I hate my husband.

[RespectTheDoughnut]

I still have the capacity to love him, but I just don't.

He treats me so badly most of the time & talks to be as if I'm something he stepped in. There is no respect there.

Occasionally, he'll be nice & cuddle me & it'll feel like everything's okay. Occasionally, he'll get really upset at how he treats me & apologise & say things will get better, that he'll go back on his anti-depressants, etc. But it never happens.

I want to be happy with him. I want him to love & respect me & for us to live happily ever after with DS. But at the moment, I just can't live with him. Yet every time he gives me a little bit of hope by being nice, it resets everything. It's like I can't hold myself together enough to ignore it. I know this makes me weak.

I hate living like this. I hate crying every single day & being called names. I hate him. But I want so badly for him to make it so I can love him again.

At first it was anger management counselling. Then two about his behaviour / his family background (he doesn't come from a happy marriage, but it's not mine to get into here) & then a session on his own with a Relate counsellor which we just can't afford & he didn't find it helpful anyway.

whoodoo - that's partly it. My parents just say that he needs to grow up / that they want to bang our heads together / that I should make it clear that I won't tolerate it. I tell him all the time how serious I am. I haven't worn my rings for months. Today I made an appointment with a solicitor to see if I'm entitled to legal aid, but I may have to reschedule it for logistical reasons.

I told him about the appointment & he's still being nasty to me, but looking for a flat at the same time (we can't afford anything, I don't know how it'll work). Later tonight, he'll tell me how much he doesn't want to leave, how much he wants to get better, how he'll go to the doctor's, etc... It's so difficult.

One thing I discovered RTD is that a lot of normal decent people don't get this, can't get it! because they have no experience of dealing with somebody like this. They erroneously and naively believe that if you 'just' reason with somebody then they will see reason.

That may be true for most decent reasonable people, but you're dealing with something completely different here.

You may only be 21, but you don't need your parents permission or even approval to end this relationship. YOU know that it is making YOU unhappy. You aren't obliged to give over a decade or more of your life trying to show that you have tried your best trying to make this work. In your h's eyes, nothing would EVER be enough. IN his eyes, you'll have failed, and that is hard to live with for a short while, but ONLY for a while, because when you're away from him you get to the point where you don't care what he thinks.

I don't need their permission, but if he leaves, I'll need their financial support, so I'd rather have them on side. They'd never leave me & DS to starve, obviously, but it could get awkward. They warned me about the implications of continuing the pregnancy, but I carried on anyway. Obviously everyone loves DS now he's here.

You're right about the reasoning, thing though. They think it all comes down to communication & that I'm just silently letting it happen.

oh and SIL married a twat at 23. On her wedding night he tried to punch her - nice! She spent 10 years with him again cos she didn't want a failed marriage and she wanted to stay together for the children (which he didn't ever bother to see as he was mainly in the pub). Turns out he was gay and angry about it - she and the kids were his cover - her children had to witness some horrible violent incidents. She is in a mess now even 6 years on and has very, very low self esteem.

Your first obligation is to your son - is this relationship a positive experience for him? Your second obligation is to yourself - is it damaging your self esteem? You do not have any obligation to stay with your husband to make him happy or your parents from the point of view of not embarrasing them with a failed marriage. A minor embarassment now is much better than a lifetime of regret.

This is the thing, though. He isn't violent. He's a good dad. When he's nice, I really like him. I used to adore him. It seems such a waste.

I remember when my parents believed the problem was along these lines, so I do get it honestly..

For a long time they didn't get how awful things were, partly because I think I was too ashamed to tell them that he called me every name under the sun.

Tell your parents the names he calls you. It's embarrassing, but they need to know what you're up against. Tell them that you can't reason with him, and tell them that you no longer want to try. Tell them you can not love him any more, that his behaviour has made him unloveable.

Admit to them that you made a huge error of judgment and that now you and their grandchild need their help.... that's basically what I had to do. After initial shock, they were totally supportive. They wanted me to be happily married I guess but they realised the didn't want me to appear to be happily married but actually miserable. So as soon as they reappraised the real facts they were totally supportive. I hope yours are too.

The chances are that when you are with your parents and your soon to be x (!) sees that they are 'protecting you' and making it 'easy' for you to leave, he will reveal his true colours to them. Then they will get it.

He can be a good Dad from a different address to you. My children are happy, honestly, don't stay for your son. Please don't.

OK - a good dad when he's nice - but does your son have to witness the way he talks to you?

It's practically complicated though.

We have no money. None. We are already in a lot of debt to my parents / credit cards & still go overdrawn ever month.

He is waiting to start a work placement, but has no start date yet. It should be in the next couple of weeks. Then he has to wait to get paid.

His family live 3+ hours away in the car. We can't afford the petrol there & back, never mind on a regular basis. He has nowhere local to stay & no income until he's been working for a few weeks. I don't know how we're going to do it.

DS is only 15 months & we try not to argue in front of him. But I know that it's not good enough.

OK - you owe your parents money but that's better than some loan shark. Can you move in with your folks and leave him in your flatand then give notice on it in a month or two when he gets paid and can find somewhere of his own? Think valiumsingleton gives sound advice that you need to lay it all on the table for your parents and see if they can support you in some way.

Therefore you have nothing to lose darling. Check out www.entitledto.com and pack your bags.

I can't leave here. My parents live 100 miles away & I'm a student at the university here. His family live further away. We don't have any friends to stay with at the moment (he has studenty friends, but they're home for the summer).

You'd only really be cutting off a liability if you finished things with this guy. Your parents can't really have that high an opinion of him, he owes them money? He isn't working at the moment? (ok, that happens to the best of us too).

I left my x with a debt. My youngest child was 14 months. When the dust settles and you see things clearly, how awful the atmosphere you lived in was, your biggest regret will probably be that you didn't leave sooner.

Please don't worry about his family or how he'd get to see your son if you split up. You can't worry about everything. You need to prioritise yourself and your son's well-being. The best thing you can do for your son is to remove him from this environment.

You be honest to your parents. Don't sugar coat it. Tell them honestly how awful it is. The names, that you're walking on egg shells, that you don't love him any more, tell them you made a big mistake and you need their help right now. Save yourself and your son, and leave him to sort out his own priorities, debts and life. don't let your life and your happiness be a sacrifice to his convenience. You can be a good mother and I'm sure you will be.

entitledto doesn't work for me, because I'm a student (as is he).

To clarify - we're both students. He is having a sandwich year for a work placement which hasn't started yet. Student loans are not designed to cover the summer, as normal students go back to their families. We're having lots of problems with Housing Benefit at the moment - we're entitled to the full amount over the summer (but it takes ages to start up, although it's backdated) & we have an appeal going through at the moment because they refuse to calculate it properly & are giving us about £10/week.

I've told my parents all of this. I think they think I'm being a bit dramatic. They're probably worried that they're going to get dragged in for childcare, etc. They obviously want us to just have a happy marriage. They married even younger than we did & they've made it work. They don't understand the problem.

Well, I've never met him and I hate him too.

Love, you are 21.

Think about when you are old, like me.

Do you want to be unhappy, ground down, criticised, had your spark bullied out of you, losing the respect of your children blah blah blah when you are in your 40's ?

When you start losing your energy and settling for the few crumbs he throws you when he senses he has pushed you too far ? Unfortunately, the further you let him cross a line, the further he will push you

Bullying men will start on their children too, you know

Nice and sweet when toddlers adore daddy and daddy can do no wrong. But they grow up, and realise actually, daddy is a bit of a nob who shouts at mummy. So they start to kick back (hopefully...) but daddy doesn't like his authority being questioned, does he ?

I am looking into your crystal ball here, love, and it ain't pretty

Don't leave it until you don't know your arse from your elbow.

If you have nothing now...you have nothing to lose.

Swallow your pride, and go back to your family. You will gain much, much more than you thought possible....

is there any form of student body/counselling service that can advise of how you could get help? - do they still have hardship funds to help out in difficult circumstances. Sure you must qualify for some help - financial or practical given your a young mum. Don't worry about him and his housing situation. You and your son are your immediate priority.

AF, I was waiting for you

I know you're right. I just wish things were different. Obviously they can't be. It still hurts too much to let myself fully realise that, though.

As for student help - it's quite complicated, because the rules for students on benefits are so odd & it's not a usual circumstance to have two students with a baby - even the people whose job it is to work only with benefits don't know what they're doing (hence the dispute over HB, for a start). I will go & see what they can do, though. It's not like I have a choice.

No if only for your son's sake. You don't have a choice.

Anyfucker - do you know my sister in law? - you describe her situation perfectly

Yes, please listen to your advice here, RTD.

He is not a nice man. He never was! The "nice" him was a fake - bait, to reel you in. He puts it on again when he thinks you might be wriggling on your hook. You say your realtionship moved very fast. This often happens with abusers, as they like to get you hooked quickly (so they haven't got to keep playing "nice" for too long.) It's really quite horrid.

Genuinely abusive behaviour is so far away from the norm, it's no surprise that it works. Just as you say, we assume there are communication issues; we take on board the abuser's (invariably) problematic background; we're even prepared to believe we should modify our own behaviour. Abuse feeds on this, seeing normal compassionate people as targets.

There is no shame in facing this, any more than there'd be shame in facing the fact that you got wet if you fell in a pool! You were taken unawares; it happens. Disappointment, yes - and justifiable anger - but no shame.

Repeat to your parents exactly what he says & does to you. Maybe video him on your phone, or leave the voice recorder on while he has a go at you!

You're only 21. You have a beautiful baby who will grow up while you do. There's so much better in store for the both of you! Go for better, my love, you deserve it. So does your son.

you so deserve to be happy.
he has his problems and it sounds like you have tried to help him, but there is only so much you can do.
Please leave him, when I read that you were 21, I could see your whole life mapped out for you as an abused wife. Life is too short, you can be happy without him.
finances will sort themselves out. Go and see the Citizens advice people they are very helpful

Your studies can be picked up later.

You are 21, for goodness sake. You have decades to catch up

You are young enough to be my daughter. She likes doughnuts too . In fact, I fully respect people who like doughnuts

If she was telling me this, I would advise her to leave him, no matter how "complicated" the situation. I am not belittling how complicated it is, btw, or of course you would have sorted it.

But nothing, nothing is more important that your happiness. Your son will be happy wherever you are, and if mummy is not being constantly demoralised. No man is worth this. Not even the father of your child.

You will have to admit you made mistakes. That is tough to do. But it would be a much, much bigger mistake to keep throwing your love into this empty pit of a man. A bit like the analogy of "throwing good money after bad". You have to stop before there is nothing left in the pot.

Think about these things. Think about when you start to feel your youth has somehow slipped away un-noticed because you were having to concentrate too hard to keep this selfish man happy.

Does that seem like a good future, to you ?