Fuckity fuck. He's an arse. I know he is an arse, everyone else loves the arse. Damn I need to leave but how?

[howmanykidsinmygarden]

I need someone who can come and hug me give me practical advice about leaving an emotionally abusive arse partner who holds all the purse strings.

I have 3dc, two are preschool age, no job, no access to money, and no family near by due to his career.

I live in a relatively rural village and have no real friends or support. He holds a good job locally earning decent money, is a doting father, has never been violent and is well liked in our community.

Its all so bloody perfect on the surface, but, I'm walking on eggshells and cant see a a way to change things I feel sooo trapped.

I am a serial lurker who posts here irregularly under different names, for fear of being outed. Please don't ignore me.

Free half hour at divorce solicitor an option?

Ryma What an incredibly unhelpful post .

Yes OP make friends and when you do within a few days tell them all about your husband abusing you and ask if they can put you up for a bit, lend you some money etc? Sure they won't run a mile at all.

OP I understand how you feel, you sound thoroughly trapped and defeated in your situation and when it is like that you get to the point where you just cannot see any way out. There is, there really is but it is bloody hard. You need to take one small step and then just keep moving. Contact WA, just get some advice even about the first step to take. I asked my ex to leave many many times and he never would, in the end he physically attacked me and I called the police and he has never lived here again since that day. One day something will tip you over the edge and you will manage to do it.

Have you spoken to the Housing Department at your local Council. If you are homeless, they can arrange temporary accommodation until you're housed.

Shelter is another organisation who may be able to give you some good advice.

Have you any family at all? Can you not just get into the car at the weekend, fill it with petrol and go and stay with them? Just because you leave doesn't mean that you can't

Get back into your home
Get access to your children

You won't be seen as a bad mother if you do this. Perhaps you need a week to clear your mind. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to want to do.

I agree with WhoKnew2010.

In saying that, however, my friend did do that- several times- and still ended up leaving anyway as she was so fundamentally unhappy.

It actually sounds very similar to her situation, without the rural bit.

I don't agree with celtic - don't leave the dcs behind. You don't want to create a status quo where your H is the main carer, because if it comes to a residence dispute later, the courts like to maintain the status quo.

1. Cash back appears on statements. Your only way to save money is to keep back a fiver every time you go shopping. Where do you get the child benefit paid to?

1. Do you think you might be depressed? If DH is a good and doting father and doesn't beat you and isn't, presumably, cheating, why is it that you want to leave? That is an open question - there might well be very good reasons but I would be interested to know what they are because perhaps you could then address those issues together eg you might find that he gives you cash for shopping just because that is what his Dad did for his Mum. He might check the mileage on the car because, well, he is a bloke and they can get a bit obsessed about stuff like that.

Perhaps you can say that you need more financial independence (take the pressure off him) to run the household budget and need a joint account? Perhaps you could talk to him about wanting more friends and company, and arrange to join, I dunno, the local yoga classes, and ask DH to babysit that night.

I know I may be out of line on MN where "leave your DH" is the ubiquitous advice but leaving/ divorcing/rushing to a refuge is very dramatic if you are simply feeling trapped and suffocated by having small children in a rural environment with no outside interests (I sympathise as that is rotten but NOT, alone, a reason to run away. Try instead to find a way to make it work. THEN leave if you are still miserable and it is DH's fault.

BTW if you leave then def take the children with you.

Good luck.

You will find two lines of advice here, I think. One is the 'it's emotional abuse, leave now, it's urgent' and another that says, split up by all means, you shouldn't stay if you're unhappy but think about what else about your situation may be making you unhappy as well as your DH. There may be nothing, it may just be him, but if it is more than one thing then perhaps you can either solve it together (eg all live in town together or when you do leave him you will make good choices about where to go and what to do next).

I think what I and Prosecco and goldenlife might collectively say is that it doesn't have to be anyone's 'fault'. If it's not making you happy and there's no chance of you being happy then split up, but perhaps there's a way of doing it that creates less drama and fear and uncertainty.

Relationships end, it's sad (and so many of us have been there or are nearly there). But there doesn't have to be someone to blame.

good luck (and apologies prosecco & goldenlife if I've misrepresented your views. I'm just one of the people who will also get flamed for feeling so unsure about the ubiquitious 'leave now, it's abuse' advice).

to some of the posts on here today. OP says she feels like she is walking on eggshells, feels trapped, that it's a steady decline, that she is scared and wants to leave. All her words.

She is asking for advice and support as to how to do this. She is not in a relationship where she can drive to the nearest town or go to a supermarket to do the shopping. He checks the petrol and gives her money for food.

How are any of you helping? Talk to him, go to counselling, go to yoga classes. I'm not flaming you but this is like saying I want to make a cake and you saying, well have you thought about buying sausages, they're lovely.

OP, you're scared, the fact that your husband turns on the charm and persuasion suggests to me that he knows exactly what he is doing. The shopping, the petrol, not being allowed to go off and do what you want for the day is all very familiar to me. I'm glad some of the posters here haven't experienced what it is like and so are offering this slightly off kilter advice. Keep posting and we'll keep listening and helping.

Take good care of yourself and your kids.

I think why it's difficult to advise on this situation is that it's not quite clear why the OP is unhappy with her DH. He's a doting father who has never been physically violent, and people are talking of refuge shelters.

Could the OP explain what the problem actually is?

Sorry its taken me so long to reply. Thank you for all who have taken time to post. All replies have been helpful, some more so than others.
I think from some replies there are people understand what is happening and so I will not go into much more detail as I doubt others would gain anything more from it or be able to give my any practical advice.
All I will say is that my relationship is not what I want my children growing up in thinking it is healthy. No amount of counseling would help even if by some miracle I could get him there. It has taken me years and years to finally realise this, and that no matter how much we talk and things might change for a while it will always revert back again.

I feel suffocated and lonely, not because I live in a rural place and have young children. But, because I basically live a lie.
Ryma I do have RL friends I do go to the park, and I am very good at smiling and talking. But they not real friends in the sense of I often find myself lying about things, in defence of my husband, to keep up his public persona. Yes WhoKnew2010, many women do unintentionally end up as housewives and become deeply sad. However, I feel my situation is beyond that of a normal SAHM or housewife, I feel controlled unequal, unsupported and as though I am constantly made to feel in the wrong about everything.

He is not a monster, he loves his kids dearly and has never been even close to violence. But he does have a manipulative darker-side to him that he hides nobody is aware of. In public things are different, he will be kind and generous and make an effort, but when we get home he will often become moody sulky and dismissive of me belittle me or purposely start arguments.

He does not give the help or support I ask for, he can not be relied up on to pull his weight in practical or emotional terms when it comes to myself the children or anything to do with the home. I am so fed up of they way he will openly lie to people about events or day to day life, which put him in a better light.

... And please before anyone says that a)I am depressed or b) I shouldn't expect him to come home and do everything, please please realise that neither of these are the case.

He is grinding me down and recently we seem to be having the same discussions over and over again where he realises he is out of order so will end up shouting at me about something completely different, deliberately trying to make me cry, so he can dismiss the argument by stating 'Its that time of the month' and saying I'm an emotional wreck. He tells me I'm mental if I raise my voice back. And and will say I'm unhinged if I just stay quiet. I have quite simply come to the conclusion that this is not normal. And no matter how many good points he has, how loving he is at other times or how good a dad he is I can not put up with it anymore.

Thank you for all support, at the moment I've reverted back to the ostrich method of coping. When I sum up the strength I shall pull my head out of the sand give WA another ring for advice. I do not want to be with him any longer as I cannot see thing realistically getting any better. But the logistics of actually leaving frighten overwhelm me.

howmanykids, I am really sorry felt you had to justify yourself on a thread you posted in search of support. Reading between the lines, you spend your whole life justifying yourself - though I hope you've stopped that, now you've realsied what's going on!

When my exes did that rewriting history thing, I used to do a or say things like "Really? I saw it differently". Didn't change anything, you understand, it was just my way of holding on to a shred of sanity.

Please do ring Womens Aid, and carry on putting your little escape bag together. You do NOT have to have the whole thing planned out in advance; most things can be sorted out later from a safe distance!

Take care

Oh goddness that was long! So sorry
I think I needed to get it out though. My marriage is so different to other peoples relationships, hell its so different to our earlier days!
It goes beyond asking for a joint account (we have one, long ago things were more normal, but I am no longer able to access this money)
It goes beyond making friends or getting out more (this would in fact probably make things worse)
It is beyond joining a yoga class (as he would probably do his utmost to make sure either, I couldn't get there or I would have to come home early because of some sort of 'emergency'
It is beyond asking him to leave (he never would, and plus the house is his through his job)
It is beyond staying with family (my mum died many years ago and I have had little to no contact with my father in the last 10years)
It is beyond talking things through now because I could talk till I'm blue in the face but fundamentally things will not change permanently.
Please understand I am not trying to take my Dcs away from their dad never to be seen again. But I need my independence back, I need to earn my own money and set up a home for us first. I just cant get how to actually leave.

ItsGraceActually I forgot to say thank you Just went off on another rank

Have you got any stuff you can sell?

Couriers will come and collect from the house or you can post when it fits in with shopping trips etc?

Just to increase the amount of money you squirrel away.

Probably get flamed for this, but I don't see the situation which you describe as requiring urgent action. I do think you should leave, but dare I say you can plan it without going immediately? (If he is violent to you and/or children my advice would be to go NOW).

I think you're assessment that it is his house and you have no stake in it is wrong- you're married to the guy. I honestly believe that your thinking in that it is solely his is incorrect.
Now I'm not saying you should fight for your share of the house, just that I don't think it's as simple as "It's his house, not mine" if married.

Oh bugger I think I meant rant I'm not rank I promise
Oh well least I made myself smile when I re read this

QueenofWhatever - my thoughts exactly.

howmanykids

You are currently cocooned in his fabricated world. But you know this (as does he) and in time, you're only option will be to leave. I think that time is getting closer reading your posts.

I have nothing to add to the good advice on here, ItsGrace in particular, so just want to wish you luck.

I hope you can find the strength and resources to leave sooner, rather than later, and with your DC so that you can rebuild an independent life.

Thank you again for all replies,

I suppose you are right, I don't need to leave urgently.

I am just so worried that things seem to be on a gradual decline, his behaviour is becoming more and more unbearable. I used to feel able to point out how controlling/nasty some of his more extreme behaviour is, he would be full of apologies and make an effort for a period of time. But recently everything is getting worse and I am mostly putting up with it for a quiet life, hes become good twisting things and playing mind games.

I am worried that if I don't leave soon I am never going to do it.
I guess I do need to stop just thinking I need to leave and try to think more practically.
The house by the way is not mine or Damned hs, it is rented through the company he works for as part of his contract. So I really wouldn't have a say on it even if I did want to stay here and try to get him to leave.
I thought about the joint account, but supposing the security question is still the same as when we set it up years ago and I could request a new card saying I'd lost mine, would they not have to send him a new pin aswell? or do each individual cards have a separate pin? I really honestly don't know
and how much could I withdraw from a joint account without him there? is there a limit? I would have to leave and do this straight away because I suspect he would phone and freeze the account as soon as he realises I have access to it.
How does Ebay work? would I need a bank account to register to it? would there be correspondence that come the house via post or is it all on line?

Sorry if I sound stupid.

Am I right in thinking from what you have said that you had a joint account , but along the way your access was stopped in some way?
Not a criticism BTW , jsut trying to get a handle on the options you have.

Hi. I can't help with most of your situation but I was reading this thread and I can certainly answer two of your most recent questions.

If you ask your bank for another card and a pin number, your h won't have to change his pin. If you can't answer the security question (I can never remember passwords and such like which I have set myself!) the bank can ask you other personal questions which you would know the answer to eg your DOB, his DOB, your address, a regular direct debit you make, etc.

Re ebay: you probably need a paypal account. They are pretty universal these days. It is easy to set up: follow the links on ebay when you register. The paypal money then gets paid (when you request it) into your bank account. You can thus access it. You will not get anything through the post from ebay. If you don't have a paypal account, buyers would have to send you money but with a paypal account it is all done electronically on the computer. Hope these answers help you.

Good luck.

Set up your own bank account anyway because at some point in the future you will need it, then link your paypal account to that.

Can you go to the bank with a couple of forms of id and draw money out over the counter? I have had to do this a couple of times when I have lost my card. Hope you find a way to leave soon.

Yes, and you'll often need a bank account anyway with Paypal because you need somewhere to withdraw the money to, iyswim.

I have spent a few days thinking about this thread, on and off. What I would do, how that could so easily have been me, etc.

I thought about convoluted ways in which you could speed the passage of your leaving. Like, if you have any friends anywhere in the country, posting important sentimental stuff to them to store so that you have less to carry. BUT ultimately without help from family or friends, you are realistically going to have to use women's aid.

I sort of know how it is. I ended up taking out a loan for three grand to fund the cost of moving out, and I'll be paying it off for the next three years. But it was worth it because I am free. I used XP's credit history to ensure the loan was approved, though (have been a SAHM for years). We took it out as a joint loan and I do all the repayments. Not ideal but the only way I could think of. And he knew what was going on obviously, and made the last few months sheer hell for me.

Basically, your council may well have a tenancy deposit loan scheme where they will loan you some or all of the cost of the deposit for a rental property. But they will inevitably write to you. So will housing associations, letting agents will phone you in the day when he is listening, you need to goo off to view properties and find an excuse for the time away, and at some point you will have to tell him you are moving because you will be packing stuff. Not to mention claiming for benefits etc, they will send you stuff in the post and he WILL probably end up seeing it.

If you look at this in purely practical terms, it doesn't make sense. What you should do is just go. Use the wonderful support that we are lucky enough to have in this country to ensure that you are collected from a station or location nearby with your children, just take important paperwork and a few small items of sentimental value, and forget the rest. You will build it all up again, it's just stuff. What is more important is that you will have escaped from him, from a situation that by the sounds of it is getting PROGRESSIVELY WORSE. This means in logical terms that it will, at some point, reach a point when your fears are realized and you ARE too weakened, demotivated and entrapped to ever leave. And by God, that would be terrible for you, not to mention your children. Don't let it get to that point. Take the last remains of your courage and drive and the scraps of the bright, confident person you no doubt once were and just leave. Phone WA, ask for help and then get the hell out of there. By all means plan this bit carefully, but don't dally. Ask for help, work out what you need to do, where, when. Get what you need. And then go.
Good luck