broken leg - big row with dh

[verysoreatm]

I'm recovering fron a broken leg atm. Still very sorea and v painful to walk evn with crutches so dh doing most things for me. Had row this eve, got very heated, shouty and nasty and he told me he wasn't going to help me anymore. I'd never stoop to that level with him, it's really hurt me. He's said since he didn't mean it, he felt unappreciated.

You poor thing! I had the boot too (and the pins) it sounds like we had a very similar injury.

The boot is fab, I started using it with the crutches and then slowly transferred more and more weight on it. You will progress really quickly now and looking back I would say you are over the worst! Honestly soon you will have your hands back and that is just amazing, you can do so much more.

It did take me a while to find the right pressure though (with the inflatable thing)

What sort of things does your DH say to you normally? Is this behaviour out of character?
Don't underestimate the massive upheaval you have both gone through. I was so cross andresentful with DH (he could go to work and make himself a coffee after all!) at times I could barely look at him and he had not really done anything wrong!

When my cast came off, I was expecting to be running along happily as before. It was an awful shock (to me and OH) to discover that that was only the first step (excuse the pun), and I couldn't actually even move my leg. I think that after the elation of the cast coming off, you then have the new realisation that there's still a way to go. It's bound to get you down. It's the same for everyone in your situation. You've made brilliant progress, but you're still an invalid and must be kind to yourself.

Oh yes I remember that feeling well.
In fact the leg does not even feel as though it is attached to your body.
Oh the hairyness is really awful!

Hi Elephant. I fully appreciate it's tiring for him working and looking after ds and have told him i'm grateful.I've tried to arrange to other people to look after ds as much as poss to help.

I think maybe you're right. I've had alot of time to reflect on our relationship. He does't often insult me, only sometimes if we're arguing. He can be very rude, dismissive though. Sometimes, doesn't bothering to acknowledge me when i speak, if i ask him to do something a certain way, he'll agree then do it differently without telling me, he apparently "forgets" alot of things, and as i said in an ealier post twists things so i doubt my own recollection of events.

Yes that's how my leg feels - like it's not even attached to my body! Like it doesn't belong to me

Susie, you said you had a row with dh when you were like this - do you mind me asking what happened?

That does sound worrying especially not acknowledging you.

I would definitely wait until you are fit and healthy and re-appraise the situation then because at the moment its unlikely you are thinking with a clear head.

Can you try and book something fun to do together so you have something to look forward to? Even if you are feeling murderous towards him could you order him a little present online to say thank you for all the help? SOmetimes a change in dynamic can just clear the air.

That doesn't sound very nice at all, and please don't think I'm telling you to be more "grateful" - this kind of thing is all part and parcel of being family, and i'm sure you would do the same for him (you know, the basics like feeding you - not exactly above and beyond is it).

He sounds like he doesn't have much respect for you - have things always been like this or has he changed? What do your friends and family think of him?

Btw if you are unable to look after yourself and he did neglect to e.g. feed you, that would be abusive behaviour. I am worried that he was threatening you with that last night to keep you afraid. Hope my fears are unwarranted though.

Thanks susie. i could arrange something but that's another issue as I arrnage 99% of what we do, despite me having said to him how much i'd like hm to arrnage things himslef sometimes - even just a meal out that he arrnages every couple of months. We've even discussed this in counselling but he "forgets"

I did actually say to him before we went to hospital it'd be nice to have a night out when i'm better.

Yes, i agree i need to wait until we're back in our usual routine before making any big decsions but in way it's good this has given me time to think - not that's i'd ever have wished this situation on myslef or anyone

For the leg - I spent the first 2 days just massaging it and moving it up and down to make it feel real again!

The row - it was HUGE. Resentment had been building for a while, I was in pain and depressed. He was tired and fed up.
He said he was going to the gym on saturday and I went nuts because I wanted him to spend some time at home. We were both right and wrong because he deserved some time to himself and I felt lonely and vulnerable.

I was also beginning to feel as though he was getting fed up with helping me and that made me feel so vulnerable. I also could not help but compare thinking how I would behave in the situation. Whereas he did the minimum he could I would have gone the extra mile - gone to get him a dvd, cheered him up. I sort of felt that his feelings should be put on hold for a few weeks and I did not need any stress but to focus on getting better.

We had it out and it did clear the air. I also started to get stronger and able to at least make myself a cup of tea! I also leaned heavily on friends and family to ease his burden. I tried to focus on the positives, in reality he was doing a lot but I was not really thinking straight. I expected him to look after me like my mum would!

I have come to the conclusion that you can't possibly understand what it is like unless you have been through it. I still don;t think DH realised how awful it was and proabbly thinks I was making a fuss.
I also just don't think men generally have as much patience and empathy as women in these kinds of situations.

I agree with susie - I know I didn't have a clear head.

You don't mention that you love your OH. Now you have a DS, do you do much together as a couple?

It almost seems like you don't communicate.
"if i ask him to do something a certain way, he'll agree then do it differently without telling me" Maybe he just goes along with what you say for the easy life. It depends what sort of things you are talking about here. You may each have a different way of doing some things and it doesn't matter that he does it a different way. Why should he do it your way? Other things are deal-breakers.

Maybe he does forget a lot of things. Or maybe he is twisting things. It's all kind of difficult to tell.

We are fine now by the way. If anything a bit stronger. I think he realised how much I did around the house and generally (organising social life etc) and our relationship is a bit more balanced.

I do think communication is key here.
Have you anyone in real life that can give you some practical and emotional support?

Sometimes you just need to have a bit of cry and feel sorry for yourself.

"I also just don't think men generally have as much patience and empathy as women in these kinds of situations." Totally agree. My OH wouldn't expect to be pampered if he was ill, and equally he didn't expect me to expect pampering iyswim. He did an excellent basic job but I'd have cooked him special meals, bought him chocolate, mopped his brow etc. When I mentioned it, he thought I was being really demanding, as he was doing the cleaning, looking after the children, going out to work etc! In his eyes, that was showing he cared, but I wasn't really so bothered about the cleaning.

I don't feel he has much respect for me really. He does do alot of nice things: gets up early most weekend with ds so i can lie , played in the pool with ds on holiday so i could sunbathe, arrnaged to do some of his work at home while i'm recovering.

Creatacous - what did you mean about "other things are deal breakers"

Yes h is th esmae - doing the practical things but nearly zero emotional support. I arrnaged for us to have a cleaner while i'm like this to take some of the pressure of him

Oh yes, we have been there haven't we Cretaceous! No chocs for me

verysoreatm it sounds like he DOES a lot to honest. But perhaps its the way he SPEAKS to you that bothers you ? Why do you say he has not much respect?

If you have different expectations. For example, if you want your child to be a vegetarian, and it's important to you, but your OH goes and buys him a hamburger without telling you and asks him to keep it quiet. That'd be a deal breaker.

But if you like to wash up using Fairy Liquid, and he agrees for a quiet life, but then you discover he's using an Own Brand. In that case, you'd wonder why he was too scared to tell you he wasn't following "orders" iyswim.

Does that make sense?

Yes it is the way he speaks which upsets me alot. I've mentioned it countless times over the years - it never changes.

I say he does't have much respect because he often only sees things from his side and doesn't consider the impact it's having on me. An example is that a few years ago he stated snoring after putting on a stone or so. It kept me awake , i was getting more and more tired. Eventually i asked him to go to the doctors. The dr siad that just losing the extra stome should help alot he did nothing about it. i bought him, sprays, patches, encouraged him to exercise (which he did a bit - mainly when reminded)researched what might be the proble, - he did nothing. In the end we ended up in separate rooms as i couldn't deal with the lack of sleep. he said i just didn't want t sleep with him because i thought he was fat (which i he is't, just a bit overweight)

tbh, I'd be a bit upset if I were him from what you've said. Perhaps you're just not well-suited, which is no-one's fault. It sounds like he's trying to do his best. Losing a stone is quite hard, and all that encouraging you did kind of looks like you weren't happy with him as he was.

You said this all took place a few years ago. Was it that moment that your feelings for him changed? You just don't sound like you love him that much, or that you communicate that well.

Don't dwell on what I've said though, because I'm no doubt wide of the mark. And it's easy to dwell on things when you're bed-bound.

I'm always a bit suspicious of men who are good at emotional support. I think they often tell you what you want to hear. I'd rather have someone who was good at practical support, and my women friends give me plenty of emotional support. But everyone's different.

It's not all all that i was hapy with him, i wasn't happy with him keeping me awake! If he'd made an effort, acknowleged that it was causing a problem, that would have been different. If someone tries and fails, i think it's very dfferent to not ahving tried at all

i've just sent him a text to say I'm sorry. Also asked if we can have a chat wehen he's ready. I've said i won't shout and hope he won't too. How does that sound?

It looks like there are a few deeper problems. But FWIW, my DH injured his back and then broke his foot when my second child was three months old. A part of me thought that it was partly his own fault and I felt angry towards him. I seethed silently as I felt really unreasonably but it did not change how I felt!

I know exactly where you are coming from with the feeling very low. I too am laid up with a broken leg at the moment.
My husband has been brilliant but lets just say that youfind out who your friends are. (or aren't in my case

Buy some earplugs.

Oh dear Tortygirl, you poor thing!

I was really suprised at who came over and called and who did not. Lets just say it was actually NOT the people I was expecting.

Has totally changed my perception of some people and I must admit, I will not be putting myself out for them!

Hugs to all the broken people, it will get better

Poor you Torty, when did you break your?

When dh got hom he made lunch and i asked if he was ready to talk. When reminded he did rememeber what time ds was due at my mums and said sorry. I told him that i will not accept being spoken to again and i didn't agree to giv our relationship once last chance(after we finished counselling) to have him talk like that, esp in fron of ds. Also asked how he's feel if ds talked to hi gf when oldr like he spoke to me. Said he wouldn't like it. I told him he would follow his example, just as dh has followed his dad's example - his dad can be very rude and condescending to his mum