What is going on?

[onlyone]

3 months ago now my dh told me he had been fucking one of our best family friends for the past 9 months.

They want to get together and build a better future for them and her dcs. No mention of me and our dcs or what her fiancee might want.

Despite the complete betrayal and hurt, I am trying to keep going and managing pretty well. Well I think I am!

But what the hell is going on?

We are 3 months down the line, he is still living at home, ( separate bed) other than the beds you would not know anything had changed, except the odd argument. He talks of things in the future. Treats DCs very well so no complaints. She has not told her family or other half, is still living at home with her DCs.

I am confused, he has a place to go to but has not, so does she - that may change this week, s we had major argument over whether I was lying about something or the OW. She has convinced him that she did not tell him because she knew it would hurt him, ergo she understands him better than I do.

I feel like I am treading water, I have gone out got myself a job, have been house hunting but feel like I ma being played with - do they actually want to do this or are they just playing with everyones lives.

'you would not know anything had changed, except the odd argument' He should know that things have changed and sadly, for all your good intentions, he is behaving like this because you are letting him.

In my opinion being a 'great dad' would not start with a paternity test.

And he has a flat!! I'm not normally someone to join the 'throw him out' mob but really...either he ends it with OW and you try to mend things (if you both are willing to try) or he leaves.

Hope you are feeling better soon, glad the breast lump is benign. Be kind to yourself and I hope you get some good support in R/L.

If I was in your situation I've had had his arse out of the door faster than the speed of sound.

He's staying there 'working at being a dad'. I'm incredulous. He's shagging your best friend, busting up two families and he's working at being a dad? On what planet? He's working at being a dad, while he plans setting up home with his mistress ... in his own good time of course. Poor kids don't even know what the hell's going on, and he's going to leave them anyway, when it suits him.

And what happens when you go off on this much needed holiday. Let him stay in the house and have his girlfriend over shagging in your bed?

Tell the selfish arsehole to pack his bags and get out immediately. See a solicitor straight away if you haven't already done so - he's a self confessed adulterer - yours and the children's needs must come first, and indeed they will. As far as the courts or any other agency is concerned he won't have a leg to stand on.

You don't need anger to get rid of an arsehole, you don't need to make an effort. You just need to see how ridiculous the whole situation is as everyone reading this can see it, and get the fucker out.

Extreme tiredness could be depression which is hardly surprising. Put yourself so far first that his needs get not a jot. Depression is helped by things like pampering, exercise, talking, good food and good times. A holiday may be just what you need. Get your strength back as a top priority.

Then throw the cheating scum out.

Solicitors for you tomorrow, I think. Get print outs of every bank statement you can so he can't screw you over (again) and find out your rights re: removing him from the home and tapping him for much of his cash. Let's see if she wants him then. Oh - and get on and tell the fiance. Seeing your H's face when he finds out will be worth a fortune and may lift you out of this depression you seem (understandably) to be stymied by.

The relationship between him and dcs is horrible, by the way. The fact they recognise him now as not being angry daddy means they are living in fear of that man returning. Don't make them live around the atmosphere they have. If he was a good dad he'd have put them before his selfish desires and talked about any 'problems' between you (and I'd bet the national debt these only arose when OW showed an interest in him), not stuck his penis in her. Yeah, because that solves everything...

OP...how are you this morning ?

This thread must have been like getting dunked in freezing cold water last night

I hope you are OK.

You know what you need to do though, don't you ?

I'm so sorry about everything you've had on your plate lately and am not surprised you've just about managed to keep going as "normal". But now, it really is time to get furious. He should be supporting you through all that shit, not dumping another barrow-load on your head. By the way if you've been doing his washing and such, I shall be quite cross with you. If you don't feel up to delivering his dirty socks (and worse) to the OW's house with a note saying "here, you can do his laundry while you're at it", the very least should be dumping them in his room.

I don't know whether you've pointed out to him in so many words that a woman who would do something so evil as to deliberately break up his relationship with his children is hardly a nice person to set up home with. I would've. If she was nicer than you she wouldn't have had to tell lies to get his attention. The fact that he chooses to believe those lies and turned against his own children (even temporarily) proves he is at least as bad, some might say worse. Even if it had turned out they were not biologically his, he's still brought them up from birth and how he could just stop being a daddy to them beggars belief. Most of us would have more compassion than that for a random child in the street. And then, as others have pointed out, once he's reeled them in and got them liking him again, he's going to go and live somewhere else. Brilliant.

What Anniegetyourgun said.

You poor thing. Anger is what you need now. This man is vile; so is OW. They deserve each other. Kick him out. Now.

Actually, no; check out your rights and potential benefits first, online and/or through the CAB, then pick yourself a good solicitor specialising in family law (one that does legal aid if you don't have access to money). Know just what your rights are. THEN kick him out.

Yes, do take legal advice. Unfortunately, unless you are the owner of the house or the sole name on the tenancy agreement, you can't just change the locks if he refuses to move out: he would be legally entitled to break back in. (YOu can only have someone forcibly removed from their home by the police if they are a physical danger to other people in it - the fact that the man is a selfish shit isn;t legally enough to have him instantly removed).

This is a plan:

Get all the bank statements, passports and other legal documents together, just grab them, put in a carrier/folder whatever. If you can't deal with them give them to your parents or a friend just of yours for the time being.

Go to the doctor and tell them what has been going on, how tired you feel. Accept sort term drug help if offered. Also accept any counselling.

Go to Solicitor get legal advice (do tell about what the doctor said).

Kick him out!

Tell the kids, Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore, but he still loves you.

If possible go on holiday.

Good luck!

thank you all.

I was angry then the breast thing had me running scared, getting an infection, having that operated on then domestos doses of antibiotics just wiped me out. Getting a job and caring for DCs and worrying about Mum and making 300 mile round trips twice per week has wiped me out.

You will be pleased to know, so far today I have:

He is on business trip.

Made an appointment with a solicitor for Thursday.

Downloaded most his e mail bank records etc

Found his work contract and last three P60s

Been to see three houses.

They behave as if what they are doing is OK and behaving and I know it is not but I feel like I have been walking through treacle for the past weeks and slowly it is getting easier.

Also looked for a holiday online.

I am starting but needed to others to tell me that they are being unreasonable, not me.

Well done Onlyone.

You can do this. You SHOULD NOT be putting up with this.

He can be a good dad without living with you - if you split up, that does not mean he will cease to be a good dad. He can still see DC lots and lot. It is a totally separate issue.

Just to reinforce. You should NOT be putting up with this. Any woman with any guts AT ALL should not be putting up with this.

You deserve better.

He is taking the complete P*SS out of you.

Glad you have managed to have a productive day today, keep going, you will feel so much better to be back in control of your life again and not wondering when it will all come crashing down around you all the time.

I feel for you, I really do, it must be dreadful but come on, get it sorted and get yourself happy again. Your children will be just fine.

Good girl, OP

Now galvanise yourself and get this ridiculous situation sorted

I asked a question earlier but you must have missed it...are they still seeing each other ?

Oh well done OP! Sometimes you just need a bunch of people to say "This is wrong" and it validates your feelings.

I read about your health issues after I posted last night. I am so sorry you have had so much to contend with, but that makes it worse in so many ways. No decent man would have put you through this while you were suffering so much.

Keep that resolve up now and I suspect gradually, you will come out of that fog and get angry again. You could really set the cat amongst the pigeons and shaft these two lowlifes if you wanted to, but for now, just break free of him.

They are both very unpleasant, very selfish people. IN their minds, they have reduced you to servant status, someone unimportant - to do this to a person who is unwell is even more horrible.
But taking even the tiniest bit of action will help - you are probably feeling much better just from what you have done today. You don't need to be aggressive and there is no point at all in trying to make either of them 'understand' that they have hurt you: they know but to them, you are unimportant.

WIthout wishing to scare you, it is possible that someone as utterly selfish as your H may get a bit aggressive when you tell him that either he must leave the family home or that you are leaving and taking the DCs - you may want to have RL back up close at hand (at least a good friend/relative) - he may say that you can't have the DC, that he will throw you out with nothing etc. But you will have all the facts from your research so don't let this crap scare you.

onlyone I am really proud of you. You are starting to take the control back off him and that will do you so much good. Remember that your DC's need a mum with her self respect intact more than they need to live under the same roof as a dad who only likes them when it suits him.

We are here to hold your hand every step of the way if that's what you want.

Yes they are still seeing each other occasionally but text each other like two teenagers in lust!

I feel better but so far to go.

It is amazing, how, when you are the wronged one, others canmake you feel like you are being unreasonable and difficult.

I do not want it to become acrimonious for the DCs sake but that does not mean being a doormat.

No doubt on tomorrows return I will slip but I am starting.

Just need a hair appointment and two hours to go and get my highlights touched up and I may start feeling vaguely human again.

Tell the OW's partner

Get the sordid little fuckfest out into the open.

That should move things along...

You go girl!

Well done!

Do go and see your doctor, with all the stress, antibiotics etc. you system may be out of sorts. If they offer a blood test take it, and see if there are any multi-vitamins etc. they'd recommend. (Sorry but I know my GP is great about this kind of thing, and is quite happy for us to go see the homeopath afterwards if we want, they'd just like us to get anything very serious treated properly.)

You do need to get away from him, just to give yourself space to think clearly. Is there anyone RL who knows what is going on? If so do talk to them. OR try to find someone you can trust. But do come back and lets us know you are okay.

Well done so far. You did what you had to do and made it through the breast lump and everything else.

I'd be all for greeting him with a heap of his personal possessions waiting for him on the front lawn when he comes home but then I spent a long time under the same roof as my cheating ex, during which he messed with the minds of the DCs, including starting a reading a story before bedtime routine with the youngest while he was actively hunting for somewhere to move to, and texting his OW on at least one occasion that he had 'just read a bedtime story to Youngest DD, and was going to sleep , but thinking of OW' he used his 'good dad' schtick the way some single men use a dog, in other words, to impress the OW.
Wonder if yours is doing the same?

YES!!! Well done, onlyone!

You're right, it's horrible how nasty people can make you feel like you're the one in the wrong. Tragically, the nicer you are the easier it is for them to do a number on you I'm so glad you've got the real picture now! Highlights a great idea. Keep moving, you'll be so much happier when you get your own life back. xx

I agree you should tell the OW's partner even though I know you don't want to. But I suspect that if you were the only one in the dark you'd want to be told.

Anyway, brilliant work today. Good luck for tomorrow. Keep reminding yourself that you have done nothing wrong!

Apparently I was so horrible to him the other day and am a lying selfish bitch that he does no think he can stay near me.So is not in the house - do not know where he is or what he is doing.

I told him something our previously good friend had told me and it invoked a massive response about who was lying. Apparently, it was me and she knows him better!! good Luck she can have him.

She apparently knows the trigger points that set him off and she wants to be there ot catch him and help him make the right decisions for him with her guidance and advice. Her words to me...

So crap day today, was also at work so not much more I could sort but solicitor tomorrow then more plans.