Is there ever no need to answer or respond when someone speaks to you??? Please help settle this dispute...

[Whitetara]

Please help me to get some perspective on this as it's causing horrendous rows and misunderstandings.

The issue is quite simply that I require some kind of acknowledgment that what I have said has been heard, e.g. a nod, an "ok" or some other simple or complex response depending upon the situation.

My husband on the other hand, does not agree. This means that when I say things to him that he does not think warrant a reply, such as a comment or remark, he will simply remain silent. The problem is that I think he has not heard me and so I end up repeating myself. He then responds, "I heard you", in an irritated tone, and goes on to say that he thinks that I should expect him to have heard.

Thing is, I have no idea for sure if he has heard or not and so end up repeating myself anyway.

Last night it came to a head, when I'd made a double quantity of some special Japanese stock to use for tonight's supper, using up all of a particular dry ingredient that needs ordering on line. I told him something along the lines of leave it there on the side (I can't remember exactly the wording) and got no response. Using his logic I "assumed" he'd heard. He hadn't (!), and I found out later he'd poured the whole lot down the sink. I was pretty annoyed.

He then said that it was my fault for not "making sure" he'd heard, if it was that important.

He was still adamant that there is no need to "respond" if no "response" is needed and he has heard what I've said. I completely disagree and think he's being completely unreasonable. What do you reckon?

Hello OP. I'm with you here, I just don't think it's acceptable to remain silent.

Communicating isn't simply the act of trasmitting information, as your DP must believe if he doesn't believe he has to reply.

It's essential in good listening that we indicate by looking at someone that we're giving them our attention and also that we give other signs that we're listening, including, at times, repeating back the most information. He must know this.

I get very disoriented if I don't feel someone is focussing on what I'm saying.

The hearing impairment theory may be relevant - any thoughts?

I thought your thread title would be about things my toxic sister says to me...don't respond to that-don't respond to that-leave it....

However my husband does this. He absently/reflexively does the agreement response:

The other night he was watching the moronic channel about car repos. I said, "What are you doing? Scrubbing up for a second career?" He said, "Yes, um-hum..." to which both our teenagers cracked up and had a good 10 or 15 minutes of what dh would be like as a repo man. What a hoot!

If something is very important, I will use the conversation set up of "Dh, I have a message for you; are you ready to receive it?"

Thanks for the thread, I'm glad I'm not the only one dealing with this, too.

I try to use humor to get through it, obviously. We are both 'quiet' types so there isn't alot of chit chat going on.

It is ultimately disrespectful, and with so little said around here, it seems to be magnified a bit for me. I feel invisible when he does it and that is one of my triggers for a self-esteem jab.

I now confront him and state plainly -even in front of the dc-"you are not listening to a single word I say". Sometimes he admits it and apologizes, or he'll throw back half a phrase and guess-and bless him- will actually be embarrassed if he is wrong.

I can get past that he didn't listen because of all the distractions/reasons previously mentioned, and maybe I was interupting something he was doing. But I feel better when I stand up for my self and identify the dynamic in the moment.

He does care about me and respect me. This communication dance is, I think, the result of prolonged fatigue/job stress. And just a little bit (trying to be nice) of influence from his dad's chauvanistic tendencies.

What about not replying to him when he speaks?

And if he repeats himself - Say in a cross way "I heard you the first time" and if he objects, point out that you are only doing what he does.

Another annoying, irritating, murder-inducing thing my DH does is this:

me - "have you seen that new school they're building?"

dh - "um"

me - "you have?"

dh - goes starry eyed and smiles

me - "have you seen it, the school?"

dh - "school school, school "

me - WTF??

dh - "schooool "

me - "yeah ok = fucking wierdo"

In other words he has no idea what I've just said, but he remembers me mentioning a few select words so he repeats them back to me in a jokey piss taking way so it looks as if he heard me. I swear, I could honestly strangle him when he does this.

My OH does this too - but usually as a controlling thing. He never did it when we started dating but as soon as we moved in together I started to notice it. His Mum is a total control freak too and all conversations are geared towards her when she is around. I have noticed she does this silent treatment to her OH too. All the bloody time unless UNLESS the conversation is centred on her or about how wonderful she is.

It is completely disrespectful. My OH does not do this to his friends. He is complete opposite with them in fact. Obviously he wants everyone to think he is Mr Amazing but he's already got me under his control so he no longer has to show me any respect... And I am still here even though I know this

Oops I meant to say he seems to do it more if he has fallen out with me for some reason he doesn't want to share so when I am speaking he just completely blanks me and if I dare to say "are you listening?" he will suddenly turn his full attention to me and ask me if I need to have someone look directly at me, nodding and ignoring what they are doing just so I can feel "important" so I usually try not to speak when he is in this mood...

Strange thing is, my Dad used to say the exact same thing to my Mum and I remember thinking how unreasonable he was being because yes, if someone is talking to you, you should look at them and nod if you understand etc like they do with people who they want to impress and haven't already got under their control...

Sorry for the rant - I know some people do it as an annoying habit but not in my case I wish I was stronger....