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Original poster

Would you let your dh do this?

84 replies

emkana · 20/08/2005 20:17

There is a possibility that dh could work abroad for six months, in that time earning vast amounts of money which would pay off the mortgage, pay for the extension we want to build, pay for a new car and a nice holiday... but during those six months we wouldn't see him at all, he wouldn't come home and we couldn't visit him. Our daughters are four and two. Would you do this?

OP posts:

Kaz33 · 20/08/2005 20:39

Well I have a 4 and 2 year old and DP flies off on tuesday for 5 weeks. He has done long trips before but this will be the longest. It is hard on the kids, DS2 asks all the time where daddy is.

But then after a while they stop asking and don't really want to speak to daddy when he calls.

It is tough and you need to be so strong for the kids.

Iran, like all these things you should do research - where would he live, work, is there security, what is the foreign office advice at the moment?

fqueenzebra · 20/08/2005 20:40

Even though it's Iran, I'd still say go.

kama · 20/08/2005 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

basketcase · 20/08/2005 20:48

at the risk of offending those who have made the choice to work away from their families for lengthy periods at a time - personally not even vast amounts of money would make me comfortable about this one. Not so much the danger (although that would be in my mind) more the fact that young children grow up so quickly and you can never ever revisit those days. My DDs are similar age and there is absolutely no way I would go for it. DH was offered a lucrative 3 month - 6 month contract in Thailand. While the money would not have done all that yours will do so not entirely similar, we chose to turn it down as there is simply more to life and family than a pay rise.
I know this is not necessarily what you want to hear and may upset those who have made the opposite decision - not trying to seem holier than thou or suggesting we made a better decision - just that so many people are putting forward one side of the picture and others are concentrating on the danger part of it - worth considering the impact on your two children. Sure, it may be minimal and they will cope but at least consider it fully. My DH had a father who worked away for months on end and the family is quite disfunctional and not at all close - this probably coloured our decision tbh - obv in your case it would be only a one off 6 months and not the same...

morningpaper · 20/08/2005 20:55

no! I would miss DH so much it would just be AWFUL. And dd would be devastated!

QueenOfQuotes · 20/08/2005 20:57

My dad worked away at sea for long periods of time when my brother and I were both young (he was in the Merchant Navy).

It didn't do his relationship with my mum, brother or I any harm - and these days you've got the added advantage of decent phone links, email and quicker letters.

I'd let DH do it. especially given that it would mean that you'd live an easier life, and be able to provide more for your children once he comes back.

Once could argue he'd miss lots of things - but my DH comes home from work at the end of everyday - and still misses lots of things

expatinscotland · 20/08/2005 20:57

It didn't make us dysfunctional or not close at all. We're a Latin American family and are extremely close even now.

Things were different, however, as most of the assignments my dad took did allow him to visit and also we lived abroad a few times on assignments.

Also, back in the crash, it was literally the only jobs he could find in that field. And the States doesn't have a very generous benefits systems. If you are made redundant you're really screwed in a matter of months.

He was also mostly offshore, so it was a matter of fly in, be choppered out to the rig.

I'd consider the security factors in Iran seriously.

Wallace · 20/08/2005 21:36

Yes, I would. It would be worth it. You could look at the foreign and commonwealth office website for travel advice

moondog · 20/08/2005 21:43

Just seen this emkana!
My dh works in eastern Turkey (just over the border from Iran)for a not inconsiderable salary. Has done this sort of work for 6 years. We have two children,13 mth old ds and 4 year old dd.

The down side?

He's away for up to 7 weeks at a time (never longer)
Missed out on a lot of the children's growing up
Missed ds's birth
I am exhausted dealing alone with the children and domestic stuff for weeks on end
I've suspended my career in order to be able to spend as much time with him abroad
When he's home,we never have enough time to relax and see friends and family as he has to cram so much into his visits
Bit lonely when I visit him in Turkey-not much to do in this part and virtually no other expatriates

The plus side?

Money (Tax free to boot)
Dh loves his job
We get to see interesting places and people far off the beaten track
I am an sahm so we spend about 60% of our time with dh in Turkey
Lovely holidays,nice house blah blah blah
KIds who have been all over the world already and are unphased by change

Up to you,but I would be bloody tempted. Don't see why you would have to go 6 months without seeing him. You could easily meet up in Qatar,Oman,Dubai or Turkey!
Whereabouts would it be? I'm only a couple of hours from the Iranian border.

PS Who vetoed Saudi? My parents work there and are perfectly happt to continue doing so for the foreseable future.

Hope all this helps!

moondog · 20/08/2005 21:46

PS Just asked dh (who has worked in the Caucusus and Iraq) what he thinks about Iran. He says it's safe. 'Lot of tensions but generally lawful' as he put it.

shalom · 20/08/2005 21:58

if its just a one off go for it!!!

beckym · 20/08/2005 22:08

I think it is impossible to say, until you are put in that situation. But i don't envy you having to make such a decision!There's good and bad points to both, but i'm sure whatever decision you make, you'll probably think it was the wrong one at some point! You're damned if you do, damned if you don't!!!

joash · 20/08/2005 22:09

YUP!!! No problem - I'd even help him to pack

Yorkiegirl · 20/08/2005 22:11

Message withdrawn

puff · 20/08/2005 22:16

I'm not sure I could cope with 6 months of not seeing dh at all, but if it were on the basis of being able to meet up sometimes (as Moondog suggests, and presumably you'd have the income to fund the trips) then we'd seriously consider it.

moondog · 20/08/2005 22:16

lol at joash!
Dhpacks for me and the children when I come out here to Turkey.Says I do it all wrong!

moondog · 20/08/2005 22:22

As an aside emkana,you were worried about your dh not doing enough with the children. A few weeks away from them will hve him desperate for them. I switch off completely when dh is here. He does everything related to children and I lie back and drink wine and read.He is also very...ahem..demonstrative with me.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

wordsmith · 20/08/2005 22:43

Sounds like a no-brainer to me, Emkana, if you are ina position where the financial rewards would change your life - I would say yes. We're strugglig financially so that sort of opportunity would really make a difference to us, to put it mildly. However if you're doing OK financially and can acheive everything you want to acheive without this contract, then I would only say yes if you're both really sure you can cope with the separation.

Again, are you sure you couldn't do a couple of meet-ups somewhere else in the middle east?

pinotgrigio · 20/08/2005 22:56

Hi Emkana,

DP and I are both telecomms contract workers.

In principal, I think this is a good idea if it gives you financial security - 6 months vs the rest of your life is a good pay-off.

Why wouldn't your DH be able to come home? Often in contracts like this you can negotiate some flights home. Also, what would stop you going over there to join him, perhaps in Turkey? That way he could get back to you at weekends?

I take my DD with me (she's 2.8) and she's benefitted from the experience. Now we're in Oz she's seeing lots of different exotic wildlife, goes to the beach and is addicted to fruit smoothies (milkshakes, ahem).

Personally if it were my DP, I would look at the contract offered & see if I could negotiate flights home every quarter and see what the company's line is on staff safety. I would check the location for the work and see how dodgy it is. I would also see how much it would cost me to rent somewhere close to an airport (and beach/moondog(!)) in Turkey and check out the expat community in the region.

If Turkey would be a no-go (what would you do with your house?) then perhaps you could fly out and meet DP there a couple of times during the contract?

Good luck, let us know what you decide. We turned down a big contract in Iraq a while ago not unsurprisingly. There was a 10K bonus at the end of the contract for staying alive. Gasp.

jabberwocky · 20/08/2005 23:03

As a previous poster said, Iran yes, Iraq no. Sounds like a really good financial opportunity for your family.

moondog · 20/08/2005 23:23

LIke pg says,your dh should be able to work extras into his contract. For him this means a generous flight allowance and medical insurance for me and the children.

(Iraq no way! Dh was there but before troubles broke out. He is regularly offered more work but turns it down.)

edam · 20/08/2005 23:32

I wouldn't do this, myself. Yes, to adults, it's only six months. But that's 1/4 of your dd2's life. Wouldn't he be a stranger to her when he came home? (Maybe someone who has done this sort of thing knows better, but that's the sort of thing I'd worry about). Yes, paying off the mortgage would be very tempting. But not seeing dds for six months - is it really worth it? (I'm going by what you said about visits). Plus the political situation could change dramatically over the next six months. Too much risk for me, personally.

moondog · 20/08/2005 23:37

Edam,fair point but my sisters and I also went to boarding school (as parents abroad). Didn't affect our feelings for each other. We're one of the most involved families I know (despite the fact that we are now still scattered across the globe.)

Hang on..maybe that's because we're all so far away from each other?!

milward · 21/08/2005 00:06

I'd go for it emkana - it's only 6 months. Time will fly by. Do you have family to help you nearby.

MumOnaMission · 21/08/2005 00:48

Not read the whole thread so sorry if this has been said already but would he have access to a computer? You could set up webcams to talk to and see each other.

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