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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you let your dh do this?

84 replies

emkana · 20/08/2005 20:17

There is a possibility that dh could work abroad for six months, in that time earning vast amounts of money which would pay off the mortgage, pay for the extension we want to build, pay for a new car and a nice holiday... but during those six months we wouldn't see him at all, he wouldn't come home and we couldn't visit him. Our daughters are four and two. Would you do this?

OP posts:

katierocket · 21/08/2005 07:30

yes I would.

Blackduck · 21/08/2005 09:15

Yes I would - thou' I'd check the region....
My father was away for 4 months at a time when I was growing up (but not earning big bucks!). To be mortgage free etc. woud make it worthwhile...

WideWebWitch · 21/08/2005 09:55

Yes, I would. It's tough (I work away from home all week atm) but sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

compo · 21/08/2005 09:57

Yes. Six months is totally worth it to have al that money!!

batters · 21/08/2005 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 21/08/2005 10:00

My fil works away for 6 months of the year. He has done this ever since him and mil got married. Dh's relationship with his father has definitely not suffered as a result of this.

motherinferior · 21/08/2005 10:02

Could the money pay for help with childcare while he's away?

edam · 21/08/2005 10:12

Looks like I'm on my own here.... maybe I'm ridiculously sentimental but for me (and I'm not saying this is what everyone else should do, far from it) the thing is however wonderful it would be to have financial security, I could never buy back those six months. Guess I'm looking at it from the 'I could never leave ds for six months' perspective and it's different for fathers?

As for boarding school, I know lots of people who went (and was offered the chance myself) but would have HATED it. And I can't imagine seeing ds only in the holidays. Maybe when he's a stroppy teenager I'll think differently though...

WideWebWitch · 21/08/2005 10:13

emkana, we do a netmeeting so ds and I can see dd and vice versa in the week. If you've got a PS2 and Eyetoy, you can use the eyetoy camera as a webcam. The software is free and it's here

Original poster

emkana · 21/08/2005 10:48

Thank you for all your answers. Edam, my initial reaction when dh told me about it was more like yours. Didn't expect so many here to say "Go for it", but am now more willing to consider it. There is the fact though that the dd's would miss dh very, very much... I live away from my family (they're in Germany), but dh's family is nearby and very helpful, so I wouldn't be all alone.

We'll have to see if it's actually going to happen anyway, at the moment it's a million miles away from being a definite thing. But it was really good to read all the replies, thanks again!

OP posts:

ednaferber · 21/08/2005 10:51

My dh was offered a job in malaysia some years ago and never took it. i am not sure how i feel about it, but i see your point of view.

shhhh · 21/08/2005 18:57

before we were married dh (then my dp) worked abroard for a year. We were trying for a baby during this time following mc's so things were hard for us and it was a trying time.
But I did cope and looking back now I don't know how... DH worked abroard so that he could earn good money before children arrived so he was here "when it mattered most".
Now we have a dd who is 14 weeks old I'm not to sure how I would cope if he did have to work away now.DH is an IT consultant & I would agree to anywhere but sorry a big no no to the middle east...
My dad worked abroard loads while me & my sister were babies-present. Didn't do any harm but personally my relationship is much closer with my mum...Now I'm a mum myself I am starting to feel closer to my dad. Think my dad realises that now & maybe regrets it slightly????.
Hard decision and suppose its not for long...Maybe you could email, text and write constantly and keep dh up to date with everything with your children.

Kazziegirl · 22/08/2005 10:41

I'm with edam - no way I could do it and know dh couldn't either. Money and financial security is a great temptation but being there every day with your family is worth so much more to us.

starlover · 22/08/2005 10:58

yes i definitely would!

starlover · 22/08/2005 10:59

why couldn't you visit him though?

handlemecarefully · 22/08/2005 11:05

No, because my dd in particular just wouldn't cope with the separation.

No to the Middle East in general but then I am very (OTT?) risk averse.

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 11:06

my dh was based in saudi 9 nine years ago and the unstability now means he wont go back now, dont do it. He will be dead

munz · 22/08/2005 11:07

yes, definatly would u be able to ring him? first weeks and last few are the hardest. and over xmas if it's then.

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 11:11

sorry i wasnt very tactful

does he HAVE to do it?

moondog · 22/08/2005 11:13

Fio!!???
My parents are in Saudi. I don't think they're in any more danger than your average Londoner!

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 11:15

sorry moondog I didnt realise your parents were over there. My husband works as contractor for a defence organisation, i'm afraid they are on high alert wherever they go in the middle east and he won't and neither will his compnay go to saudi any more

compie · 22/08/2005 11:41

You could alwasy get a webcam and have face to face web chats with dd's and dh. That way he still sees them growing and easier imo for small children to talk to a face they are familiar with than over the phone. Would he get any time off during the 6 months? Could you meet for a long weekend somewhere in between?

snafu · 22/08/2005 11:48

I would do it, if I thought I could sort out the odd visit. My dad worked overseas a lot when I was very small and it didn't affect my realtionship with him at all - if anything it made us closer. It was tough for my mum at times but of course I missed him but it really didn't have any negative long-term impact.

And after all, London is on high alert as well

Fio2 · 22/08/2005 12:02

i am just a wimp honestly before kids I never used to worry but my husband has just been out in India for 2 1/2 weeks and my nerves started playing up

albert · 22/08/2005 12:04

On the financial front I would say yes, go for it but when emotion is involved it is easier said than done. DH left yesterday for Brazil, DS and I won't see him for 2 months or so and when he left we were all crying our eyes out!
He once turned down a fantastic 6 month job for this reason...but I was pregnant at the time and the job was in Bosnia just after the war.
Give it some very careful consideration before you make your decision (well I'm sure you're doing that already!)

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