Can’t agree on buying house help

[Durumdurum]

We’ve seen a house we really like, but DH doesn’t like location, I do. It’s 5 min drive or 15 min cycle to his preferred location.
To be clear, he really likes the house.

Jm finding it really frustrating… I would be happy here, although I can see that and why he wants to live somewhere with more amenities , but to me, they’re only just down the road.

I want to spend my weekends enjoying the totally private garden, going for nice country walks. He wants to enjoy his free time being able to walk to the co-op, Drs and the library.

I don’t know what to do. I will be disappointed if we lose this house. And I don’t know (and the estate agents I’ve spoken to) don’t know if what we want is going to come up in budget in the preferred locations.

The place I like meets our needs for school, travel, proximity to our current friends and family. It’s just the other locations have slightly better transport (but we both wfh) and amenities.

Should I try and convince him? I don’t want to let my dreams go, but I also obviously don’t want to guilt trip him in to buying in an area he doesn’t like.

House buying is about compromise. Usually, the compromise is size, garden, features of the house and location.

Yours is location and people often say location is the thing that trumps other things.
We bought a house because we loved it, but not so keen on location. Ultimately, we couldn’t stay in that location and sold.

You're going to have to have some serious conversations, because one person being reluctant is not a good basis for a purchase.

I get what you’re saying, but the thing is that I like the location, I would be happy- it’s not like we’re both unhappy. Similarly I’m not sure that I love his location picks- particularly not the house we can get in those locations. They’re very popular and therefore more expensive and we get less for our money.
And that’s if something comes up, which it might not as there’s not always loads that does come up

I think for me it would also depend where you are now/What's the reason for moving?

If you're ok where you are if maybe wait it out for something in the 'right' location

If the reason for moving is you're desperate for space/garden etc then I'd probably compromise on location if the house was perfect otherwise.

You don’t like his location, he doesn’t like yours. You need to find one you both like. It doesn’t work if you don’t agree. Is there a location you both like?

We’re out of space. Have about six months until we’re finished with the cot and the kids need a proper bed and bedroom, all sharing at the moment. We’re both agreed that we need to do something

There’s only one we agree on!!! But I don’t know that the house we want, with space to both wfh is going to come up. And I don’t want to compromise on private garden, or bedrooms etc, for the sake of a fifteen min cycle / five min drive

Please don’t underestimate how much impact a disappointing location can have. I speak from experience.

I think that’s fair.
I think partly I’m venting because it’s frustrating that he doesn’t agree with me!
I absolutely know the answer is to find something we both want, but I’m so cross it’s not this one!
I don’t want him to be unhappy, I really don’t

15 minute cycle is quite a long time for someone who wants to be able to walk to co-op, library etc. For someone who wants that level of convenience, having a 5 minute drive or longer cycle is going to get irritating quickly

Sounds like you will have to compromise on something if your preferred house and location is out of budget, but if compromising on location is a massive no for dh and private garden is a hard no compromise for you, you will have to find something you are both happy to compromise on.

Maybe each write a list of numbered priorities each and try and find something you agree isnt as important as other things to compromise on

And don't look at houses that have a "hard no" comprise for one of you, its too disappointing

I feel your pain. When we were looking I loved a particular house but dh hated the location and that it was a "cottage" We didn't go for it and found a house we both love (and live in now) but it was a stressful few months of looking.

I’m team DH on this one. The convenience of shops and amenities on the doorstep and within walking distance is really appealing.

But I totally understand your disappointment that he doesn’t like the location of your favourite house. It’s gutting when you don’t agree.

I think you already know that it’s not right to make him feel bad and to try and convince him to buy something he is not totally on board with.

For every house purchase there is an element of compromise needed but it seems he is not wanting to compromise on location and that is fine.

Your only option really I think is to wait it out and hope something comes on that you both agree on. Hopefully the market will pick up a little after Christmas and you may find the ideal house at that point.

I feel for you but if he makes the compromise now then he may well hold that against you in the future.

Good luck!

I'm with your DH too. I am city centre based and love having everything on my doorstep and not being dependent on a car. It allows the dcs so much independence when they're older. But it's something that DH and I agreed on, so I never had to convince him. I think you do have to consider the pros and cons not just for yourself and DH but also your dcs, now and when they are older (are they going to want to spend their weekends in the garden and going on country walks?)

Ah you’re all right and I know it. I wish you weren’t all agreeing with my DH! 😆
I know it’s not fair to make him unhappy and interesting that you do think a 15 minutes cycle is a reasonable complaint.

I also know that he loves me and he’d do it to make me happy but that there will be consequences of that if we go down that route.

Wish we were more on the same page!

His reasons seem very valid especially as you have children - amenities that are walkable is invaluable for promoting independence in a preteen/early teen.

Your choice of house seems to suggest car dependence which isn't a lifestyle choice everyone is keen on - I think you need to let this house go.

He wants to enjoy his free time being able to walk to the co-op, Drs and the library.
He needs to get a life!
But, seriously, how often is he doing these things, compared to living in and working within the house? Is the visit to the Co-op a daily thing because it can be. Is it laziness (i.e. an unwillingness to be organised) that is behind his thinking?

I do agree to an extent, but these things are an easy cycle away or an easy bus ride away. They can get to primary and secondary under their own steam, we wouldn’t drive. So I do agree to a point, but it’s not like these things are impossible.

This is my point as well. These are not every day things in the next village. And also, it’s very easy (15 min cycle) to get to them.
But I like the countryside, so I’m prepared to take that. I get it’s not for everyone.

I get this, and I know the countryside isn’t for everyone, but he knew this about me from the start. We agreed we would move to a village where they can walk to school, which they can.

And I totally get that cities have opportunities, but so does the countryside. This place isn’t remote at all, just doesn’t have a library and a coop!

What's his obsession with the Co-op. It's not as if it's a cheap place to shop!

I live in a village with a Co-op and a corner shop, and I have to say I'd be reluctant to move to a neighbouring village which doesn't have either of those things. I'd do it if it was a safe cycle route though, one where I could put the kids in a bike trailer without going on a main road. Otherwise it's annoying not to be able to pop to the shops with the kids without having to get in the car every time, and detracts a bit from the countryside lifestyle. There is a village two miles away that has a safe cycle and walking route (children use it to get to the secondary school) and I'd consider moving there.

There’s a slightly crap shop in the village, a cafe, pub/restaurant, village hall, primary school. The next village is a cycle path separated from the road. That has the Drs, co-op, secondary etc.
So I don’t think I’m being totally unreasonable. I also think that either way we’d end up in the car a bit, because anything the next village doesn’t have (I guess some groups and activities as the kids get older), we’d be driving for anyway

Haha I know! He doesn’t even do the shop or the cooking because he works long hours!

Haha, sounds like you live in my village! In which case, I'd do it for the right house, but it wouldn't be my first choice.

He doesn’t even do the shop
Oooh, my blood is boiling on your behalf!

However, I do wonder about choosing the other village because it has the Secondary school. That's more important than the Primary, imo.
But what's your definition of "village". In my definition village means countryside (so both locations have countryside). Are your "villages" more like mini-towns?

Oh that’s really interesting- why do you say that?
The house is lovely.

The thing is - firstly there is nothing we’ve actually seen in the other village in at least two years of on off looking.

secondly, as that village expands, we could still be a fair distance from the secondary school, whereas the smaller village is on the right side of it if you get what I mean - the school is on the outskirts of the large village. There’s a main road (with cycle path) and the new house would be just at the end of that. They’d either cycle or get the bus there.
Altho our kids are 3 and 5, so we’re a bit of a way off that at the moment!