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Original poster

does this sound casual to you?

71 replies

rainyweather · 13/07/2010 10:07

Just wanted to get a consensus about this before i speak to him about it.

Met a man 5 weeks ago, We got on well, but he said he was looking for something more casual than a serious relationship. Been a bit dry on the male front myself, i thought why not.

But since then, he either phones, texts, msns me every day, the whole time. We see each other at least a couple of times a week. We have planned to spend all of fri/sat together, then hes away sunday, but asked if i was free monday.

Yes, theres a lot of sex, but also a lot of wine, and joking, and talking and films, and just hanging out.

I always thought casual was a bit less often, and not the constant contact. He says he loves talking to me.

hes always inviting me to his, hes been here.

So, im wondering if i should say something, and if so what? or is this just casual but in adifferent way?

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 13/07/2010 10:09

what exactly do you want?

Original poster
rainyweather · 13/07/2010 10:09

actually, i just just replied to a text he sent, about sometime, and he came back with saying in a few weeks time he will be able to and cant wait

So, what on earth is that, i dont think casual has ever met plans that are a few ( i know how many weeks, 4) ahead.

OP posts:
compo · 13/07/2010 10:10

Why say something? Just go with the flow , sounds lovely

Bramshott · 13/07/2010 10:11

Does it matter?! It sounds fun! Wait and see what happens!

msboogie · 13/07/2010 10:16

perhaps he said that and meant it at the time and now he can't get enough of you?

It could be that this is his get-out clause for if he gets bored later but you've got your eyes open, yes?

I wouldn't say anything - just go with the flow!

Original poster
rainyweather · 13/07/2010 10:16

because im trying to work out what hes thinking.
and if i should keep dating other people because this is something ' casual'

ive done casual in the past, this just doesnt seem it. Like, we have been constantly texting since 8.30am this morning. Instigated by him. Yesterday He text me straight out of work, then there was a 3 hour phone marathon.

and ive never known casual when he is planning something a month away.

It just doesnt seem casual. thats all. Wanted to see if anyone agreeded with me.

and thinks i should say sometihng, or just wait and see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainyweather · 13/07/2010 10:21

he said it the first day we met. Which was 5 weeks ago now. But we have not spoken about it since.

It is fun.

the only worry for me, is that i will get attached, because of the whole texting/talking/msn when we arent seeing each other, then will feel a bit rubbish when it ends.

if it was casual in a once every few weeks, booty call to see if your free type thing... then thats different.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 13/07/2010 10:22

I think you should wait and see what happens. He may have had his fingers burnt in the past and want to convince himself he's just being casual this time. Or he could be manipulative and suddenly blow hot and cold at you leaving you confused and upset. It's very hard for anyone to say at a distance.

Just enjoy being with him and see where it leads. Up to you if you want to date other people, but I can't see when you'd find the time

aseriouslyblondemoment · 13/07/2010 10:23

fwiw he sounds v much like i did when i met dp
i wasn't looking for anything serious and i made that clear but somehow it just developed iyswim
just go with the flow and enjoy it as you are doing

Original poster
rainyweather · 13/07/2010 10:27

no, me neither.

i dont think he is manipulative. hes a nice guy sort actually.

So, i wont say anything, but will wait a see then.

Anyway, im seeing him friday/sat. He was asking me whats the earliest time i was free, beacsue he cant wait. Casual is normally, come over sometime.. isnt it.

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 13/07/2010 10:30

yes it sure is ime
if you want to be really sure of where you stand tho you could always not be so available to him and see what he says/does then

steamedtreaclesponge · 13/07/2010 10:46

I'm glad you're having such a good time with him but I would be a little bit cautious. It could be that he didn't want anything serious but is now falling for you, or it could be, as msboogie says, that it's a get-out clause. In my experience when someone says they want something casual, they mean just that, and I'm also a bit wary of men who get intense so quickly but you are the best judge of his behaviour - just trust your instincts and keep your eyes open and you'll be fine. And have fun

Original poster
rainyweather · 13/07/2010 11:01

steamed - i agree. which is why i made the thread.

because im not sure whats going on really. Because he said he wanted something casual, and didnt want to lead me on, but his behaviour is the total opposite of that.

Like, its now 11. Hes been texting me constantly since 8am.

Hes organised something for a months time.

The ' not leading me on' ?? i mean, i dont know.

Just what he said, 5 weeks ago, to what hes doing is quite the opposite.

Anyway, i think its best if i dont say anything. Just see what happens.

and i should also say im the queen of casual, and i hate feeling harrassesd/invated by constant contact, or that i have to do things. doesnt bother me when he does it.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 13/07/2010 14:42

I think you should just ask him- be honest that you're wondering if he still feels that this is casual or more than that. If he says it's more than that, book the wedding....
I think we over think this stuff as we get older!

proudnsad · 13/07/2010 14:50

Oh gawd no don't ask him!! Just go with the flow.

FWIW though, I would say 'casual' means he doesn't feel it will lead to a big love affair/permanence. But he really likes you and enjoys your company.

If he's not talked about elevated feelings for you or that he's changed his mind about keeping it casual, then you have to be realistic and accept he doesn't feel that way no matter how much he texts you.

e3chick · 13/07/2010 15:14

Am I the only one who would be really put-off by this behaviour. It would unnerve me and make me very wary of him. On the one hand he sounds far FAR too intense too soon, which I hate and I don't think is a good sign in a man in terms of his inner happiness/independence etc.
On the other hand, you haven't a clue what is going on because this is nothing like casual in my book, and you therefore risk getting pulled in too far emotionally and then him using the 'casual' line to drop you like a hot potato.

If you were originally very good friends who texted a lot then it would sound lovely...good friends who shag in a no-strings manner. All above board and respectful and fun.
But the way this is going it isn't really above board at all. It was apparently all cards on the table but he wasn't being honest.

I honestly would be backing away from this one, but then I am a lone voice on this thread and obviously zigging when everyone else is zagging. Casual is good, serious is good, but not this weird no-mans-land who-knows-whats-going-on in between.
Actually, I'd give it some more time (a month?) to see if anything becomes apparent as to his feelings but then I'd have to take the bull by the horns in some way - not sure how.

swallowedAfly · 13/07/2010 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

diddl · 13/07/2010 15:28

Sounds to me as if he´s going to see you as much as he wants until he´s had enough.

Then he´ll end things.

swallowedAfly · 13/07/2010 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
rainyweather · 13/07/2010 18:31

yeah - that makes no sense.

anyway. like i said hes coming round friday. My brother is also coming round friday to do some stuff in my garage. Tis the only day he could come.

Mentioned to him that my brother was likely to be about, and he will probably bump into him. He said it was cool.

i would have thought, if it was just casual, that he would have run a mile in the opposite direction if he knew my family may be about.. or arranged to come round later, or said to for me to go round his.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/07/2010 07:33

Didn´t sound right did it?

The guys getting sex-of course he´ll keep seeing you-but I would be reading it as it doesn´t mean anything too him & he doesn´t think of you as his girlfriend.

singledomisgood · 14/07/2010 07:51

Am I the only one who thinks that what he means is casual for him but not for you? He can come and go as he pleases, at times that suit him but is constantly checking on you and ensuring that you do not get a chance to be with other men? So that you are constantly reminded of his presence.

I may be wrong, but it does sound very intense for this sort of relationship.

Or maybe like others have said, he likes you more than he thought he would.

I would also give it another month, see how it goes and discuss it again with him.

Meanwhile, hope you are enjoying being with him

monkeyfacegrace · 14/07/2010 07:53

Well I am little miss naieve (sp?), but I think it sounds exciting and wonderful!
I remember the old days of constant texts, loads of sex and miss it now.
And btw, my DP was only meant to be a one night stand, and he literally never went home

overmydeadbody · 14/07/2010 07:59

rainy different people have different ideas of what casual means, for many men a casual relationship is more than just 'no-stribngs sex', but you seem to have the idea that by casual he meant 'no-strings sex'.

To him, it may well be casual, in that he is not getting emotional with you, not seeing you as a long-term partner, he is probably not getting emotionally attaqched to you, so to him it is casual.

Or, he could just be falling for you, and what he thought of as casual five weeks ago is slowly developing into something more.

Just go with the flow, but don't go emotionally attaching yourself to this guy.

overmydeadbody · 14/07/2010 08:03

Casual to him means you won't be meeting his friends, he won't be calling you his girlfriend, and you won't be invited out on nightsd out with his mates or meet his family.

You should make sure you are sometimes busy doing other things when he wants to come over, mention other dates and see how he reacts, and just have a more casual attitude to him. You'll soon know if he's fine with this or not.