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Original poster

At 16 were you allowed to shag at home?

121 replies

coventgarden · 22/07/2010 20:23

I wasn't allowed boyfriends staying over at 16 through to 19 when I left home (it is complicated.) I am a bit and surprised how many people think it is okay to allow their 16 year old child to have sex in their house and it is making me think what I will/should do when mine are that age. I am also wondering why I wasn't allowed and can only assume they didn't like my boyfriend (well I know they didn't) and were worried I would get pregnant.

I left a note to stay I was staying at his house that night as I couldn't ask/tell them.

All very strange and complicated.

OP posts:
scratchmyback · 22/07/2010 20:48

I thinks its all about respecting what parents want. I always thought that whether I agreed with the reasoning or not, if my mum was uncomfortable with it then I would respect that. I have no right to make her feel uncomfortable in her own house for any reason.

ReasonableDoubt · 22/07/2010 20:48

To be fair, if my dad had been around, I don't know if he would have been so liberal about the issue - or whether I would have felt comfortable having sex with my boyfriend with him next door!

I still admire my mum, though. She didn't bat an eyelid at us having sex like a pair of rabbits in the room next door to her (quietly, though!), yet at the same time, I always felt completely safe, loved and supported by her. I knew I could confide anything in her. And we did have fairly good mum/daughter boundaries in other respects. It was al;ways really important to em that my boyfriends liked an respected my mum. My boyfriend, and then the one after him (who I was with from 16-20 yrs old) were like puppy dogs with my mum. They were all 'Yes, Mrs X, No Mrs X, can I do your shopping for you, Mrs X?'. And rightly so!

QuickLookBusy · 22/07/2010 20:50

No, I wasnt allowed till I was engaged at 20!

My DD is 16 and there is no way I'd allow her to sleep with a boyfriend at home.

And before everyone shouts "Well she'll be doing it behind the bike sheds" I know she isnt.

We talk openly about sex, and to be honest she and her group, (who are lovely, pretty, intelligent girls, and who have most of the sixth form chasing them!!) feel sorry for girls who are having sex.

I think just because its lawful to have sex at 16, it doesnt mean thats ok for everyone, and I think its too young for the vast majority of teenagers. Therefore I dont blame my parents for not letting me sleep in their house.

herbietea · 22/07/2010 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

starsareshining · 22/07/2010 20:52

I never asked whether I was allowed to stay over at my boyfriend's house, I just did it. How bad-ass, eh?

My parents are, in my opinion, ridiculously prudish when it comes to sex. I think part of the shame of having a pregnant daughter was not just because it's a SIN, but because I'd actually had sex!!!! And there was now physical proof of that!!!

Anyway, it was when I was 17. My mom did eventually phone his mom and tell her that I wasn't allowed to stay there til I was 18 so it stopped temporarily and then started again. His parents didn't actually like me but they weren't too involved in their son's life so they never interfered with our sex life. And he had a car so we'd just drive to places when he was supposed to be dropping me off and either do it in the car or on a blanket underneath the stars .

I'm really glad that it was never banned because those times are still some of my best memories.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 22/07/2010 20:54

No, not allowed. My parents were not too keen on pre-marital sex, let alone teenage sex. Fairly sure that mum was a virgin when she got married, not sure about my dad... At 16 boys in bedroom would have involved an open door.

I met my now DH when I was 19, he was put to sleep on the sofabed downstairs when he came to stay. I used to sleep with him and then sneak back upstairs to my room in the early hours. Think my parents probably knew what was going on but chose not to know. Think I did tell my mum I was on the pill. About 18 months later we moved in together so were allowed to share a room if we visited parents after that...

Hawklore · 22/07/2010 20:55

Hells no. Only grudgingly allowed to have bf (now DH) to stay in my room after we'd been together 5+ years. We were aged 23/24 by then. Can't say I disagreed with Mum - her house, her rules. Same rules at his parents too

(Being stealthy and sneaking downstairs to the sofa bed where bf was sleeping for quickies in the middle of the night was fun)

usualsuspect · 22/07/2010 20:55

We weren't allowed ..didn't stop us though

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 22/07/2010 20:56

ha! They weren't even allowed in my bedroom. Mum gave in when I was 21 and met (my now) DH.

UnquietDad · 22/07/2010 20:57

My parents put me and DW up in separate rooms in their house when we were 24/25.

We were permitted to share a room once we were engaged and living together. By that point it would have seemed absurd for us not to!

Maybe I'm coming over all Victorian Dad, but 16 seems ridiculously early to be having a boyfriend/girlfriend with whom you are even considering it being an issue that you'd be allowed to sleep together - at your parents' house or elsewhere, frankly.

ib · 22/07/2010 20:57

I moved out when I was 16 but before that I was allowed to be with my bf in my room - no one asked what we were doing and everyone knocked if they needed me (but generally just left us alone).

orienteerer · 22/07/2010 20:58

Absolutely NOT!

dustycups · 22/07/2010 20:58

nope, so did it in other places

LarkinSky · 22/07/2010 21:03

At 16, having a boyfriend in my room (when my parents were home) came with the condition that the door stayed open. Not that my folks ever popped their head through to check nothing was going on!

However, everytime they were away (most weekends) I had my boyfriend to stay, wild house parties, sleeping in parents' double bed... I'm so ashamed to recall it all now, and I really hope dd doesn't return the karma when she's a teenager. I will deserve it if she does though.

The first boyfriend allowed to stay in my room overnight was my long-term bf from university - we'd already been practically living together in halls for a year anyway - and that's the guy who became DH in the end.

As to what I'll do - if dd is a mature 16 year old, and the relationship is serious and committed, and I liked her bf and approved of the way he treated her, and I knew they knew about safe sex, then I'd probably let them.

lovely74 · 22/07/2010 21:07

Yes I was. Well at 17.5 anyway when we left my dad. He wouldn't let anyone in the house, male or female .

I remember my mum recounting a conversation with a colleague whose daughter wanted her boyfriend to stay over and she said no, and my mum said she was studpid as they would just do it at the bus stop. She's quite prudish really but had the nouse to know that it was going to happen and that the best thing to do was for us to be safe and supported (we'd been together since I was 14 and my mum adored him).

His parents however would not let me stay over there. Their rules and we respected them.

Not sure how I'll feel with my DC's. I hope i'll be like my mum though.

Eurostar · 22/07/2010 21:24

Yes, but I had lots of platonic male friends and was certainly not shagging every boy who came to my room. I think I realised at 16 that 16 year old boys weren't much cop in the sack! Took me a good few more years to get properly interested in sex which was when I met someone who knew what they were doing!

UnquietDad · 22/07/2010 21:25

This "they'll just do it elsewhere anyway" approach... I've never quite got it. It shouldn't stop you taking whatever stand you feel to be right, should it?

It would be strange to say it about drugs, for example.

NomDePlume · 22/07/2010 21:32

Yes, but sex at 16 between consenting partners is legal, UQD.

Drud use, otoh, is not.

I see what you are trying to get at but you are comparing apples with oranges.

NomDePlume · 22/07/2010 21:32

Drug

No idea about Druds. Are they legal ?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 22/07/2010 21:33

I was allowed to stay at my first serious boyfriends house when I was 14 years old. Special occasions only like a family party etc. I even shared a room with him in a caravan on a family holiday to the South of France. All rather innocent though! We were far to scared of getting caught and I was to terrified of getting pregnant to do anything really naughty

My next boyfriend used to stay over (I was 16 he was 18) sometimes and I would stay at his. He moved in for a while and then when I turned 18 we got married. Bought our own place and ive not been rid of him since!

ReasonableDoubt · 22/07/2010 21:34

True UQ, I guess, but it sets a precedent: Sex is something I keep secret from mum and dad.
Not private (it should be private, of course) but secret^. For some young people that is all fine and as it should be, but for others it has disasterous consequences. Sex isn't dirty and wrong. As soon as a young person wants to do it, they generally will find a way to do it.

Hai1988 · 22/07/2010 21:35

No well i never asked not to say I didnt do it.

Mouseface · 22/07/2010 21:45

Not a cat in Hells.

I first slept with my long term (for that age) boyfriend just before my 16th birthday. The day I turned 16 I BEGGED my mother to put me/let me go on the pill.

She refused. I went on it anyway behind her back and carried on sleeping with said boyfriend.

NEVER under her roof. NEVER. I left at 20 and shagged him for England in my own flat.

I'm 35 now and would still NEVER shag my DH in her or my MIL's house.

Lynli · 22/07/2010 21:57

No definitely not. I met my DH at 16 got married at 21 and was allowed to sleep together in my DMs house only after I was married. Married now for 26 years (you get less for murder.)

I didn't let my DDs sleep with their boyfriends under my roof. I thought I would if it was a long term relationship, but they seemed to change boyfriends every few months. When they met the "one" they moved out within six months.

venusandmars · 22/07/2010 21:58

Ha! Like several others her was never allowed boys 'upstairs' while I lived at home.

With my dds - I tell them it a is a complex algorithm that is related to the likelihood of them being together in 6 months time. This is generally a function of their age / and the length of time they have been with boyfriend / and the length of time that I have known the boy friend.

So if dd is 16 and has just met him - then no way. If 18 and been in a steady relationship for a while then probably.

tbh I don't want to meet an assortment of young men coming out of my dd's room, so yes, my house, my morals.

Also, if my dd's understand the concept of an algorithm, then they're half way to making good decisions about who they sleep with anyway

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