broken leg - big row with dh

[verysoreatm]

I'm recovering fron a broken leg atm. Still very sorea and v painful to walk evn with crutches so dh doing most things for me. Had row this eve, got very heated, shouty and nasty and he told me he wasn't going to help me anymore. I'd never stoop to that level with him, it's really hurt me. He's said since he didn't mean it, he felt unappreciated.

Sorry meant to add, am i being ott in being so upset about him saying he wouldnt help? To me it's a very low thing to do when somone is so vulnerable

Well its not very nice obviously.
But surely what matters is that he has been helping you (as he should) and will continue to do so.

Dont you ever say things you dont mean when you're pissed off?

Yes i do ! Just felt this comment was stooping very low

I think...

When you get injured or threatened you can feel surprisingly vulnerable and mortal and it really isn't very fair, you don't expect to be dependent on people and it feels awkward and difficult to be so. There's also pride, it wasn't your fault you were hurt and yet you have to be reliant on others and grateful and that can create a dichotomy of resentful and gratitude.

All in all which means, YABU but understandably so.

It's really hard caring for someone, even temporarily, they can be bloody annoying.

Say thank you, tell him to hang in there,tell him to be nicer even when its hard, tell you'll be better soon.

It's scary to watch someone you love be injured too. It wobbles you.

Its a crap situation for you both.
Lots of pressure.
Dont dwell on it, I imagine for it to have upset you this much he wouldn't normally say hurtful things?

Thanks Slur. Yes i really don't like being so reliant on him (esp as our relationship isn't great anyway, but that's another very log story). I am grateful for all his help and tell him so regularly. He's not mentioed being upset by seeing me this way, but then he rarely expresses anything much anyway - aprt from when angry

Just feeling so sad & sore atm

Thanks fws. He's said many hurtful things over the years, just feels worse as i'm so helpless atm

Well if he's said many hurtful things in the past, and your relationship isn't great, then that's the real issue, isn't it? Do you want to talk about that?

Thanks tortoise. I'm not sure really as not sure talking about the whiole relatioship will help. I know i have to make a decision one way or the other about whether to stay with him but it seems too much to talk about on here.

Things still bad this morning. I'd hardly slept and he came in to my room (separate rooms as more comfortabe for me with leg) and i asked him to go away. Probably shouldn't have been my first words to him this mornig with hindsight Things got worse from there.

I'd arrnaged for my mum to l0ok after ds today so as dh had to go into work. He accused me of arranging it for the wrong time and said he was just going to tur up an hour early as i wasn't to tell him waht to do. Told mum would get stressed if he turnd up when she wasn't expecting him (she gets very stressy !) and he was calling me a liar etc, all with ds around. He did make me breakfast and check if i wanted anything and has now gone.

To top it all leg very sore this morning Sorry for the moan, just feeling so low atm

I had a nasty injury a couple of years ago. Luckily have always got on brilliantly with OH. But I was really grumpy - not just because of the pain, but being dependent on someone else is horrid. My OH felt the strain too, as looking after an invalid and children is a bit much. It can test even a strong relationship, as you get used to the new circumstances.

From what you've said about the current situation, your OH seems to be doing a good job at looking after you really. And you seem to have been a bit mean to him too. I wouldn't have been upset about what he said in the heat of the moment, tbh, as he is actually helping. Better that than be really sympathetic and yet not lift a finger, imo.

As tortoise says, the real issue is what he's said in the past. If I were you, I'd try to be nice to OH, hopefully he'll then be nicer to you, and get through this nasty period. It won't last forever, and then you can see what you want to do long term. In the meantime you need to pull together against the enemy - your broken leg. Why make the temporary situation more difficult than it needs to be?

I just wondered if there was anyone there to talk to? I'm just stting in here unable to stop crying atm. I've split food on the duvet and can't even change it myself

Thanks cretaceous. Yes you're right the main thingis to get through my recovery atm. I'll try to be nicer to dh - he won't be back til late afternoon. It will be hard to be nice to him, esp after the way he spoke in front of ds

Just think, in a few weeks, you'll be up and about again. Who cares about food on the duvet? Do you need to change it? No! (unless it's something really really smelly.)

Have you got a pen and paper to hand? Write a list of things you plan to do when you're up and about again. Then a list of things you can do when stuck in bed. Are there any books you'd like to read?

Everyone who has a broken leg gets really down. It's such a miserable thing to have done. The worst thing is trying to go to the loo...

Txt your OH to say sorry re this morning (even if you're not!), as that'll get him in a better mood. It's a bit like being a prisoner, and you have to keep on the right side of the wardens . And remember, it isn't forever.

Yes the comparison to being a prisoner is so true. I can get out even if i want to.

Yes there's lots i want to do when i'm well again and ds will be starting school so that'll be my main focus in septemeber. i icked up my phone to text dh but can't bring myself to as he was so vile..It feels like i'm saying i think his behaviour was ok if i say sorry to him

Yes, I know what you mean. He was nasty - particularly as he has been in the past, which is the key thing. I'm just a natural apologizer, but then so is my OH . I'd say sorry, while counting off the days until I could sort everything out.

You just don't want to be stewing on all that, and then when he comes home getting in the same scenario again. You need to be concentrating on getting better.

It's good you've got a focus on September. I think you just have to go with the flow for a little while, and accept your prisoner status. Things will seem so much better, even in just a couple of weeks.

Thanks, yes i know i should be putting all my energy into getting better No i don't want any more nastiness when he gets home.

Which bit of what he did do you think was nasty? I'm to blame too aren't i

The bit when you said: "He's said many hurtful things over the years" I didn't think he sounded too bad from what you said otherwise . He might be really horrid, and what he said yesterday was just one more thing. Or he might not be horrid at all, and was just feeling down seeing you in pain. You can't really tell from your OP.

You're not well, so you're kind of entitled to be miserable though. I think it's a bit difficult to apportion blame from here.

Personally, I'd just concentrate on gritting my teeth, being nice and pleasant to get a better atmosphere (but then I hate conflict!), and see how it goes. The time'll pass really quickly, and when your leg's a bit better, you can then decide on your relationship. (I'm assuming he's not a wife beater here!)

PS I'm not saying you are to blame - just re-read my post and thought you might read that into it!

Thanks - no it's ok, i hadn't read that into it

I know i must just try to get through this. It's hard to be nice after he's said what he said, and shouted and ranted in front of ds

He can be nice, but can also be horrid.

Firstly, POOR YOU! I broke my leg 3 months ago and things are slowly getting back to normal.

When did you do it? The first 2/3 weeks are the pits and I felt so depressed about the loss of independence and to be honest every time I stood up the stitches were agony, and I felt sick and nasuseous almost constantly. I want to reassure you that IT DOES GET BETTER and you will feel normal again and it will happen sooner than you think.

My DH was great, then a bit rubbishm then great again. Partly I do think men are just not as naturally nurturing as women and they lose their patience, then feel guilty about it and then take out that guilt on you.
We had a MASSIVE row and in hindsight, DH was being a selfish arse but I was also being a bit pathetic because being so vulnerable does make you feel like that.

Could you write him a long email explaning how you feel? This is what I did and I expalined how vulnerable I felt and how awful that was for me (being a independent kind of gal!)

I also realised I needed to cut DH some slack, he was at work all day, then coming home to chaos and a weepy wife.

Are you taking Tramadol? I found this made me very low and weepy and switched to paracetamol.

Other tips relating to the leg - eat lots of protein and calcium, fruit and veg. Drink loads of water. Hold off on the coffee and the wine (can stop bones knitting together) and get plenty of sleep if you can.

Is your leg itchy? I took some concentrated fish oils called Nutri Eskimo and had NO itching at all, the doc could not believe it.

Keep strong, I think people underestimate how awful a lower limb injury is as you lose your arms as well as your legs because of the crutches. I used to look longingly out of the window at people walking down the street and promised myself I would never take anything for granted again. And I don't.

What have you broken by the way?
Have some un mumsnet hugs

But you also said "He's said since he didn't mean it, he felt unappreciated."

And then: "Things still bad this morning. I'd hardly slept and he came in to my room (separate rooms as more comfortabe for me with leg) and i asked him to go away."

And "He did make me breakfast and check if i wanted anything"

I'd focus on the bits where he can be nice, as that all seemed pretty nice to me.

Also have a look at Mybrokenleg.com for some other tips and some stories of people in a similar situation (try not to get scared about all the awful stories from people in the US where they seem to have a very odd healthcare system!)

Do you have any friends nearby? I was very brazen about asking for help and had someone over almost every day and I would ask them to bring me lunch/dinner etc.

They did not realise how awful it is but they do now. i will happily return the favour when they need me!

You also need to get a good DVD box set to while away the time. I had to stay in bed with my leg raised for 2 weeks only going to the loo!

Thanks susie, and poor you too for breaking yours.

I broke mine 6 weeks ago. Came out of plaster yesterday and have been moved to a removeable boot which i can try to weght bear on. Can only manage a couple of very small steps atm. Doctor saud bones had healed ( istayed off the wine all the time with cast on). had a ver small glass to celebrate removal of the cast yesterday. Ten what should have been a happy day really (as healing going well) turned into a dreadful one

I had a number of breaks and had to have surery to insert plates ad screws.

Hello verysoreatm - sorry you're stuck in bed feeling like crap. TBH it sounds like you are wanting to say more about your DH's behaviour to you in general. Does he put you down a lot in front of your DS/alone? Does he insult you, swear at you? Do you work usually? I was wondering whether being stuck at home is forcing you to confront more of his true colours.

OTOH it must be tiring looking after you and DS - a lot of people would get stressed and cross. But this only works as an excuse if he's usually nice.

Just remembered very clearly that we did arrage fords to got to mums at the time i thought. H even said last night if its for that timyou'll have time to get dressed, showered, ech before h goes. He's done this before, twisting the truth to so i end up doubting myself