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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not sure I can get over this, please help

58 replies

Mosschops30 · 22/08/2005 09:26

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nailpolish · 22/08/2005 09:33

thats terrible mosschops, i can understand how awful you must be feeling. i cant think of what to say. i hope you manage to talk things through and get somewhere from there

take care, chin up xxx

expatinscotland · 22/08/2005 09:34

I remember your story, Moss. I'm really shocked he still went. I'd be pretty angry myself.

beetroot · 22/08/2005 09:38

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fireflyfairy2 · 22/08/2005 09:47

I read your thread. I don't know you. But IMO I think your DH needs to rethink his priorities and see where they lie.
He should have stuck by you.. sure you're the one he'll be spending the rest of his life with.. My how his mate will love to think he has come between your DH and you.

I think he should not have went.. especially having already told him not to phone or call at your house.. Drunken or not.. they say a drunken mans words are a sober man thoughts, so make of that what you will. And tell your DH that he needs to think long and hard about hwat he did that weekend... it was a betrayal. Well, in my eyes it was anyway..and husband should stand by his wife! Even if me and my DH disagree... we stand together in pubilc and let it all fly in private lol

Pinotmum · 22/08/2005 09:50

Mosschops I remember your story and how upset your were. I would feel betrayed if my dh this this. I would have told him in no uncertain terms how this made me feel before he went. I think he needs to be reminded that he is married to you and you deserve some respect.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 22/08/2005 09:56

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mumbojumbo · 22/08/2005 10:24

I remember the thread and how hurt and angry you were. I think it's out of order that he went and is disrespectful to you.

Can you write down in a letter to him how you are feeling? I've done this when dh has pssd me off big time (even if I've not sent it, it helps to vent).

I can't really offer any other advice apart from be strong, and I really hope you can work through this.

mj

mumbojumbo · 22/08/2005 10:25

Opps, I meant to say "P$ss$d" and it didn't come out right!

handlemecarefully · 22/08/2005 10:31

How direct were you with your dh on the night in question Mosschops. Did you say in a fairly controlled, mild tone "I really would prefer it if you didn't go"

Or were you plain speaking, assertive and direct - e.g. "If you go I will be terribly hurt and let down and don't think I can ever forgive you. I will feel like you are not standing by me / defending me on what is an important issue for me"

If the former then I think you should cut dh some slack (as it may be he didn't think it through properly). If the latter and he still went you have been badly let down by dh and are justifiably feeling betrayed.

Could it be that dh just didn't compute just how upset you are by this whole thing? Don't forget that men are not as highly evolved as women , and often have the hides of rhino....

handlemecarefully · 22/08/2005 10:56

Oh dear, hope I haven't killed thread for you...

handlemecarefully · 22/08/2005 11:56

bumping for you - for more feedback hopefully

mememum · 22/08/2005 12:03

Mosschops I had a similar situation with my ex partner. A friend of his verbally abused me in front of mutual friends and my friends at my birthday party. My partner didn't stand up for me and remained close to him. I felt terrible and the trust and relationship eventually broke down but other factors were also involved not just that one incident. I did the letter thing and it did help us in a way. He even wrote me a letter back explaining reasons for why he didn't do anything. It is a very good way of seeing the situation and getting it all out and if it hadn't been for other incidents we could have perhaps been together now.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 22/08/2005 16:47

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Caligula · 22/08/2005 16:53

I think you need to get it out in the open, this sort of thing is corrosive. It's a serious error on your DH's part in terms of how people see your relationship. He hasn't stood shoulder to shoulder with you and that weakens you and your relationship in the eyes of outsiders.

Like HMC says, is it possible he just didn't realise how angry and hurt you would be? Were you 100% clear with him how you felt about this?

Blu · 22/08/2005 16:56

Would it help if he was able to tell his 'friend' that he considers him out of order to have spoken to you like that?

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 22/08/2005 17:07

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LittleMissNaughty · 22/08/2005 17:13

I would suggest asking him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. I know men aren't as sensitive but surely if a friend of yours shouted abuse at him, he would be upset if you continued to be friends with her.

ninah · 22/08/2005 17:14

if a friend of mine abused dp I would prefer to deal with it my own way rather than be forbidden contact etc

expatinscotland · 22/08/2005 17:18

Anyone who abused DH is NO friend of mine. NO ifs, ands or buts.

ninah · 22/08/2005 17:23

just can't imagine it.
Would feel awful in your situation. The friend is the real villain in the piece though. I mean, who behaves like this? was he drunk? not that that's an excuse

sunchowder · 22/08/2005 18:04

Mosschops--just wanted to add a bit if it would help you. I don't believe that your DH viewed this as a betrayal or clearly he would not have gone to the party. Several factors could be at work here in his own mind.

Even though I do believe that women are more complex, men can also be sensitive in their ways for sure. For one if he was brought up to believe that "the less said the less damage done", he is going to try to put this all behind him as quickly as possible. Secondly, if he happens to be a "pleaser" type individual, then he wants to smooth everything over and pretend all is alright. Maybe in his mind this was a good environment (someone neutral without you) to heal the relationship with his friend so that all will be well again (in his mind). He already knows that you adore him and clearly he didn't think he was risking your love to go to this party.

I am so aware that this feels awful to you and I would be so hurt myself. It is always easier for someone on the outside to offer these types of words. I jJust don't believe that he felt that he was betraying you--I don't think he realized it and it would mean alot to him to communicate about it and let him know how you are feeling now (without alot of anger if you can manage it). Hope you are feeling better soon.

PeachyClair · 22/08/2005 18:46

OOh, I think that's out of order! I joined Dh's social group ( a carnival club) after we had been married a few years, they were a bit clicky tbh but DH really wanted me to. Anyway, I got caught up in a fall out and I was asked to step down (I was in fact away at time, name was used falsely I think? Still no idea!). When Dh queried this in the meeting, Chairman denied it and said I was a liar. Dh left on the spot, and that was it for over a decade's friendship. I did tell him he didn't have to do it, and I meant that, but he felt it was the right thing to do.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 22/08/2005 20:49

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expatinscotland · 22/08/2005 20:54

Aw, Moss, that's awful! (((HUGS))) to you. Can't say I'd feel all that good about his friends in the future.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 22/08/2005 20:59

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