Do you think you will be alone for ever?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Just wondering really.

I have been married twice, first one, we were far too young, second one, he was abusive.

I have two amazing dc. For various reason though I am pretty convinced I will be alone forever. I am nearly forty, don't get much (ever!) and to be honest I don't feel I am much of a catch, also find it hard to make friends. I am forty, on benefits (studying with OU though), completely financially insecure and quite honestly don't think I could every truly trust a man again after all I have been through.

I accept all this and do what Ihave to do and I don't really buy into the you have to be with someone to be happy kind of thing. I like my own company and do lots of stuff alone.

Just every now and then I feel a bit sad that this is how it all turned out but more that it has all been such a disaster (apart from gorgeous dc). I worry that my dc are too much my life iyswim. One day they will go and lead their own lives. I am quite old to consider a new career and it is not possible at the moment anyway because one of my dc has SN. I will just be a lonely, sad middle aged woman. I do feel scared about that.

Sorry to ramble on, just wondered if anyone else ever felt like this?

I really like being on my own so I hope so, yes! or rather, single with a network of friends and a sense of adventure.
I am happier than I have ever been and feel the best is yet to come!

I wonder why many women don't prefer to be on their own given that so many of us blokes are a pain.....I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Also, I guess it is nice to have a real, deep partnership and share life's ups and downs.

...But to an extent you can do share your life with your best friends.

Yes secrets, I missed that masculine energy and strong arms for hugs when I lost my Dad last year. I really needed that then and I do believe that the lack of has been the reason I've not been able to grieve yet.

I do think I'll probably be single for most of the rest of my life. I'm 33 and I have seemingly insurmountable problems with trust, having been raped (with a reasonable degree of violence) 10 years ago. I don't think I will ever again believe anything nice that any man says to me. Which is upsetting, because it's not like I lack the ability to fall in love. I just will never believe that it is reciprocated. Ho hum.

You're nearly 40...not nearly 80!!! 40 is a fabulous age. You are doing a degree, it may well take a while but just think what a fantastic achievement at the end.

You're broke, know that feeling well, but if you do have the chance to get out at all there are plenty of things that you can do with little or no money. A friend of mine joined a walking club - all children welcome - and met her partner there.

While D's at school could you volunteer to do something, work at local hospital in cafe, shop etc. loads of dishy Doctors!!

You have plenty to offer, don't under-sell yourself.

Write a list and make yourself put at least ten things on it that are fabulous about yourself, then stick it somewhere where you see it everyday and keep adding.

solo - very sorry to hear of your loss. Do you have DC and did they get to know your dad?

fairycake123 - your post is so heart wrenching. Do you have support? Whenever I hear stories like yours I make a mental note to ensure that my sons understand this sort of crime.

Mavis, I'm in total agreement.

I too have got to the point of positively looking forward to it. I just can't find one who has any common sense and I think I've finally given up.

Hi there,This is the first time I have posted a message - so I hope that people will keep me right!
Just reading the messages here shows how loneliness affects so many people whatever their age, circumstances etc. To be honest it is all I think about at the moment - I know that I am really lucky in other areas of my life, but it all seems so pointless and such hard work without someone to share stuff with. I am continually trying to stay positive though...trying to focus on what is good in my life.

i dont want anyone either, yes i get lonely but feel so damaged i cant see myself with anyone else.

Yes - I'm nearly 42 and I'm sure I'll be alone forever. If I'm honest I would prefer a partner, if I could find a good one but I'm so shy and lacking in confidence that I only attract users and abusers. Much better to be on your own than with one of those.

Kathyjelly - lol at "can't find one who has any common sense*.

hippychicky - there are married people who are lonely and who are also trying to find the meaning of life so I agree with what you are saying about everyone being affected. I don't have answers but I think part of the answer is to find pleasure in very simple things. For me it is things like...my bowl of porridge in the morning, watching Formula 1, early morning or late night jog, praising the work of colleagues.....

It's been 2 years now since I kicked my ex out after 20 years together. Most of that time was spent covering up his drinking and putting up with horrible behaviour. I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I am clearly a slow learner! I have 2 fantastic DC who are now in early teens. The first year on my own was scarey but I also felt really good - not having to use so much time and energy holding together a disastrous marriage. Now, I just feel desperately lonely and I wake up every morning with a sense of dread about how I will get through the day - of course I do but I feel so scared about being on my own for ever - not because i can't cope but I don't want to be on my own.

That's awful fairy cake. You are so young. Please get councelling if you havn't already.

I'm only 32 but have trust issues due to abuse. I guess it's the disillusionment that makes me sad. The fact that we grow up with fairy tales of princes rescuing princesses and the idea of our wedding day being the pinacle of our life.

Once you come to terms with that it gets easier. I feel sad to be disillusioned though. It sucks the sense of hope, romance and joy out of life. Sometimes I start believing in love again and wonder why it hasn't worked out for me.

With modern life being so much about individual needs, perhaps our children are destined to have more fluidity in friends and partnership. Perhaps my daughter will pick the best bits of male company and then retreat from the worst bits?

In the mean time I think one can partially compensate: exercise/team sport, lots of music and dancing, lots of laughing with friends, following a passion, occasionally living for the moment, taking pleasure in/helping success of a relative/colleague.....

SO many couples spend much of their time fighting and being miserable that you probbaly aren't missing that much. Enjoy peace and freedom

TDiddy - You're right - lots of people feel lonely when they are in a relationship that has gone wrong...it's just that the feelings of loneliness aren't always so obvious...there is so much else going on. Most of the time I get by OK...walking the dog, working on the house, spending time with friends. It's just that sometimes I just feel really scared...I'm guessing that's what's really going on as just typing the word makes me cry. I have found self hypnosis CD's that are aimed at positive thinking can help me to focus on the everyday stuff that can bring pleasure, as well as re-framing negative thoughts. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

When I split with exh I moved on almost immediately with someone else. Then we split up after a couple of years.

It was only after that when I had my own place, my own life and was responsible for my own issues that I really started to recover and sort myself out. I learned to enjoy it so much that I looked forward to being on my own for ever. Then I met dp and we've been together for 15 years.

I am really glad that I learned to love me and my own space first. Now I appreciated the good parts of being with dp, but also know that I would never have to put up with crap just because I was frightened of being on my own.

TDiddy, yes, my Dc's were 11 (just) and 2.8 when Dad passed; they love him very much though my youngest says she doesn't miss Grandad anymore which is sad, but good in lots of ways...she still loves him
We were all very close.

What's really touched me is watching my dad look after my mum now she has cancer.

He's never shown her much emotion but now she's ill he's visibly upset and driving hours every day to visit her in hospital. It's sweet.

Just made me think though that I'd like someone like that if I ever get ill.

I know what you mean psm. I used to wonder how long I'd be dead before anyone noticed

Another one here! I feel lonely - have no children - and often feel worn down at having to be self-sufficient. Then, as someone else said, I look at the relationships my coupled-up friends & rellies have. They're not a whole lot better than the ones I'm relieved to have terminated. I'm thinking the price of companionship, and someone to hold the other end while you unscrew a heavy thing, is just too damn high.

I'm aware of successful, mutually-enhancing relationships but not sure I'm equipped to be part of one. I can't actually imagine a relationship where I'd feel totally secure: that might change as I do, but I'm not banking on it. I have something precious, and fairly new to me - contentment

I used to work for a helpline. Half the people phoned up because they weren't in a relationship and wanted to be. The other half phoned because of problems IN their relationships. There are pros and cons to being coupled up and being single. They are just different, IMO, rather than one being necessarily better.

TBH I maybe v. cynical, but I suspect most relationships are just not all they're cracked up to be.

So many of my friends just rub along with someone in the house who appears to vaguely irritate them all the time, who doesn't pull his weight with the housework.

And I don't know if I'm very shallow, but for me, the thought of living with someone who expected domestic service of me, is pretty horrifying. I'd like regular sex and physical adult male contact, of course I would, but not at the price of picking up someone else's dirty socks - it's bad enough picking up my children's, let alone a grown adult's. And so many women who otherwise take no shit and expect equality and respect, suddenly go into "shrug" mode about this issue and behave as it it just goes with the territory of living with a man. Which makes me think I'd like a man to come and shag me regularly and then go away takign his dirty socks with him - but they don't want to do that, they want to stay and "move it on to the next level" don't they. And the next level, appears to be pickign up the bloody socks.

Am I slightly obsessive about dirty socks? Is that why I'm single?

am def feeling like this at mo.
been in my new flat for a week with my 2 dds and i am 45,

had to sign on til i can find work,ex has given me no money i have had to carry on paying debts as he wont pay them so its basically taken all our food money and i sit and think this is how i am treated after 10 years of marriage,

i might just be on a pity party but yep dont think i will meet any one decent on the plus side i have my lovely dd age7 and dd aged 9

Not a pity party - things sound really tough for you just now. I keep trying to focus on the things in my life that I can have some influence over eg..being a good mum - trouble is I am not sure how much of that is just a way of trying to avoid the stuff that's making me so sad. I just hold on to the thought that things don't stay the same for ever - that doesn't mean that a magical solution will suddenly appear - just that things will feel different in time.

thanks hippychick
my husband was a lowlife porn addict who prefered prostitutes and put us thru hell and back over 10 years

my dds have gone out with their aunt for day so at home with my cats,really should have gone for a long walk instead of staying in.

i think its sadness i feel right now,time to reflect on whats happened but tomorrow off to park with dds and some other mums for a picnic so am sure will feel a bit more upbeat

hoping that it will improve ,hell what am i saying i dont have to live with a bloody porn addict who cheated on me so from that point of view its great......
just takes some getting used too ,x