If I had found MN three years ago,I would have run from xp within a few months of meeting him.
But then I wouldn't have my beautiful baby dd who my dc and I dote on and adore.
The dc had a fantastic fortnight in the sun.Xh2 really enjoyed spending time with them all and became very fond of baby.We really appreciated having his company - and the extra help to carry etc.I got the opportunity to swim with the older dc.
People assumed we were a "conventional" family unit..It was easier not to correct anyone who assumed xh2 was baby's Dad - and unnecessary.I enjoyed the anonymity of appearing to be like most other holiday makers in the resort..
I had lots of time to sit in the shade,b'feeding or minding sleeping baby while xh2 and dc had fun .
Lots of thinking and processing.
We were in the same place where,a year ago,baby was conceived.Where xp was with us on what then seemed the perfect family holiday..
Lots of memories were referred to by dc ,both happy one's and stuff like - "imagine if xp heard/saw that..."......xh2 was not in the least offended at xp being discussed, in sad recollection or relief....we all took a while to get used to that....
I tried explaining to xh2 what things have been like ,but showing him threads here gave a clearer picture..(so he knows me here,now..)
Thank goodness for the internet cafe on site.I couldn't post,but reading helped when I slipped into self pity...
...which I did all too frequently...
I am in no doubt whatsoever that I am fortunate to have got off so lightly.I know xp was a very controlling narcissist and that over the past three years,I came to experience as normal,his extreme and vicious verbal attacks and emotional abuse.
I read almost identical descriptions on here every day.He is "textbook".
But despite my shame, embarrassment and anger at having been so taken in,and my certain knowledge that I would now spot another loser a mile off,I am ashamed to say that I still HURT like crazy and actually MISS the fake,fantasy man that I "loved".....
Despite determined distraction and thought -blocking,I wasted many hours on holiday,longing for the man I thought I used to know
I really identified with Elmtree's thread.I sincerely believed I had found "the one". I find it hard to imagine finding any man who I could feel so strongly about.Even though I've just had a baby,I miss the great sex...
I am interested when posters are advised to get real with regards to "romance".
Is it all fantasy,the soul mate stuff? Was I immature and unrealistic to fall for that?...to miss it and long for it?....
I realise,now,that I was on a pedestal.But at the time,that felt good.What is the healthy,real life version of such attention?My self esteem is pretty high,why do I miss the fake "grooming" of a controlling liar?
Because it is grooming,isn't it?
And it is very powerful and effective.
That's the head-fuck.
Whenever another woman,by posting here, begins to discover the reality and starts to come out of the fog,I am fascinated at how some of the most understanding and heartfelt advice is given by those who have had a similar experience.
And how sometimes ,it seems impossible for someone who has not been involved with one of these men,to understand and appreciate how the brainwashing really gets you.
Now,I am staying very deliberately and consciously in the present as much as I can.Enjoying the school holidays with my dc.Trying to re connect with the woman I used to be.Defining myself as a confident,strong proud single mum of 5.
I guess I have to grieve for the loss of what I thought I had and that this will take time.
Thank you to all the women who continue to support and share on here.
I am trying to build RL networks too, and would be glad to email/chat with anyone who would find it helpful.Please skype me if you want to.