Advice Please

[notoriginal]

Hello everyone,

I originally posted this in another category and was advised to post here.

I'm new here but was hoping for a bit of advice.

I separated from my ex husband 3 years ago. He's not supported our 3 children aged between 11 & 17) but wants to carry on seeing them. Trouble is he only wants contact at my home and very rarely takes them out. The kids want to see him.

He is still seeing the woman who was formerly the o/w and she is pregnant (although he denies this.)

He was asked to leave our home by ss as he struck and badly bruised one of the children. It seems he is on a mission to get revenge as in his words I "Did not defend" him to social services.

He abuses me still by harassment, stalking, verbal and emotional abuse, and telling lies about me to pretty much eveyone. It's really getting to me and I cannot bear to be around him, the kids are seeing the arguments regularly and because I'm not myself at the moment, I think they may blame me as they see me as the one who starts the fights.

I will admit I've lashed out badly at times, I'm not making excuses but when someone pushes you far enough, well I think you get the picture.

He tells the kids it's me being unreasonable and that all he wants to do is come home (his lies are disturbing.)

He tells me on a regular basis if he sees me with anyone he will snap his neck, tell him the 'truth' about me. He also tells me all of the usual nonsense such as nobody would have me, I stink, I'm boring have no personality etc. He also tells me he will make me commit suicide. He does carry out threats, as he has on several occasions told streets full of people (and my kids) of abuse that happened to me as a kid.

There's loads more to this but just to give you all a bit to go on.

1. Am I using the kids as he and his gf keep accusing me? (I don't think I am as I have persistently told him he can have contact so long as he stays away from me. We are obv not the type of couple that can chat civilly over coffee.)

1. Do I let the younger 2 carry on seeing him? (me saying no to contact is part of how he convinces people and his gf I'm using the kids)

1. Do I let the contact in my home continue and just suck it up? (in other words am I being unreasonable by not wanting to see him, even if it is only for kids)

As a side note, he regularly asks me to sleep with him, tells me he loves me (even though I DO NOT LOVE HIM and totally don't believe for a minute he loves me)

Cheers in advance x

SS wrote him off and the NSPCC described him as thinking of himself as the victim!

He sounds a little derranged and will take no notice of mediation.

tbh I'm quite scared there maybe mental problems because if that's the case he will be capable of anything.

I think I'm going mad sometimes it's so hard to know how to deal with it, I really wish the ss had done a mental health assessment or something.

Once again thanks for taking time out to give advice, I'll call the helpline numbers I've been given first thing and speak to my solicitor.

"I've suffered because I refused to defend him but who would? He deserved it after what he did to our daughter and she is special needs, I would never defend anyone who harmed a child."

No you have suffered because he is an ABUSER. He would be abusing you whatever you did or did not do, he would just make an excuse why he did it: "because you were too soft" "because you were too tough" "because you spent too much time with the kids" "because you neglected the kids".

Your kids are old enough for you to talk honestly with them. I would tell them that you are scared of him. Tell them about the stalking. Make it clear why you cannot have their Dad come to the house again. Then tell them you are going to ask for him to have access if they want it via a contact centre, and tell them about it. Just make it clear to them that you value yourself, just as they should value themselves, and safety always comes first (you can even tie it into a message about them being safe, such as stick with your friends when you are out).

Well done for what you have done so far!

I agree with the last poster. Talk to your kids. Explain why you are unhappy with him coming to your house, but also reassure them that if they want to see him they most certainly can - just away from your house.

I also agree with others. Talk to your domestic violence team at the police. If you get someone's name, then tell them EVERY time he does something unreasonable. Let's face it, if he was only half as dodgy as you say then access away from your home may help some of the things but others? I don't think so. Stalking you is not good. Make sure you leave a trail more obvious than Hansel & Gretel's and keep asking advice from police / WA etc.

Most of all, see a solicitor. Get all of this put down officially. That way he can't muddy the waters at any mediation. And any arrangements which are made HAVE to be stuck to.

And for goodness sake - keep posting. If you disappear from here we'll all be worried...

Good luck

Right, this is going to sound blunt, and sorry for that.

A man who has previously physically harmed your daughter, who SS asked to leave the house, who has threatened to throw acid at you and is stalking you, wants unsupervised contact with your children.

NO NO NO!

They might not like it, but explain to your kids the MANY reasons why contact needs to be supervised outside of the house, if he is allowed contact at all. You cannot let this man near your children unsupervised, he is dangerous. PLEASE don't worry about what your children want right now, he is manipulative and nasty. Keep them safe, keep yourself safe, report any incidents to the police straight away and don't let this monster near yourself or your kids unsupervised.

I agree with the advice to do everything officially.

The man sounds dangerous and should not be trusted with yourself of your children.

No to coming anywhere near you/your home.

He is currently using his visits to control & abuse you and manipulate the children to blame you for the situation controlling your behaviour through them as well.

No to any unsupervised visits with your children.

He seems angry, manipulative and is making threats of violence against you and the kids when things don't go his way. What is to stop him using violence on the kids as the next step in controlling you? He has already struck one child .

What will he do if/when your children decide they no longer want to see him! will he accept that meekly

agree that given the extent of professionals involvement and the evidence of threats etc you need to make a strong stand, cut contact EXCEPT for supervised and get it to court...

do you have copies of nspcc and SS reports to take to solciitor?

who owns the house? is his name on the mortgage/rental agreement? if so you need to get him off, so he has no legal rights to the property.

how old is your dd with SN? is she able to fucntion independently, express her views?
my ds currently only seeing dad supervised, while dds seeing him on their own now after going thru contact centre etc.

the others prresumably are old enough to be given safety instrux eg using phone etc?

is he mad or bad? very hard to tell... but you have just described volatility/anger - not actual MH issues... whatever, he is absuing you still and contact needs to be elsewhere and supervised.

you can set ball rolling at court -ask solicitor - can come as part of divorce hearings...

I appreciate all advice.

The family home was in his name, he wouldn't pay and so it got repossessed, I went to court many times but was unable to do much as I had to give up work after we split. He also took the car, have my own now and live in a rented property.

I do have all the reports from ss NSPCC etc to show a solicitor, infact I'm sure she has seen them before as I've previously had a non-molestation order which resulted in him being given a 2 year conditional discharge.

The 13 year old has the special needs, she is independent but has a low mental age, she has MLD, the 17 year old just goes to his place as and when and the 11 year old does understand about safety etc.

I've spoken this morning to an old friend of us both who has some involvement with psychology (not sure what exactly) and he says pretty much same stuff, calling police etc, he agrees his behaviour does indicate mental health issues and is considering speaking to my ex but is aware it may be difficult because of his behaviour.

Like I said the main issue for me was the contact. I will admit I don't want to make him any more mad than he is but I guess that's how abusers operate.

I'm certainly considering all advice being given

Also, we are actually divorced now, split in September 2007 eventually got the Decree Absolute in February this year (he held it all up).

I just don't want to be a bad mother keeping the kids from their dad and was concerned that this was what I was doing, which is why I decided to post here and get some opinion, was quite upsetting that someone had indicated that I was bickering like a child and that they had a right to see him no matter what, but that's irrelevant as most of you have confirmed what I thought which is that he is dangerous.

I'm devastated that my kids are going through this, but for their safety and mine I will be seeing a solicitor, I've given him ample opportunity to be normal and just see his kids but he seems to be determined to make trouble.

How do you know he hasn't threatened your children?

"If you don't say you want to see me then I will kill Mum"

Really from what you have written I wouldn't put anything past him.

I totally agree with you CarGirl, sometimes you think you're just being paranoid until someone else confirms it too.

Reading back what I've written it all seems so unbelievable, like it's someone else's life I'm reading about, like I've said there's lots more too.

ok so is clearer - you have your house in your name - you decide who some in and out.
he does not.

his children have rights to see him - he has responsibility to have them at his palce or outside (butfor now supervised is better anyway)

not allowing him in your house is not cutting contact - you offer him otehr ways tos ee dcs.

the 17 yr old presumably decides so is not so much concern anyway.

your dd how has she been when seeing him? was she aware of the incident/disturbed by it?

what does 11 year old want in terms of contact?

the more you tell of him the worse it gets...

foirget what the new parter thinks - is irrelevant.

relaly, you need a new non molestation order if he doesnt stop pestering/harassing you - but you need to stop him coming to your house again.

the MH isnt clear cut is it? ,my exP ahs had clear periods of depression clinical breakdown etc - rest of the time he is bullying and harassing ... is that part of the MH picture? i am not so sure... tho if he admitted there was an issue he could get help for it!

My friend was telling me how she stayed with her violent boyfriend because of the constant threats to harm her fammily, she eventually got free when he did time for stabbing someone, wasn't the first incident either!

Are you dc scared of him? Although I suppose your 17 year old chooses to see him still - but you have to remember they think his behaviour is normal and acceptable.

My daughter has been ok since incident, it was 3 years ago, but with all her other issues it's really hard to tell, she says she is ok, the first thing I did when it happened was spend a lot of time reassuring her that no matter how naughty she had been her dad should not have done that to her.

The 11 year old was not that bothered untill he got the dog recently has the 11 year old loves animals and had always wanted one, pervious to this he at times did not want to see him because of the names his dad was calling me etc, also, the ex has a time of serious illness and I think this frightened the kids tbh, they have wanted to see him more since them which I guess is understandable, he is their father.

He absolutely does not think he needs help, I've tried that conversation many times.

Yes I am scared of him and can relate to what you are saying as I've tolerated a lot due to threats to the family

YOu need to make it very clear to this man that there will be No contact whatsoever between him and you. Get a new non-molestation order immediately and have him officially informed (by your solicitor) that while it will be made possible for him to see his DC, this will never be at your house and that any information/requests/any other need for communication between him and you must be done through the solicitor.
Tell the DC that it's for their safety and Yours. DOn't be afraid of showing your children that you value yourself enough to keep yourself safe from this man. WHile I appreciate that you don't want to badmouth him to his DC as children do tend to love their parents however horrible the parent - and they will be aware that they have half his genes - it's not unfair to say to them that as he can't be kind to you, you will not see him or have anything to do with him.

Same thing happened again, he stuck to the pick up/drop off for a couple of visits and then he cornered me in the car park next to my house, had 11yr old with me. He starts getting irate and kicking and shouting cos I won't let him in for coffee and be an adult.

He says things like he isn't with anybody and I shouldn't be and he isn't giving up so in his eyes as long as he's trying to get me back he will kill anyone he sees me with.

Have explained to younger one again that if his dad can't behave the visits will have to stop.

Stood my ground and never gave in, locked myself in car until he left.

I'm calling womens aid again.

Notoriginal, it may be worth remembering that your Ex's behaviour is exactly the same as Raul Moat's. Remember how that turned out.

Contact the police. Get a harassment order. Get him arrested if necessary.

You know something I was thinking exactly the same, there is no reasoning

when did this happen notoriginal?

you need to call the police directly this has happened eg when you were locked in the car - call on mobile and say how scared you are - they need to see you then.

if you report later it loses impact.

Please start reporting him everytime, just dial 999 as soon as he starts, just ask for the police tell them where you are etc etc - they'll be able to hear for themselves.

The above incidence why was he in the car park/why were you - had he waited for you there?

yep,my ex is pretty much the same....has not long been out of prison for threatening police with an imitaton firearm...softer sentence as he was 'pretending' to commit suicide at the time,has long documented mental health issues

something to consider......i went through court etc,and insisted on an 'forensic psych asessment'...this through up enough worries for him to be referred to a psychologist,and he admitted he had tried to kill me....this was enough for me to get tough in court and fight for a section 91 (14) to prevent more legal applications from him. he got no contact

not in the kids best interests when they behave like this is it??

what is you r 11 and 17 year old learning about adult relationships. cut the contact

and mediation cant go ahead when there has been violence anyway

Yes he had waited for me in car park, happened this morning, the kids get so upset when police get calls and in all honesty I'm scared of making him worse.

Tiffany, did the time in prison help? My concern is that I could easily have him prosecuted but what happens after?

I agree with what you are saying about what the kids are learning, a lady who has been helping me recently with SEN stuff suggested me contacting CAMHS to maybe get the kids a bit of help.

It's just so wrong, can't seem to let of of that 'oh why the hell can't he be normal' idea .... so frustrating

He isn't normal, and he is going to get worse whatever you do. You do not want him to start physically attacking you before dialing 999. Just dial it, you don't even have to speak if they can hear him.

You need to stop saying the kids don't like. They and you are in danger, you need to get the police there.

Do get them to see CAMHS. Is there any counselling on offer at school? (BTW is the SEN ESBD? because if so that is more evidence of what their father is doing to them.)

Oh, notoriginal, this man sounds fucking terrifying.

Don't go to mediation. Don't ask someone to have a word with him. He's not going to be reasonable or see sense or start behaving. He is abusing you, harassing you, stalking you, threatening you and scaring you half to death. He hit and bruised a 10 year old with SN. He is a dangerous man, and far from using the children as pawns, you are almost doing the opposite, tbh; letting him into the house and letting him see the kids unsupervised is far too accomodating.

I'm glad you've spoken to WA. Definitely start reporting to the police. I know it's terrifying and you don't want to wind him up further, but he's not going to wind his neck in just because you're being nice to him. He will escalate. Better to have the authorities on your side when it happens.