living in an almost sexless marriage...9 yrs

[Nienna]

Hello. I grew up thinking girls were the ones who could go off sex, or not really want it, nothing in my life prepared me for a man who prefers top watch tv in the evenings after our DC is in bed, to watch tv until midnight. or to read books, or to do work out. you name it. anything but get intimate with me, whom he suppossedly loves.
he was a virgin when we got together. a 30 year old virgin in these day and time. but we had a lot in common and i have been in so many wrong relationships i thought i found mr right.
He was always not so much into sex, but he was curious so although it was infrequent I thought that would change...we always think we change a man at the start of a relationship. I was so wrong.
he is a great friend, and very supportive, kind person. he just doesnt have interest in sex. when he got me pregnant that was a miracle, that he felt horny that day and came on to me like for the first time that year (s) without me having to arrange it. I had a hangover, so I was not driving it or asking for it as it is almost always the case.
it was very infrequent before our DC, now is RARE or not there. by infrequent I mean with luck once a month. twice a month would be a miracle. now it's twice a year on predictable days like valentines, or my bday.and also because i have ranted and argued about how neglected I feel and how it's bringing me down big time. And of course it's always me making him remember the "date" and dressing up like a slut (if I dont he doesnt get aroused at all) and setting the scene and rushing things at uni to be home, do the chores, set the mood, do the dinner and do everytihng in my power so that he doesnt feel stressed out or too tired ...either all that from me or it doesnt happen.

He has a LOT of porn mags and vids. a lot of books on sex and sexual techniques, to please a woman etc. you would think his sexual prowess is amazing. It's not. it's the most boring, lame sex in the world. No books can replace experience. and he doesnt really know how to kiss. he is half blind so he is always groping if we are in the dark, and sometimes is totLLy unflattering and a turn off...and worst of all, he has very little or zero passion. he gets tired after 5 or 10 mins....our meagre sex sessions are boring, awkward and all I end up doing is performing to satisfy my hunger for affection and closeness in my heart and try to help him feel like he is good at it to encourage him to try it more often. I am not that cruel to tell him how much he sucks at it. it would break him.

I have tried to get him to see a dr, he doesnt follow it up, after it takes me breaking down and verbally abusing him to make hiim realise this is not me over reacting, that he has a sex problem and that intimacy is what makes a couple. He doesnt thnk is that important. He could quite happily go without. I feel like I am living with a roomie. a flatmate. a good friend for whom i would do anything. everytime people remind me i am "married" or that he is my "husband" I cringe internally and feel like screaming and shouting IT'S ALL ONLY IN PAPER!!

he is agreat father, kind and patient, he works hard for us, i am finishing a degree and he supports me all the way. he never bothers me with anything. but hates it when i have a complaint about how he handles something. even if i put it nicely, at the right time,like he has asked me to, with kind words and no aggressive body language, even so, he does not like complaints. he is disabled, and i think his parents tried to never bother him with anything and let him be, to the point that he grew up very isolated, withdrawn and was bullied at school lots bec of being disabled. he has achieved a lot in life, and there isnt anyone i would rather live with, but the lack of intimacy has killed my love for him as a man, all i can love in him is the kind father, the great friend and the admirable human being. I have never cheated on him, although I have been sooo tempted. I flirt like crazy because it's the only way i can feel liked and get some form of male attention. my self esteem in shattered and i feel so lonely. I cant see a way out and the strain this is having on me is beggining to show a lot.
if i cheat on him it will hurt so much, i want it desperatley, maybe i could hire an escort? would that be cheating too? i have tried self gratification, but a toy is no substitute for the love of your husband. husbands are supposed to want to sleep with you, hwy did i end up with a guy like this?

please forgive me for the long rant. first time i ever plucked courage to talk about this online. what can i do? he wont do counselling, he said he wont talk about his private things to a stranger. he has no close friends, and he isnt close to his family. i am his only true friend, i feel i am in an impossible position. if he knew i have told my closest grilfriends, he would die of shame. but without their caring, sound advice i would have strayed a long time ago.. they help me keep my sanity. on top of everything i have to deal with, there is this underlying my entire emotional map.

Please help me. I am in tears and very upset and I do not know what to do. please help me.

Sorry for the very long message. Would love the opinion of a man on this. Thanks for your time.

Maybe he can't admit it to himself that he is attracted to men, so denies it.

purplepeony, what do I do about the little one who adores her father? What about him going blind? that is his only problem, I am not being blind here, he has the usual annoying things in a guy from a woman's domestic point of view etc, but i brush that aside bec I can be a pain to live with to being so particular and annoyingly fastidious sometimes. I dont have a normal base to build a relationship here, and I have been through so much WORSE than this (abuse, rape, emotional blackmail,you name it)that this seems a bearable life, living with him, and having sex elsewhere. But you have a very true and valid point, it is not sustainable: the men on the said ehave feelings too, and you got me there because I dont want to end up hurting peopl left right and centre. And least of all, my child.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family, in a third world country where lots of things went worng for me. I dont want my DD to endure that kind of insecurity. If I have to make this sacrifice, I will. I only have like 20 yrs left of libido in me, so it wont be forever. I know I probably sound pathetic, but there is no easy way out of this one.
My husband lives in his own world. He prides himself of being fair, just and very self critical. BUt he never applies that to his sexual problem with me/ with himself. I hear him criticise other ppl and he sounds so naive. Is like, look at yourself buddy, you neglect my needs, which is pushing me away and where is your self criticism now? BUt , I have made a vow of silence and indiference. And I will keep it. I will see my lover, get my fix of male affection and live in guilt. One daym DH will realise what is going on, and I will just look him in the face and tell him you did this to us, not me. I have tried almost everything under the sun, and true, I am no saint, I am a nag and a pain and I have a huge temper problem, but I at least admit my faults and try to work on my flaws, even if I dont succeed. Geez, why can he see the damage he has done/is doing to us? he sees me so relaxed around him, he hasnt got a clue of the living storm I carry in my heart. Why arent there in the so called marriega vows one that says "thou shallt not neglect thine wife sexual and emotional needs in order to keep her fulfilled as nature has intended"? It's not there, and therefore not in your face, I am sure he doesnt think this should be a problem. Some have said I let it get at me too much. Well, roll on week, the theater will continue, and what will happen will happen.
So sad it had to come to this. I did enjoy the sex but it's making me more of an insomniac to think of what I am doing. This is not the life I wanted and dreamed of when I thought of marriage.
There are a lot of things i didnt want to see which were there from the beginning. Humilliating things I have never spoken to anyone else of. Like, when we first got intimate, a good 2 months after we started dating, he would not penetrate me and just pointed a finger at my body's lower parts saying "Im not going 'down there', you dont have condoms...you have been around the block and I havent, it's not safe". Ok, playing safe, good, but why did he have to make it so hurtful? wrong choice of words, he always has the wrong choice of words. In order for me to sleep with him, I felt I had to go and get a blood HIV test. I gave it to him and he was happy. ???
Then on our wedding day, good lord, everyone asked him for speech at the pub we were celebrating at ...(our wedding was in a rush)and what he said was, very nervously, "I hope this works". And raised his glass. My friends there gave me such a horrified look. His familky looked away, and one of my friends luckily broke the ice with some joke. That is the one thing I will never forgive him. I brought it up one day,m and he couldnt believe I was holding onto that. He said he is an awkward speaker, oh well whatever...I still didnt get an apology. Have still not gotten one, about that.
why did we marry? we were in europe, we had been together for a year, almost 2, I lost my job and my visa, he could not bear to lose me, and said he will marry me not to lose me. To save our relationship. I said yes, I was too distraught. But hey, he rang his mum and dad here in Uk in tears, saying this and said but it's out of the question of you dont want me to marry her. GO figure. Luckily for me they said yes, go ahead if you love her and she loves you.
So, again, when I confronted him with this, he said he was distraught and scared of such a big step in life, from going from a virgin male to a married man in one go.
I would love to hear your opinnions on these. I can see now clearly, this was doomed from day one. But why when I see our DD I think it has been worth it? Surely it must be, to have such a lovely kid.?

Neinna

I am going to be really frank with you; yes, you have a daughter but do you honestly think you will the first or only woman in the world to divorce and have a child whose parents do not live together? No.It's not perfect for a child to have divorced parents, but as your daughter grows up she will sense you are nothappy. If she are still taking lovers when she is slightly older she may be suspicious of where you go and what you do, and judge you.

You entire post really says "Other people's happiness is more important than mine; I am prepared to put them first."

This will not make you , or them happy.

You will also be living a lie. You will take lovers and then hope one day your husband finds out- that is being passive and not taking responsibility for your marriage or your happiness. Neither is it giving him the opportunity to make changes; if this is your plan, at least tell him so he can act now, not after the event, soto speak.

You will also have to find men who are satisfied to "service you", who are single, and who do not fall for you-or you them. If that happens it will all be very messy.

You seem to be protecting him from his own faults. His blindness does not give him the right to treat you as he does and the HIV test is simply disgusting behaviour. That could have implications on life insurance etc etc in years to come- it's not a test to take lightly especially if you are not really at risk.

This is not just about sex; sex and his inability to communicate about his problem is part of a much bigger problem and he seems to border on being a bully and a control freak.

You need to go and get help in the shape of counsellling, or both of you need to got o a sexual therapist for help.
If he won't agree to that, then I think you know the answer.

Instead of looking for lovers, I'd suggest you start thinking in practical terms how you can live your life away from him give him access to your daughter, and start living your life fully.

You deserve more than this and so does she. Don't fool yourself that she doesn't know-even at a young age children pick up whether their parents are happy adn it does affect them.

Good for you Nienna! Whatever happens now, bear in mind that it was your husband's choice not to make an effort to either give you what you want or cut you loose from the relationship, you tried very hard to make things work with him, so don't let the usual screaming monogamists make you feel bad about yourself.

Hello purplepeony and sgb, thanks for your comments. I am a bit low in myself, again, in spite of the temporary patch up. once the first time is over the novelty wore off and i just felt panicky. i saw this person again and it just didnt go down well. it was fun but at the cost of me skipping stuff i have to get done and lies, or half truths. i want the intimacy and the closeness but i dont want to hide, i want it to be with DH, the man I chose. And I am not even sure anymore, that I am still in love with him. gosh, i spent so long in my life planning my years as a wife and a mother, and i never foresaw i would end up doing something i used to despise. I now see why, some of us go for this, is desperation, out of loneliness.
I have been thinking about how to leave DH, if i want to leave, and I dont want to end this, at least not just now. I cant possibly give my DD a future right now, or what she needs, i am still a student and an immigrant at that, it would be easy to take her away from me, and that thought terrifies me. I need stability, in order to be able to leave this behind. He has noticed i am distant, has asked every night this week, if i am ok, he prob thnks is uni stress ...told me 2 days ago that he thought he should tell me that he has noticed how relaxed i am, and gave me a cuddle. like a friend gives someone a cuddle. I wanted to hit him. i just shrugged. oh well done wifey, not pestering me for sex and attention. here's a pat on the back. and his usual little pecks. Tonight he was watching tv and just being around for almost 2 hrs whilst i worked on my uni stuff. i no longer sit next to him on the sofa, in the hope that something will happen. i am either in bed or out or busy. i dont feel like playing the good sitcom partner. i dont want to be in a position where i cant help myself and start the humilliating process of suggesting sex. no , i will not do that. i rather go and seek that guy again, whatever he happens to think of me. when that guy looks at me, even after we finish, he cant get his hands off me, he doesnt let me do my hair, or put my clothes back on,m i have to wrestle him to leave. he never has enough. and texts me how much he liked it and how he wants more. I have had to let that cool off a bit. not used to this intensity. if only my husband showed a microgram of that passion towards me.
to sum it up, i cant get out now, and i am still unhappy and he is just blissfully happy that i have let off the pressure. i will try to contact relate next week. i hope that isnt expensive because money is the last thing i have at the moment.
my head is a mess. my body wants more of the new guy, but i am so confused. If it wasnt for my DD i would probably slit my veins, that would show him how hurt I am.

sorry for the rant, it is so good to have you voice your ideas. it feels less lonely. thank you.

Nienna, I have only watched your thread so far

But I couldn't read your update so late at night and not post, at risk it might go un-noticed

I feel desperately bad for you

It was never your choice to need the attentions of other men, and although you got a temporary lift, I see you are crashing down again

Think of your DD when you get so low, and remember she needs her mummy

And lovely people are always around if you need a sympathetic ear

take care x

Nienna, in your case I would seek a more discreet partner, tbh. Someone who has as much to lose as you do if he gets found out. And carry on that way until your immigration status is finalised. This will be a load off your mind.

Then make plans to leave.

Because you're not living, you're just existing, and that's not doing anyone good.

Stop beating yourself up.

I strongly believe you are married to an asexual person.

yes, I agree with expat

this fella you have taken up with seems a bit like a loose cannon, tbh

unless you want your world blown into a million pieces, please be careful

and if sleeping with other men makes you feel like this, then stop

I am not sure you are cut out for the deceit and guilt, tbh

Sadly, I think if you found the right partner, perhaps the spouse or partner of another asexual person, you'd stop feeling so guilty about all this for the amount of time you need to start thinking about how you're going to procede in the future.

I'm not normally one to condone such things, but I think you're in a rather extreme set of circumstances.

I really feel for you... my situation is similar but im at the start of my journey. My DH was a virgin at 42 when we met. What was initially once a week has now pettered out to every couple of months and getting rarer. My DH is not affectionate, we dont kiss, he doesn't want to hug me in bed or touch me. We have been married a year and have a 8month old DD. Reading the posts here, I think he may be asexual. I have been thinking about getting affection elsewhere for months.

I think its a shame you got release at such a high cost...its a shame you are not able to share and be honest with your DH about this other man. If he knew and was OK with you seeking sex elsewhere would you feel better about the situation? your DH wants to be left alone, but knows he is not meeting your needs, maybe he would agree that an "open" relationship wd work...maybe he wouldnt, but at least you would not be lying and add guilt to the other emotions you are experiencing.

Anyfucker, thanks for taking the time to reply. I was in a very dark corner of my mind last night, so sad,, so confused. I love my little girl, and will not do anything to harm her world. She is far too precious. She asked me where was daddy because we are not sleeping together bec he has a cold and snores and wakes me up. So he goes to sleep in the study so I can get some sleep. Thanks for the link, I will put their number on my mobile. I have been wanting to talk so badly to someone, and cannot bec my friends would be horrified. They need to walk in my shoes to understand what this is like.
expat, I do think so, he must be, how else can we explain this behaviour.
Anyfkr, the new guy is just 21 and a bit of a kid sometimes, so I need to get him out of my radar. It's not worth it.
g2talk...I am so sorry to hear that anyone else may go through this. I have been with DH for 9 years all in all, and it is easier at the beginning, I mean, we do love them, and we do want to be patient, give them time, support them, give them more time, they have other wonderful things which draw us to them...we love our men. But they dont know how to love fully back, to show their affection, to be close to us. I wish you all the best of lucks in your life, I cant say do what I am doing or dont do anything bec as you can see, nothing is simple, no decision is a panacea, and emotions complicate everything. I will try several approaches, the less dangerous ones first, now that I have had some closeness with someone, that warmth shoudl last me at least a month. I know I sound pathetic, but once you get used to scraps, you learn to live emotionally lean for long periods.
You all have no idea, no idea, how much you are helping me cope. Big fat tears rolling down my face, thank you. This website is a godsent.

Nienna - don't beat yourself for wanting to be loved and desired.
that is human

inhumane is the way your relationship with your DH is

find someone who wants exactly the same as you and please don't feel guilty

Blimey, Nienna, what a bloody lovely person you sound

Your Dh does not realise what a gem he has in you

I looked up info on Relate and I have to go to a diff city, and have to pay £47 just to have a first app and contributions thereafter. I dont have that kind of money at the moment. Need a weekend job. Maybe that will even help with my sad situation at home. So relate will have to wait...sigh

kayah, I am used to beating myself up about pretty much everything. Grew up in a house where everything was my fault even if I was miles away. And being the loud, temperamental, assertive, high libido partner in this marriage doesnt help the issue. But you are right, I should not feel so down. Is not as if I set out to cheat on him from the word go. It's been since 2001.

Anyfucker (what a funny name, it makes me giggle), you are very kind. I think he knows this but , he cant give what he hasnt got. I think the world of him too as a human being, but this issue is poisoning even those feelings and I feel I am drifting apart. He hovers over me now, asking often if anything is wrong. Tries to help with my uni work...I just shrug and say I'm tired, which is true, but he doesnt know I mean it in more than one sense.
I am going to try and find a person living in the same situation as myself, married to an asexual lady, with kids etc.I would like to correspond with this person over emails, because it might help me see the other side of the coin. I have joined another of those websites, let's see if i dont get bombarded with guys again, as this time I could choose if i just wanted to have a look or go full hog. So I chose the cautious approach.
I have also begun to look into the distant future...it hurts bad. But knowing what my options are is just information.
Geez, he doesnt even think that my mood has to do with the lack of intimacy at all...low sex drive indeed.
Why isnt this kind of problems more widely documented? The young man I have seen twice thinks my DH is a sex machine, he thinks that because I am married, I must be having lots of intimacy on a daily basis. Arent we naive when we are young? That I think is part of the problem, men are expected to behave in a certain way and if they dont, god forbid anyone gets wind of it. If that wasnt the case I am sure DH would not mind talking more openly without being defensive and would go to counselling and to the gp. But it is such a taboo subject. MAle egos are fragile, and we the nurturers, the women, are the ones left to pick up the pieces.
I have not seen this other person again and have been avoiding his text invites, alas he doesnt let up. And although some of his texts are a bit juvenile and testosteron-y I do find myself looking forward to being remembered by him, someone, anyone. It is nice when someone misses you , even if it is just to gobble you up,and fill as many of your female orifices as they can... so to speak. I have been reduced to lapping up rotten morsels. And I have begun to resent my poor DH big time, to the point of not wanting him to get too close to me. Am I losing my sanity? After all this years of wanting his closeness, now I dont. He so has no clue, no clue, hwo can he forget everything so easily.

he chooses to forget and not to remember your arguments
that is much easier for him

good luck in your seach

Hello kayah, yes I think so sometimes, but then I look at him, and I think, maybe is just that this is the last thing in his mind? You know that he has stayed up with me almost all night every time I have course work to do and I am stuck? he doesnt let me do any chores, he even makes me dinner, he goes the extra mile for me to do well at uni, proof reads my documents, babysits 4 days a week without a single complaint, erm, he NEVER complains about anything to me, even sleeps in a crappy sofa bed so I can get a good night sleep almost week afger week, bec he snores and wakes me up, so he does this for me. If it has to do with my course work, boy he will pull out at all stops to help me, to support me to be with me. He just doesnt fancy me I think. Sometimes I think he married me out of pity, and when i am feeling hurt and spiteful i think he just married me to ensure himself a carer for when and if he goes blind.
I read some of the posts here and I shudder to find myself in the spot of the adulteress, it's a role i never ever wanted, and life is forcing me to for the moment at least. i cant leave him now, and there isnt enough money for us to go on a proper cousnelling. Arghm life is difficult sometimes. I want to summon bad vibes to hate him, and i cant. He is not a person to be hated, just to be pitied i think, which would offend him so much, having achieved so much in his life with a disability. Another thing that goes out of the picture is another baby. My egss will dry up and never again will I feel life bloom inside of me. We made such a pretty, loving , sweet little girl. What a pity we wont get around to do another one. I would need to make an appointment with him for this. I dont think I can face it.
I am reading two books, the sex starved wife and "i love you but Im not in love with you" , both about how to help your marriage survive after it has gone stale and sour. The one about the sex starved wife aims at making me do all the effort by being kind and gentle with him.well, i dont want to. I am far too sour to be kind and gentle and bring up the topic again and end up having to beg and get upset by his aloofness. If I go down that route one more time I think I might blow my top worse than ever before.
This can go on indefinitely. And then people would just condemn me for not keeping my vows, for not being good to SUCH A GOOD MAN as people refer to him, esp. his mother and my own. I am babbling now, I know. Sorry.
I am not in love with anybody else, nor will I put mysefl in a position to be as it would only complicate matters.
I need to cut the OM loose before he misses me too much, I have no right to hurt even more people. My DH already lookes sad, he knows something is up no matter how many times I say I am tired... yet he wont insist on an honest answer, maybe he fears what it is about. The same old stuff. I stay out of the house a lot in the evenings. Will become a cinema addict again just to be by mysefl once DC is in bed. Maybe I can even write a book about this and thus pave the way for society to let go of this taboo and change its attitude towards asexual men.
Feel like the rug has been pulled from under me and I have nowhere to step on. Have a nice sunday dear mumsnetters.

Nienna- Relate will do email counselling for about £27 but you do have to pay online with a card- is that possible? I think they also offer phone counselling- maybe that would work?

There are loads of websites for married people wanting flings- marriedbutlooking is one, as is www.naughtynicci.com, but be warned that one is very raunchy and the photos are explicit.

You need to protect yourself- although you say you do not want to hurt this young guy, he may get bored and dump you first- how would that feel? I think the fundamental issue with affairs/sex is that it is very rare for 2 people to want the same thing all of the time- feelings usually come into the equation for at least one person.

You might be lucky and you might be able to have unemotional sex- but be warned.

I am not blaming you- what you really need is a fuck buddy- a friend you like who gives you friendship with benefits with no strings.

Long term though it is not the answer.

Eventually you will have to decide whether to stay with your DH or not.

Thanks purplepeony,. I did not see the £27 per email bit, I think I can come up with that somehow. It is cheaper altogether than travelling to the site. Thanks for your advice I will steer clear of explicit sites, I was contemplating some but they are all the same arent they.
I have had friends which had fuck buddies, but none of my UK friends would be suitable, either they dont interest me hormonally at all, or viceversa, in my home country I would have been spoilt for choice but not here. Oh well, who knows.
I am sincerely hoping young man gets fed up of texting and not getting any and deletes my number. it will be a bit sad but it wont hurt me, i am not attached to him.
thanks for taking time to reply, I need to think, emotionally exhausted.

hello. Last night I came back from being out my own, reflecting , and I was hoping DH would have had time to relax and miss me. I came home to be met again with the chaste peck on the lips and no approaches whatsoever. I could have spent the night in the other guy's arms, he texted me asking me to come over to his, I declined. I wanted to have time to thinnk. God knows I was aching for intimacy, but I wanted to give DH another try, without comning on to him. I dressed nicely, put perfume on, I dont think I didnt look desirable. And again, nothing. This morning I noticed he shaved his genitalia, which he normally does before we have intercourse. He hs been doing it sort of on and off lately but i never get to see any of it. Maybe he has someone else? that would be the joke of the year, imagine that one. Anyhow, this morning against better judgement, i dropped something like, it would be a shame to waste that shave, dont u think? he gave me a look like when you come onto someone who does not fancy you whatsoever, a kind of sickened smile, and no comments, off to work. Oh gawd. why did i do that? i texted to say i think my comment was unwelcome by you, sorry , was not my intention. No reply to my text. Well, he may be busy. So i decided to email him today, instead of having the talk. emails to my husband, oh well, we emailed lots at the beginning. here is the email, after edition of names etc

_-
A letter to my beloved

Hi XXX, my love,

This is going to look strange to you, but there is a good reason for it. I need to talk to you about something that we normally hardly have the time to talk about, and it makes you feel very defensive, understandably so, and every time it ends in bitter rows and tears. You guessed it, it's about our life as a couple. Please relax. I wrote this with my heart. If anything comes accross too strong, please know it has never been my intention. read it as coming from someone who loves and cherishes you.

You know I love you dearly, right? I do. And this is why I feel compelled to use whatever means possible to communicate with you.

Darling, I know last time we had this painful talk, you grudginly agreed to go to counselling with me next year, when my degree was over. Now my degree has had a set back and everyhing is a bit up in the air. I honestly have tried to live and wait, but I dont think you realise how much you are asking of me. A couple cant keep waiting for when things get better, because they hardly do, life is a rollercoaster, we have to learn to take it in our stride without letting it affect our love life.

You once told me you cant do anything about issues if you dont have enough information to act on, Well let me give you information, that you may not be aware of:

I am hurting, my love, hurting bad, feeling despair and isolation, but for your sake I have tried to keep a lid on those feelings, to give you breathing space. I think you have noticed this. I have been feeling as if I lived with a loving and caring relative, someone who is not in love with me but that loves me deeply. I am not sure this is how you intended I felt.
I dread being around you and wanting intimacy with you, because I fear another rejection, unless I dress up and look like someone else. And even then, sometimes, I can see you politely make love to me just so I dont get upset. That is dreadful.
I fear trying to make love to you because I feel you may feel hassled, and harrassed and worse, do it just to get me off your back. That has happened so many times in the past, I have decided, to never initiate it again. It hurts me lots, because what comes accross is that for some reason you dont want sex with me, you dont want me just as I am, minus the sexy lingerie and the customes, and baby you have not truly wanted me for a very long time. It's ok to dress up every now and again, it's fun, and you know I like it, but to need to do that as the ONLY way to truly arouse you is a bit too much to ask.
So I have taken the pressure of, at a great cost to my heart and myself, but it's off. The last thing I want to do is make you feel cornered or trapped. I did not marry you to make you feel unhappy, I love you. But I am deepply unhappy myself, and I do know, if we could pinpoint the cause for this, we could fix it very easily.

I have had theories, I have read books, I have done ample research on possible causes for a man to behave like you do. If I want to help us solve our problem, I have to start by gathering information. In the past all I did was make it your problem, and complain. I am sorry for that. I did that out of furstration and desperation. I want to try again the right way.
There could be a number of reasons for this, but only you can truly say which one is the main reason behind it. You have told me in the past that you find orgasming not such a great deal, not many people do when they dont have much experience, I didnt. It is only by having sex many times that you get more comfortable with your body and learn how to enjoy the sense of unity with a partner. But for that, you have to want to do it with the person, if you dont fancy them, no counselling can make it work for you.

WHich brings me to the fundamental question of , maybe you dont really fancy me anymore, or never did? Look, I know I am an attractive woman. I know I am sensual and beautiful. Fact. I am not going to take this as an excuse to put myself down. If this were the case, well, no wonder then and it does not affect me anymore. I have realised I am desirable and lovely to behold, but that I am not every man's type of girl. Could this be the reason behind this? You would never tell me this not to hurt me, you are too kind for that. But you need to ask yourself, in your heart of hearts, whether I really am your type of woman, and whether you really find me sexually attractive. This is fundamental XXX, and please baby dont be afraid of the answer. We dont have to rush and break up and send all we have built together crashing down. We can talk, break the ice and see where talking with the truth in our hands and a cool head takes us. It is not the end of the world if you find you are not truly attracted to me, and it will not break me. I promise you.
It couldbe you have a platonic love for someone else, it could be you are having what ifss...after all you went from being a virgin to marrying a foreigner, so I would understand if you have had, or are having second thoughts. Be that other girl, or man for that matter, or that you simply dont fancy me, this is something you need to work out and let me know in the assurance that you will not be hurting me and I wont crumble or be upset.

If the previous doesnt apply in this case babe, then we should have a look at your health. Did you know that there are a number of conditions with and without obvious sympthoms that could drive your libido down? And the good news is that theyr are ALL easily, very curable, and I have all the info we need on those too. All it takes is a visit to the gp and lots can be eliminated from the list and if you do have one of them, thay can be easily sorted. Dont you think that is worth a try?

If no health issues are involved, then we move onto psychological issues, stress, issues between us that may put you off, needs you have which are not being met, which just like my need for intimacy, are very important for our relationship. It could well be the stress in our life is too much for you, or that some events have made you reluctant, or who knows what. It's not about sexual prowess, because that can only be acquired with practice, and you are very good already. It's just that you are not really there, you show no passion, no real desire; you want it much less than any other activity such as martial arts and reading a good book. But enough of this. The good news is that Relate can help. I got all the info, and it's doable , NOW, not in a year's time. They do telephone and online consultations too.

The other thing is, maybe you could be asexual? have you thought about that? I have information and a website to show you. This is a normal, if less common, sexual preference, like being gay or straight, is not something to be ashamed of. That is another point to consider.

I will stop now, it';s a lot of information.

The main point is, I care for you, and your wellbeing, as I know you care for mine. You probably dont really know the depth of damage this lack of intimacy with you is doing to me, well, now you know it. It is all I think about and it is breaking me. So no wthat you know the facts, I am hoping you will be more amenable to act upon them?

We could have a short cuddle and a talk when you come home tonight. I want to listen to you, more than anything else. You are a great guy, and if you think it is worth it, please help me give our relationship a chance. I think we deserve it, or at least, if we can be honest with each other, that can only be good, even if we were not to be a couple anymore. There are ways around everything.

Sorry for the length of the email, but at least we didnt argue, I didnt get upset and shouted at you, and you didnt need to feel defensive.

Love you,

Me.

_
Sorry for the enormity of this post. I do appreciate you have lives to lead.

I poured my heart on this email, only thing I didnt write about was the OM, because I dont know if this is worth bring ing up yet or not. I hope I didnt make a terrible mistake.

Waiting for him to come home. wish me luck.

good luck, N x

I think your email was brilliant and I wish you lots of luck.

dear all, today in the morning the atmosphere in my house was a lot less charged, and it was easier to breathe. Last night, my DH came home, I had his dinner ready after his shower, he ate, we talked a bit about this and that, I was stressed because of course work, but was nice to him. Then I saw him seat on the setee and I decided I will go to bed, he prob didnt read the email. Then he said, dont I get a good night? so i went and hugged him and THEN he said, I read your email. When do you want to talk? so I said, now is good, and I will listen this time. So we sat around the table and I felt calm, collected. He wanted me to seat closer but I said I was ok as I was, had my legs on a chair etc. SO fine, he began, to talk, and I listened attentively. He said that email was a good idea, because he does feel very defensive and self counscious about the problem. And that when I cry or shout he closes up immediately, and doesnt listen at all.
He said lots of things, things like, "I dont think I am asexual, but I do think I am terrified of initiationg sex because I simply dont know how to. I never had to, you did it for me all the time, and I have never been trained. Before, I never had any friends to go out with with whom I would explore these things, so it's not natural to me. When I have thought of it I feel like I am invading your personal space and that I am rubbish at it. I just cant initiate it. I feel clumpsy and awkward, and it makes me feel anxious. Once we get going it's alright (NOTE, not "good", or "great", but "alright") but I just dont know what to do. I do find you attractive, especially when you smile. But I, we, have lost the initial love for each other after so much arguing. " he also said that because I was always so stressed out, I became in his eyes a synonym for anger, bad mood, black cloud, and that it put him off. That he loves it when I am happy and smiling, because then I can be very sweet, and that relaxes him around me. he knows thats imposisble to keep up all the time, but that when I am not angry, I am the sweetest person. He feels that bec I keep picking at things he does around the house and with the DC he feels he can do nothing right and that it's only a matter of time before I explode at him for this or that. He was right on this. I have been so unhappy...because of the lack if intimacy...so it has been a vicous circle. That seing me always about to or losing it has made his love for me wane in a way. And he knows mine has too. He said he thinks he is very stressed out and that he cant cope. So stress is a factor. He has noticed how calm I have been in the past few weeks and that he loves it around me when I am like that. At this point I cringed, thinking, if you knew what I had to do to keep calm around you, if you only knew what is the source of my new found calm...
He said it is true that sex not high at all in his priorities. That he learned to live without it, and got used to it. That he spends the days doing a million things and when weekends come he feels the need to catch up on his sleep and house chores with me, spend time with the DC and have time for himself. He doesnt think much of sex and doesnt understand all the hype. Which brought us to the point about maybe he having low testosterone.
He did say it is worth taking the GP route to screen for low testosterone, because he thinks that may be part of it. So he will make appointments by himself, no prodding from me, and see where it goes. I offered to go with him, and hold his hand, and be there for him. And he liked that.
Then we talked about sexual training, I said once we rule out any conditions, once you WANT to have sex with me (or anybody) then it will come more natural to him. That his body will take over and find ways to enjoy himself. That from there, the rest was a lot easier. he agreed. We discussed diet changes, and he agreed a full check up is needed.
I suggested that if none of these approaches work or after we do them we coud do sexual therapy together. He nodded and agreed that may be something worth looking at. I have personal plans for this stage, which include him practcing with someone else, but in order not to scare him , I left that unsaid. Too many changes too soon and he will back off and raise the walls again. He was bullied as a young man for being disabled, and since then, he hides his feelings very easily if he feels threatened. I was bullied too, but hey, I got the marks to prove that I fought back. I may be small but I go wild when people pick on me or those I love. We are soo different.

It was a positive, constructive talk. It is the first time I didnt feel remotely piqued or angry. He was VERY nervous, wringing his hands, his face was taut with anxiety, on the verge of tears more than once, I could see how much it cost him to talk about this. I wanted to run across the table and hug him and tell him it will be ok, but I resisted. He has to do this by himself. It will make him stronger. But he talked, he did it. And I hope , he follows up. That is the real test. To follow up. I have brought him to this point before, albeit the wrong way, and he never did any follow up. Let us see if he will this time.
I promised him I will do whatever it takes to keep calm around him, and I will. Even if that means seeking it elsewhere in order to give him time without pressure. The last thing I can do now is put pressure on him. he has had a hard life, and he is a good person, he deserves a chance. So I need to find release elsewhere until he is ready. In his own time. I looked at him and I felt a warm glow in my heart. Not passion or desire for him, but love, and that is good. I thought I didnt love him anymore. I will be kind and considerate, and I will do my best to stay away from trouble, will keep that toyboy for emergencies only, when I cant take it anymore. If I could find someone in my position, that would be better. But that's hard to find. so I will be more careful and discrete.
I would like to thank you all for listening, being there for me all these (very long) posts. If there is anything I can help anyone here with, I will with pleasure. even if that is confined to reading your posts and moral support. I was right to come here. real people, with real problems and perspectives, is a great measuring standard.

Thank you. I will keep you posted.

I wish you all the best of luck

The only thing that made me a bit worried about your last post is where you said "I have personal plans (for the sex therapy) that include him practicing with someone else..."

wtf ???

I can only speak for myself....but that is very controlling and very, very scary for someone with sexual dysfunction. You will scare the shit out of him!" He probably doesn't want to have sex with anyone else, for goodness sake ! Please do not push that aspect of him seeking treatment, I fear it will be counterproductive.

Just my thoughts, and, FWIW, I have never undergone sex therapy so don't know how common "practicing with others" is...but I would want no part of it.

However, I guess a sexual therapist will guide you better than I ever could

Goodness. How are you going to feel about him sleeping with someone else? That is a high risk idea imo as he might find he enjoys it a lot with them..