Would you move for more space if your autistic teen has close neighbours?

[EgonSpengler]

Hi there,

I need advice on a potential house move. Myself, DH and DD16 live in a small 3 bed Victorian terrace and are lucky enough to be ale to consider a move to a bigger 4 bed semi nearby. We've done the numbers and the money all works. We'd love the extra space because both myself and DH work from home (he's in the loft and I'm in the kitchen). We'd both be able to have an office each (he complains about me working in the kitchen, but I'm not entirely sure where else I'm supposed to bloody work), DD16 would have a bigger bedroom (currently quite small), bigger garden and driveway.

The problem is that DD16 is autistic and has learning difficulties and finds it hard to make friends. She gets on so well with next door's kids (they're back and forth all the time) and really values them being her friends. We'd literally only be moving round the corner, but there'd be less impromptu play dates. I know we could organise stuff, but the beauty of the relationship is that when they're both knocking about after school with half an hour here or there, they can play. She's said she would rather have a small bedroom and friends. Obviously there's no guarantee that next door would stay there forever. DH thinks that we should stay because it makes her so happy and re-think moving in a couple of years. I don't want to do anything that would impact negatively on her, but I do feel the pull of more space. WWYD wise mumsnetters?

I'd move. She is 16, it will be beneficial to her to take a step out of what she's sees as her safety/comfort zone and realise she can cope.

I've got an autistic adult son and I'd stay put in those circumstances. It only seems like a small move but it would have made a big difference to DS. And a 3 bed house is big enough for a family of 3. If you work on a laptop it's often possible to carve out space with a tiny desk, eg under stairs or on a landing.
Is it possible to do an extension or have a garden office?

I wouldn't move under those circumstances. Of course the neighbours may not be there forever, but equally you may not both be working at home forever! Can you look at a garden pod office or similar?

I have autistic teens, one that age. I'd stay put for the time being.

I was going to say move for the big house. But actually, having good friends right next door is far more important. Probably for anyone but especially for someone who struggles socially. What a blessing, I wish we had a wonderful family next door - I did as a child and it made my childhood a lot of fun. My kids don’t get to experience it.

You are so very lucky to have neighbours like that - they’re worth their weight in gold. The relationship may change in a couple of years anyway as the neighbour’s kids’ interests and friendships develop in other areas, and that will be hard. Or they may grow together.

You can’t treat a situation with a teen who has a LD and autism in the same way as other neurotypical kids. I’ve got a young adult son with the same disability so can relate.

Id definitely look for creative ways of wfh that moves you away from the kitchen. Do you both wfh full- time and if so, for how long? How long have you lived in your current address? Do you have a garden?

Moving house is notoriously expensive and then you’re throwing money at the new house. Converting a garage / building a garden office / garden pod has got to be cheaper and a lot less disruptive. Is a loft conversion out of the question? And how long do you envisage both wfh?

If shes 16 can she go and knock on their door from your new home? Or is like a bus ride away? If shes able to go out independently and arrange to see her friends without support then i would move. Sometimes change is important to autistic people it gives them new challenges.

In 2 years these friends will be off to uni or whatever. Maybe moving now will ease that transition

This. Realistically, the relationship will change organically in the next year or so regardless of where you live.

No have an autistic child and its hard for them to make friends so would stay put.

Be careful what your daughter knows if its a maybe. Me talking anout it theoretically has sent my dd into panic mode before (twice). I've made a promise to her that I'll try and put up with our current house for the foreseeable. Not going to mention it again unless it happens.

In your situation I'd wait a year or two

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply - really appreciate it. Lots of helpful things here for us to consider. Yes, agree - neighbours you get on well with (and really like DD) are like gold dust and I have to think very carefully about our next move. Also agree with those that say she needs to push out of her comfort zone also - this is something we're always looking at - where DD meets the world and where the world meets her iyswim. The neighbours kids are both around 5 years younger than her (which is typical for a DD friendship), and as they get older they could potentially age out of her. We do have the funds/ability to build a small office in the garden, so if we don't move then this will definitely be the way we go.

We've been in our current address for 13 years and both wfh full time. It just used to be me, but after Covid he had to as well (with lots of unhelpful grumbling). I think we're probably going to be wfh full time for the next ten years or so. The new house is literally around the corner, so she could potentially walk to their house (chaperoned on dark winter nights).

If your DD is 16 and the neighbours are 5 or so years younger, they have presumably either just started secondary school or will do next year. Given these circumstances, I think that that will be a time of transition for the friendship anyway. The neighbour’s DC will no doubt become more independent and have greater freedom so, if they have school friends in the neighbouring area, are likely to go back to theirs or walk to theirs of an evening or at a weekend. A lot of friendships evolve at the transition to secondary and I think that this will too. There won’t be any malice or lack of thought intended but the neighbour’s DC are likely to want to spend more time with friends who have been at school with them all day. It’s what happens, even amongst best friends who have been at primary and go
to different secondaries.
I would go so far as to gently encourage the move as I think your DD may feel less dejected by what will probably be a natural turn of events if it can be put down to the house move rather than them moving on.

OP - I was thinking you'd be better off staying where you are, until I read that the neighbours were 5 years younger.

Honestly, if they're 11-12, that's not going to last that much longer - they'll start secondary school, want to find friends their own age and as they become teenagers are going to become less and less likely to wait to remain being friends with your daughter - at least to the extent that they visit her every day after school.

I agree with the poster above who said that moving might be a kinder way of letting the friendships come to a definite end rather than her feeling rejected by them when they inevitably stop calling.

Also - please do be very careful about letting your 16 year old child have younger kids in her bedroom - always keep the door open.

I don’t want to scare you but Kids can change massively when they move to secondary school! I wouldn’t assume that this friendship will continue along indefinitely especially given the age gap.

In the case of my autistic DS, his best friend at primary school became his number one Bully at secondary.

It was horrendous as DS couldn’t understand why the relationship had changed and as we were friends with this kids parents, it took 2 years before DS eventually told me who had been bullying him so badly that he’d actually contemplated suicide. When I’d ask him, he refused to say. Thankfully, as soon as I learned the truth, it got sorted.

I was wavering until you explained the age gap. I would guess this will start to fade out soon anyway. They’ll be in a different life stage and likely not up for playing out and such anymore once they’re in high school. My daughter is autistic and also hugely prefers children a few years younger, but they do age out of it eventually. I’d also be quite cautious of encouraging too much interaction between a 17/18 year old and a 12/13 year old, it could get a bit awkward for the other parents unfortunately.

The neighbours kids are both around 5 years younger than her (which is typical for a DD friendship),

Unfortunately they are likely to move on at some point. Realistically. Look at buddy schemes? What will she do at 18?

Your husband grumbled he had to work from home, and has the loft but moans at you working in the kitchen? He sounds awful, perhaps he should swap, you have the loft and him the kitchen and then you can moan at him for getting on with his work.

Who are these guys?

I think a definite move to the new house might be better given the situation will change with the pre-teens as they become teens.