Advice Please

[notoriginal]

Hello everyone,

I originally posted this in another category and was advised to post here.

I'm new here but was hoping for a bit of advice.

I separated from my ex husband 3 years ago. He's not supported our 3 children aged between 11 & 17) but wants to carry on seeing them. Trouble is he only wants contact at my home and very rarely takes them out. The kids want to see him.

He is still seeing the woman who was formerly the o/w and she is pregnant (although he denies this.)

He was asked to leave our home by ss as he struck and badly bruised one of the children. It seems he is on a mission to get revenge as in his words I "Did not defend" him to social services.

He abuses me still by harassment, stalking, verbal and emotional abuse, and telling lies about me to pretty much eveyone. It's really getting to me and I cannot bear to be around him, the kids are seeing the arguments regularly and because I'm not myself at the moment, I think they may blame me as they see me as the one who starts the fights.

I will admit I've lashed out badly at times, I'm not making excuses but when someone pushes you far enough, well I think you get the picture.

He tells the kids it's me being unreasonable and that all he wants to do is come home (his lies are disturbing.)

He tells me on a regular basis if he sees me with anyone he will snap his neck, tell him the 'truth' about me. He also tells me all of the usual nonsense such as nobody would have me, I stink, I'm boring have no personality etc. He also tells me he will make me commit suicide. He does carry out threats, as he has on several occasions told streets full of people (and my kids) of abuse that happened to me as a kid.

There's loads more to this but just to give you all a bit to go on.

1. Am I using the kids as he and his gf keep accusing me? (I don't think I am as I have persistently told him he can have contact so long as he stays away from me. We are obv not the type of couple that can chat civilly over coffee.)

1. Do I let the younger 2 carry on seeing him? (me saying no to contact is part of how he convinces people and his gf I'm using the kids)

1. Do I let the contact in my home continue and just suck it up? (in other words am I being unreasonable by not wanting to see him, even if it is only for kids)

As a side note, he regularly asks me to sleep with him, tells me he loves me (even though I DO NOT LOVE HIM and totally don't believe for a minute he loves me)

Cheers in advance x

I would go back to your solicitor and get advice. Women's aid should also give you advice.

I'm not sure your kids should be having any contact, and I'm not sure what SS would say if they knew.

Keep a diary at least of what he says. Tape record him if possible. Keep emails, texts, letters anything.

Others with better advice will be here soon. But be careful.

gad, poor you.

Yes, as you have already recognised - you are still being emotionally abused. Totally and utterly. Recognising it is fundamental although it is difficult to stop it messing with your head. Read more on Emotional and Verbal Abuse (the Patricia Evans Books could be really useful). Even though you are separated you still need support to deal with all this shitty aftermath.

1. If you maintain your stance that he can see the kids, as long as he keeps away from you then you are not using them. Simple as that. Engage with him as little as possible.

2. At your house is both good and bad I guess - gives you some control but brings him too close for comfort. Is there anyway you could arrange to go out/have someone over/ask a relative to be there while he does his visits?

Is he wanting to visit the kids at home as part of his continuing desire for control?

Thanks guys,

I do personally believe he is using contact with the kids as a way of keeping control, but I do wonder if that's just me.

I'm now divorced, been down the road of police, courts etc. but it ultimately makes things worse, I'm so worried about the damage it's doing to the kids.

I've talked with the kids on many occasions but they are adamant they still want to see him, he has also recently bought a dog, something which the kids had always wanted, I also suspect this is for control.

Every time I have let the contact in the house continue he says that we are working on it, it's so disturbing, I'm really at a bad point

I think you need to start writing down the threats he makes and go to the police tbh.

You should also look in to contact centres for access to the kids as it isn't fair for them to have to put up with you too bickering like a couple of kids just so they can see their dad.

No matter what he has done, he is still their father and they will still love him.

Which is exactly why I'm asking for advice. But may I point out that the police advised me to just let the kids hate me for a while as his behaviour is so disturbing.

I do not want the bickering to continue but don't feel that I should be abused just so kids can see their father.

Please ring womens aid and get someone on your side in real life.
You need some more coping strategies to deal with this person.

Ok, one thing at a time.

1. Since the kids are adamant they want to see him I guess you have to agree to it.(by the way they are old enough, or nearly, to know how much of a prat he is - so trust them a little bit)

2. Is it manageable to let this happen at your house, with you out or locked in another room with a caring mate/brother?

3. If answer to 2 is no, then where and how can you organise an alternative venue, which YOU would be happy with?

And no, of course you don't need to be abused while this is going on.

That's why you need a lot of real-life support - both from friends/family and more importantly from someone like WA.

The man is still abusing you - as you have already said,

You need to stop allowing him into your home, full stop.

Tell him he is welcome to have contact with the dc but he is not welcome at your home at all - he is NOT entitled to come into your house.

If he turns up at your home and tries to come in/or comes him ask to leave. If he does not phone the police straight away - your local station should be able to provide you with their domestic team direct phone number, if he gets aggressive or violent dial 999.

I would suggest that you write to him and send it recorded delivery and tell him he is no longer permitted to come into your home and to let you know when he nexts wants to collect the children for a contact visit.

I know it may well get worse in the short term but it is the only way to stop him abusing you and the dc emotionally.

Hugs, SIL went through this it has been horrid.

Does he have fixed contact?

For me the house is not an option as he calls round on a daily basis and copies numbers I've dialled etc.

I agree to contact as long as he collects/drops without coming into the house but he goes against this within a day or 2 and starts shouting etc when I won't let him in.

I was at my brothers house last week nowhere near where he lives and my brother saw him in his car just watching his house.

I hear what you are saying about the kids, I want them to see him if that's what they want, just without all the trouble it's bringing.

He does not have fixed contact, I will make a plan with him and the next days he's lying again and thinks he can see them everyday.

In all honesty I would invite him to mediation and refuse any contact until you have been to mediation.

Let him threaten court etc, say "yes please" if he does.

Do not speak to him etc do it all in writing, every time he turns up at your home phone the police, eventually you can have him charged with harrassment.

You can oten get free/cheap solicitors appointments for their advice.

I think the only way forward is for you to suggest mediation, he won't do it - if he does he then won't stick to it, you then go through the court route and get cafcass involved etc.

Sorry it will be hard but it is the only way.

Thanks calgirl,

Very similar to what police suggested, I think my next move will be a solicitor x

The police will be very supportive, just be honest with your dc and tell them that they can see their Dad regularly but he is no longer allowed in your home because of the way he has treated you.

I think you also need to tell the police and any solicitor about him stalking you.

Ex-BIL did eventually get the message but only once SIL had the full support of the courts behind her because then the police had the power of arrest!

Please WA you will get that support you need.
They have seen all this before and know how to help.

Get away from him immediately I've seen people like this before an dthey are DANGEROUS. Try to tape record him if possible and say nothing.

I agree with CarGirl, don't let him into your house and only communicate through writing for now. He is still trying to abuse you and you have to stop it.
good luck.

Yes you definitely need WOmen's Aid or a good solicitor to help you, you need to cut all contact between yourself and this man and keep him out of the house. He sounds very, very dangerous.
If he has already assaulted one of the DC he shold be having supervised contact at a contact centre only. Remember that, while it's understandable that the DC want to see him, that doesn't mean you have to be abused by him.

I married someone like this and ten years later I am STILL getting abuse every day and still being emotionally abused allthe time to the point I don't trust anyone at all. I stayed with him "because I loved him" even when I knew he was wrecking my life and destroying me, please stop him NOW. Im beginning to wonder if there are any decent people out there any more. Don't be afraid of him and let it slide, and don't be too scared to try and stop him because he sure as hell will carry on.

Im sure you are not boring and you smell great, what you are is a shell of yourself due to ABUSE, everyone who shouts abuse or stalks you is ABUSING YOU, and you need to make sure it stops.

You have said he carries out his threats please believe him. \Nobody was there to help me but maybe it will be different for you.

He has hurt one child to the extent of bruising and wants you to defend him to social services???

I wouldnt let the rat anywhere near my home, and due to hitting the kids, would only allow contact at a safe place with social services there. He has no right to ask for anything else. I would also get an injunction stopping him coming near your home.

See a good lawyer pet, you shouldnt be suffering this ocntinued abuse.x

Thanks guys for all your advice/support.

It's sad to hear that others have suffered the same, and you're right he is dangerous and I do believe his threats as he has carried them out.

It's hard when the kids want to see him as I want to be a good mum and not one of these people who use kids as pawns.

I'm absolutely set that no matter what I've had enough of his abuse and won't tolerate it.

I've spoken to WA and they have given me some local support numbers and advice lines specific to stalking, it's given me a lot to go on.

I've suffered because I refused to defend him but who would? He deserved it after what he did to our daughter and she is special needs, I would never defend anyone who harmed a child.

Thanks again x

agree with others - keep him out of your house - contact centre if there is no relative/friend suitable.

ask him to go to mediation - and if he threatens court let him.

do you have his threats in writing?

start doing everything by email so you ahve written record. from your part stick to factual informaiton about times and place to see kids - let him do the ranting "you are xxxx" etc.

be careful tho of emdiation - as at mediation he may turn on charm and appear all reasonable....use it to bully you...

see a solicitor.

set specific contact times so you and children know when is what.

my ex (attacked our son with special needs) also used to come see dcs at my new aplce - it was a disaster, eh would refuse to elave, go on and on etc etc... he became violent... is much better with clear boundaries he is not allowed in. not that he ahsnt asked ot come in or tried to or ame big fuss on doorstep...

but is up to him to arrange another location to see cs. youa re not preventing contact - you do ahve right to say see the dcs but not at my place.
he can have relationship with dcs - you do not have to have one with him...

Thanks for advice.

You are right, even though I totally agree that mediation could work and have mentioned this recently to him, it does concern me that he may turn on the charm and use it against me as he is good at that.

I know I would have backing of ss as they wrote him off because he was impossible to work with, NSPCC described him as thinking of himself as the victim rather than the perpetrator.

I do have some evidence of threats, text messages etc even some threatening to have acid thrown in my face. Neighbours have also heard him make threats against me and the kids.

I think I may take it down the road of mediation and courts though as probably in the long run would be better to involve professionals.

No!!!!

Do not go down the mediation route go down the court route. He is clearly volatile and dangerous - he will kick off when you stand up to him so just go straight for the court route.

I had no idea he was a crazed as you've now revealed!

Do you really think so? There's so much more, I hate to argue in front of the kids but I can't take any more of it