Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Miserable sex situation

51 replies

cornishblue · 21/07/2010 12:57

I got home after a fortnight away yesterday. DH was very affectionate all evening, said how much he had missed me etc. Then my period started early evening, I felt tired and headachey and wasn't up for sex. DH was livid, sprang away from me like I had the plague then sulked until he fell asleep and left for work early without a word this morning. Which left me thinking that he hadn't missed me as much as he missed sex.

A bit of context - my sex drive has been low for several years and his is quite high so there is tension anyway. We had a talk before I went away - he said he is miserable, I said I was too because of the pressure. I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 21/07/2010 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ramade · 21/07/2010 18:01

Any men reading this? Am I right in thinking (read it somewhere) that men feel loved and express affection/love through sex. Think they go through the motions of saying it, but really feel it through sex? So it may have been more than the urge when he flounced off.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/07/2010 18:01

It's certainly true that men who do their fair share of household work and childcare are less likely to find their partners losing interest in sex (when a man doesn;t pull his weight domestically, unless the woman is the one with the higher sex drive and always has been, she may begin to feel that sex is just another service she's expected to provide for the man).
owever, if this isn't a particular problem and wha's going on really is a mismatch in libidos, it;s important for the low-libido partner to understand that the high=libido partner is miserable at the prospect of no sex, or very rare and grudging sex, for the rest of his/her life, so you have to keep talking and trying to work out a happy compromise.

irises · 21/07/2010 18:04

SGB right as usual

buttonmoon78 · 21/07/2010 18:27

The three times a week scenario was only an example OP, based on a once a week / every day compromise starting point. If your starting point is once a month then it will obviously be different. No one is saying that 3 times a week is the only reasonable compromise!

I find it difficult to get into it unless I've been given the proper warm up IYKWIM!

Original poster
cornishblue · 21/07/2010 18:33

Not much time or energy after work, children and house, no. He doesn't help out much with the housework and children in a normal week because of his long hours, and doesn't enjoy helping with homework or bathtime when he's tired. But he is always up for sex when he's tired - he finds sex relaxing (afterwards), but I don't and cannot fall asleep quickly afterwards, which compounds the tiredness.

But I am aware that he feels rejected and has said that he feels like I don't love or fancy him (which I have told him over and over isn't the case).

We will talk tonight.

OP posts:
buttonmoon78 · 21/07/2010 18:40

It's a very good place to start. If you both recognise that things are not right but worth fixing, that it will not be easy for either, that there are no winners or losers, it's all about compromise (for BOTH parties) then there's no reason at all why things can't get better. You'll be fine.

Let us know how you get on.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 21/07/2010 19:12

Great advice on here. I agree re:

  1. addressing resentment
  2. scheduling
  3. the more you do it the more you want to
  4. "preparing yourself"

I'd also add

  1. a maintenance blow-job when you are tired (but given with love and not just to "get him off your back")
Jamieandhismagictorch · 21/07/2010 19:14

... don't attempt 4) without doing 1)

mtroid · 21/07/2010 21:56

Ramade,

From my POV as a bloke, sex is an integral part of the relationship. I have the higher libido of us and always instigate/suggest sex, however I recognise that my DW has to be mentally there in order for her to want it. I can't imagine a relationship without the physical aspect, however I also don't expect us to be at it like rabbits either!

I'd have no interest in it being just a 'function'. And it isn't the only way of saying 'I love you'. A simple hug/kiss/kind words can be enough. It's all about balance.

It should be an occasion that you BOTH enjoy and get something out of it. If it were purely me getting thrills, then I actually wouldn't.

Make any sense?!

SolidGoldBrass · 21/07/2010 23:59

Another thing to bear in mind is: when it's the bloke with the higher libido, sex can also become just a matter of getting him off ie not all that great for the woman. ('Pull my nightie down when you've finished'). And sometimes in couples who have been a bit, er, traditionally reared, sex has always been about getting the bloke off, so not actually that much fun for the woman. So if you're the one with the lower libido, it's worth spending a bit of time thinking about what sex stuff you actually like, and asking your partner to do some of that as well as the pair of you doing whatever he likes.

sarah293 · 22/07/2010 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

buttonmoon78 · 22/07/2010 07:38

Well that's when you need to get some conselling to work out what the issue is. I guess that for 90% of people, the libido issue is tiredness, stress, inability to switch off, lack of confidence etc. That's easy to overcome (she says 'easy' advisedly!) with work from both partners. But that leaves 10% (V scientifically arrived at BTW ) who are plain terrified of sex. People like that poor girl on a thread a couple of days ago who had the most horrendous delivery. I would never suggest just compromise for her or anyone like her (for whatever reason). People like that need professional help to get them over their trauma.

IMO sex is important. It's instinctive and natural. Personally, I would rather compromise and make a relationship work. I think it would be rare that in a couple who find each other attractive and there are no issues as above, that one partner would find sex not enjoyable and hates every second unless there are hidden, unresolved issues.

Riven - do you have an issue with this? I may be prying (or barking up the wrong tree), but you keep coming back to the same thing.

mtroid · 22/07/2010 07:43

Riven,

Although I'm the instigator, I'm very content that my DW enjoys sex once underway!

I think buttonmoon has hit the nail on the head.

sarah293 · 22/07/2010 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Chandon · 22/07/2010 07:57

I think that women who dont really feel like sex much, dont enjoy it as much as their partner does, and feel a bit shortchanged.

So maybe the man is not a great lover (a bit too quick for example), yet the woman ends up feeling guilty!

I recognise this situation, but in my case had to tell DH to slow it down or forget about it. By the time he`s finished, I am just beginning to get into it!

Men usually need to be reminded often to not be selfish in bed, and to slow down.

But that may well not be the case for you, as everyone is different.

I also had to explain that if he put pressure on me, I felt LESS like it.

As we basically love eachother, and get on, we sorted it out, but I just need to remind him that he has to slow down, and that my period is not something I "do" to reject him!

buttonmoon78 · 22/07/2010 07:58

The my heart goes out to you. But too painful to sit 6 years down the line? Why on earth can't something be done? I have back pain which grinds me down, but its not enough to get in the way of everyday life. It's not reasonable to accept that, surely? And with 24 hour care needed I'm not surprised you're shattered.

I guess it's your call really. I may be living in cloud cuckoo land but I reckon there must be a way of getting your physical issue resolved (feel free to tell me to butt out). Though I can't help with the tiredness. Do you get any help from social services? Are there no respite places you could arrange for some care? We have one about 250 yards away for kids with life-limiting conditions and it's really well used.

At least if you could get a few days 'off duty' you could address the tiredness issue and get the ball rolling re sorting your physical issue.

Don't just cut DH off. I'm assuming he's supportive with DD? He must be tired too. All humans need affection in one way or another. Even you. Possibly especially you.

Chandon · 22/07/2010 08:01

Also, not unimportant, my DH said that he felt unloved if we did not make love for a while, and that he felt we were not close emotionally, if we were not close physically. Rejection made him feel unloved and upset.

sarah293 · 22/07/2010 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mtroid · 22/07/2010 08:12

Riven,

Doesn't sound like you'd have GA JUST so your DH can have sex.

It looks like you'd benefit in terms of pain relief/sleep etc. I think your resentment has other foundations...

buttonmoon78 · 22/07/2010 08:12

I'd be resenting the fact that I'm in pain to be honest!

Obviously, I can't see into your life. And there's far more going on than in most people's. I think for your own health you need to get sorted. Could the consultant not have you on a short list so you can be admitted at the drop of a hat?

I think the impact of no sex on a normal, healthy man cannot be underestimated. It's physical (DH always gets more tense when he's on short measures) and emotional as Chandon said.

The pressures on you are immense. Would they be less or more if this relationship came to an end? Is that what you really want? Because if you're both simmering with resentment then it's likely to head that way unless you take action to avoid it. I know from personal experience that it's like that.

buttonmoon78 · 22/07/2010 08:17

And I agree with mtroid. Though I was being less than my usual blunt!

Original poster
cornishblue · 22/07/2010 08:46

We talked. DH apologised for his sulk. I suggested the compromise, but he wasn't happy with that - he wants me to want it, not just to agree to it to keep him happy, but realises I can't switch it on just like that.

There are lots of things going on. He drinks too much, I am too busy and tired to pay him enough attention. We both want to sort it out but don't know where to start. I think we might need counselling.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 22/07/2010 10:05

The impact of a sexless relationship on any person with an active libido is severe. There are lots of threads on here from women whose partners will not have sex with them, whether that's due to lack of libido or a wish to bully/control through witholding sex@ women in this situation are utterly miserable. There still seems to be this attitude that wanting more sex than your partner is a bit disgusting and makes you a selfish vulgar beast who 'ought to be able to control yourself' ie the partner with the lower libido is in the right and that partner's wishes should take precedence.
If you really don't want sex with your partner, you lose the right to insist that s/he doesn't have sex with other people. What's it to you if someone else enjoys something you don't want and have no interest in?

ChocolateMoose · 22/07/2010 10:32

Do you think your DH would agree to go to counselling, cornishblue? It sounds like it might be a good idea for you.