Is there ever no need to answer or respond when someone speaks to you??? Please help settle this dispute...

[Whitetara]

Please help me to get some perspective on this as it's causing horrendous rows and misunderstandings.

The issue is quite simply that I require some kind of acknowledgment that what I have said has been heard, e.g. a nod, an "ok" or some other simple or complex response depending upon the situation.

My husband on the other hand, does not agree. This means that when I say things to him that he does not think warrant a reply, such as a comment or remark, he will simply remain silent. The problem is that I think he has not heard me and so I end up repeating myself. He then responds, "I heard you", in an irritated tone, and goes on to say that he thinks that I should expect him to have heard.

Thing is, I have no idea for sure if he has heard or not and so end up repeating myself anyway.

Last night it came to a head, when I'd made a double quantity of some special Japanese stock to use for tonight's supper, using up all of a particular dry ingredient that needs ordering on line. I told him something along the lines of leave it there on the side (I can't remember exactly the wording) and got no response. Using his logic I "assumed" he'd heard. He hadn't (!), and I found out later he'd poured the whole lot down the sink. I was pretty annoyed.

He then said that it was my fault for not "making sure" he'd heard, if it was that important.

He was still adamant that there is no need to "respond" if no "response" is needed and he has heard what I've said. I completely disagree and think he's being completely unreasonable. What do you reckon?

I'm really sorry to say this but it sounds like he's quite tuned out and not interested in what you are saying most of the time. All sounds like a symptom of deeper problems.

YANBU

I have the same problem with my DH.

I don't have a solution, but sometimes I don't respond when he says something JUST SO HE KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!!

He doesn't sound that interested in anything you say.

Unless he's perfected the art of telepathy, he's wrong.

But I think you just wanted to show off about making Japanese stock with exotic ingredients!

i think he sounds like a tit

i mean how can anyone communicate effectively in any walk of life if when someone makes a comment they dont get any kind of ...what is termed 'active listening skills' such as a facial expression, nod of the head, raised eyebrows.

so not everything requires a verbal response, but some responses are not verbal - yet still responses.

he couldn't use public transport, go to a meeting, run a department - or do any kind of work which required the smallest amount of social interaction whiulst he is behaving this way. its absurd.

therefore i have to assume he only acts this way at home.

if he only acts this way at home, this is a power play.

how to solve it?

well, marriage guidence - try tell ing a third person this problem without him sounding like a tit - and he will know it too.

My dh does this sometimes. I've complained for years about it but he still does it. His usual excuse is that he concentrating on somthing else.

I personally think it's quite disrespectful not to acknowledge someone when they're speaking to you. It really says thay you're not importnat enough to be acknowledged.

are there any other issues in the relationship?

Slightly more sensible reply: How good is his hearing, really? People tend to do this when they can't admit there's a problem. It's a bugger to live with - just wait until he starts shouting

Um unless you were saying "are you asleep"? Because I don't always expect an answer to that one!

No he's an idiot.

I require a response too even a grunt will do!

My DP's exactly the same so I can't really offer any advice and it's so frustrating. As you say he just doesn't acknowledge things I say to him so I can't be sure that he's heard or he even if he agrees. This covers important things invovling DCs such as him picking them up from school or taking a day off to look after them eg 'Remember I'm working late today so you need to pick up DCs' will be met with no response. The trouble is a lot of the time I don't think he does actually listen (proved by various notable 'cock-ups' on his part)so coupled with the lack of acknowledgement it can be doubly stressful. I do back up important arrangements with an e-mail which amuses all my friends but I just see it as a 'back up' for when he claims I haven't told him something I did tell him about weeks ago.

He is the same with texts and e-mails. He thinks he only needs to acknowledge if he can't do something I've asked him to do but if he can I should assume that it's been done.

Blimey, you lot married some ill-mannered tosspots, didn't you?! (Yes, yes, I married abusers but they did speak when spoken to.) How on earth did you get as far as the wedding?

My h does this too. It has caused endless rows. But he goes a step further, if he has something he wants to tell me, he says it in such a low voice that I can't hear him. Drives me insane He even whispers sometimes.

My ex H used to acknowledge that he'd heard a Q but made exactly the same grunt for "yes" as he did for "no", so I never knew what the answer was. He, ofcourse, expected me to know which he meant.

Sqashimodo are we married to the same bloke?
DH is quiet even with his friends and he gets very absorbed in whatever he is doing so sometimes I have to call his name 3 or 4 times before he realises he is being spoken to.

He said that he has never spoken much but I pointed out that he needed to communicate enough that I knew what his view was as my mind reading skills are a bit ropey. He knows now that I will either repeat it until he responds or I will assume he has heard and he will be liable for the nuclear explosion consequences if in fact he hasn't.

However, Grace is on to something too. My DH has mild tinnitus so I think sometimes he genuinely doesn't hear and may have a problem moderating the volume of his speech at times so speaks too softly.

YANBU and I think you need to speak calmly to your husband, tell him what you want him to do, ask him if he is willing to act like a decent human being do this and then tell him how it makes you feel and why does he want to make his wife who he is meant to love, feel crap?

Grace, take that scenario to extremes and imagine him standing in church... "Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded etc"... silence! Vicar repeats the question and Mr Whitetara snaps "Of course I do, I wouldn't be standing here otherwise would I?"

I agree with others that sitting there in silence when someone talks to you is pig ignorant, and if someone thinks that being married lets them off having to treat their spouse like a human being then they need a swift kick. Either he thinks you're just not important or he thinks you're actually an appendage of him, so that anything he knows you automatically know too. (What a scary thought...)

I'd be dragging him to Relate at gunpoint, frankly.

YANBU

When my marriage was at a particularly low ebb, I was so resentful towards dh for some of the things that he had said to me, that I really did stop listening to him. He would complain that I gave him no feed back too.

I don't think that this is a nice way to act and saying that no response is required is a justification for his behaviour but not, I think, the reason for it.

Dh is the other way round. Will respond 'yes' even when he hasn't taken it in.
But he recognises it's a problem and will accept that IANBU to double check and yell at him.
and yup, it's very rude and disrespectful. He is working on it....

Does your DH do the same to his friends? Some of the communication issues me and DH have had have stemmed from him talking and responding to me as if I was a bloke. I have had to explain that women don't communicate in the same style so he has to recognise that whilst his friends might be ok with this communication style it doesn't work for me.

In fairness to DH he has made an effort to respond even if its just a nod.

My Soon to be ExH used to say that when he felt I had said something useful then he would reply. He never did though!....or I never said anything useful!

.

LOL at Coolfonz

This has happened on occasion here, tbvvvvh I think that the times when dh doesn't respond are often the times when I'm wittering on. It's kind of annoying, but not the end of the world - just one of those marriage things.

If it happened daily I wouldn't be very happy and assume that either I'd become very boring or we had a problem.

Hahaha, coolfonz is cool!

Seriously though, I hate it. My DH does it too, not as often by the sounds of it but often enough to be annoying. He also zones out and then gets cross when I 'haven't' told him stuff. Of course, I have. Cue big fight.

To be fair, I wonder whether some men have more of an issue blocking out the white noise of kids and family life so they can't listen attentively in the same way women can. It's a bit like multi-tasking!

BM78 waits for a punch on the nose

My FIL does it too but he really is deaf and refusing to wear a hearing aid...