is my OH having a headfuck affair or am I being totally paranoid? HELP

[dancerinthedark]

Hi there
I'm going mad and need a bit of advice. My husband worked very closely with a woman last year...a younger woman. I have met her and she flirts badly. I rose above it and decided not to be bothered. Later, he was vile to me for a while and I challenged him about this younger woman. He confessed that there had been 'a conversation' in which he had told her he had strong feelings for her. He then, decided that this was just a moment of confusion and he didn't mean it after all. They still work together here and there and by the nature of the job, have contact alot via phone/email/facebook etc. and sometimes face to face. A good few months after the first 'storm', in a moment of extreme paranoia I checked his phone messages (really out of character for me, I'm usually very dignified when the chips are down) I discovered one from her saying 'I love you xxx'. I challenged him and he said it was just how she was, she was being a daft hippy etc...I half believe him but I feel very unhappy that he thinks he can continue an intimate friendship that hurts me in such a way. It has upset the balance of our relationship. He refuses to see that the whole thing undermines me, her flirtatious manner disrespects me, he loves his ego getting a good massage and I feel like shit.
What do I do?
Advice and different perspectives would be so appreciated....I am of course hurt, furious, paranoid, loving mother to our 2 children, etc.....

good girl

Dancer, to me it's not just the "I love you" text, but the fact he has told you before about the "strong feelings" he had for her that would worry me. Did you really discuss this with him?

I don't want to be harsh, but if my DH who actually told me he had strong feelings for another woman I would seriously be questioning our relationship. I certainly couldn't ignore it simply because he said nothing happened etc. You don't need to get the "evidence" of an actual affair to confront him about this.

In a previous (long-term) relationship I had "feelings" for other men (attraction/lust not love) and though didn't act on them, it was enough to tell me that there was something seriously amiss in my relationship, that I couldn't really love ex-dp - at the very least wasn't being fair to him by continuing the relationship while mentally wandering.

The situation with the text suggests your dh has taken it further tbh . But even if he hasn't (and you really believe that), you must address the fact he was so attracted to someone else he told them so.

He cannot continue to treat you like this, and you must not let him.

Love2walk that's powerful and helpful stuff, thank you. I embark on the discusions with him tomorrow (he's been away)and feel quite terrified but so keen to move this whole thing on...I want something better for me and him than this stuff..

loves2walk, if your OH is continually making all the effort you report, he would need to be superman to keep a bit on the side.

Well done to you for taking the initiative. It's extremely hard, because in the first instance, you have to shoulder all the responsibility, yours & his & be prepared to endure until there is a sign of life.

Many underestimate the depth of character this will plumb & often, people simply give up. I wish you both well.

dancer, well done for keeping your head. Don't forget that there isn't a manual for this type of stuff. Stay calm & don't let your hurt turn into heat. Good luck & report back soon

Thanks bloke- I do feel sure he has stopped all affectionate contact with OW but hadn't thought about it from that point of view - you're right he couldn't keep both up. You're also right about the intensity of the work, and responsibility. Exhausting but for now, worth it.

Dancer - do keep strong and like bloke says, keep calm. I was ready to explode when I had my big conversation with H and he certainly got that I was angry, but he also needs to understand that you are deadly serious and that needs calm. My counsellor told me to stick to "I need......, I feel....." statements and that helped me to say it all. Please take care and come back for more support.

No advice other than to say I also have been in this situation - I allowed myself to be 'gaslighted' and the truth came out 6 months later.

We too are still dealing with the aftermath - it isn't easy but if h's prepared to do all the stuff WWIFN says then it can work.

Listen to these people here - they KNOW what thy're talking about.

Grace - you made me chuckle there with chutzpah comment though I thought it was an insulting thing to say to someone so had to google it- turns out not insulting at all! You made really helpful comments to me on my thread for which I was/am very grateful.

Dancer- I hope you manage to sleep tonight before your conversation with your husband. Do you think it was significant that you chose to post on here and seek help at a time when he was away? Maybe you felt free enough to express your feelings and doubts. I did just the same and someone on here pointed out to me that that was very significant. Good luck