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Original poster

does this sound casual to you?

71 replies

rainyweather · 13/07/2010 10:07

Just wanted to get a consensus about this before i speak to him about it.

Met a man 5 weeks ago, We got on well, but he said he was looking for something more casual than a serious relationship. Been a bit dry on the male front myself, i thought why not.

But since then, he either phones, texts, msns me every day, the whole time. We see each other at least a couple of times a week. We have planned to spend all of fri/sat together, then hes away sunday, but asked if i was free monday.

Yes, theres a lot of sex, but also a lot of wine, and joking, and talking and films, and just hanging out.

I always thought casual was a bit less often, and not the constant contact. He says he loves talking to me.

hes always inviting me to his, hes been here.

So, im wondering if i should say something, and if so what? or is this just casual but in adifferent way?

OP posts:
diddl · 14/07/2010 08:08

Also, is he always making arrangements that suit him?

He keeps in touch-but is that just a way of keeping you hanging on?

TBH, I´ve never been out with anyone who said from the beginning they wanted "casual".

We´ve gone out & it´s worked out or not iyswim.

Gay40 · 14/07/2010 08:19

Over analysis will fuck it up before anything else does. Just coast and enjoy!

roses2 · 14/07/2010 09:06

Go out on a date with someone else then drop it into the conversation that he said it was casual so you didn't think he would have a problem with it.

Original poster
rainyweather · 14/07/2010 09:12

i went on a date with someone else last week, but have not mentioned it to him.

He wanted to see me yesterday and then thur, when we had already arranged friday. so i said i was busy and couldnt.

I think im just going to coast and enjoy. i was happy for it to be casual, it just that it feels/seems like the least casual thing.

OP posts:
DameGladys · 14/07/2010 09:13

I agree with diddl - I had a few of these when I was young.

They really do mean it will not be a long term thing. When someone tells you something, you need to listen to them ime.

Being young and naive, I went with the flow but had all the thought processes you're describing. This can't just be casual, thought I.

Yes it was fun at the time but I was just not emotionally robust enough at that time to cope well with the inevitable break-up. Are you?

That's the only question you need the answer to really. If things work out differently and you both fall in love, then it's a fantastic bonus. But if you find yourself thinking about this all the time, even from as early as 5 weeks in, I'd be very wary.

diddl · 14/07/2010 10:42

Well if he´s said casual, I would assume it is unless he says otherwise.

DONTtouchMUMMYSpecialJUICE · 14/07/2010 12:13

he's having his cake and eating it.

he gets all the comforting nice bits of coupledom.. nights in, wine,bucket loads of sex etc.

without having to fork out for going to dinner, theatre/cinema, etc

without having to introduce you to his family and friends.

with the added bonus he has told you its "casual".. therefore giving him carte blanc to sleep around if he meets someone when he is out with his friends.

since none of his family or friends have met you he can get away with not an ounce of guilt from you, nor and earache from his friends or family as well.

Original poster
rainyweather · 14/07/2010 12:59

feel i just need to say its not the issue of it being casual thats the problem.

Id be fine with it being casual. tbh its about all i can manage, im not really emotionally avaliable, and dont really like feeling like my space/life is being invaded.

casual is fine, im having my cake and eating it too

the thought of someone calling me a girlfriend, or introducing me to friends etc sends me into a bit of a blind panic. Though he has said he has told some of his friends about me, and im on his facebook etc....

its just that it doesnt seem that its casual thats all and the texts have just started again, saying he misses me... thats just not casual.

OP posts:
e3chick · 14/07/2010 13:05

I understood that rainy. I remember being the same, back in the day. But all the texts sound quite cloying, are you not finding them so?

Coolfonz · 14/07/2010 13:11

he might have said the casual thing in case you were bare mental.

Original poster
rainyweather · 14/07/2010 13:21

no - surprisingly not. i quite like hearing from him.
I saw someone else for a short while a few months ago, but got rid pretty quick on the basis of constant texts. Did my head in.

i dont know about back in the day. more like, not a spring chicken, but way more hurt by exhusband than i could even imagine.

Sex and casualness i can do. relationships.. thats just a bit trickey. Sometimes i think id like one, but then, it just scares the crap out of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainyweather · 14/07/2010 17:14

ok - just to add to the non casualness saga.
Hes just called me and said he would very much like to have sex with no condoms. But would not feel comftable doing so unless we had both been screened.

but it was up to me.

Its actually a good idea as ive never had a full screening, and ex husband had lots of affairs, so something i should actually do.

But this is not a casual arrangement.. is it?

OP posts:
diddl · 14/07/2010 17:27

Why not?

He wants sex without condoms-why does that mean it´s not casual?

Does it mean he suddenly thinks more of you?

Or just that he doesn´t really like condoms?

GloriaSmut · 14/07/2010 17:34

Quite a lot of people will say they only want a casual relationship at the outset. It saves the grief of greater expectations! But casual doesn't necessarily mean only seeing each other occasionally, it mainly means "not permanent".

I'd not over-think things, tbh. The bloke is clearly smitten and providing you are enjoying his company, go with the flow and see where things end up

diddl · 14/07/2010 17:43

OP-he´s told you it´s casual-why are you so determined for it not to be?

ZippyPippy · 14/07/2010 17:59

Surely if he wants you to both go to the trouble of getting screened, that means you won't be having sex with other people (otherwise what's the point of screening) Therefore it's a serious monogamous relationship?

It's probably worth bringing this up in response to his request!

Original poster
rainyweather · 14/07/2010 18:16

zippy. thats exacally my point. Plus he cant go for a few weeks time beacuse of work committments, and the clinc times. so again, its something in the future.

diddl - im not determinded for it not to be casual. its just that it is not casual relationship behaviour.

anyway - doesnt matter, im not going to bring it up for a while.

OP posts:
DameGladys · 14/07/2010 18:39

I'd say no to the no condoms thing. No particular benefit to you as far as I can see but requires you to trek to a clinic and get tested. Obviously benefit is for him as no doubt he dislikes condoms.

Obviously get screened if you are at any risk, eg if exh was/could have been cheating. But don't then put yourself at further risk by not using condoms.

MortaIWombat · 14/07/2010 18:44

Ooh, it sounds like a good relationship at the mo. Fun, but not suffocating. But I wouldn't be shagging him without some prophylactic latex after only 5 weeks, personally. You don't know where he's been. .

BrittanyBeers · 14/07/2010 18:51

I'd assume he was keeping his options open wrt another lass.

But I'm a sour old hag.

dearprudence · 14/07/2010 18:57

Yes, it sounds casual to me. Casual doesn't mean occasional. It means that he's not planning for it to develop into something more permanent. Or for you to meet each others families/friends, attend family events together, and so on.

As to whether casual means monogamous, I think this is an individual thing. If you want to know, ask him. From what you've said, I suspect he is monogamous, and would probably like you to be as well.

diddl · 14/07/2010 21:01

Yes I agree that frequency doesn´t determine casual or not.

OP-do you contact him to suggest places to go also or just him?

By 5wks we´d certainly met each others family & friends.

Original poster
rainyweather · 15/07/2010 07:36

he contacts me. All the time.

with regards to places to go etc its about half and half id say.

by 5 weeks have met family anf friends... ha, you are kidding me right? thats incrediably early to have met family and friends.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/07/2010 08:10

No I´m not kidding-why would I be?

Well, I´d say do what you want-but bear in mind it still might be casual to him.

nisan · 15/07/2010 08:31

i wouldnt say anything, jus go with the flow, as soon as you say something im sure its bound to change the way he is acting, give it time and if it carrys on for a few more months like this then you can maybe suggest going out for a drink or a walk in the park and ask him, there is nothing wrong in doing so , just take your time and if he makes a fuss of it and and a big issue and that you have got it wrong then i would say be carefull because u have feelings too and you obviouly like this man as much as he likes you, ssooooooooo be patient and let him carry on and keep him on his toes , dont always agree too seing him often, let him know by your actions its casual. did that help