What is going on?

[onlyone]

3 months ago now my dh told me he had been fucking one of our best family friends for the past 9 months.

They want to get together and build a better future for them and her dcs. No mention of me and our dcs or what her fiancee might want.

Despite the complete betrayal and hurt, I am trying to keep going and managing pretty well. Well I think I am!

But what the hell is going on?

We are 3 months down the line, he is still living at home, ( separate bed) other than the beds you would not know anything had changed, except the odd argument. He talks of things in the future. Treats DCs very well so no complaints. She has not told her family or other half, is still living at home with her DCs.

I am confused, he has a place to go to but has not, so does she - that may change this week, s we had major argument over whether I was lying about something or the OW. She has convinced him that she did not tell him because she knew it would hurt him, ergo she understands him better than I do.

I feel like I am treading water, I have gone out got myself a job, have been house hunting but feel like I ma being played with - do they actually want to do this or are they just playing with everyones lives.

why have you still got this man living under your roof?

Tell him to take his things and go. he should not be getting his cake and eating it round at yours!

What????

I found out 9 days ago that my P had been shagging a family friend. He was out in 2 hours and has lived in various hotels since. That's his problem, not mine.

Take control, girlfriend!

The door! Do you really want to patch it up with him now? If not the door!

You are being played with, because you're letting him play. He needs to leave, tomorrow, and then you need to change the locks, and arrange contact with your DC to suit them not him.

The guy is an ass hole kick him out. He dumps this on you and not even so much as an apology.

I am fucking her and that's that but I still expect you to be the wifey at home

She is not stupid she hasn't told anyone kick him out and let him struggle I bet she will shit herself.

No definitely do not want to go back to as it was before. They started shagging when I thought things were pretty good between us - some problems but nothing major.

The reason I have let him stay is the DCs, becuase of things hse said to him, his realtionship with both of them had got really bad. He just did not enjoy them.

In the past three months he ahs worked hard at being a Dad, something he had forgotten how to do and the DCs now enjoy being with him, whereas before he just shouted at them.

I just do not understand what eitehr of them are playing at.

Actually you are doing your DC's a dis-service to allow him to build u an artificial relationship with them that they never had before

You do realise that when (not if) he leaves, it will hit them all the harder ?

It sounds like you are all playing games, tbh

I feel very sorry for you, and what they have done is beyond awful, but what the hell are you doing ? Get him out. Now.

Well his relationship with his children is his responsibility. He can still develop a better attitude towards them from his hotel.

Maybe they have realised that their fling was a pointless shagathon after all.

The question is, what are you going to do?

This isn't about the DCs is it? You're letting him stay put because you're hoping he will change his mind. Please don't do this. Your esteem must be on the floor if you are letting this situation continue and that pair of shits (him and your ex friend) must be laughing on the other side of their faces that you have enabled them to keep going without consequences.

Out them now and let her fiance know what has been going on. Take control and agree a co-parenting arrangement with him. Please don't let them take you for a fool one minute longer.

I just do not know, what to do?

Part of me, thinks I want him back and the sensible part tells me not to be so stupid.

It is not an artificial relationship with the DCs, he was a fab Dad and I used to boast about how good he was to my friends. She then told him I got pregnant deliberately and that the youngest was potentially not his. I did not get pregnant deliberately, eldest can be put down to a long haul flight and forgetting the Pill on one night and the other to a huge bout of D&V!!! Having said that we were both really happy on both occasions as I had had ectopics and miscarriages before. Paternity test has put paid to that little rumour...He is now back playing with them ,reading to them and just being a Dad like he used to. The eldest said, nice Daddy is playing with us again - which broke my heart when she said it.

I suppose I have just been treading water. Trying to juggle all the balls and then some, not hurting the DCs and thinking any day they will both move in together and I can get on with my life as it will now be but it just is not happening. They do not seem to be doing anything.

Which I know you will say I should start making moves but I do not want this to become acrimonious. He moved out to this flat for 4 days and then came round to look after the DCs one afternoon and never went back.

I know I need to grow some balls but am so tired, finding a job, starting work sorting out childcare, bank account, house/flat hunting, buying a car etc etc.

Don't settle for this because you are tired

Are they still seeing each other ?

So he was happy to believe his children were not his and ignore them until scientifically proved wrong and he is a great dad

He's got a cushy number hasn't he all the fun of an illicit affair and still gets his dinner cooked. Please don't tell me your doing his ironing or anything!

Kick him out he is taking the piss out of you. He can have a good relationship with the kids without you being humiliated by being turned from wife to quasi mum or housekeeper.

\oh for gods sake woman, kick the cheating bastard out. What are you waiting for? Further insults?

jesus christ...this bloke is an utter lowlife

What is it that you were hoping we'd say?

Keep going and he might change his mind? Would you have him back if he did?

If the answer to that is "No" (I do hope so) then get him out of there - and start your life again. While I would definitely be telling her fiance - and the rest of the world for that matter - what has gone on, you don't have to do that if you don't want to. So it doesn't have to be acrimonious and you are not too tired to put up some boundaries, which must involve a different address.

And if I'm right and you are hoping he'll change his mind - and he does - I just cannot see that he'd ever have respect for someone who'd put up with this, or that you would ever be able to respect a man who was this cruel to you, for so long.

I have never known a tiredness like it.
Not helped by me finding a breast lump two weeks after being told - having all the tests etc luckily benign, getting an infection from the biopsy loads of antibiotics and my mother being ill as well. Lost 8kgs which I needed to lose but not like this.

I do know what you are all saying and I know what I should do, with the results all back two weeks ago and Mum getting better, the fog is starting to clear but having thought I had climbed a mountain and survived, realise there is another even bigger one to scale.

If they did the decent thing ( I am joking!)they would go off and be together and I would not have to make the effort but they do not seem to be going to do that. Wankers.

Realised I have not hit the angry phase of the whole process yet, because I have been concentrating on everything else.I need it to happen because that will make me do something.Currently want to have a holiday, and go away from it all for a few weeks and then come back all guns blazing. I was Mrs Angry to start with then it faded as more important things took over.

Get angry again

Fine, can you afford a holiday? Sounds like you need it - there should be some last-minute bargains around now.

Are you saying her fiance doesn't know yet???!!! Tell him fgs!

You bloody should be angry. Wanker, indeed, and then some.

onlyone it sounds like you have had a lot of pressure on you recently. It makes more sense now why you didn't have the energy to deal with this and sort of stuck with the status quo.

Now the other issues are fading into the background I hope you find the strength to move forward out of this situation because I don't think it is very healthy or fair for you.

Oh, aha - onlyone, what are the chances SHE manoeuvred your Wanker into coming back 'home' - so as to keep her options open with the fiance-in-the-dark?

No her fiancee does not know yet.

That is an explosion I do not want to be around for and I have had too much to think about for myself than even think about him. May I tell him and go on holiday!!

I think holiday and then angry woman will return. There are sparks appearing but the lack of energy to do anything has been overwhelming.

Kick him out now.

'you would not know anything had changed, except the odd argument' He should know that things have changed and sadly, for all your good intentions, he is behaving like this because you are letting him.

In my opinion being a 'great dad' would not start with a paternity test.

And he has a flat!! I'm not normally someone to join the 'throw him out' mob but really...either he ends it with OW and you try to mend things (if you both are willing to try) or he leaves.

Hope you are feeling better soon, glad the breast lump is benign. Be kind to yourself and I hope you get some good support in R/L.