Hello. I grew up thinking girls were the ones who could go off sex, or not really want it, nothing in my life prepared me for a man who prefers top watch tv in the evenings after our DC is in bed, to watch tv until midnight. or to read books, or to do work out. you name it. anything but get intimate with me, whom he suppossedly loves.
he was a virgin when we got together. a 30 year old virgin in these day and time. but we had a lot in common and i have been in so many wrong relationships i thought i found mr right.
He was always not so much into sex, but he was curious so although it was infrequent I thought that would change...we always think we change a man at the start of a relationship. I was so wrong.
he is a great friend, and very supportive, kind person. he just doesnt have interest in sex. when he got me pregnant that was a miracle, that he felt horny that day and came on to me like for the first time that year (s) without me having to arrange it. I had a hangover, so I was not driving it or asking for it as it is almost always the case.
it was very infrequent before our DC, now is RARE or not there. by infrequent I mean with luck once a month. twice a month would be a miracle. now it's twice a year on predictable days like valentines, or my bday.and also because i have ranted and argued about how neglected I feel and how it's bringing me down big time. And of course it's always me making him remember the "date" and dressing up like a slut (if I dont he doesnt get aroused at all) and setting the scene and rushing things at uni to be home, do the chores, set the mood, do the dinner and do everytihng in my power so that he doesnt feel stressed out or too tired ...either all that from me or it doesnt happen.
He has a LOT of porn mags and vids. a lot of books on sex and sexual techniques, to please a woman etc. you would think his sexual prowess is amazing. It's not. it's the most boring, lame sex in the world. No books can replace experience. and he doesnt really know how to kiss. he is half blind so he is always groping if we are in the dark, and sometimes is totLLy unflattering and a turn off...and worst of all, he has very little or zero passion. he gets tired after 5 or 10 mins....our meagre sex sessions are boring, awkward and all I end up doing is performing to satisfy my hunger for affection and closeness in my heart and try to help him feel like he is good at it to encourage him to try it more often. I am not that cruel to tell him how much he sucks at it. it would break him.
I have tried to get him to see a dr, he doesnt follow it up, after it takes me breaking down and verbally abusing him to make hiim realise this is not me over reacting, that he has a sex problem and that intimacy is what makes a couple. He doesnt thnk is that important. He could quite happily go without. I feel like I am living with a roomie. a flatmate. a good friend for whom i would do anything. everytime people remind me i am "married" or that he is my "husband" I cringe internally and feel like screaming and shouting IT'S ALL ONLY IN PAPER!!
he is agreat father, kind and patient, he works hard for us, i am finishing a degree and he supports me all the way. he never bothers me with anything. but hates it when i have a complaint about how he handles something. even if i put it nicely, at the right time,like he has asked me to, with kind words and no aggressive body language, even so, he does not like complaints. he is disabled, and i think his parents tried to never bother him with anything and let him be, to the point that he grew up very isolated, withdrawn and was bullied at school lots bec of being disabled. he has achieved a lot in life, and there isnt anyone i would rather live with, but the lack of intimacy has killed my love for him as a man, all i can love in him is the kind father, the great friend and the admirable human being. I have never cheated on him, although I have been sooo tempted. I flirt like crazy because it's the only way i can feel liked and get some form of male attention. my self esteem in shattered and i feel so lonely. I cant see a way out and the strain this is having on me is beggining to show a lot.
if i cheat on him it will hurt so much, i want it desperatley, maybe i could hire an escort? would that be cheating too? i have tried self gratification, but a toy is no substitute for the love of your husband. husbands are supposed to want to sleep with you, hwy did i end up with a guy like this?
please forgive me for the long rant. first time i ever plucked courage to talk about this online. what can i do? he wont do counselling, he said he wont talk about his private things to a stranger. he has no close friends, and he isnt close to his family. i am his only true friend, i feel i am in an impossible position. if he knew i have told my closest grilfriends, he would die of shame. but without their caring, sound advice i would have strayed a long time ago.. they help me keep my sanity. on top of everything i have to deal with, there is this underlying my entire emotional map.
Please help me. I am in tears and very upset and I do not know what to do. please help me.
Sorry for the very long message. Would love the opinion of a man on this. Thanks for your time.