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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My heart is breaking

80 replies

Ladywolf · 12/07/2010 22:05

My husband of 11 years has just told me, he doesn't think he loves me any more. we have two beautiful daughters, the eldest is 3, the youngest just turned 1. He doesn't believe in counselling, he says he's just got to work things out for himself, but that he is unhappy with me. I don't know what to do, or even why i'm writing this except i can't talk to anyone else about this. I don't want him to leave, not just because of the children but because i still love him. I feel sick all the time since he told me, and my heart is hurting so much. Is there anything i can do?

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/07/2010 11:31

Oh of course it doesn't make someone a bad person if they've fallen out of love. I'd imagine it's happened to us all. But as an adult, that means being honest about what's caused it. Claire your H knows why you (understandably IMO) don't love anymore.

This came out of the blue for our OP, which makes it even more suspicious.

Even if it turns out he is having an affair, it doesn't make him a bad person, as long as he takes responsibility for it and starts being honest with everyone, including himself.

As littlecritter has said, making someone feel that it is their fault (for not being loveable enough, attentive enough etc.) for the loss of feelings can drive a person to insanity, to the point where they start believing that they are unloveable and must have caused this somehow. That's why it's a strange relief when it turns out there was someone else. So if an H says at this point "It's not you, it's me" you'd better believe it - it is about him, wanting someone else.

msboogie · 13/07/2010 11:58

Yes of course it doesn't make you a bad person to fall out of love - we don't all mate once, for life.

But in the case of the OP, the fact of their having two very little children is a very significant factor...

abedelia · 13/07/2010 12:05

WWifn: are you okay? Sorry - possibly read too much into the tone of your post of early this morning but you seem really hacked off. I've just had a Mumsnet break. Sometimes, going over the same old shit for someone whose OH is following the same old script is really disheartening and makes you lose all faith in humanity, doesn't it? (No offence to Op, much offence directed at stupid husbands and partners who decide they are 'in love' so it's not just another pointless life wrecking crappy seedy affair...)

PollyLogos · 13/07/2010 12:20

Elenio, I'm sorry to read that. If you need any help or just someone to moan with contact me. We live in same place i think. Are you a native to this country?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/07/2010 13:10

Thanks Abedelia - it's really kind of you to care and I appreciate it. I am absolutely fine and H and I are closer than ever. If anything, posts like these make me appreciate the fact that he never once came out with this shit.

If you've been taking an MN break, you won't have seen that there has been a recent glut on MN of utterly spineless Hs trotting out these tales of lost love that have no logical explanation. Although it never happened to me, I get so angry at people being gaslighted, or left wondering how on earth this has happened, without them even noticing it.

I hope you won't mind me mentioning you again littlecritter, but when you had your discovery, although I was relieved that you were no longer in the dark, it made me so angry that you had been feeling so incredibly low and depressed for so long, without knowing why you were really feeling this bad. Messing with someone's mental health in this way is unforgiveable, in my view - and is far more damaging than the original infidelity.

Hope you're okay too, Abedelia, thanks for caring.

littlecritter · 13/07/2010 16:05

You're bang on WWIFN.

When XP told me "I love you but I'm not in love you" I felt so low it's hard to describe. I wanted to curl up, go to sleep and never wake up.

Then when I found out he had been having an affair for 1-2 years (still not sure of all the details) I got a huge rush and the adrenaline kept me going for days. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I've lost count of the number of people who tell me how good I look, I've got a spring in my step and total strangers smile and chat to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm devastated inside but I now know it's not my fault, I didn't desrerve it and I can do better.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/07/2010 16:14

Good for you and do hope your health scare turns out okay. Stay strong and life will get better. What ever you believe in terms of a higher order or karma, life has a funny habit of rewarding people who have been through a terrible time of it - and you certainly have, in recent years.

Wonder where our OP has gone?

littlecritter · 13/07/2010 16:52

Hopefully, she's busy rummaging through his nooks and crannies.

Original poster

Ladywolf · 13/07/2010 18:30

I honestly don't think he is cheating, he is actually very decent (when he isn't ripping my heart out). We haven't had a chance to talk more about it yet, he's working nights and we can't talk about this in front of the children. At the moment i'm trying not to think about it, nothing i can do at the moment til we talk more, and every time i think too hard about it i feel like curling into a ball. I've been busy with the children today any way. My 3 yr old has started nursery and there was an assembly and parents evening today. She is doing so well. Thank you all again for taking time to post. Amazingly it does help to read all posts

OP posts:

littlecritter · 13/07/2010 18:54

Sorry if my post sounded flippant, Ladywolf. It's just that everything you have posted resonates with me. I could account for my XP's every movement, I thought, but it turns out he was having an affair that started at least 14 months ago. He was never late home from work, went out with "mates" just once or twice a month and said all the right things.

However, looking back I realise that he was gradually withdrawing from the relationship to concentrate on OW.

I hope you are right and that you can mend your marriage.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 19:00

Decent men have affairs, sorry.

innerstrength · 13/07/2010 19:02

Sorry you are going thru this Ladywolf. Yes I would do some double checking what he is up to. But yes on the other hand, giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is just being honest with you about how he feels. If that is the case, then you need to find out what he wants to do about it, which boils down to two simple options - either working hard at it (which WILL need relate or similar counselling), or him leaving (in which case you will need lots of support.) Either way you need some straight answers from him. And you need to be clear that you cannot carry on like you are now; which is basically a horrid limbo not really knowing where you stand. Keep posting. And think clearly about what YOU want to do about it.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/07/2010 19:44

Yes, the most important thing is not to allow him to put you in the position of passively waiting (and servicing him) while he makes up his mind if he wants to be married to you any more. Tell him to leave for the moment and make his decision without the benefit of his home comforts - he can go to a hotel or a mate's sofa and you can agree to tell the DC (if old enough to know) that Daddy is 'working away' for a few days. The breathing space will be good for you, as well, though you should definitely use it to find out your legal position if he is going to leave for good - it never hurts to have all the necessary information given that some men who have started the performance with this line have every intention of screwing their STBXWs over financially as well as mentally - if someone is dumping you for a new partner it's not possible to trust that person, especailly if s/he says things like 'elts' sort it out without solicitors and stay friends'. But set a time limit, at the end of which he either agrees to work at the marriage, or you arrange a proper separation.

Elenio · 13/07/2010 20:56

Thanks Polly....I am half native so not a complete stranger. My family are near Athens though and i am in Corfu.
I moving into a little studio on my own tomorrow and feel like i have been stabbed in the heart.
I have to leave my home and do not have much support here

He seems as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and i feel the weight of the world on mine.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/07/2010 21:36

I think you're still in shock Ladywolf and with that, comes a lot of denial. There's plenty you could do before talking to him, in terms of testing out whether he's telling the truth.

Like AF said, decent men have affairs. They fall in love (but often this is limerance) and let a friendship cross the line. They are not bad people. They help elderly folk across the street, are kind to children and often have a strong moral compass.

You really do need to put some space between you, because this limbo will destroy you even more. Even with what is in the open domain, you cannot stay with someone who says he is not in love with you.

PollyLogos · 14/07/2010 06:51

Elenio, I hope that the move today isn't too distressing

I have put a long post on the thread you started last week.x

Original poster

Ladywolf · 14/07/2010 20:34

Still in limbo, still feel sick and worried, but thanks to posting, one thing i don't feel anymore is alone.

OP posts:

innerstrength · 14/07/2010 20:48

No Ladywolf. You def not alone. How has today gone? Have you made any plans?

AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 21:13

You are most certainly not alone.

Any time you want to get it out, check something, generally have a vent, there is always someone on MN to listen

Original poster

Ladywolf · 14/07/2010 21:55

No plans, took my youngest to playgroup at the local library while my eldest went to nursery. Got the number for relate just in case. I'm still hoping we can reconnect.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 22:05

I hope you can work it out

Just remember you get a say in how things will be, won't you ? Don't give him all the power.

Original poster

Ladywolf · 15/07/2010 09:38

This morning i feel like one little tap would send me shattering into a million little pieces. I know i should ask him to go til he decides what he wants. But i don't want him to go, i just want us to be a family.

OP posts:

abedelia · 15/07/2010 09:42

Hope can be a very destructive thing. You need to show him what he will be missing - being around the dcs, having to care for himself, sitting on his own all evening because you are all together elsewhere. Nothing acts faster to pour cold water on fantasies.

Original poster

Ladywolf · 19/07/2010 10:35

1 Week has gone by since out of the blue revelation, he hasn't changed his mind. He wants to leave. He hasn't left yet, he hasn't got any where to go. We own our house, with a mortgage on it. I will not be able to afford the house on my own, i know he will have to give me some money, but we only just make ends meet now, downsizing isn't an option, there aren't many houses smaller than the one we are in now. I don't know what to do or even where to start. And if anything the pain is even worse. HELP

OP posts:

SugarMousePink · 19/07/2010 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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