Would you buy a house right next to your parents?

[goldyi]

A house that ticks all our boxes and is reasonable priced has come up for sale, it’s almost perfect really. Only issue is that it’s in the same estate as my parents. They live right at the back and this house is close to the entrance. They would drive past daily to get to theirs. They’ve lived there for 20 years and while they mention they’d like to downsize in the future, that’s likely not to be anytime soon. Has anybody or does anybody live very close to their parents and share their experiences? We do have a good relationship, but that could likely change if we saw too much of each other and I don’t know if it will be a bit too close for comfort and can’t decide whether it’s a dealbreaker. Any insights welcome!

We lived next door to MiL, but she was a very private person who would almost never call round without an invitation, and on the rare occasion she did, it was just to ask a quick question and she wouldn't come in. It worked very well and the kids really enjoyed being able to pop next door and see her. It also meant calling in to help her out with something was very quick and easy. But I'd only recommend it if you and they would respect each others privacy.

I think there are a few considerations.

You've said you think they will find more excuses to be over. Does that bother you? Does it bother your partner?

Do you have a MIL that is going to get upset when you inevitably see your parents more? Do you have a sibling? When they get older do you want to be going over every week to put the bin out or expected to help the downsize? Or worse store their stuff in your house as they can just walk it over.

We bought the house opposite my parents, when the dc were very small (3 under 3!) However they weren't the visiting type, and never popped in. Mum had had a stroke, and wasn't in the best of health, so although I wasn't her carer (Hands full, working & 3 youngsters) I could pick up bits of shopping, and support.

It was great to he able to call in for a cup of tea, without it being a big production.

When she died, Dad bought a bungalow further down our road. Its perfect, The dc are tweens teens now, and quite close to him. He never comes to our house hes very independent, unless it's something like Christmas! My sister moved across the city to live nearer, as she hated that calling in for a quick chat meant an hour round trip. Also vists tend to be less formal and less of a chore, so stopping in on the way to pick up the kids, is just that, rather than being a whole afternoon.

In short it depends on your parents! When it works well, it's fabulous.

We had a bungalow built backing onto the large rear garden of my parents. We put a gate through to their garden. We all loved it, especially when DS came along. We never used them for child care but DS loved going up to see his grandad. We respected each others privacy and it made their lives easier if the needed something done.
I miss those days.

It’ll work if your family are the type who have good boundaries and expectations. If they are the type to drop in every day and that’s not what you’d like then it won’t work

I'm the parent in this equation but my daughter has mentioned how nice it would be to live next door or in a cottage or annexe. It would work for us.

same estate, yes. Right next door, no. As long as they are far enough away that it’s worth putting on a coat or grabbing an umbrella to walk over, it would be fine with me if my ILs moved closer to us. I’ve actually sent them several listings as they need a move elder friendly house.

I know they would abuse our close proximity a bit. However, right now we have a situation where DH has to hop in the car and drive over to help them out with no notice at least a few times a year. Those times are only going to increase. Having them closer would make it easier.

if it were my parent and he wanted to move to even the same city, I would be looking to sell.

when I was about 12, my grandparents moved into a house at the end of our lane. So walking distance, and we drove past theirs to get out, but not in each other's pockets.

It was fab on many, many levels.
But I must say my grandparents were very respectful of our space and not the interfering sort. I loved being able to pop in.
As they got older, it was amazing for all of us because we could drop in and give a hand very easily without it being a big deal.

My Mum always said it was the best of both worlds.
My Granny once also made a comment that she had never really understood how busy my mum was until she lived close by.

We live a five minute walk from my in-laws and it’s been fine to be honest we call in on them more than they do us, kids get to see grandparents regularly for short bursts. Works well.

I grew up living next door (literally the adjoining house) to my grandparents. I absolutely LOVED it and was so close to them. When I was little it was obviously very easy for babysitting for my parents. As I got older I just flitted between the houses depending on who was home and whether I was hungry 😂

Obviously depends on the relationship you have / want your children to have but if you're all close and get on well then I'd go for it. I think the positives will far outweigh the negatives.

No, not me, in a million years.

SIL did this with PIL. Great when the DC were little, free childcare on tap. However PIL became over involved in every aspect of their lives and expected ‘payback’ massively when they were old and frail. SIL ended up on antidepressants and says it’s her one big regret.
Your family may be different. SIL felt joined at the hip for the best part of 55 years.

So they wanted free childcare but didn't want to help the parents when they were old. Nice.

Maybe. Would be useful for childcare and when the parents need more help in old age / frailty. So long as it wasn’t actually next door.

Not a chance. Feel far too close now at a mile away. A few hundred would be better.

I lived 10min walk from my parents for several years. It was lovely. My parents respected my privacy, which I think is the most important thing. We had keys to each other’s homes, and I was welcome to drop in whenever. My parents, though, never came by without first checking that I was OK with it, and not all that often, either. And when I had my dc, it was even better to be so near.

I wouldn’t care about this at all. My mum might have though, lol. We got on fine and would have respected each others privacy. Obvs it depends on the relationship you have.

Absolutely not, I can't think of anything worse. 100 miles away is the minimum acceptable distance! As adults, we need to live independent lives, without family interference.
Obviously, OP, you can do whatever you want, but you did ask....

Until you have a 100 mile motorway dash because one of them has fallen over and smashed up their hip or something. I'm glad I only had a 15 minute drive.

An ambulance would have to take them in and I’d get there in a sensible time, not a “dash”.

SIL and BIL bought a house opposite PILs last year. Sure, they get all the childcare, their house maintenance done, the garden done, the laundry done, the kids’ meals cooked after school… but bugger me if they won’t be doing all the caring when the time comes!

I’d be happy but I like my family. I also have open doors at festivals such as Christmas and never felt the need to isolate us as “our little family”.

I find it interesting that on MN people seem to be constantly fearful of their boundaries. My parents had an active life of their own, as did my PiLs - they would no more be pestering us than we had time to pester them. Being closer would have made childcare and elder emergencies easier at differing times.

I saw a documentary once about a working class Italian couple who over 10-20 years put all their cash and resources into an apartment block (can’t recall if they built from scratch or converted). By their late 50s they had homes in the block for themselves, their children and children’s families and a couple of extended family as well as large communal gardens. I thought it sounded great - close by but your own front door (something the couple stressed as important). I suspect it would cause mass panic on MN.

No, 100% not. Depends on relationship. My mums mum lived next door to us and I was grateful for the refuge of her home when my parents were arguing, but I just wouldn’t want to do it. I have lived 250 miles away for 25yrs.

Both our daughters live within 5 minutes of us. They chose to move to our area. We all respect each others privacy though and it works fine.

Yes. Our first house was about 2 mins walk from mil and maybe 4 mins from my mums, it was brilliant. Our second house is about 10 mins walk from them both, never had any problems at all.