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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate my husband.

77 replies

RespectTheDoughnut · 14/07/2010 16:55

I still have the capacity to love him, but I just don't.

He treats me so badly most of the time & talks to be as if I'm something he stepped in. There is no respect there.

Occasionally, he'll be nice & cuddle me & it'll feel like everything's okay. Occasionally, he'll get really upset at how he treats me & apologise & say things will get better, that he'll go back on his anti-depressants, etc. But it never happens.

I want to be happy with him. I want him to love & respect me & for us to live happily ever after with DS. But at the moment, I just can't live with him. Yet every time he gives me a little bit of hope by being nice, it resets everything. It's like I can't hold myself together enough to ignore it. I know this makes me weak.

I hate living like this. I hate crying every single day & being called names. I hate him. But I want so badly for him to make it so I can love him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 14/07/2010 18:57

Will respond to other points later.

He is currently telling me that he can't be abusive, because he doesn't know that he does it. Also, it's that I can't let myself be happy & even if he were perfect, he'd 'still be in the doghouse'.

That's crap, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 14/07/2010 19:00

Oh, apparently I've misquoted him. He didn't state it as fact - he said that's what he thinks / feels. It's important to make that clear

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 19:00

yes

overmydeadbody · 14/07/2010 19:00

You know, you don't love this man, you just love the ide of being in a loving marriage, and you are trying (failing) to cling on to this one and force it to be the loving relationship you so crave and deserve.

But the bottom line is, you will never get what you want with this man. You will only be happy by freeing yourself from this man and starting fres, while you are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you.

I really do hope you don't waste your life clinging onto the hope and dream of something that isn't actually there and never will be.

People don't change. Situations do.

Doozie · 14/07/2010 19:00

He has a lot of problems, but they are not your problems.

Don't waste another second and get the hell out of there. Do you have friends you can stay with? Or is there a women's shelter or charity you can approach? They are there to help in these situations.

He will NEVER change.

You say he's a good dad, but how he treats you and speaks to you, he is a terrible role model for your son.

Good luck.

overmydeadbody · 14/07/2010 19:04

Don't listen to what he says, or waste time telling us all what he says, just consentrate on listening to all the good advice people have given you here and what AF has written.

Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 14/07/2010 19:36

I find it sort of helpful to repeat what he says, because it makes me realise that it's crazy. It's beginning to sound crazy as he says it, but then I doubt myself. He makes me doubt myself. He says that I overreact & make out like I'm 'little miss perfect', etc. I don't think that either of those things is true. He also says that he doesn't want to have to fix things & that he just wishes they were fixed. Therein lies the problem, I think.

AF, I promised when I continued with the unplanned pregnancy that I would continue with my studies as planned. It is also the most sensible option - I need my degree so I can support me & DS adequately.

IGA - to be fair, he didn't move the relationship quickly. The unexpected pregnancy did. But I'm beginning to think that you might be right about the 'fake' him. All along I've thought that that was real & that, at worst, it was almost a multiple personality thing going on. It's hard to believe that it could've all been made up, but there's little evidence to the contrary.

Everyone else - thank you. I appreciate the advice / compassion more than I can say.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 19:50

Promised who, RTD ? Your parents ?

Are you seriously suggesting your parents would rather you got that bit of paper than escape a relationship that just isn't working.?

You can suspend or defer your studies. But you cannot suspend or defer your life. Because while you suspend it, it rushes by and before you know it you have 3 more kids, a face full of wrinkles and a trodden-down persona. And any fight or spark you had in you departed years ago.

Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 14/07/2010 19:53

Yeah, my parents. But I really feel that I should complete my studies if I possibly can. Which I may not be able to. But it is a high priority for me.

I do, however, know that you're right. I'm trying to find a balance.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 19:54

OK...I can see you are determined

whatname · 14/07/2010 19:56

your studies are important, and if I were you I would try and hang on in there, but not at the expense of your happiness. You will be able to pick up your studies at a later date, go and talk to your tutors or the advisors at your college, they will understand, and they will take your personal circumstances into consideration.
I would also sit down and talk to your parents, they obviously don't know how serious this situation is.

valiumSingleton · 14/07/2010 19:56

That's classic emotional abuse RTD, repeating your words back to you but giving them a different meaning. A sinister one, twisting everything, but using your own words to make you look crazy and bad. My x did that.

You can sort your WHOLE life out but you can't do it when your emotional resources are being totally sapped, just getting through each day and staying sane.

If your parents won't help you, then what about WA? Will you ring them?

What harm can it do? I've heard that they don't 'tell' you what to do. They just help you figure it out, and if you want help then they'll help you.

I think you might be doing your parents a disservice. I hid the worst of my x's behaviour from them because I was so ashamed. Is it possible that you are doing the same?? If you are truthful with them about how unhappy you are with him, then they won't want to see you miserable. Nobody should have to pay for their mistakes with such misery indefinitely, and what is your mistake? you had a baby?? whom they love and would not send back!! You're their child too. Tell them that you need their help. Don't try to hide how bad this situation is! I know you feel like a child who's messed up and it's a bit embarrassing. I did this in my 30s! I had to go back to my parents for help. And I have never regretted it.

Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 14/07/2010 19:57

I've already had to repeat a year because of a bad pregnancy & will have to do resits this year because of PND, exacerbated by H

OP posts:
Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 14/07/2010 20:00

I'm beginning to be more open with my parents, but they won't understand that he just won't change. For example my dad says things like 'why don't you write him a letter & explain things?', as if that'll make all the difference - that it's just a breakdown in communication causing the issues.

I don't really want to phone WA. I'm not in any danger & I wouldn't want to waste the resource for those who need it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 20:00

You will get there in the end.

When he isn't dragging you down.

valiumSingleton · 14/07/2010 20:09

My uncle did a law degree in his 60s! Now I know you don't want to leave it that long, but there is a kind of way of thinking in our twenties (mine are gone!!) that makes us think that it's now or never, and if it's not now it's too late! But that isn't true. BUT one thing that does need urgent attention is to remove yourself and your child from a toxic environment. The irony is that once you're away from that negativity and out of the bad atmosphere, things will 'come to you' more easily. Things that used to overwhelm me, just thinking about them seemed less insurmountable after I'd 'escaped'.

valiumSingleton · 14/07/2010 20:11

RTD, they are there to help people in your situation. I know I used to think that WA weren't for 'people like me' but they were for people in my situation. You feel trapped between a rock and a hard place, you are being verbally abused, it's only because of a distorted mindset that they think that WA aren't for you.

Looking back on things now, with the benefit of 3 years sanity, peace and recovery, I do wish I'd rung them.

Megancleo · 14/07/2010 20:14

."..you don't love this man, you just love the idea of being in a loving marriage....you will never get what you want from this man."
This, and much more that is written here is your only real worry, RespecttheDoughnut! I know it seems impossible to leave with no money, debts, lack of family support etc but please start looking at every possability. I stayed for 22 years because...perhaps it wasn't as bad as I thought, perhaps he was right, he was depressed, I had 3dc...reasons and reasons that got me through yet another year with a man that I could no longer respect, even in the good times. In the end I was a wreck and left in very bad circumstances because I knew I would go cuckoo if I stayed Longer. The last year was hard, very hard sometimes but i am alive again, can breath and slowly have started to find my self-confidence again. you are young, please don't stay in such a lousy relationship for so long that one day you will look in the mirror and won't recognise yourself.Get out asap and enjoy your ds childhood AND YOUR LIFE:

lalalonglegs · 14/07/2010 20:24

As you said earlier, most people your age aren't "even in proper relationships, let alone failing marriages". You're so right, most of us at that age were allowed to make our mistakes and move on and I'm so sorry that you feel trapped. But your age will work to your advantage, you will be able to leave and put this down to experience, build a whole new life.

I think it was AF who said a bit further up that your son could end up turning against his father if he sees him constantly disrespecting you but I think it is just as likely that he will start to imitate his behaviour if he sees him as the dominant force in his life. Protect yourself and your son from your husband's malign influence. It might mean your parents are upset for a short while but better that than years of being worn down by him and they will come round.

womblingfree · 14/07/2010 21:32

I'm not going to tell you to leave DH - you know him and yourself better than anyone here.

What I will say is if you are really unhappy and sure you don't want to be in this relationship don't let the practicalities stop you leaving. You can get so much help - from Uni, Surestart family centre if you have one nearby and it sounds like your parents would back you too if push came to shove.

It will only get harder as your DS gets older. I know cos my DH is behaving like this at the mo (there are issues which are potentially resolvable but never seem to stay resolved IYKWIM). Our DD is nearly 6 and well aware of what is going on and it is absolutely heartbreaking.

FWIW I'm not sure how much help him having counselling can be unless he is able to identify and admit to his issues. My DH went for counselling and after 2 sessions announced that he and his 'counsellor' had got to the bottom of the problem and he 'wouldn't be so angry/grumpy if I didn't piss him off so much'!

AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 21:38

wf...and you are still with this man ???

womblingfree · 14/07/2010 21:44

The counselling was a long time ago and there were extenuating circumstances at the time. I'm fairly sure that even then DH realised the counsellor was being a complete knob!

Basically we have an ongoing situation with one anothers parents (he can't stand my mum, I can't stand his and they can't stand each other) - every so often something happens and we get caught in the cross fire which then affects our relationship.

It's mostly a sulking/withdrawal thing, rather than criticism or verbal abuse, but still not at all pleasant.

And yes, I have and do consider my options every time we go through this....

AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 21:50

I am sorry, wf, it sounds shit

womblingfree · 14/07/2010 21:53

AF - it is shit. But most of the time things tick along normally and I don't see why I should end my marriage basically because of our parents issues (and I wouldn't want to give MIL the satisfaction of thinking she'd managed to get rid of me )!

AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 21:57

why don't you get your respective parents the fuck out of your marriage ????

you two should be a united front against the both of them, tbh

sorry to hijack thread, btw

wf, no need to answer if you don't wish to