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Original poster

Miserable sex situation

51 replies

cornishblue · 21/07/2010 12:57

I got home after a fortnight away yesterday. DH was very affectionate all evening, said how much he had missed me etc. Then my period started early evening, I felt tired and headachey and wasn't up for sex. DH was livid, sprang away from me like I had the plague then sulked until he fell asleep and left for work early without a word this morning. Which left me thinking that he hadn't missed me as much as he missed sex.

A bit of context - my sex drive has been low for several years and his is quite high so there is tension anyway. We had a talk before I went away - he said he is miserable, I said I was too because of the pressure. I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
irises · 21/07/2010 12:58

TBH if I'd been away for a fortnight I would have had a shag even if I felt a bit headachy, as once the old pheremones got going the headache would go.

Of course he shouldn't be sulking, though.

Gigantaur · 21/07/2010 13:01

you shouldn't be doing anything. He should be getting some perspective and coming home with a big fat apology for you.

IF you are mismatched sexually then one of you has to give. Either you have sex when you would rather not or he has less sex than he would like.

It is ok for him to be disapointed when he was probably very much looking forward to sex after a time away from you, but it is not on for him to make you feel bad.

irises · 21/07/2010 13:03

Or both of you have to give. So if you don't really want it more than once a week and he wants it every day, you should BOTH be prepared to compromise - maybe two or three times a week?

Malificence · 21/07/2010 13:08

If you are both miserable about your sexual misalignment, the only thing to do is to reach some sort of compromise, one where he will feel satisfied and you will not be pressured - basically compromise on the number of times a week that you will have sex and make it a rule that if you turn him down for sex then you will initiate it the next time.

He must have been very disappointed that you weren't able to have sex with him after 2 weeks away, sulking was wrong but a bit understandable really.
Were you relieved that your period gave you an excuse to say no? I only ask because if you'd been keen too then a couple of headache tablets would have done the trick .

Original poster
cornishblue · 21/07/2010 13:11

I feel like I am compromising already because I only actively feel like it when I'm ovulating, which might be when he's away (as he is often, for work). The rest of the time it feels like a chore, which is a terrible thing to admit and I feel bad even thinking it.

OP posts:
Original poster
cornishblue · 21/07/2010 13:14

No it wasn't a relief, we had had a lovely evening and it would have been nice after such a long absence. But last night was a veritable flood and I felt really yucky.

OP posts:
DrNortherner · 21/07/2010 13:15

I think every couple in a long term relationship goes through this. It's normal.

My dh has been known to sulk if I have not felt like it. It is twattish behaviour I agree.

My Grandma once told me the secret to keep your man happy is regular sex. Not very PC I know, but it seems to be bloody true!

I think you need to change your mindest. Wake up and tell yourself, I am going to have sex with dh today. Don't keep thinking I don't want sex today etc etc' Think positive. Also I think scheduling in sex can help, lets face it, when we are so busy spontaneous sex very rarely happens....

Original poster
cornishblue · 21/07/2010 13:20

DrN - funnily enough I did think that yesterday, and I never think that! My period was a totally unwelcome surprise, it wasn't even due for a few more days.

For my part though you are probably right in that the pressure from DH has made me feel negative about sex, and my avoidance of it has made him quite obsessive about it.

OP posts:
irises · 21/07/2010 13:23

I know it sounds odd, but would it help to have a fixed schedule for a little while, so say, Saturday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday evening on the basis that you don't wangle out of it and he doesn't try it on in between those times? That would hopefully take the pressure off you, you wouldn't feel that you were forever saying no, and he would feel more relaxed because he knows he's going to get shagged on a reasonably regular basis?

Malificence · 21/07/2010 13:26

It really is true that the more sex you have, the more you want - is it worth buying a vibrator to use while your DH is away for work? It might just kick start your libido and get you wanting sex far more.
I used to be exactly the same re. ovulating, it was the only time I fancied sex too, since making a concerted effort 18 months ago, my libido is very high and more importantly, has stayed consistent throughout my cycle.

Original poster
cornishblue · 21/07/2010 13:39

Well it's worth a go! He'd be thrilled with a weekly schedule. Anything to break out of this horrible situation.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 21/07/2010 13:45

CB: SOme good advice here already about scheduling etc, and I would just like to add that the key thing to remember is that neither of you is wrong/right about the amoutn of sex you would like, the problem is between you and not a matter of one of you winning and the other having to suck it up (so to speak). Compromise and communication are what works with situations like this otherwise you get stuck in a miserable repeat pattern of A asking for sex, B refusing, A sulking, B shying away from any kind of contact or display of affection in case A sees an opportunity for sex, both partners avoiding each other and feeling more and more resentful etc.

lazarusb · 21/07/2010 14:01

I have a higher sex drive than dh but, while I do make the odd comment to him I would rather he did it because he wants to rather than because I made him feel guilty about it.

Dinkytinky · 21/07/2010 16:36

Cornish-I'm the same too, I only get horny when ovulating and agree withthe yucky feeling, I just don't feel sexy when I'm on. I found that I had some underlying issues re-pregnancy and sex after a failed pregnancy, some wonderful people on here helped me alot (I am on a different name now) and I eventually spoke to DP about it, a couple of weeks later I'm starting to get flickerings of those feelings again and even initiated sex this week!
I guess all I'm saying is perhaps there is a reason your sex drive has become low/ why you don't want sex with dp- I realised I was still angry at him for not being more sensitive etc when I needed him.
Hope that makes sense and thankyou again, ESP to madameG

buttonmoon78 · 21/07/2010 16:45

We're currently going through a similar thing. Relationship not been good for a while but both committed to fixing it. Lack of sex (ie he wants it I don't) has been a real killer. He would like it every night we're together (he works away quite a lot so I feel really pressured the times he's at home). However, we're working on that.

But... he gets a bit narky when I've got my period. Like it's my choice or something!! I'm using the Mirena which makes me spot a lot sometimes and makes my periods really irregular so I can't rely on anything - sometimes it's months, sometimes it's days. And it's always on a special occasion . I've asked him to have the snip so I don't have to worry (he is reluctant to say that least!), but it's only while writing this that I've realised that the regular periods could be a big seller! Doh.

sarah293 · 21/07/2010 16:59

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Message withdrawn

buttonmoon78 · 21/07/2010 17:02

Being a non-sexual partner ( at terminology) then yess, it's not great, but probably as hellish as for himself who would like it every day. At least 3 times.

That's the nature of compromise, no?

sarah293 · 21/07/2010 17:10

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Message withdrawn

Alouiseg · 21/07/2010 17:14

They may be non sexual now but it's usually massive sexual attraction that pulls people into relationships. Is there no way of rewinding the clock to get back the sexual chemistry?

I think talking about how you met and the shared early fireworks can really get the mood going.

irises · 21/07/2010 17:26

Buttonmoon Hope you find a happy solution. You're taking it seriously and seem determined to improve the situation which is half the battle.

Original poster
cornishblue · 21/07/2010 17:29

The way things stand now, 3 times a week would be difficult for me, certainly, and would mean me compromising a lot more than DH.

I'm not sure we could recreate early chemistry, it feels like another life

OP posts:
irises · 21/07/2010 17:31

OK, so put it another way, how frequently (per month) would you feel comfortable having sex, and how frequently would your dh?

comtessa · 21/07/2010 17:32

I often find that I only feel like it once DH and I have started foreplay. Or if I've been mentally preparing, eg reading bodice-ripper (corny but works!). So much of the female sex-drive is in the mind. That said, I feel like it more often than my DH. We had a big row about it a few months ago and decided that if one of us initiates sex, the other should go along, even if they don't feel like it to start with. I'll have to let you know how this works out sometime early next year as I'm now five months pregnant and neither of us have been really up for it lately!
Also, tell him what you want him to do to get you in the mood. I never appreciate just being groped for in the night.

Alouiseg · 21/07/2010 17:32

Do you enjoy it when you get going or is it just another chore to get on with?

Is he considerate? What about cuddling and kissing without sex as a final goal?

coventgarden · 21/07/2010 17:33

DH and I have different desires at times but I suggested he could still satisfy me with his fingers if he wasn't fancying sex. Actually the last couple of times it has been me saying no.

cornishblue - could you satisfy him in other ways? Your H has to know that behaving like a spoilt brat is not going to make you want to shag him.