Fuckity fuck. He's an arse. I know he is an arse, everyone else loves the arse. Damn I need to leave but how?

[howmanykidsinmygarden]

I need someone who can come and hug me give me practical advice about leaving an emotionally abusive arse partner who holds all the purse strings.

I have 3dc, two are preschool age, no job, no access to money, and no family near by due to his career.

I live in a relatively rural village and have no real friends or support. He holds a good job locally earning decent money, is a doting father, has never been violent and is well liked in our community.

Its all so bloody perfect on the surface, but, I'm walking on eggshells and cant see a a way to change things I feel sooo trapped.

I am a serial lurker who posts here irregularly under different names, for fear of being outed. Please don't ignore me.

are you in the uk?

If you are a lurker, then you may have seen links to Women's Aid

Are you safe?

you will go straight onto income support/tax credits....you will soon have money if you leave. dont let that put you off.

Can you make one of those free taster appointments (the exact terminology escapes me) with a solicitor.

Also CAB which will point you in the right direction.

I can't advise as I've yet to work out how to leave mine. But although I know it's not a funny situation to be in here's a little tip to put a smile on your face (and it really does work).

When he's pissed you off a lot - clean something with his toothbrush. Don't tell him, just rinse it and return it to it's holder. And don't use cleaning stuff, just water.

You will smile. Particularly when you watch him clean his teeth the following morning.

I am safe, relationship has never been physical. Just feel like I'm on a steady decline, where I see the light at the end of the tunnel but then it turns out to be a bloody great big train.

Thank you for replies. Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to get a CAB appointment, nearest office is 25 miles and it would take a lot of explaining about petrol money and mileage on the car to sort out.
Ditto womens aide who I have spoken to, and have been a great help mentally, but not practically

I have no where to leave to go to. So don't know how to register for income support/tax credits.

That is the problem, I want to leave, I need to leave but I have absolutely no-where to go to. I have enough money to put about half a tank of petrol in the car and that's about it. No money for nappies food or somewhere to stay.

Some times I feel like bundling the kids up and driving until I run out of fuel then just hoping someone will help, obviously I cant do this.

I am in a sort of similar-but-different situation. Have a hug ((((((()))))))

Can you start planning/squirrelling money away - just so you have enough to go and to stay somewhere until you can get accommodation? Can you have something else to do one day that happens to be near a CAB? Can Women's Aid not help you with a solution if you're already speaking to them? What about your family - do you have a sibling you can confide in? If you want to go and you're ready to go, you will be strong enough to find a way of doing it. Even if it takes time.

No access to money? How did you end up in this awful position? Are you an unpaid servant to this man?

Just walk out the door with the clothes on your backs - go to womens' aid.

Can you make a shopping trip / dentist appt or similar where the CAB is so you don't have to justify why you are travelling. Check also as some CAB do telephone and email advice.
Save up any spare cash you can and remember whilst you are doing this you are taking a step closer to your freedom. Can you buy a few extra items tins, pasta e.g. when there is a buy one get one free etc so you can build up a stash of stuff you can take with you?

Could you sell stuff on ebay secretly to raise some cash?

Hope things go easier than you expect, you really can just pack a bag and walk but it's frightening without any cash.

I have started squirrelling money, have been for a while. But its still not enough, to do anything or get anywhere. There aren't any excuses I could use to get to CAB.

The thing is the longer I leave it the more I know that he will be charming and persuasive and I won't work up the courage to want to leave again.

Thats where it is so frustrating. I am not physically abused, I live in a decent house, have access to a car, our kids are well cared for and want for nothing and dh can be so generous when it suits him. But that's the problem, I am fed up with things seemingly being so perfect to everyone else when I feel like crap and am treated like crap the majority of the time.

How the hell am I gonna do this?

You say you have no family nearby, but are they really that far away that they won't come and get you if you explain how bad things really are?

Genuine question, obviously if you are overseas it will be more difficult.

Does he know he is treating you badly? If the answer is yes, then you know the charming and persuasive won't last too long. Things will slide again - I suggest you think about how it will feel when he goes back to his old ways after a little while. Hold on to that feeling and use it to motivate yourself.
Speak again to WA on the phone and to the CAB if they do phone or email near you. Work out what financial support will be out there when you leave. You might find that you don't need as much get away money as you think especially if you also have some of the physical stuff like nappies stashed.

I don't do a weekly supermarket shop, we buy locally. He gives me cash to buy anything that is needed, and although he doesn't expect receipts (hes not that bad ) there is never much money left over.

Yes msboogie, yes, I am by all means an unpaid servant in some respects I guess, not that I'm proud of the fact. How did I end up in this position? God only knows! isolation? lack of self esteem? a strange sense of miss placed love? years of a gradual shift in roles?

I really could not simply walk out the door in the clothes I'm wearing. I live too far from anywhere.

Thanks for the hugs and practical advice, oh and at the toothbrush idea
and I'm sorry for anyone in similar positions.

God, this sounds awful! Yes, please ring AW again. Also phone the CAB and explain your situation, including that you can't get there. TBH some CAB staffers can be quite obsctructive - if you bump up against one of those, ring back at a different time!

Do you know where your nearest WA shelter is? If push came to shove, could you get there?

Can you "steal" money from your joint account?

Yes, take "housewife's revenge" if it cheers you up, but please don't fritter your life away on excuses why you can't leave ...

Do you have parents who have a car, wherever they are living?

Think about your DC; if this was happening to one of them and they called and asked you for help, wouldn't you do anything in your power to get them out?

I have been in a similar situation and it is v difficult to get out of it. As you don't have a huge amount of cash the only way to go in my experience is a refuge. I went in a newly built refuge flat. You can go in there with NO MONEY! Firsly you will be given a food pack even toiletries etc for your first few days. You will be helped to apply for benefits and housing benefit to the rent on the refuge. Once you are in the refuge you will be given help to apply for a coucil house and you will be priority for housing, it could take as little as 2 months depending on housing stocks available. A coucil house/flat is better than privatly renting as if you eventualy start work the rent on a coucil house is much cheaper. In five years you could apply to buy it and get on the property ladder. I was married to an accountant and this was the only way for me to get away, as I could not get the money together. I hope this helps good luck x

Just had another thought, about you getting away. Someone from the refuge can pick you up. The refuge I went to offered to send someone to meet me and the children. A place like a railway staion or park. Another thing I would like to mention is that if you are emotionally abused and not respected children pick up on this. The longer children are in this situation the more chance that there could be times when they act or say something and it seems like you have heard that before in your relationship. Children know when their mother is not happy even if you try to hide it. Stay strong you can get through this. Have a look on the web for a course called The Freedom Programme, to help you get on track and be able to spot warning signs in any future relationship. There is a book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven that you could read this is what the couse is all about. Wishing you good luck.

If you have no resources while waiting for benefits to come through you might be able to claim a crisis loan to tide you over.

Who has the CB and how is it paid? Could that be stockpiled? If he gives you cash could you plausibly claim to have lost it and need more?

He gives you just what you need for the shopping? He would notice the mileage on the car? That sounds bad ... blimey, just the fact that you don't have enough resources to pack up and go where you want sounds bad ... best of luck to you and your children and I hope you get to wherever you want to be soon.

(ItsGraceActually - I work for CAB and am ... if you meet an obstructive staffer complain ... CAB should take formal complaints very seriously. I work in the back office not the front and I know sometimes the front of house people are overwhelmed and I know it's easy for hellishly busy to come over as unhelpful, that's no excuse tho ... )

Your situation sounds very similar to mine just this time last year. Rural, controlling, no money etc. But you can get out - you only need to do it once.

Evamarie has the best advice I think and I would strongly urge you to do it now in the summer holidays as it's less disruptive for schooling (you have one school-age child?).

A refuge is the best and I think pretty much the only way for you to do this. WA are very keen to meet people face to face to arrange this like this and it was a very real problem with me as I couldn't get into town. I think it's really important that you try and find someone in RL you can talk to about this.

My other practical advice is to start keeping a diary - you will see that he's probably not as charming and generous as you think. It was only when I started writing it down that I realised how relentless the abuse was. You become desensitised.

Speak to WA again and tell them that you want a place in a refuge. It won't be in your local town anyway and they can come and get you/meet you.

Why dont you make some friends, dont they have play area in village? Its easy to make friends! Just smile and talk!

Am I missing something here?

What does he say when you talk to him? Does he want to stay together? Maybe he agrees that the relationship isn't working and would be prepared to move out? You may not need to leave at least in the short term if the kids are settled.

Many of us end up as housewives when that's not what we expected and we are deeply sad. And no one should be unkind.

Maybe the relationship can be saved (counselling? part-time job? moving to a town?) or maybe it can't and you need to split. But what happens when you talk to him about this?

I don't understand the need to raise the stakes by moving to a refuge if he's a doting father, never violent even if he is an arse.

Split up by all means but don't you need to talk to him first?

Yes do you have to leave and lose the house? Can he not go?