Ex H has just married someone children have never met

[Namechgedforthis]

I've just received an email from my ex husband to say he got married a few weeks ago to someone the children (they are 14 and 17) have never met.

I feel a mixture of things. Pleased for ex H that he's found someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. But also appalled at the way he has sprung this on his children.

They were told in person yesterday and I revceived an email yesterday. Children are really shocked and I feel so sad for them that he's behaved so emotionally weirdly. They still haven't met her as she is abroad. And she is moving in with him with her two children.

What can I say to make them feel better and less worried?

I think at 14 and 17 they are old enough for a fair degree of honesty. Did they know he had a girlfriend? How much explanation and reassurance did they get yesterday?

Probably most important is that they don't feel displaced by the stepchildren, that they feel reassured that they are loved and that life won't change too much. I think you need XH and new wife to help here. Can you chat to him about it and agree a strategy?

They didn't know he even had a girlfriend.

How long ago did you separate?

Mumblechum 2004. Teenagers go to his house every other weekend in theory but there are lots of times he can't make it due to work commitments. No girlfriend has EVER been mentioned, apparently.

I agree that it's very odd that he's married her completely out of the blue (though of course he may well have been in a long term relationship for years and never mentioned it to you for his own reasons).

TBH if the children only see him for visits, and given their ages, they'll probably take it much more in their stride than you fear.

The important thing is that he sees them sometimes without his wife and their children so that they don't feel pushed out.

herchildren

My step dad married my mother without telling his teenage son about the relationship until a few weeks before the wedding. Even now, I'm not sure why.

It has had a terrible impact on their relationship and they have now had no contact for over 10 years.

I would tell your ex that he needs to have a proper conversation with his children and explain why he acted the way he did and apologise for not telling them sooner. Damage limitation is required asap.

I just don't understand why he didn't tell them. They are completely flummoxed and think it's completely weird. They are quite concerned about meeting her 14 year old and her eight year old.

I feel unable to say anything to him. It's none of my business. But I do resent having to emotionally pick up the pieces for his emotional ineptitude.