm male arms sometimes, but it's not a tragedy. I watch my "Golden Girls" DVDs and think that might be a rather nice way to live. No need to wash anyone else's dirty socks!

I know this sounds like a cliche, but the happier you are alone, the more chance that a man will come along. What men do not want are desperate clingy women who need a man.

If you make your life full, are confident and are fun to be with, then putting yourself in the right places you will find a man if that is what you want.

I expect that those of you who are alone have got used to it. Most peole I know who are alone not through choice- partners left them- say that what they hate is being alone at the end of a day- not being able to share their working day with anyone, not having anyone to go on holiday with, not being able to bring them a hot water bottle when they have flu- all the little touches that we take for granted sometimes. But if you had a crap marriage then maybe you didn't have that anyway.

I'm only 32 but since my marriage broke down and H left me for a 21 yr old I've now come to a place where I actually like being on my own with my 2 DCs. In fact I like it so much now that I don't think I ever want another man at all! I couldn't have imagined saying that before marriage, I always wanted to be married and have children etc. Well that's been cured now

Can really relate to a lot of the stuff on here other people have typed though.

TDiddy and poshsinglemum - thanks, you're both sweet. I don't have support. People don't like talking about it. I can understand that because if you've never experienced it, it's hard to understand how it feels. I think my friends think I should be over it by now - and I feel the same, to be honest. I don't really understand why I'm not. I also find it physically very hard to talk about it; just thinking about it often makes me gag. I do sometimes wonder how it came to this.

I know how incredibly shallow this sounds but I feel that the most significant effect the experience had on me - the effect that has been most destructive - is that it has absolutely entrenched in me the belief that I am physically very ugly. I think that people are repulsed by me, but also fascinated in a macabre by how unattractive I am. Theoretically I know that being unattractive should not be a bar to having a relationship because it's what's on the inside that counts, etc, and I do have friends who love me and think I'm worthwhile; but I think I am ugly in a special way, so incredibly ugly that it is inconceivable that I could ever be acceptable, even if I was the nicest, funniest person in the world (which I'm not!)

But of course you can't talk to your friends about any of this because they are duty-bound to lie and tell you that you look fine. And I think I'd find it very difficult to admit it to a counsellor because I can only imagine the awkward silence in the room as they looked for a tactful way of not lying.

Fairy have you had any therapy or counselling since the rape ? Dont be on your own with this if you dont have or feel you dont want to talk to anyone in rl then you should get support elsewhere.

Your self esteem sounds at rock bottom and you are far too young to give up on life like this

I hope a more experienced MNer will come along with good advice but in the meantime (( ))from me

fairycake It is unlikely that good friends would think that you are over it now - but I know it can feel impossible to talk to people that we are close to about something so painful. It is also important to have people in our lives that we can talk about other stuff - even if it does feel like you are having to 'fake' being OK.
You do deserve to get good, professional help though. Not all counsellors are experts, though hopefuly most are competent. I am not trying to put you off, just that if you do manage to take the step to seeing someone and you don't feel that it is helping don't give up - keep looking for the right person/kind of support. Are there any support groups in your area that you would feel able to contact?
Take lots of care
x

Fairycake - I am not sure how one works out when is the right time to get over a crime.

I feel quite angry for you. I have 4 sisters and a daughter and I always feel angry about physical crime against women. But I am not sure if that is any help.

Life is short so please save some room for your happiness.

More later.

Warm wishes

After a lifetime of failed relationships (the last one ended three years ago) I think yes, I probably am going to be on my own forever. It doesn't fill me with dread, although I admit there are times I think I might like to meet someone .. but then my life as it is, isn't one that gets me into situations where I would meet someone. I don't socialise, work from home, and just potter about doing my own thing really.

I still look at men and fancy men, but that's as far as it goes. I don't miss being in a relationship if I'm honest. I'm quite happy on my own and enjoy my own company. I've got two teenagers, but they are always out .. and if I'm honest (this sounds terrible I know) but sometimes when they are in the house, I find myself wishing they would hurry up and go out. I've just got so used to being by myself that I have come to enjoy it. I still have the lusty feelings occasionally lol ... but not the inclination to do anything about it. When I do get a bit lonely, I think back on some of the disastrous relationships I've been in, and that soon puts things in perspective.

I wouldn't say never ... but I can't see it happening if I'm honest.

mmmwine - you are so young! Do you have time for team sport? It will happen when you least expect.

I been single for almost 5 years now and truth yes been couple short term relationships but none that i could settl;e or want to settle down and live with

I am happier on my own and faced hard truths that with 4dc and one with Sn that were a big package for anyone to take on .So am trying to build a life for me as a single person

Tdiddy to me, you come across as a living breathing Red Flag.

What is breathing Red Flag? Does that mean that I am a socialist or something like that?