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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Old Bags No More - The Brave Babes & the Battle with the Booze

982 replies

MoominMags · 15/07/2010 09:26

Well, here we go ladies (and MIFLAW)! The new thread to follow on from JWN's 'me and alcohol have ruined my family'. I hope no one minds that I decided to go with 'brave'? I just think that it describes us!

As a quick recap, I am 33 and on day 22 of sobriety (on this occasion!)

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algee · 20/07/2010 12:23

actually chatty sounds fluffy and benign. scrub that, whiskey bitch troll from hell, everything else, annoying opinionated tit head. so proud of myself...!

algee · 20/07/2010 12:26

wrinkly...i'm a relative newcomer, only day 12 for me, so one of the others will be along to offer sage advice, but DO IT! It's really tough, and I know you can't get to sleep without a drink, but I also know you can, and you'll probably sleep better too!

I'm at the point at the moment where if I get as far as 7ish in the day, I know I will be able to ride out the rest of the day...

someone who knows what they're talking about out there????

gettingwrinkly · 20/07/2010 12:32

Thanks Algee.

It doesn't bother me during the day, it's always the evenings, which is why I think I've managed to convince myself for so long that "I don't have a problem" - I'm not pouring vodka on my cornflakes so I can't be alcoholic,right! I've been deluding myself for years.

MIFLAW · 20/07/2010 12:56

Wrinkly

You are very unlikely to die from lack of sleep.

you have an extremely good chance of dying from drink, either directly or indirectly.

Rest assured that, however bad you think your drinking is now, it is almost certain to get worse within the year and to continue to do so. By worse, I mean that your control is likely to decrease (8 will become 7) but also that the consequences to your mental and physical health, dignity and life with others will be increasingly affected.

IT IS NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

The good news is that, if you have decided to do something about it, there is a solution, and your life can get unimaginably better in a comparatively short time. The worst of your days as a non-drinker will be better than the best of your days as a drunk.

There are a range of approaches to this solution, with or without AA, but most people would agree on the following as a basis for getting better.

Take it one day at a time - don't project or plan
Allow yourself to be helped by others who have been there - accept that you cannot beat this alone and that you are not all-powerful
If you fail, try again
If you succeed, try to be grateful
When you've had a couple of days free of the drink, start thinking about what is wrong in your life APART from the drink and what you personally can do to fix it
Be ready to help others who are even newer than you
focus on not drinking - don't beat yourself up on other "bad behaviours" like eating or smoking too much, you can fix that later
Keep a clear idea in your mind of what drinking is REALLY like, at least when you're involved
Most important of all, remember - you are not a bad person trying to get good, you are a sick person trying to get well

Happy to help in any way I can if you would like it.

Good luck.

MoominMags · 20/07/2010 12:57

Hi there wrinkly!

I laughed to see the bit about cornflakes and vodka because that's what I always told myself too! What a joke!

It is important to take it 'one day at a time' and not focus too much on the future. Have you got any support in real life? Would you consider an AA meeting? I would never push anyone into it but give it a go if you can - it will change your life.

MIFLAW - we need you over here!

OP posts:
MoominMags · 20/07/2010 12:58

He's already here!

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gettingwrinkly · 20/07/2010 13:05

Thanks Miflaw,
Sitting here crying now - with relief I think? I like the last point best of all, it's also the most meaningful as I feel like such a failure for never having enough willpower, especially when my husband tells me to just don't have a drink, as though that's the simplest thing in the world.
Not sure about AA, need to give it some serious thought - admitting the problem to myself is something I've known for months and months if not years, but admitting it to other people is the scary bit.

gettingwrinkly · 20/07/2010 13:10

Hi Moominmags, my husband (am I supposed to shorten this - is that what all the DH stuff means?) is wonderful and very very paient but he doesn't do emotional stuff, he looks embarressed and runs for the hills till I'm calm and rational again. Also backed myslf into a corner by insisting to the rest of my family that I don't have a problem.

MoominMags · 20/07/2010 13:11

You've already admitted it to us - you're halfway there! Have a look into where there are meetings near you if you can and at least then you know where they are if you suddenly change your mind.

It's great to have you on board. Did you read the original thread too? (Where JWN kicked it all off for us!)

Alcoholism is nothing about willpower wrinkly. We have all felt weak and weak-willed over this. Some people don't like to hear it but we are ill and just trying to get better one day at a time.

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MoominMags · 20/07/2010 13:12

Oops - cross posted with you there! Yes, dh is husband. I don't really get all this stuff either!

Don't worry about what other people do or don't think about your drinking. At this stage you need to be really kind to yourself.

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gettingwrinkly · 20/07/2010 13:20

Thank you both. Yes I've read from the original thread, all in one sitting this morning. Being kind to myself doesn't come easy, that's probably the same for lots of people - I expect perfection from myself, but not from other people. Steep learning curve approaching I think.

algee · 20/07/2010 13:25

phew!!!
my dh can't get why I don't just reign it in either, but then he does recognise that our personalities are poles apart, he ought to after all these years!

That said he is really supporting me, including accepting a night cap if I offer it, or enjoying a beer or whatever. I spent years not giving up, one of my excuses being that dh would feel obliged to stop too. Somehow I twisted that so that I never stopped, because it would be unfair on him.

In fact what has been unfair on him has been my jekyl and hyde behaviour, and general deviousness as far as alchohol is concerned. I'm lucky still to have him.

look forward to 'getting to know you' better

MoominMags · 20/07/2010 13:26

We talk about wanting perfection a lot in AA. It's a trait a lot of alkies seem to share. (And some non-alkies too of course.)

I hope that you have got a bit of inspiration from the thread. Just keep posting - as much as you want. There's normally someone about and we all look out for each other. (For instance, there has been no sign of curry for a while and we are all shouting out for her.)

The more the merrier! (If that doesn't sound too daft on a thread about alcoholics!)

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MIFLAW · 20/07/2010 13:27

I think I might have said it on the other thread (which youi have read) but, in my case, I am convinced that my ordinarily strong willpower worked against me as a drinker (and smoker, but that's another story.) When ordinary people would have said, "I feel sh1t, there is no way I can possibly drink today" I would force it down me, like taking medicine, because I knew I would feel better afterwards.

In every other respect my willpower was irrelevant bacuase I would just "deicde" that I was going to drink after all. After all, why shouldn't I? It wasn't like I drank in the mornings (except when I did) or wore old, smelly clothes (except when I did) or slept rough (except when I did, because I'd fallen asleep and woken up in yet another terminus) - so I couldn't be an alcoholic!

algee · 20/07/2010 13:32

...phew because of the arrival of sensible types!

MoominMags · 20/07/2010 13:36

algee - I was delighted to see that MIFLAW was on the case! A big phew from me on that one!

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gettingwrinkly · 20/07/2010 13:37

I am feeling so much better than I did an hour ago. The reason I decided to sign in and join up this morning was because everyone on the thread was so kind and non-judgemental to each other. So the first 24 hours - what did you all do to get through? I've read the bit about taking it an hour at a time, which I'll try, but I know I will need to be busy doing something, it's when I think I can sit down and relax that I need a drink, I think that's how it started, when my children were small, a 'reward' for getting through the day.

algee · 20/07/2010 13:37
Grin
MIFLAW · 20/07/2010 13:39

"admitting it to other people is the scary bit." So don't admit it!

Turn up, sit at theback, stay right till theend and LISTEN. If anyone asks you if you have a problem with drink, be honest - say, "I don't know."

The slogan "keep it simple" is there for a reason ...

MoominMags · 20/07/2010 13:40

Personally I went to an AA meeting on the first night - always do that when I start again! (I am hoping that this is the last time I 'start again'!)

I also like to:
do housework (I know, I know)
read
go for a long walk
post on MN when I can

Others on here seem to do more interesting things though: swimming, meditation, baking(!!).

Anything grab your fancy?

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MoominMags · 20/07/2010 13:41

And I eat a lot more chocolate than I ever did when boozing

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algee · 20/07/2010 13:45

for moomin, not you wrinkly, in case that seemed a bit off!!

I drank more soda and lime than I think it is possible to drink! I HAD to have a glass in my hand. Over the last few days I've been drinking tonic with ice and a slice, my afternon drink was vodka...it's good, but golly those first few days were tough.

MoominMags · 20/07/2010 13:47

I am never without Diet Coke! I seem to need to have a drink to hand too.

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algee · 20/07/2010 13:47

Golly

algee · 20/07/2010 13:50

I haven't found anything to fill the 'void'; almost all normal activities, housework, writing, reading, watching a film associate with a drink!

Packing up a house and sorting out a garden in a few weeks may be the way forward for me... but that's a way off yet!

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