Advice Please

[notoriginal]

Hello everyone,

I originally posted this in another category and was advised to post here.

I'm new here but was hoping for a bit of advice.

I separated from my ex husband 3 years ago. He's not supported our 3 children aged between 11 & 17) but wants to carry on seeing them. Trouble is he only wants contact at my home and very rarely takes them out. The kids want to see him.

He is still seeing the woman who was formerly the o/w and she is pregnant (although he denies this.)

He was asked to leave our home by ss as he struck and badly bruised one of the children. It seems he is on a mission to get revenge as in his words I "Did not defend" him to social services.

He abuses me still by harassment, stalking, verbal and emotional abuse, and telling lies about me to pretty much eveyone. It's really getting to me and I cannot bear to be around him, the kids are seeing the arguments regularly and because I'm not myself at the moment, I think they may blame me as they see me as the one who starts the fights.

I will admit I've lashed out badly at times, I'm not making excuses but when someone pushes you far enough, well I think you get the picture.

He tells the kids it's me being unreasonable and that all he wants to do is come home (his lies are disturbing.)

He tells me on a regular basis if he sees me with anyone he will snap his neck, tell him the 'truth' about me. He also tells me all of the usual nonsense such as nobody would have me, I stink, I'm boring have no personality etc. He also tells me he will make me commit suicide. He does carry out threats, as he has on several occasions told streets full of people (and my kids) of abuse that happened to me as a kid.

There's loads more to this but just to give you all a bit to go on.

1. Am I using the kids as he and his gf keep accusing me? (I don't think I am as I have persistently told him he can have contact so long as he stays away from me. We are obv not the type of couple that can chat civilly over coffee.)

1. Do I let the younger 2 carry on seeing him? (me saying no to contact is part of how he convinces people and his gf I'm using the kids)

1. Do I let the contact in my home continue and just suck it up? (in other words am I being unreasonable by not wanting to see him, even if it is only for kids)

As a side note, he regularly asks me to sleep with him, tells me he loves me (even though I DO NOT LOVE HIM and totally don't believe for a minute he loves me)

Cheers in advance x

Please start reporting it. Of the course the dc don't like the police turning up etc but you need to do this to protect yourself and them.

Do you want your dds to accept this treatment from one of their future partners, or your some to treat his girlfriend or wife or children like this?

The SEN is not ESBD as far as I'm aware.

Happened again today, he turned up at door with gifts for kids, I got upset and asked him to leave then he starts saying I'm the one damaging the kids with my unreasonable behaviour, and even to me it does look like that.

When he's here however, everytime I ask him to stop he says things like I'm trying to come home even when I keep saying there will never be chance of that and then starts going mad when I get a call saying the whole I will snap his neck bit etc.

I'm not involved with anyone btw.

no,prison didnt help him at all. he was released and extremely angry and paranoid about what had happened on th e 'outside'....think along the lines of Raoul Moat.....total madness,really angry at everyone.

you are giving him the wrong message by allowing him in your home.....it took a friend to say this to me because i thought i was doing right by the kids.....he needs to keep away from your space

Just what I suspected Tiffany which makes me wonder if police involved will just aggravate it.

Does your ex still do this?

with or without police intervention,he will behave badly.

yes,my ex still does,but with other women and their children now....not me,i was clear he had to leave my life.....he no longer harasses me. you cant let your children have this man as an example of how adults behave..

Thing is for me though even with o/w and child on the way he still does! He just deny's to me and kids they are together.

The o/w doesn't give a crap he's doing it either.

I have made it clear he's not welcome and do keep him out but the harassment is not stopping.

it is precisely because you scared of making him worse that you need to report - he WILL get worse.

you need ot reprot each nd every incident.

how he decides to act is HIS problem. you dont cause it - he chooses to act that way (and if he cant stop himself then he is ill....either way he needs to be reported to 999)

turning up with gifts - you DONT have to oen door to him . get a chain on door, tell him thru door that thanks you can leave them there. wait til he is gone then pick up.

you can also get a non molestation order again so he CANNNOTT come toyour door to deliver gifts - he would have to use third party.

my ex had doorstep contact for a while, wouldleave gifts, there was no time for this - it was awful, would turh up whenever, ring doorbell, id dint feel safe...

then i got court agreement to set weds at 8 pm - so i could make sure i was in and wouldnt open door- but one time i was out, dcs with babysitter - i came at 9 pm - he was sat outside -it was very freaky....i hid.. til he went... it isnt a way to live.
but at least it was set times and days only.

you have to separate him seeing the chidlren with his contact with you. you can easily show in court you are faciltiating contact between him and DCS - but it really does not need to involve you at all.

have you got a solicitor?

dont answer phone to him. let him communicate by text /email so you keep record- have a PAYG mobile which he can text to.

dont answer door to him.

be safe - get a rape alarm to sound if he near by.
tell neighbours.

get solicitor to write warning him re: harassment.

keep caling police if he is threatening.
call police if he kicks off at all.

dcs can stil see him - but cut your involvement. it really helps.

you tellign him - will do nothing. he needs to eb told by police - so you need to report every incident so he can get warned....

think about it - if you set it up so you have NO contact, no opening door to him - then if he gets mad eg kicks door then he is outside. you can call police safely.

changeovers need to happen with someone else.

it isnt you that is scaring kids by calling police - it is HIS fault.

talk it thru with womens aid councesllor or helpline - he is the absuive/unreasonable one here

(now ex in better phase - for now...can tolerate him on doorstep but i suspect will change when he is served papers to address financial issues. as he does not want to address it...then i will prob need to reinstate zero contact....

have you spoken to SS about this? you need to get their support on this too. record every incident to as many profressionals as possible.

also he probably thrives on the communication with you - even tho from your point of view it is negative.

my ex would refer to "the nice conversation" with me or others - even tho i/otehrs recaleld the conversation as very negative with us trying to telll hom to stop ahrassing etc....they dont see things rationally and you cannot expect resonable behaviour.

they feed on any input from you - negative or toherwise because to them it implies there is a relationship there.

so cutting it is only way - third party for hadnovers of children. no opening door to him. etc.

and if he gets angry is HIS choice and you do need to call police each and every time -so they see him acting out.

I do hope this has a happy ending, it scares me when I read this sort of thing. Have you tride the Childresn contact centres as a way for him to see the children. You don't have to see him and they are in a safe environment.
www.naccc.org.uk/cms/index.php

Can you not get a court order that would mean he would be arrested if he comes to your home (or withing a certain distance of you?)

Sorry If I am being naive.

Thanks again everyone,

I've previously had his number blocked on my phone as his texts are vile, unblocked to use as the only means of contact. He got vile again so that's it I have called police again.

What's the worse that can happen? He ruins my life? He's doin that already, sorry if I sound so neg, just not in a good one

get a separate PAYG mobile which is only for him to text you on so you keep it separate.

ps welldone for calling police. keep on doing so.

Cestlavielife's posts are really good advice, notoriginal. This man is banking on you not wanting to make him more angry, that's how he's getting away with this. Glad you called the police, please do keep reporting him, consider a nonmolestation order. And do NOT let him in your house.

Hi everyone

Not been around since I posted this last year but wanted to thank all those who gave me advice and support and let you all know what happened.

In September last year I was at breaking point and just could not take anymore, he was being more abusive than ever. The final straw came when he gave our daughter a mouthful of abuse and I called the police.

To cut an extremely long story short, the police charged him with putting a person in fear of violence and after 6 long months he finally pleaded guilty in the crown court and was given a 6 month suspended sentence. Most importantly, he has been given an indefinate restraining order.

It's been 6 months now that I have been free from the abuse, and the children too.

My domestic violence advisor encouraged me to join a college course in September to keep my mind occupied, which I did and have done so well at, that last month I was succesful in gaining a place in uni for September doing a law degree.

I am so grateful to all who gave helpful advice, so thanks once again. If anyone is reading this, going through what I did, stay strong your life can change amazingly! x

very happy for you!!!

so many women put up with this kind of thing.