Is there ever no need to answer or respond when someone speaks to you??? Please help settle this dispute...

[Whitetara]

Please help me to get some perspective on this as it's causing horrendous rows and misunderstandings.

The issue is quite simply that I require some kind of acknowledgment that what I have said has been heard, e.g. a nod, an "ok" or some other simple or complex response depending upon the situation.

My husband on the other hand, does not agree. This means that when I say things to him that he does not think warrant a reply, such as a comment or remark, he will simply remain silent. The problem is that I think he has not heard me and so I end up repeating myself. He then responds, "I heard you", in an irritated tone, and goes on to say that he thinks that I should expect him to have heard.

Thing is, I have no idea for sure if he has heard or not and so end up repeating myself anyway.

Last night it came to a head, when I'd made a double quantity of some special Japanese stock to use for tonight's supper, using up all of a particular dry ingredient that needs ordering on line. I told him something along the lines of leave it there on the side (I can't remember exactly the wording) and got no response. Using his logic I "assumed" he'd heard. He hadn't (!), and I found out later he'd poured the whole lot down the sink. I was pretty annoyed.

He then said that it was my fault for not "making sure" he'd heard, if it was that important.

He was still adamant that there is no need to "respond" if no "response" is needed and he has heard what I've said. I completely disagree and think he's being completely unreasonable. What do you reckon?

I don't understand how you even got married with his attitude

does he do the same thing at work? if his boss speaks to him does he never reply? does he reply to his mates when they speak to him?

if this were me I would never ever reply to a single thing he said until he learned some manners and respect.

Both DH and I do it sometimes. I just zone out. I guess he does the same.

And be honest, do you never fail to respond to a chattering child? I willingly admit that I do - I have to to retain my sanity!

We do this sometimes. I do not always answer when DP says something - particularly if it requires a bit of thought before answering. Likewise she is a bit of a teenage boy and gets absorbed into things and doesn't hear anything else.

On the other hand, a lot of women (and some men) just want to witter the fk on and expect their partners to hang on to every word.

And, frankly, occasionally, it's just not that interesting (no offence)

Excuse ignorance here but what does coolfonz mean with the full stop? Is it a dig at my post or thread in general? Sorry if its at me for whatever I did.

Chill. He's being funny. As in haha not off. Nothing to do with your post in partic.

I assume...

LOL at Anniegetyourgun...I could very almost hear him saying that!

Thank you for all of your really interesting replies; I'm glad I'm not the only one. DH does have a slight hearing issue in his left ear from a previous head injury (which might explain some of his communication issues), but that's ok if I can make a fair guess of the times when he really hasn't heard. It's knowing the difference that's the problem.

I have tried to point out the difference between hearing and listening and that hearing is more physiological whereas listening more, I suppose, emotional/involved and he did agree with me. To be honest the blazing row we had prior to that illuminating point had felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall.

He told me that he'd never had a problem like this before with anyone, but then, as Chazsbarmeyarmy points out, his friends have been mostly blokes and probably don't do the same kind of conversations that we do.

He is loving in other ways, but he does have a rather gauche communicative style, unfortunately.

Initially, he refused to make any effort to change saying this is what he's like and he would "try" but not to expect too much (in so many words). However, when I pointed out the listening/hearing difference he did agree with my point. He's still a bit non committal on whether he can actually reform his behaviour as he seems to think it's an intrinsic part of him, or that he will probably forget.

Just a bit off topic, to illustrate his gauchness, one of the first things he asked my parents was if they were still sleeping together ; he meant it in a literal way, and it hadn't occurred to him how it might be interpreted, as his parents were elderly and had been in separate bedrooms for some time. My mother was a little taken aback to say the least! But that's an example of his gaucheness (though he has improved after my, ahem, training). I do wonder, though, what the impact of his head injury might have on this type of behaviour though.

I find that when dealing with situations like this I say the same to any man as I do to my darling son. I say "I have something important to say so please turn your listening ears on" and I demand a physical response to this. That way, they know that you need them to listen and they communicate their listening to you. Sad but true.

My DP is the same as the OPs. I find it quite ignorant and it infuriates me sometimes - as others have said, he wouldn't do it to anyone else, so why me?

I also have to treat him like a child, as in:
"Did you hear what I just said? What was it then?"

YANBU it's just common curtesy. My DP does exactly the same thing and sometimes stares off into the middle distance as I'm talking. So rude! I blame it on his mother upbringing.

I just repeat myself until I've got some acknowledgementand sometimes I conducts pop quiz on what I've been saying. His manners are improving!

Sometimes I conduct A pop quiz (blame the amazing predictive power of the iPhone!)

I've laughed reading this because it's my partner and my dad! My dad is deaf, old age deafness though so can't blame it all on his hearing and hearing aids haven't improved the situation.

Has anyone read "Why Men Don't Listen"?

IF you think it's laziness/selfishness rather than actual deafness, try saying stuff that, if the person doesn't respond, s.he will lose out. And do so repeatedly. 'So i'm making a cup of tea, want one?' IF no response, make tea for yourself only. Etc.

Some things other than deafness can make men not hear. My DS (note son not husband) actually takes an age to reply sometimes, he has problems processing so sometimes it take for ever for him to understand. If we keep asking questions he just overloads and explodes. However if he was in a less understanding environment, like when most DHs were at school, he would be called "stupid" "dumb" "Cat got your tongue boy"; he might build up resistance to admitting he hadn't heard or hadn't worked out an answer yet.

My DH sometimes doesn't listen, usually when he is stressed. However he now knows he will be teased, ever since he denied ever having heard about his Aunts Wedding Anniversary party, even though I'd told him and he had responded months before. Try using humour. Do try to get them to have their ears tested. And maybe explain in "I" language especially if it is not pig ignorance, but years of bad training.

BTW I once had a BF who didn't listen, but kind of recorded conversations, so you could say "What did I just say then?" And he could repeat it back word for word.

DH does this, smoetimes says "well it wasn't a question" but I just want acknowledgement.
In fairness he does admit it's a problem so doesn't mind me doing the toddler check "What did I just tell you??"

YANBU

I am at the amount of Dhs who do that! That would drive me mad!
My Dh sometimes says "sorry I was not listening" or "can you tell me again later, I am a bit tired" but I never feel totally ignored. I think it is rather rude as well.(unless hearing problems obviously)

I dont find it funny at all.
I think it is very disrespectful. It would make me very

OP someone earlier asked if he does this to his boss or colegues. I think it is a good point.

I have a DH exactly the same.

I don't think its a symptom of a problem in our relationship as he has been doing it for the whole 12 years we've been together.

It is just bloody annoying!

If you find a cure I'd be delighted!

There's no cure unfortunately, domesticsluttery they're missing an X, there's nothing you can do about it.

DH does exactly the same - doesn't respond and then gets cross when I've repeated something he has heard already.

I told him the other night that he would make his life a whole lot easier if he just responded to my question/comment as he would avoid having to listen to me repeat it again. He does the same with the kids - they have to tell him something four times or so before he responds. It remains to be seen whether my request is met with action!

Otherwise we have a good marriage - I think he is just slightly rubbish at communicating/in his own world.

I'm afraid i do this.

My excuse is that I'm normally stoned when I do it the most, so that's ok. Other times it is tiredness. Or both. Or both and some wine. Or both and some wine and the TV/radio is on.

Sometimes the missus is just, well, going on a bit about fuck all.

Another thing is if I'm reading/watching TV/listening to the radio then it doesn't matter I have to pay attention straight away. My Mum does that as well. If i ever wanted to read a newspaper it would take me about 2 weeks

god I hate men.

"I've got a job interview"

---

"Dave?"

---

"DAVE"

"WHAT?"

"I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW!"

"um"

"DID YOU HEAR ME???"

"WHAT?? I'm concentrating on this ... (big brother ) but I heard you, job interview, ok"

"well a response would have been nice!"

---

"sigh"

---

---

---

"do you have anything planned tomorow?"

"YES, THE FOOKING JOB INTERVIEW!"

"Oh?? you have a job interview?? when???"

OH PLEASE! FORGET IT!!

So you have to make sure he's heard you and if you don't then anything that might happen as a result of you not checking that he's heard you is your fault - but when you speak, he doesn't have to reply and you are to assume you have been heard? that doesn't even make sense! How are you supposed to "make sure he's heard" if he gives no reply to indicate he's heard?

Ask him how you are supposed to make sure that he has heard you! How you are supposed to tell the difference between no reply from him because he's heard you and decided no reply is required and no reply from him because he hasn't heard you?

Sorry, but he's a very rude and ignorant man.

Of course you deserve some sort of acknowledgement that you have spoken!

HQOW - Exactly my point! How indeed? I put this to him and his answer was that I should know through "knowing him" and "context" .

Citrus81. Yes, that's the one. To the word.

Just read thread title out to partner with a face to which he said, "Well, I hope no-one repsonds to that" I get you. I got you without even having to read your OP.