is my OH having a headfuck affair or am I being totally paranoid? HELP

[dancerinthedark]

Hi there
I'm going mad and need a bit of advice. My husband worked very closely with a woman last year...a younger woman. I have met her and she flirts badly. I rose above it and decided not to be bothered. Later, he was vile to me for a while and I challenged him about this younger woman. He confessed that there had been 'a conversation' in which he had told her he had strong feelings for her. He then, decided that this was just a moment of confusion and he didn't mean it after all. They still work together here and there and by the nature of the job, have contact alot via phone/email/facebook etc. and sometimes face to face. A good few months after the first 'storm', in a moment of extreme paranoia I checked his phone messages (really out of character for me, I'm usually very dignified when the chips are down) I discovered one from her saying 'I love you xxx'. I challenged him and he said it was just how she was, she was being a daft hippy etc...I half believe him but I feel very unhappy that he thinks he can continue an intimate friendship that hurts me in such a way. It has upset the balance of our relationship. He refuses to see that the whole thing undermines me, her flirtatious manner disrespects me, he loves his ego getting a good massage and I feel like shit.
What do I do?
Advice and different perspectives would be so appreciated....I am of course hurt, furious, paranoid, loving mother to our 2 children, etc.....

Um.

I don't think people send messages saying "I love you" unless they're having some sort of relationship with the recipient. A gushy type might say "Love ya" or "Darling" but "I love you" is a bit different. Especially when he's already told her he has strong feelings for her.

It's possible that she is trying to take things further and he is rebuffing her. But then if that were the case, I'd have thought he'd have said that to you.

Sorry but I think you should investigate further, in any way you can. It is not "undignified" to do some checking up when you have a good reason.

Hope it all turns out to be nothing though for your sake.

I'm sorry, I have to go now, but I'm sure others will be along soon.

Sorry, but I think (and I think you know) that your suspicions are correct.

Unfortunately it looks to me like he's having an affair. If he wasn't he would have told her not to send him things like this and would certainly not have kept them.
He is being unreasonable to expect you to just out up with it and I agree with Minipie that you need to investigate further, and find out one way or another.

Nope, 'daft hippy' she is not, shagging your husband she probably is.

He has absolutely no respect for your feelings here. If he did, he would have said "Okay dear, I'll explain to her that saying those things to me makes you very uncomfortable and have her stop". Assuming of course that she was just a 'daft hippy' and she said those things to everyone. But she is not, therefore he won't say it, because he doesn't want her to stop saying it.

I am hoping against hope that a poster called Loves2Walk will come onto this thread, but if not, do a search on her name and see her story. It's a long thread, but do read all of it - it could have been made for your situation.

This is wrong on so many levels and you are not -repeat not - paranoid at all.

I'm afraid this seems to have followed the tried and tested affair script. An opportunity presents and in order to justify having an affair, he is vile to you in order to reduce your connection. Any concerns expressed by you are turned against you in a way that's intended to make you feel in the wrong, paranoid and suspicious.

He has only admitted anything after a lot of questioning and after you'd found that grossly inappropriate text. I would imagine there is much more to find out.

Okay, first up you need to give yourself permission to object to this strongly. You feel threatened and no amount of telling yourself that you should be "cool" about this is going to stop that very sensible inner voice telling you that this is unacceptable.

The only friends worth having are those who don't threaten your marriage.

So you state calmly and clearly that this friendship threatens you (as no doubt it would your H if you were getting "I love you xx" texts from a younger man and hiding them) and that it stops right now.

Buy a book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and suggest he reads it too.

The above is a must if you are to get the a healthy dynamic back in your relationship, but there is another issue that I think needs resolving too.

I think you need to know whether there has been a physical affair, as well as an emotional one. The latter is in no doubt, you see.

If she was just being a pain and he cared for you he'd tell her straight.

If he cares for her more than you or is having an affair he won't.

I'd confront him and show him the door.

Oh dear

You are not really falling for his bullshit are you, love ?

I am afraid you are being made a mug of

I don't think the 'i love you' is the problem. I would have chucked him out for the "there had been 'a conversation' in which he had told her he had strong feelings for her"!

God, poor you. I would be livid/hurt/scared in your position. I really can't believe a woman would text 'I love you' unless she meant it in that way and was pretty confident the man wouldn't laugh in her face and tell her to piss off. He must be encouraging her even if he isn't actually 'doing' anything with her. You are right-probably loves having his ego massaged - but at your expense???? V unfair and in my mind not that far off actually betraying you.

nip it in the bud and put your foot down-say you want the truth and are not having all this 'hippy' talk-mention counselling/leaving/calling her or a mutual friend to find out truth and he will probably spill the beans about what is actually going on - least you will know then.

He's sleeping with her.

I was here 6 months ago.

DP wanted admitted he was in love with another woman - but that it was one sided. He admitted that given the opportunity he would sail into the sunset with her and leave me...start again...but that wasn't going to happen.

I told him that I would put up with second best.

6 months down the line I can't deal with being 2nd best any more. I now have no job, no relationship and as a consequence of those 2 I have no home either....but that is another thread for another night.

Upshot...one of 2 things is happening. He is having an affair and as a consequence will ultimately destroy your life (likely given the reciprocated text)...or as he has admitted you are second best and he will destroy your life. Does it matter which of the too it is?

I should say that I am 100% sure that in my case nothing physical has happened as you would class a classical affair....but he has admitted that is because she is not interested but he clearly is.

I'm sorry but I can't see that there is an innocent explanation for this one - not after his explanation anyway. The only possible time I can think of that someone not in a relationship would send "I love you xxx" would be as a jokey response to something as an exagerrated "thank you" but this explanation makes that unlikely, I think.

I once found a text like that on an ex's phone. I sent one back from his phone saying who I was and suggested that her love was mis-placed (as I'd realised was mine). He actually had her call me and pretend that she'd got the wrong number, etc. FFS -
the things they'll do to cover themselves!

You're not being paranoid, you're being sensible.

I would think that it is especially concerning if the text was just "I love you xxx" and not an ending sentence to a longer text.

I could see someone having a rant and then saying "I love you" in the context of being and empathetic friend. But there is no real reason with a text specifically to say "I love you".

Sorry

Hi dancer - just reading your OP gave me a knot in my stomach - it is so similar to my situation. My H and I are still dealing with the repurcussons a whole year after the first 'I'm attracted to you but we mustn't act on it' conversation between my H and OW.

He 'confessed' the mutual admission of attraction, left me reeling in shock, then acted defensive, cross that I was suspicious and expected to be allowed to continue close work contact and social contact.

Thanks WWIFN for mentioning me. WWIFN was so helpful to me, she has a depth of understanding that is incredible, and great kindness to share so much insight.

God this is shit as you are so in the dark. He may have been having an affair, but he may not. He is however totally disrespecting your feelings. You have very protective feelings towards your relationship, your children, yourself and he is riding roughshod over these. Please excuse my spelling, I'm an undiagnosed dyslexia, or else not very bright!

You need to tell him how threatented you are because of this protective instinct. You are right to feel threatened. You are right to express that to him, and friends or family, or MN, whoever will support you.

He is wrong to not listen. He is wrong to ignore your very valid feelings.

OP I'm sorry; you are not paranoid. You need to start some serious sleuthing, and gear yourself up with all your inner courage for the action you must take. I'm quite sure he is lying to you. Sorry.

Dancer - don't feel guilty about that sleuthing as well - you need to do it to understand what is going on, if anything. He is unlikely to admit to anything that he doesn't have to, so this is possibly your only way of finding out fact.

Try getting onto his phone at regular intervals without him knowing. Act really cool around his phone when he is there, so he won't suspect. When you get a chance, go through it and note any odd messages down in a book. Sounds mad but it is just sensible, really!

You then will have some sort of a log of 'normal' interactions and odd things and a way of gauging if things are changing.

You might feel mad, but you aren't. This is what happens, you have started to doubt your instinct and that's why you feel like you're going mad. Trust your instinct.

One thing that really helped me was having phone counselling through Relate. I had an individual session and was told my feelings were valid and I was supported to act on them and confront my H. £20 a phone session right now due to Govt. funding, which is less than the usual £45.

Sounds like this OW is predatory - I hate labelling in this way but I do now after my discovery as in my situation the predatory nature of OW is a continuing threat. Some women, and men of course, are like this, flirty when they should know better and enjoy the tantalising nature of it all. Your H needs to understand this and put up solid walls between himself and her. But he can't do this all the while he is pretending she is no threat. She is a threat if you feel threatened, bottom line.

Long walk, short plank treatment for him,sorry that this is happening to you

Just to back up what loves2walk says - Act TOTALLY NORMAL. do not confront him about anything (yet). Just look look and look again. We will ALWAYS be three steps ahead of the fuckers. Bide your time.

This may all sound very cold; believe me I do know how hard and how horrid and devastating this is at the same time. Hang on in there.

Sorry, but you do NOT have to keep in touch with work collegues via Facebook. Tell him to stop f*ing about or you will leave...no two ways about it.

He's the one who should leave, not the OP. Sorry this is happening, OP.

I feel for you dancer so much. When I first posted in a similar way to you a while after the OW thing had erupted, I was so shocked by the reaction I got. It made my heart race, my eyes fill with tears, I had the worst butterflies ever. I think that massive physical reaction was because I had spent months being told my real feelings were invalid and "unsubstantiated" and so in a desire to believe that, I pushed those feelings down and ignored them. MNers soon put me right back into reality. It is hard to read what others have said as you will likely find the validation of your buried feelings like I did.

As innerstrength says, keep strong and be normal. Keep eating, sleeping if you can, and do get support. I found my threads were like reality checks for me and they not only gave me much needed emotional strength but actual words. I have used the words of posters to describe to my H what I wanted to say as so often posters "hit the nail on the head".
So do you think they are still seeing each other at work? Is there anything odd about your Hs behaviour right now? How is he in terms of emotional closeness to you?

truth is, neither any of us , nor you, know whether he is having an affair.

I hope he isn't.
There are absolutely folk out there who say I love you xxxx in a text without it meaning an affair.
Good luck

Loves a very big hug. You are a lovely woman.

Do you think a link to your original thread might help? Your call entirely.

I feel quite overwhelmed by the responses I've had to my dilemma, I've never used the computor in this way before and I feel incredibly relieved by the resolve of you lot out there. It's still horrible but thank you for giving me a lot of sound advice to think on and act on...isn't it rubbish to be put in this position, what a selfish sod